Embracing Life (5 page)

We go along like this for months, and we are now only weeks from graduating. I have stood on the sidelines for years. Despite my obviously forced distance, I am never too far from her. Hearing her laugh is like music to my ears. My heart flutters when she smiles. I watched as she grew more and more comfortable. It’s impossible, but she seems to have gotten more beautiful than when she first arrived.  One of my greatest memories would be last fall. She received her acceptance letter to college, and instead of keeping it close and talking in hushed tones, she ran, screaming, through the yard to Katie and Mike. She was so happy. I fell in love with her all over again.

How could I forget that day? She was so excited that I could not contain myself. I walked up to her, put my hand on her shoulder, and said “Congratulations!” She whipped around so fast that she nearly lost her balance. Why must I be such a fool? I know how she responds to me now, but I had to let her know how happy I was for her. Her face turned red with anger as she stared at me. Taking one quick glance at the paper held tightly in her little fingers, she looked at me. For a split second, I thought a smile may come to her face, but when she looked at Mike and Katie, my hopes were dashed as she told me exactly how she thought of me.

“I can’t wait to get away from here,” she said, turning and leaving the spot where she once stood.

Katie gave me a shy smile as she followed her friend out of the courtyard. I stood stock still. My feet felt cemented to the floor, and I could not move.  I dropped my head with defeat. I did not need to see him to know he was getting closer. I braced myself for the outburst that would surely come from Mike. As the seconds passed, nothing came. Finally, I heard the whistle of his breath pass through his teeth. He placed his hands on my shoulders. I risked a look and saw him staring at me.

Does he understand now? Does he see it?

“Stay away from Mel, Josh. Please, for me” he pleaded.

“Why?” is all I could muster, praying I would get a
response. I felt so weak. I never back down so quickly. What she has done to me?

“Wrong time, wrong place, man. Maybe in another life. Just not now. Move on.”

I watched as he walked away from me.  His continued warnings have become clear, but that doesn’t mean I have not yearned for her. I haven’t dated, let alone even looked at another girl. I have thrown myself, head first, into school and sports, but none of it matters without her.

I sit at my desk, surrounded by scrunched up and balled pieces of paper. I have written this about 50 times, and I never seem to find the right words.

“Damn it, Josh. Just write it,” I scold myself out loud. It’s my last attempt, but I have to let her know.

I
am so close to graduating high school I can taste it. I am so close to saying goodbye to this part of my life and moving on to bigger and better things, to having a clean break, and a true fresh start.

I was forced to move to California three years ago to escape, yet another, one of my mom’s disastrous relationships. Moving in with my father probably wasn’t one of the wisest moves, but I was left with no choice. My dad is a commander in the U.S. Navy, stationed at San Diego. The Navy is his life; it has always come first. I am pretty sure that’s why my parents’ relationship ended. She was not cut out for this life. Things between my father and I are strained at the best of times. So, when I say I would have rather gone anywhere than here, I am not exaggerating. Over the last decade, he’s become more of an illusion, a dream of sorts, than an actual father. At one point, I was the typical daddy’s girl, but those days have come and are long gone.

Moving here was supposed to be a fresh start for me. What people don’t know is that there is no chance of that. I can put on a brave face. I can smile. I am damn good at faking it, but the scars run deep. I am damaged, and there is no mending this soul. To this day, my father does not know what happened back home in Kentucky, and I will never tell him. I am not scared of his reaction; I am more concerned about the sheer let down that will come from it. You know, the whole, “Oh well. It’s in the past. Not much I can do about it now,” kind of mentality, and believe me, those words taste sour in my mouth. 

As I pull into the parking lot of Hilsom high school, I notice my two best friends tilting their bodies into each other on the front of Mike’s car. One of these days, they will slip
and crash to the ground. Oh my, I would love to see that. It would make up for the years of gushy mushy love that I have had to witness. Yuck! Sometimes, it truly makes my stomach roll. They cannot keep their hands off each other. I wonder, sometimes, if there is anything they haven’t done, and if there is any part of each other’s bodies they haven’t touched. I love them though, so I will suffer in silence. However, I find it my duty to rag on them from time to time. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t? Rolling my eyes and inhaling a calming breath, I move towards them. They are so wrapped up in each other that neither of them notice me coming up behind Katie.  I just cannot resist but to get her going. I slowly walk up behind her and grab her hips in just the right place. Immediately, she squeals and turns to take out the intruder. I duck as Mike grabs her hand and abruptly turns her toward me.

“Damn it, Mel! What the hell? You know I hate that!” she yells in frustration, giving me the biggest grin her small face can hold.

