Embracing Life (7 page)

I
had hoped I would make sense of yesterday’s drama during the night, but my hopes were cut short. Not being able to sleep with the details running through my head and repeating like a broken record, was exhausting. Katie and Mike both called a few times after I left them in the gym, but I couldn’t talk them. The voicemail on my phone has been flashing since last night, but I can’t find an ounce of desire to hear their pleas. Josh has entered my thoughts more than once over the last 18 hours. I see his face, over and over again, and the hurt and confusion in his eyes invades every thought.

Tracking down Josh is not an easy task. Walking through the school grounds, I am caught with glares, whispers, and cat calls. People know more than I do, and it is annoying. Only 24 hours ago, no one gave me a second look. No one made adverse comments about me. I was left alone. Now, I am faced with a wall of faces standing between me and the person I so desperately need to talk to. Confronting Josh will not be easy, but I owe it to myself. I have been guarded by Katie and Mike for so long now that I have to constantly remind myself that I can fight my own battles. I may be damaged, but damn it, I will embrace this life.

Starting at the well-known likely places and coursing the locations I think he could be, my search is coming up empty-handed. The one place I know he must be is the one place that I don’t want to go: the gym. I contemplate waiting outside, but I don’t want to risk waiting in vain if he isn’t there. I have to look inside. As much as I hate the idea, I have to. I pluck up the courage and move towards the gym doors. Just as reach for the door, it takes a violent swing outwards, and I am struck in the side and thrown to the floor. Great! Dazed and a little confused, I check my legs for injuries, inspect my waist, and rub the sore spot forming on my ass.

Just then, I hear his voice. Josh. I freeze. My body instantly reacts to him. I have never really pursued him and never looked at him as more than Mike’s friend. Consciously anyway. So why, all of a sudden, is my body telling me otherwise?

“Mel? Oh, Mel, I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going. Damn, Mel, are you ok?”

I look up to see him pulling his ear buds out. He reaches out a hand to help me up. I am hesitant at first, but the harshness of the ground below chafes my skin. The second our hands meet, an electric pulse passes between us. I look into his eyes, a much lighter shade of blue today. I feel my face blush and my heart pound in my chest. I lower my head to gain some control over my thoughts. I cannot share the secret that haunts them. I am not worthy of a man’s love. No man would want me after finding out anyway. As long as I keep telling myself that, I will be good, but there is something about Josh that has sparked a reaction deep within me. I feel warm and whole when I am around him, even if it is only for a matter of minutes.  Damn hormones!

“Here, let me help you up.”

“Thanks, Josh, but I can manage. I need to talk to you, but we need to get away from here. Will you walk me to my car?”

“Where’s Mike?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t care. I am here to talk to you, not Mike. So, will you walk with me? You have some explaining to do.” He shifts and snatches his hand away as I work myself up the wall and get back on my feet. He has gone shy and timid. He knows why I am here. I can feel it. As I gain my footing, I look at him. He has his hands tucked in his pockets, his head down, and his breathing is erratic to say the least. “Walk with me, please!” I beg.

He takes a hesitant step back and nods his head. As we walk away from the gym, I notice people looking at us. We are by no means close to each other; there is at least two feet of space between us, and we are both rigid. I wonder what they are thinking as we walk past, but on second thought, I would rather not know. Just as that thought passes through my head, I hear a loud cat call and a “go get her son” from somewhere in the distance. I glance up in shock and search the faces for the person responsible, but I find no one. I have an overwhelming urge to get away from these prying eyes and the apparent friction between us.

W
e
make it to the parking lot, and I locate my little beetle. I love this car. I saved and saved when I first arrived here and was able to purchase it by myself. It is a faded shade of yellow with spots of rust stemming from the hood all the way down to the rear bumper. Katie often tells me that it looks like someone threw up all over it, but it’s mine, and I have pride in it. She runs just fine, although neither of my friends will ride in it. It’s like they expect it to fall apart at any moment. The closer and closer we get to my car, the tighter the tension in the air becomes. I am not ignorant to the reason why.

“This is mine… Where are you parked?” I ask forcefully.

I’m over there,” he says, pointing to the biggest truck in the parking lot. Oh yes, a true man’s vehicle. Chrome on the front bumper, lifted, and painted a stunning shade of blue, much like his eyes. There is something hanging from the mirror, but I am too far away to see what it is. I glance between him and the truck, trying to figure out how he could possibly get in and out of that beast. While the physics don’t add up, what I do see is evidence enough: Pride. I understand that look. I get the same look every time I think of what I did to get this car. The sense of accomplishment is overwhelming. So, I guess that’s one thing Josh and I have in common.

“Nice, that must have cost a fortune. It’s so you, though.”

“Thanks. I built it up from scrap. I still have some work to do to her,” he says, facing me, eyes boring into mine.

“We are not here to talk trucks, so let’s get to it. I don’t want to be out here forever. It’s supposed to rain this afternoon.”

“Did you just say she? You truck is a girl?”  I ask, trying to hold in my amusement.

“Yeah, I did. What about it?” He looks confused as I try to stifle the laugh growing inside my chest. I have never heard anyone refer to a vehicle as a he or she. It’s funny but oh so very cute.

“Um… nothing it’s just cute is all,” I say, smiling.

