Ella's Wish (34 page)

She watched the buggy disappear around the corner. The sight of him was blocked out quickly by the woods, and the sound of his horse’s hooves faded into the distance. Turning toward the house, she walked slowly, thinking about so many things.

“That was such a dear sight,” Ronda said, standing by the front door, “you holdin’ on to his horse. I could just see you in the buggy with him. You look so like you belong there.”

“You weren’t supposed to be watching,” Ella said, making as if she would walk on past.

“I really wasn’t,” Ronda said. “I just came to the door at the last minute. I thought I heard somethin’. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I felt nervous,” Ella said. “I think that’s why I hold his horse for him. It’s something to do while waiting.”

“Ach, that’s a good sign,” Ronda said, laughing. “A real
gut
sign.”

“It’s doesn’t feel like Aden…that I do know.”

“They say it’s never the same the second time around. I know no one would ever be the same as Joe.”

“I hope you never have to find out.”

Ella watched Ronda nod slowly, sure she saw tears in her friend’s eyes.

Forty-one

E
lla heard the bishop arriving long before he even reached the driveway. The evening was still, the air heavy, and his horse’s hooves beat hard on the road. A sharp rattle of stones sounded when he turned in at the road. Ella spread the last of the white frosting on the cake she had just baked and scraped the knife clean on the bowl’s edge.

She was unexpectedly calm.
Perhaps this is another of Ronda’s
gut
signs. But what if he has been to see my parents and demanded that Eli no longer be allowed to stay at home? This is what he had wanted to do, and if he had followed through in spite of my objections, it will make the evening much more difficult
.

Yet, perhaps, it would be simpler.
Dealing with the bishop is like walking on the edge of a wooden fence rail. The thin board presses hard on the soles of my feet, and the pull of gravity is strong on either side
.

A visit to my parents against my expressed wishes would show the bishop’s depth of character. Though I don’t want him to have made that visit, I have to admit such a visit would show that he is willing to risk our relationship to do what he feels is right. I would have to find some respect in my heart for that aspect of it
.

She got two plates and a knife out of the cupboard, set them on the table, and went to the door. The bishop’s shiny black shoes were already halfway down the basement steps. He was wearing his best Sunday suit coat. He had dressed up for her.

Ella opened the door for him.

“Good evening,” he said. “Am I too early?”

She shook her head. “I just finished my cake. I would say you timed it pretty well.”

“Ach,
vell
, such things happen. I’m glad to hear it.”

She motioned with her hand toward the couch.

He took his seat and said, “So the girls leave on Friday, and you’ve been by yourself all day. Is it a relief to get away from them after the stress, you know, of three little girls who aren’t your own?”

“I suppose even mothers have such times with their own children,” she said, sitting beside him on the couch.

“Then I imagine you must be ready to get away from them even more than real mothers. I must say, you don’t look tired. And I like that about you. You do all that work during the week—taking care of two little girls and a baby and running the quilt shop—yet you look as fresh as a bright new day. You are a
very gut
and wonderful woman, Ella.”

Ella wondered why red didn’t creep up her neck.
It certainly would have if Stutzman said such things, but then, of course, he wouldn’t
. With a start, Ella shifted on the couch away from the bishop. For the first time, she was comparing him with Preacher Stutzman and leaving Aden out of the comparison.
Have I really moved so far away from my memories? Apparently so
.

“Did I say something?” the bishop asked. “This is true, you know, that you are an exceptional woman among women, as the Good Book says. Like I have said before, I never expected the day to come when I would say such a thing. You must not let the praise alarm you. Surely Aden told you the same?”

“He did,” she said, moving even further away from him, “though not in those exact words. It was different somehow.”

“Yah, I understand,” he said, nodding. “Yet you must not let this difference stand in the way of our relationship.
Da Hah
can bring about love again—in a different way perhaps—but something just as precious. He would not have taken Aden if He did not know that life could still be just as good for you, Ella, as it was before. You must believe that—believe that a woman should take a husband. That it is
Da Hah’s villa
.”

