Elephant in the Sky (25 page)

I took in all that he was telling me, believing for the first time that things would be all right. No matter what.

Having the father that I'd missed for a lifetime comfort me in the way that all parents should made me weep. I couldn't hold back any longer. I fell into his arms, crying openly, and let my dad wipe away my tears as if I were seven years old again.

61

Nate

“Grace? Grace! Wait for me, would you? Stop!” My heart is racing, and I struggle to keep up with my sister. She is practically running across the swinging planks that are hanging so high up in the air they are part of the tops of the palm trees that surround us.

I feel like we are towering above the whole world. Because we actually are. We are so high up in the air that we are actually in the fronds. That is a very big word for palm tree leaves. I know that because learned it in my science class at my new school.

“Please, Grace! Wait up!” I'm breathing hard. I'm very scared. But I know I need to keep going. I have to finish walking over the swinging planks so that I can get to what's next: the big long rope that I have to walk across. All by myself. Way up in the air. But I will. Because I know I have to do it. I know I have to just keep going.

Grace laughs as I call after her again. She shrugs her shoulders, like she is trying to tell me that she doesn't care. She won't wait for me. She starts skipping across the wobbly planks that are so high up in the air.

I stop for a minute. I try to wipe my hands on my shirt. It is really hard for me to do. I can't do it very well because the plank I am standing on is so wobbly that it is knocking me off balance when I let go with two hands. So I try and only let go with one hand at a time. I wipe my right hand first. Then my left.

In front of me, Grace throws her head back, still laughing, and lets her hair float all around her. The sky that surrounds her is bright blue. She is getting farther and farther ahead of me.

I am too scared to run after her. Too scared to catch up.

We are at Treetop Trek in Melbourne Beach, and my grandpa has brought my whole family here for the day so we can try out the obstacle course challenge. Behind me, I can hear my mother's calm voice, encouraging me to move forward.

“Go on, Nate. You can do it … I'm right behind you. You won't fall.” Something in my mom's voice reminds me of when I was little. It is quiet, only a bit louder than a whisper, and makes me feel instantly better.

It is the second day of our March Break vacation. When we woke up that morning, Grandpa said he wanted to kick it off with a special surprise for our whole family. So we piled into his car, and he drove us to what he said was the best thing in Melbourne Beach.

“Grandpa!? Are you serious?” Grace yelled when Grandpa pulled up to the front of the park. “Julian, a boy in my class who I absolutely adore, was just telling me about zip lining. I've been absolutely dying to try it! How did you know?”

Grandpa laughed quietly from the front seat. “I didn't actually.”

“Uh, Dad?” my mom said to Grandpa. “Have you forgotten that both Nate and I don't like heights?”

Grandpa turned his head around to look at my mom. He smiled and winked. “No, Ash, I haven't forgotten that part at all. In fact, it's exactly why I brought you here.”

Sitting in the car, the whole thing seemed a bit mean to me. And I felt bad for my mom when we were all on the ground, looking up at the longest zip line. She was breathing quickly, and kept squeezing her lips together. I could tell she was very, very scared.

“It's okay, Mom,” I whispered to her. My heart was pounding — big time — just thinking about going up in the air. But I didn't want to hurt my grandpa's feelings. He seemed so excited to bring us there. “I'm scared, too, Mom. Maybe we should do it together. I think it would make Grandpa happy.”

“I don't know, Bean. I'm not sure I can go that high up …” my mom said. I watched her take a big breath of air as she put up her hand to block the sun from her eyes and looked up to the obstacle course that was so far up in the sky.

“I think you can do it. We both can.” I was surprised to hear myself trying to convince her to do something that I didn't want to do myself.

Mom shook her head. She pursed her lips and took a deep breath through her nose. “Honestly, Dad? This wasn't really what I had in mind when we brought the family to Florida. Couldn't we have just gone to the beach or something?”

“Tomorrow, Ash. And the day after that. Today it's all about overcoming fear.” I watched Grandpa and Mom exchange a look. I could tell they were both thinking of something that they weren't going to share with the rest of us.

“Okay … I guess I'll do it. If Nate will too. What do you say, Bean? Are you still ready to go up there with your mom?”

I nodded. I was suddenly not as brave as I was when I was trying to convince her to go. But I didn't want to disappoint my grandpa.

“You coming too, Dad?” my mom asked, laughing. I could tell she didn't think he would.

“In fact, I am. It will be my fourth time. The strength trainer I've been working with is the one who recommended it. Said I've become strong enough to do the whole thing. And, what d'you know? He was right.” Grandpa grinned. He looked very proud of himself.

Once we all agreed to start, the people who worked there helped us into our harnesses. Then we started the climb up the ladder to the beginning of the course. My dad and Grace went first, followed by my grandpa. Then me. Then Mom.

Now I am walking across the bridge, which only has hanging planks. It is kind of like a ladder but it is a bridge. A very wobbly bridge.