“Yeah, Mel, I was enjoying my breakfast, and if I’m right, I think she was enjoying it too,” Mike teases.

“Yuck! Mike, that’s gross. As if it’s not torture enough to see you two at it every hour of the day, you have bring up that?! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little,” I scoff.

That boy has no bounds. He is gorgeous and funny, but sometimes, he acts like a five year old, especially when his tongue is shoved down my friend’s throat. I would not give them up for anything though. They have made my life tolerable since I arrived in California. I was introduced to Katie on my first day at Hilsom. As time went on, I learned that our fathers worked together, so we were kind of thrown in to this friendship. We are alike in many ways, but she is outgoing, bubbly, and bouncy. I, on the other hand, am reserved, quiet, and can, quite frankly, be a stick in the mud.

Mike and Katie have been together since middle school. They are a great pair. He is a little rough around the edges, but I guess that’s what gives him his appeal. I have never seen him lose it in public, but I am sure, under the right circumstances, he would. He is the quintessential bad boy. With them attached at the hip most of the day, it was inevitable that I would become close to Mike too. Over the years, Mike has become more than a friend to me. He is the big brother that I always wanted but never had. He is my protector and my solid shoulder to cry on if I need it, especially when things get bad at home.

“Come on, guys. We are going to be late. We really need to get a move on. Don’t you both have math first period?”

“Yeah, Mel, but we are totally thinking of skipping it. We don’t have to do anything anyway. Staring at the teacher is not something that I look forward to, especially when he has not learned to use his razor properly yet. That guy comes to work with more toilet paper attached to his face than Mike uses in a year on his ass. I swear the guy looks like he is 18.” She glances at Mike, waiting for his reaction. As always, he has none.

“Oh my god, Katie. That’s disgusting. Could you at least act like a woman? Mike is rubbing off on you.”

A sea of bodies greets me as I enter the school. Mike and Katie head off to who knows where. They have lightened up around me over the last year. I am grateful that they have
been there for me, but the freedom is liberating. At times, their behavior has been overbearing. They act like I will break at any given moment, like some porcelain doll hanging off the edge of an old shelf.

Moving through the mass of bodies in the hallway and searching for my locker, I am hit with the unforgettable stench of sweaty boys and overly scented girls. I can’t even describe the smell, but it is something that I would rather forget. If you look close enough, as the sun hits the crowded hallway, you can see the hair spray and deodorant forming a thick fog in the air. I try to hold my breath, mentally telling myself it cannot be healthy to inhale all this stuff, but as always, my body disagrees with my thoughts, and once again, I am forced to breathe in the wretched stench.

Bringing myself back to the here and now and away from my wayward thoughts, I locate my locker and move as fast as I can to get there. I have class in ten minutes, and being held up in the parking lot by the two star crossed lovers has eaten into my time. English is on the other side of the courtyard, and everyone, including me, is now scrambling to get where they need to be. How we don’t have daily pile ups in this school I will never know. Seriously, you have a school with over 350 students. The least you could do is widen the halls.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I make it to my locker unscathed. I scramble to remember my lock code. I have the worst memory when it comes to numbers. I squint my eyes at the gold padlock, trying to recollect the combination. I notice a corner of something sticking out of the vent.

I move to grab it, but it is too far in. I can’t reach it. It’s probably one of the mass invites to a graduation party that the senior class is putting on. I have no desire to go to. As soon as I am dismissed in four days, I will be in my car and Texas bound.

“Damn it!” I mumble to myself. I can’t remember the code. I am just going to have to wing English, and I need to be on time. My final grade hasn’t been posted yet, and Ms. Wright is a hard ass. She will pretty much write you up for anything, so I do not doubt for one second that she would alter my grade for being late. Yet again, I am faced with the gauntlet of bodies trying to make their way to class. Their bodies are slumped and moving slow, like cattle being forced to slaughter.

“Come on people! Move it!” I yell from my place at the back of about 60 students. They all turn and roll their eyes, and I feel the blood burn up in my face. I am not one to speak out, and I am sure as hell not one to make a scene, but dang it. I need to get to class already.

Time is ticking fast, and this mass of bodies is not moving anytime soon. I scan the hallway, looking for a hole I can squeeze through but to no avail. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice the fire escape door. The alarm on this door has been faulty the whole time I have been at this school, so I make a run for it and hope and pray they have not fixed the alarm. I give the door one good push, and it opens with ease. I am surprised by how quickly the door opens, and I am thrown slightly off balance as I make my exit. I feel my body falling forward, and I brace myself for impact. When it doesn’t come, I am pleasantly surprised but stunned. No, I didn’t fall to the ground. Instead, I feel a straight tall, muscular form. I fell head first into the arms of Josh Danes.

