Ella's Wish (9 page)

“You cannot send him away,” Mamm said in a weak voice.

“We must do what is right,” Daett said to Mamm. He drew out each word slowly. “Yet this is not the time. I will speak more with my son…perhaps later. We can surely reason with him.” Turning to Eli, he continued, “No, Eli, you can stay. You have not yet sinned so greatly that it calls for leavin’.”

Eli’s head came up, and relief flooded his face. Brave as he had been, his heart had not wished to leave. Ella reached out to him, squeezed his hand, and saw a tear spring to his eye. He loved them all, she knew. Surely, by the grace of God something could be worked out.

“It is well, then…for now. We will speak more of this later,” Daett said as he began rocking slowly. “But I would speak with Ella and you too, Mamm, after the others have gone.”

Dora went to stand with Eli. Glancing at each other, they walked to the stairs and climbed them one by one without comment.

Ella gripped the side of the couch till her fingers hurt.
Is Daett now going to deal with me for my silence on the matter?

Eleven

T
he sound of Eli and Dora’s footsteps on the hardwood stairs faded into silence. Ella could feel the tightness in her chest while an intense fear gripped her entire body.

“I know I have sinned with my silence,” she whispered, “yet I meant this for good.”

Daett cleared his throat. The sound blended in one seamless note with the gas lantern on the ceiling. She turned to face him and take his judgment with courage and his rebuke with an open heart.

Instead a smile played on his face and a gentle look softened his eyes. She drew her breath in astonishment. The sudden burst of air burned her throat.

“I wished to speak in private,” he said gently, “because this also is a matter of the heart—not of judgment. I wish to speak to you about the bishop. Has he come to visit yet?”

Ella’s mind whirled in an effort to bring her thoughts around. The memory of the bishop’s visit here many months ago flashed before her eyes. She remembered his knees on the chair close to hers as he focused his full attention on her face.

“He hasn’t come,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper.

“Then
Da Hah
has been kind to us. But is it not about time that he comes?” Daett said. “I cannot keep track, but it seems like it’s time. My mind is not like it once was.”

“He should come soon,” Ella said.
What is the connection between this and Eli?

“Has he perhaps changed his mind?” Daett asked, leaning forward in his rocker.

“Of course he hasn’t,” Mamm interjected, “but I’m not seein’ what you mean. Is this your daughter’s mind you’re askin’ about?”

“Well?” Noah smiled.

“Then you’d best leave it alone,” Mamm said. “We both hope she makes it up in the bishop’s favor, but you’d best not be pushin’.”

“I’m not,” Daett said, “but my heart was just hopin’ she could help out with Eli’s problem. Perhaps she could ask the bishop to speak with him. I think Eli would listen then.”

“I had not thought of that,” Mamm said.

Noah nodded. “Perhaps if Ella speaks to him—the bishop is a wise man beyond his years—and if he would speak to Eli, maybe his words may well turn Eli to his senses.”

“Have you made your mind up yet?” Mamm asked.

Ella opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She saw clearly what her father saw. Her relationship to the bishop could well be the answer to Eli’s problem. Eli might listen and mend his ways if he were instructed by a person of such spiritual authority.

“Then
Da Hah
be praised,” Daett said. “Who can account for the wisdom of the Most High? I will have a daughter married to a great man and save my son from the folly of his ways. Can a man be more blessed than that?”

“There’s always trouble down the road,” Mamm said, but a smile played on her face.

Ella tried to collect herself and tell them she could not give the bishop a good answer, but the face of Eli rose before her, and her voice remained silent.

Daett searched the floor for his paper, reached out, and gathered it up. “Then
Da Hah
has sent comfort along with our trouble.”

The full impact of her father’s words gripped Ella.
How can I disappoint them?
What had seemed almost finished now looked like it would never end.

“You can have your old room tonight,” Mamm said, smiling and wiping her eyes of tears. “Dora hasn’t moved in yet. I asked her to wait awhile.”

“I think I’ll go to bed, then,” Ella said, getting up. She felt dizzy, her body was weary to the bone, and her heart beat wildly in panic.
How am I to get out of this dilemma? Surely a continued relationship with the bishop—and perhaps marriage—is too great a sacrifice to ask for, even to get help for Eli
.

She found the door to the stairs. Although the floor appeared fuzzy in front of her, she successfully climbed the steps and made it to her room. Her hand turned the bedroom doorknob and pushed open the door. By the dim light from the window, she paused and then walked slowly forward. She found the matches in the same old place and lit the kerosene lamp.

Everything was as she had left it. Even the quilt on the bed hadn’t been changed. Ella walked to the window and pulled the blinds back. There was no moon in the sky, which made the stars bright overhead. She let the tears come as the blinds slipped from her fingers and back into place. Her heart was so weary.

Beside the dresser, she blew out the light but lay under the covers wide awake. She wished she had her journal with her. At least then she could write for a while and get her muddled thoughts onto paper.

The evening’s decision couldn’t or, rather, wouldn’t be turned back. The strength wasn’t in her to do so. Nor could she pretend affection when the bishop returned for his answer.
How am I to fool him even for a time?

She tossed and turned and tried to imagine what would happen. The bishop’s handsome face rose before her, and she heard his earnest words at his first visit. His interest in her was all too obvious. In a way Dora had been right. He was not unattractive, but her heart twisted at the thought.

Aden was my love—the sole focus of my attention—for so many years. His place can never be filled, not even if I want it to be, which I don’t, regardless of how well-thought-of and self-confident the bishop is
.

There must be a way out somehow
. Da Hah
hasn’t forsaken me yet, and surely He isn’t going to now
. Wearily, she climbed out of bed, walked to the window again, and pushed back the blinds. A few clouds scurried across the starry sky, hurrying along as if they had places to be.