“Did you speak with my parents about Eli staying at home?” she said, letting the words out quickly.

He studied her for a moment. His face darkened, and then a smile reappeared. “So you did expect me to rush over to your parents and, thus, give you reason to hold something against me. You should know me better than that, Ella. I wouldn’t do something so out of order. Not after you said what you did.”

“But you still feel as if Eli should not stay at home?”

“That is another matter entirely, Ella. You told me not to go, and I have not gone. Is that not good enough? I listened and heard what you said. I simply felt that at this time it would be best if the matter was left alone.”

“And would you listen to me about this matter…if we were married?”

His hand jerked on the couch and joined the other. As he rubbed them together, he said, “Yah.” He paused and then continued, “Perhaps I should explain. My work for the church often calls for hard choices. Sometimes things might even go against one’s own family. It’s not easy, and the calling is sacred. I am sure you understand that. But for now, I can do what you say—if it makes things easier for you. Then perhaps later…it will not be as hard.”

“Then this is just for a time. Until later—when someone like Eli would be dealt with in another manner than he now is?”

“Perhaps,” he said as he laced his fingers tightly together, “but you must not hold that against me. I do not want to offend you now. Have you changed your mind about Eli? I would respect you for that change…greatly in fact. This is a weakness in you, Ella. I know Eli is your family, but one must put that aside to do the work of God. Our forefathers left their property and their loved ones—even their own lives—all for the faith. We cannot do less than they did, Ella. We really can’t.”

“If you believe that, then it would have been best if you had gone to my parents and spoken with them.”

“So you
have
changed your mind, then,” he said, letting a smile warm his face. He wet his lips. “I cannot say how glad I am of this. I had some doubts about you, Ella, but I see again you are able to receive correction. As you know, this virtue is greatly valued among our people. It’s also a virtue of great value in a wife.”

“But I didn’t mean that I have changed my mind,” Ella said, clearing her throat. “In fact, I have not changed my mind about Eli, even if it comes to him leaving the home place, which it well might. I just think it might have been best if you had gone anyway…even though I told you not to. This way I could have decided better about what I think of you. Now it has been decided for me.”

“I don’t understand,” the bishop said, leaning forward. “What has been decided for you? I do not see. You expressed your concern, and I tried not to offend you. Yah, perhaps later you will understand these matters, but you do not now.”

“Our relationship. I cannot continue. I fear it.”

“You fear, but there is nothing to fear, Ella. I have told you the truth, have I not? Many would not have. Perhaps they would have held back part of the truth from you. I hope our people would not do such things, but one never knows in this day of sin and darkness. I love you, Ella, as I have never loved any other girl. Yah, never have I loved so much. There is nothing to fear from me.
Da Hah
will be with us. He has promised.”

“I’ve had a dream about us,” Ella said, meeting his eyes. “In this dream I see a wedding. The buggies are parked outside, the people are gathered in the house, and then when I come inside, it is you and me. We are seated in front, ready to be married. Then a great fear comes upon me, and I don’t know why.”

“Ah, so it is a dream that holds you back,” the bishop said, looking relieved. “I had thought it was some other thing. Perhaps Stutzman or his girls have gotten to you. I had hoped you wouldn’t fall for the charms of his children. You must not make that mistake. This dream, though, I would think it is a good sign—a
gut
indication that
Da Hah
has willed it so and has shown you ahead of time. You must take comfort in this—not fear.”

Ella stood.
This is so hard
. “I find in my heart that I can’t continue seeing you. I’m sorry if I have disappointed you,” she said.

“Ella,” he said, rising to his feet. His hands reached out, grasping both of hers in his. “Ella, don’t make this mistake. There is no one else I want to marry. I need a wife…and not just any wife. Look at what life could hold for you…for us. I will treat you right, Ella. You don’t have to be afraid.”