“You can do it, Nate. Keep going. I'm right behind you.” There it is again. Mom's soft voice that is gentle but also strong. It makes me feel better. So I keep going.

My legs are shaking underneath me, making the planks shake from side to side. I take a big breath. Try to make myself balanced. Then I start walking again.

With each step I take, I become less and less scared.

By the time we all reach the first zip line, we are laughing and having so much fun. I am loving every minute of it. And so is my mom.

At the zip line, a man helps attach a thing they call a caribiner to the wheel that is on the cable. I stand on the platform and look out in front of me. All I can see is a big open field in the far distance, with lots of palm trees surrounding the rope. If I follow the rope with my eyes, I can see another platform that looks like it is very far away. My dad and Grace have already taken their turns. My sister screamed the whole way across.

“Your turn, Dad,” my mom says, laughing, and Grandpa makes us both promise that if he goes first, we'll follow him. He whoops and laughs as he flies through the air. I stand next to Mom and we're both laughing as Grandpa is waving one of his arms and looking goofy. I laugh and say to Mom that he looks like a wild bird.

“A seagull?” she laughs.

“More like a pelican,” I say, and soon we're both giggling hysterically. I can hear in our laughs that we are both still nervous. I feel very jumpy.

I go next. I want to show her that I can do it. I want to show my mom so that she won't be scared.

I start to feel even more nervous. Mom is standing beside me. “You can do this, Bean. I know you can.” Her voice sounds reassuring, but also nervous.

“You can too, Mom. You promise you'll do it too?” She nods. They move me up to the platform and I can feel the belly bubbles start. But they're different than the belly bubbles I used to feel. “I'm not scared, Mom. I'm not scared anymore.”

And suddenly, I'm flying.

62

Ashley

I watched my son soar through the air. As soon as he pushed off, his face looked terrified, like he'd realized he'd made a huge mistake. My heart leapt, and I just wanted to grab him and hold him back, but it was too late for both of us. And before I knew it, he was shrieking with joy the entire way across.

I stepped up to the platform. I'd never done anything like this. Everything in my body was screaming for me not to do this. But if Nate could find the strength, then I could too. I looked down and my stomach clenched. It was so far down. This was crazy. What if something happened? What if the rope broke? What if the handbrake faltered and I crashed into everyone on the other side?

I looked across and saw Nate and my dad on the other platform, motioning for me to follow them. Grace hopped up and down, and Pete waved happily.

The angry elephants were gone. In their place was my family of goofy pelicans. And I wanted nothing more than to join them on the other side. I could do this.

I took a deep breath, and jumped.

Acknowledgements

Sadly, I know too many people who have struggled, or are struggling, with mental illness. Many of them are acquaintances. Some are within my family. And one person, in particular, is an extremely close friend.

And I've watched, often helpless, as he's had to brave a scary world that has been filled with demons of his own making — and then, later, a scary world filled with judgement and stigma. Yet, despite all of these obstacles, he has risen above. And today, he is healthy. Thriving. Happily married, in a job that he loves, and surrounded by family and friends who adore him. Many people don't have a clue what he has been through. I'm quite certain new friends would be in complete disbelief if they knew what actually happened so many years ago.

Elephant in the Sky
is inspired by him. And a lot of what happens in this book took place in his real life. He told me that I could write his name in these acknowledgements. And, while I am so very proud of his courage, I realized that I simply couldn't do that to him when it came time to put pen to paper. Because I know that, despite his strength, there is too great a chance that others would come to false conclusions. Despite the fact that he
is
now living a healthy and happy life, some people would likely judge. As a nation, we are getting better. But the stigma still exists.

So my inspiration for this book shall remain nameless. But he knows who he is. I just hope he also knows that his unfaltering determination and relentless tenacity makes many of us extremely proud. He is an absolute pillar of strength and I am in awe of all that he has conquered and accomplished throughout the years.

Although it sounds clichéd, it is true that this book wouldn't have been finished without the help of many people. And I am grateful, first and foremost, to Brian — my husband and all-around rock. He not only constantly reassured me that I could write this book and encouraged me to keep going, but the father of our three wonderful children took on extra bath, bedtime, and clean-up duties to give me the extra time I needed to write. Brian, our life is filled with a whole lot of chaos, a ton of hard work, and even more happiness and joy, and I can't begin to imagine sharing it with anyone other than you.

To the first readers for their encouragement and insight: Ann Clark, Kathy Vucic, Ines Colucci, Wendy Gardham, Anthony Iantorno, Steven Clark, Jessica Belaire, Ian Clark, Donna Rawbone, John Rawbone, Brooke Allen, and Penny Hicks. Thank you for reading such an early draft of the manuscript, for your thoughts and perspective, and for loving the story enough to help me make it better.