“Dear God,” she prayed. “I need strength, direction in this matter, courage to speak the truth, and help for Eli.”

She waited and let her breath out slowly.
Somehow I have to face the bishop and tell him the truth—that I cannot give him my heart and that Eli needs help. If he is a
gut
man, as they say, perhaps he won’t deny us the help we need. I owe him honesty, and surely Mamm and Daett will understand
.

A measure of peace came, and she let the curtain down again. She climbed into bed but set no alarm, knowing that the familiar household sounds would awaken her as they always had.

When the gentle morning noises began, she awoke gently. They wouldn’t expect her to help chore, but she got up anyway, lit the kerosene lamp, and dressed quickly. Downstairs, the sounds of her mom’s usual morning bustle came from the kitchen.

“You could have slept in,” Lizzie said. “You’re on your own now.”

“I know. I guess I’m finding that out.”

“I hope you won’t think I’m pushing,” Mamm began, “but when the bishop comes, you will be sayin’ yes? Is that what I understood from your silence last night?”

Ella felt some relief that the question was directly put to her. She mustered up her courage and said, “Mamm, I don’t know if I can marry the bishop. I don’t think so. I don’t feel for him the way I did toward Aden, and I’ll have to tell him so when he comes.”

Ella could see the look of disappointment on her mom’s face. “I might never love a man again,” she continued. “I have to be honest about this.”

“Well, don’t make your mind up too quickly,” Mamm said sadly, shoving another piece of wood into the oven. “Perhaps
Da Hah
will make a way. The bishop’s a good man, Ella. He would make a
gut
husband for you. Please just let him have his say and listen to him. He might say the right words to turn your heart toward love.”

“I can’t promise,” Ella said as she began to set the table.

“Just keep your mind open. That’s all we ask.”

“I will speak to him about Eli. That much I can do.”

“That would be good. Your daett has his heart set on it.” Then Mamm turned the conversation back to the bishop’s intentions. “He’s good lookin’, nice too, and a great man of our people. Your children would be brought up well…solid in the faith.”

“Mamm—”

“Just keep your mind open to him, Ella. That’s all I ask. That’s all your daett asked. I know Aden left a great hole in that heart of yours, as he left a hole in all our hearts, but we must go on. Life continues in the way
Da Hah
wishes it, and we had best listen to Him and to what He wants.”

“I’ll try.” Ella set the last plate on the table.

“I know you will,” Mamm said. “That’s all anyone can do.”

They finished breakfast preparations with a peaceful silence between them. Ella was thankful. She couldn’t imagine how awful it would be to have discord between her mamm and daett.
How does Eli stand it?

The screen door snapped out in the washroom, and the water could soon be heard splashing in the washbasin. Ella moved the last of the food to the table while her mom sliced bread. She retrieved butter and jam from the lower shelf in the pantry and then went upstairs to call her younger sisters and help them dress before coming downstairs.

When everyone was seated at the table, Daett said, “
Gut
mornin’.” Ella took his good spirits to mean that he was confident that the bishop would speak to Eli and convince him to give up Pam. She looked over to Eli and noticed he looked a little guilty.

After prayer her dad cleared his throat, and Ella knew more was to come.

“Ella, your mamm says you might have a chance to let the house out to cousin Ronda.”

Ella nodded and took a bite of her eggs.

“That’s a good idea,” he said. “Why don’t you just let the whole house out and come back here? We could stand having you—if you could stand us.”

Ella weighed her words. “I like the house,” she began. “I’ll be stayin’. It gives me a good feelin’, making my own way.”

“Well, you’re always welcome,” he said and then with a twinkle added, “until someone picks you for his fine wife.”

Monroe laughed, and Ella glared at him. Eli was silent.

“You shouldn’t tease the girl so,” Mamm said, coming to Ella’s defense.

“She can take it,” Daett said with a smile. “All my children can. Look at what she has already gone through. And now she has her own house. I did try to raise them well, but this is
Da Hah’s
blessin’. His grace, that’s what it is.”

Ella kept her eyes down, feeling the warmth of her dad’s praise. He wasn’t aware the bishop might get turned down. But hopefully, if Eli was still helped, her dad wouldn’t react too harshly.

“
Da Hah
will continue to help us,” Daett said, turning his gaze to Eli.

They finished breakfast, and Dora helped Ella harness her horse while her brothers made a dash to get the Belgians ready. The upper hay field was ready today, and she felt guilt about her departure.

“You shouldn’t be feelin’ so,” Dora said as if reading her thoughts. “We all have to leave sometime. And you’re just doin’ it a little different. If you were married, it would still be the same.”

“I guess so,” Ella said, getting in the buggy.

“Keep that chin up,” Dora said. “There’s always more trouble down the road.”

“How does that help?”

“Keeps you in condition to face it properly,” Dora said quite soberly.

“Be seeing you, then.” Ella laughed, slapped the reins, and urged the horse to pull forward. She turned the buggy sharply to the right and drove down the blacktop.

Twelve

H
er house needed attention, but more importantly Ella needed to speak to Ronda. Ella wasn’t sure she could live with another couple. In the short time she had been there, Ella had grown to love her house and was reluctant to give up any part of it to another person, much less a married couple. Yet the practicality of it was obvious. It would bring in some income and help out Ronda and Joe too.

Ella slapped the reins and turned down the road toward the house where Ronda still lived with her parents. Moments later she pulled in the driveway and came to a stop at the hitching post. No one seemed to be around, but she tied up anyway, then walked up to the house, and knocked on the door. The sound was loud in the morning stillness.