“I have my mind made up,” she said firmly.

“You are serious?” he said, dropping her hands. “And there’s nothing I can say?”

“There is nothing.”

“Stutzman has spoken to you. He has asked your hand in marriage.”

“Yes, he has.”

“And you have given him your answer?”

“No.”

“Then you looked for a fault in me and searched this out on purpose to see whether I would fall and stumble in your eyes.”

“Perhaps I did. I don’t really know.”

“This is not the proper manner in which one finds a husband, Ella. Stutzman should be held accountable for this.”

“Even our people do not hold it against a man who follows his heart in love, do they?”

The bishop relented. “They do not. Do you love him, then?”

“Is this not a matter between him and me?”

“It is, yes, but your face betrays you, Ella. I know you do not love him. And I know I love you. Are you sure you will not reconsider?”

“I’m sure,” Ella said, holding his gaze.

“Then
Da Hah
’s
villa
be done. It is not in me to stand in the way of what is to be. Just be sure of this, Ella. Look carefully about yourself and not just at your fears. Perhaps you will yet see the right way before it’s too late. Once you have made the promises, it will be too late to change your mind. Remember that, Ella.”

“I will,” she said as the bishop walked to the door, opened it himself, and stepped out into the night. His buggy wheels rattled on the gravel a few minutes later. She stared blankly at the untouched cake on the table.
Did I just make an awful mistake? Did I drive a wonderful man of my people away? Now surely Eli will receive no more help from the church. He is as good as lost
.

Ella sat down. Slowly she took the fork, cut a piece of cake, and brought it to her mouth. It softly melted on her tongue as her thoughts settled on the truth.

I’ll live alone in this house if it comes to that. If Preacher Stutzman and I can’t make a go of it, I’ll be just fine. It can be explained to the girls that things couldn’t be worked out. They might understand, and they might not. But whatever happens now, I’ve brought it on myself
.

She set the fork down on the tabletop, making the metal rattle lightly on the wood, and then lowered her head onto her arms.

Forty-two

E
lla sat in church and listened to the main sermon. As decided in the earlier ministers’ conference upstairs, it was Preacher Stutzman’s turn to preach. He now stood between the living room and kitchen with his hands clasped on his chest. From where Ella sat, surrounded by the other single girls, she could see only the side of his face. It was better that way; a small gift from
Da Hah
. Had she sat facing him, perhaps their eyes would have met. He then could have seen her answer in her eyes and wouldn’t have been able to continue preaching.

He was now in the middle of a story about Queen Esther. “And after the terrible day arrived when the wicked Haman got it into his head that all the Jews of the kingdom must be destroyed…”

Wherever he intends to go with the message, it isn’t unusual as Amish sermons go. What’s unusual is his tone. Already he has passed several points in the story that provided excellent opportunities for his usual diatribes. Yet he missed them. Has anyone else noticed? Did I really see the bishop glancing strangely at Stutzman? Twice already?

The bishop looked comfortable and well settled on the bench. His back was bent, his shoulders drooped, and his long beard was bent at a forty-five degree angle to his chest. Stutzman was now at the place in the story where Mordecai had to make a choice. Would he bow at the gate to the evil Haman or not? Preacher Stutzman paused and took a deep breath. His eyes were focused on the hardwood floor.

“So
Da Hah
has called each of us to make a choice. Will we serve Him or will we serve the world? Will we bow to the god of this world, or will we bow to the will of
Da Hah
in heaven? Will we submit to the will of His church on this earth? Many are the temptations we face. They come and go, and each of us makes daily decisions as to how to respond. Let us all be like Mordecai, who feared not the wrath of evil, but obeyed the Lord.” Stutzman took a deep breath, and his voice rose higher. “Each of us can count on being caught for our sins. Men and women think they can hide…that they are smart enough to escape punishment. Yet we see from this example that things do not turn out so.
Da Hah
sees to it that sin has its reward—a reward of death and not of life.”