Josh! Oh boy. Why does it have to be him?

Josh inserted himself into my life shortly after I came to Hilsom. I had no intention of getting involved with anyone, let alone a boy. He touched me once. To say that every inch of my body didn’t feel him would be a lie. My body reacted in such a familiar way that I had no choice but to put distance between us. I never explained why. After the incident with my mother a couple of years back, Mike told me that Josh stood up to the worm. Secretly, I thanked him, never getting the courage to say it.

He is not a bad guy. He has always been nice to Katie and a great friend to Mike from what I can gather, and again, they have been together as friends since middle school. I have been hard on him in the past, but through no fault of his own. I have been lied to my entire life, and I will not tolerate it anymore. Although it was a lie of omission, it still burned. It left a streak of doubt circling through my mind, one that I cannot get over.

I pull myself away from my thoughts.  Realizing that I am currently wrapped in his arms, I cannot seem to form a sentence. My heart is beating furiously in my chest. My eyes seek his. I know I have to move, but my body is telling me otherwise. I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel whole. I’m not damaged here, enclosed in his arms.

As I try to correct myself and will my body to listen, I glance up and see sinister grin coming from his face. As I look more closely, I believe he is actually trying to stifle his laughter from the apparent hilarity of my fall from glory. It seems he has a habit of saving me, more so from myself than anything. If only he knew.

“Hey, Josh. Um… would you mind letting me go? I have to get to class.”

Keeping my eyes trained on his, I see a flicker in his gorgeous sea blue orbs. I could drown in them. It’s like looking into the clearest lagoon. I feel the muscles tense as the words fall from my mouth. As I pull away, I swear I hear a sigh of aggravation. I look up at him once more before I completely release myself from his hold. His face is tense, almost angry. If I didn’t know any better, I would think he didn’t want me to go.

“Hey Mel. Of course. Don’t let me keep you. It’s not like I planned on being here anyway. Sorry to have messed up your schedule.” His tone is aggravated and clipped. I don’t understand why. He says the words a little louder than normal, checking over his shoulder as each word falls from his mouth. I know who he is looking for. Do I tell him Mike is not here or should I let him sweat a little? Mike has made it his mission to keep the male population away from me this year.

“Thanks Josh. I will see you around, K?”

“Yeah, whatever. I guess bye Mel.”

As I watch him walk away, I turn, breathing deep. His irritated tone bugs me, but the look in his eyes intrigues me. I watch as he walks through the fires escape. He doesn’t look back.

“Josh!” I yell.

He stops but doesn’t turn. By the twitch of his foot, he wants nothing more than to turn and look at me.

“Mike isn’t here.” With that, I walk away.

My name echoes through the courtyard, but I pay no attention. Head high, eyes forward, I have to get to class.

Damn it!

Speed walking to class, I cannot help but think back on that strange exchange between Josh and me. We have never been close. I honestly would not even call us friends, but I second guess my reaction to him. It dawns on me that we haven’t spoken since the incident in science. What does he think of me? It all makes sense. He would always stop by to say hi. He would always smile at me. I have to ask Mike what all Josh knows. 

Running as fast as my little legs will carry me, I finally make it into the English building and my classroom. Knowing I am at least five minutes late makes my stomach drop to my knees. Walking into a classroom filled with disparaging students is not going to be the highlight of my day. God help me. My grade is going to suck. I have to do it though. I can’t miss this class. I have to be brave and walk in like it doesn’t affect me. Mentally pumping myself up, I walk in, bracing myself for a scolding. What I find is not what I expect at all. Everyone is up, out of their seats, dossing around, throwing papers, and laughing. No Ms. Wright anywhere. Strange!

I breathe a sigh of relief as, apparently, I am not the only one who is late to class. Gradually, I make my way to my seat, waving, winking, and trying to skirt around strung out teenagers. I thought I was a goner for a second there. My leg was grabbed by a fiend, Jacob, who is way too grabby for everyone’s liking, especially mine. Giving him a swift kick, he released with cat cry and a puppy pout, the biggest contradiction to mankind. Once in my seat, waiting somewhat patiently for Ms. Wright, my mind cannot help but dwell on my run in with Josh. Was I too hard on him? I never gave him the chance to explain. He has the pick of any girl in the school, so why would he want anything to do with me anyway. I rub my arms, recalling his touch, how my body reacted to it, the strength of his arms as they held me close, and the warmth of his breath flowing over my head as he held me tight.