I'm lucky to be surrounded by teachers and thankful that I'm able to turn to them when I have questions. Thank you, Steve Clark, Jessica Belaire, Katie Freure, and Tom Freure for always being so willing to answer questions about teaching elementary school and kids in a classroom.

To Dr. Jane Aldridge, who always lets me ask her endless questions about the medical field. Thank you for emailing back and forth with me about hospital visits, walking me through various medical procedures, and pointing me in the direction of thorough research when I needed detailed information.

And to Dr. Tonia Seli, who went above and beyond to help me better understand both psychiatry and mental illness. Dr. Seli, you really helped me a lot by taking so much time to explain the things that I needed to know. I had fun during our Starbucks chats, and I really appreciated that you would read through the manuscript with me to help ensure I got everything right. Thank you very much!

I'd also like to thank the parents, whether close friends or Facebook and Twitter acquaintances, who helped me see the world through the eyes of a nine-year-old. Thank you, Kathy Vucic and TJ Parass for sharing Oliver's writing samples, and Tom and Katie Freure for all of your kid-writing tips. And also to Andrew Selluski, Chantal Barlow, Marina Campbell-Matthews, Diana Flumian, Theresa Harding Gilligan, and Joanne Tenyenhuis.

To Dan Erenburg, one of my favourite New Yorkers, for giving me the answers to all of my Manhattan questions.

Thank you to the amazingly talented Negin Sairafi for the picture on the back of this book. I always have so much fun at our photo shoots, and she is a genius behind the camera.

And a big thanks to Constable Matt Baker, a dear friend and fantastic police officer, who let me ask him endless questions about his work. Whether it was a silly question sent over text message about whether or not a cop would take their shoes off when walking into a person's home, or a bigger discussion around protocol when dealing with missing children, Matt was always willing to help.

Helen Keller once said, “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.” These words took on new meaning to me when I published my first book, and realized how many people (and how much work!) goes into each one. I'd like to thank all of the many people at ECW Press who have touched
Elephant in the Sky
along the way.

First, to my amazingly talented editor, Jen Hale, who has the ability to seamlessly move from lighthearted chatter about what a nine-year-old might call his parents to intense conversations about the impact of mental illness on a family. I know how lucky I am to be able to work with someone who edits the words on the page while also brilliantly reading between the lines of the story. Jen, you not only turn me into a better writer, but you are also a treasured friend.

To Erin Creasey, whose early and avid endorsement helped open so many doors. Thank you for being in my corner and for helping me in so many ways since the very beginning.

To Crissy Calhoun for all of her hard work and guidance. (And for always letting me have “a few extra days” whenever I needed it. You have no idea how much it helped!)

Thank you to my publicist, Sarah Dunn, for helping me get the message out about
Elephant in the Sky
and for always being there to help in whatever way is needed.

To David Gee, who kept designing until we got to the cover on the front of this book. I think it's amazing. You are so talented!

Thank you to Laura Pastore for proofreading the manuscript, Rachel Ironstone for the typesetting and production, and all of the amazing sales reps at Manda and Legato for keeping
Elephant in the Sky
on the right peoples' radars.

And to Jack David and David Caron, the publishers of ECW Press, for having the faith in me to write a second book. Jack and David, you have built an amazing company and I've loved working with everyone throughout the entire process.

And thank you always and forever to my family, both immediate and extended …

To our amazing nanny, Chelsea Bradshaw, who uses her imagination to create magical worlds of discovery for my favourite three wee ones, while also taking amazing care of them in every possible way. I love how you love our kids and am so appreciative of all that you do for our whole family.

To Viola Burr, and in loving memory of Great Nana, who read
Chai Tea Sunday
out loud multiple times. Your support means the world to me.

To my big and happy family that I am so blessed to have married into: John and Donna Rawbone, Carolyn and Ivano Tonin, David and Karen Rawbone, Leanne and Mike Rafter … and for the ten grandchildren (ages five and under!) who fill our family functions with so much happy chaos. I have the sweetest nieces and nephews in the world — and I love them so much I couldn't help but borrow their names for some of the characters in this book.

To my brothers, Ian Clark and Steven Clark, who continue to fill my world with endless laughter and unhinged adventures. You guys are the best brothers a girl could ask for.

To Jessica Belaire, who not only rocks as a sister-in-law, but also helped me so much throughout the writing of this book, including helping me think of the perfect title.

And to Dale Mosser for always opening the doors to his cottage so I could write in the most beautiful place in the world. Dale, your kindness is never-ending.

To the two people who first taught me about unconditional love. Thank you to my mom, Ann Clark, for believing that I could do this before anyone else did. And to my dad, Bill Clark, for teaching me that dreams come true through determination and hard work. We don't get to pick our parents, but if we did, I'd still pick mine. I love you lots.

And finally, thank you to the great loves of my life: my husband (who is so wonderful he deserves two mentions) and my children, Avary, Jacob, and Emerson.