“Glad I could amuse you. I like to see you smile,” he replies, his eyes never leaving mine. With that, I look up at the sky and the heavens are about to explode. The clouds are getting darker, tinted with deep hues of purple, a sure sign of an impending thunder storm. I take a deep breath and smell the rain in the distance. With a refreshing breath running thorough my lungs, I look to Josh. Time to finish this madness that has occupied my mind the last couple of days.

“Ok! Well, let’s start with why you wanted to meet me. Then you can explain why the hell Mike went psycho on you yesterday,” I say bluntly.

“Me, I don’t know where to start. This is complicated” His eyes go frantic. He is looking everywhere rather than maintaining eye contact with me. I want to scream at him, but I know it won’t get me anywhere. He is hiding something.

“Look, Josh, I have an idea why you wanted to talk to me, but I want to hear it from you. You wanted to talk. You sent the note. So, talk. I’m listening.” I don’t falter as I say the words. Yes, I am angry with everything I have found out the last couple of days, but I have to give him a chance to tell me what he wanted to say. By his reaction, I know that would not happen if I came at him yelling and screaming. His eyes finally find focus on mine, and I see it. Damn it! Unspoken words flowing from his expression as his eyes speak without a word.

“Please, Josh. I have been lied to so many times in my life. For once, I need to know the truth,” I plead. My plea shocks him. I have gone from a silent nobody to a pitiful, whining teenager in 24 hours. I am not sure if he understands how to deal with me. I have never really given him the opportunity to. I shot him down the minute I felt he was not truthful with me. I knew the truth back then, and I still know the truth now. He has a past as I do. I should have seen that and given him the chance to let me in. His eyes are burning into me, and I can tell he is trying to figure me out. I am, once again, captured by ocean colored eyes. I love those eyes….Damn it, Mel! Snap out of it!

“Ok. Look, I’m sorry. I should have never sent you that letter, but I wanted to talk to you about….well, I wanted to get to know you. Mike has been by your side the last three years, and he won’t let me anywhere near you. I know why.  I do, but seeing as we are going to graduate here soon, I thought, maybe, I could… you should know… ummm.”

As he speaks, he rocks back and forth on his heels. He clearly has something to say, but he won’t say it.  As I watch him nervously shift, Katie’s words come rushing back to me, “There are things you don’t know Mel.” I am going to have to approach this differently. Bringing up why Mike is so protective over me is not the way to go. It will lead to questions about me. Questions that I can’t handle, let alone answer.

“Look, Josh. Mike has been like a big brother to me since moving here. I know he is protective, maybe a little too protective at times, but what is so wrong with you that he would not want me talking to you?”

I wait for his answer, but deep down, I know I will not get one.

I watch as he leans his body against my car. I look at the figure before me and think back to when we first met and how much he has changed. He is no longer a boy. He is a man. Everything about him is perfect. I am nothing in comparison to him. I watch as he shifts his body. Every inch of him is defined, toned, and tanned. I find it hard to see what he could possibly see in me. I am not Jessica. I don’t have the figure or bouncy personality to warrant his behavior.

Josh is at least six feet tall, dirty blonde hair, sea blue eyes, a well looked after body, and a face like a damn movie star. He is completely well-rounded, in more ways than one. Then, there is me. I am as average as they come. A little over five feet, a smallish waist, average sized boobs, hair as dark as the night, and green eyes. I just need to throw on a cloak, grab my broom, and I could pull off being a witch. Rolling my eyes at the negativity running through my head, I look up to see Josh’s eyes burning holes in to my soul.

I am distracted by him. The pull that is growing by the second between us is not one that I am used to. It’s foreign, the feeling of warmth, of being whole. I snap out of the trance that has taken over my body and turn to leave. As I step back, Josh grabs my shoulder and lowers his head to touch mine. I slam my eyelids shut. I cannot let him see the truth buried within my soul.

“Mel, it was bad judgment on my part. I never should have done it. I knew Mike would go mental if he found out, and I deserved everything I got yesterday. I am just sorry that you had to witness it. Can we just drop it and move on? We only have a few days left here, and I don’t want to make them difficult for you.”

Now, I’m pissed. I am not a child for Christ’s sake. I can make my own decisions. Neither Mike nor Josh will make them for me. Snapping my body away from his grip, I glare at him, silently praying he cannot see them emotion welling up behind my eyes.

“No, Josh. We can’t just forget. Are you serious?! How I am supposed to move on from that? You and Mike went all caveman over me yesterday, and I want to know why!” I demand, stomping my foot to make my point. This does nothing to him. He doesn’t react. He is unmoved from my little temper tantrum, and it pisses me off even more. Instead, he smiles and cracks out a fully belly laugh. Apparently, I said something funny. What it was is beyond me at this point. I don’t even remember half the things I said to him.

“Caveman?” he says, his face going soft. I can see he wants to burst into laughter; his smug face gives him away.

“Really, Mel? Did you really just call me a caveman? That is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. Nice metaphor.”

“Yes, I did, and now you are acting like a complete idiot,” I snap.  A smile creeps across my face as I watch him laugh. I love to see him smile. Every muscle is alive in his face, bringing out the real person locked away within the façade known as “Josh.”

Realizing my smile is noticeable to him, I turn sharply with the intention of moving around the car to get in it. Time to end this conversation. I don’t think I will get what I am looking for today or any other day for that matter. Taking a step, I am halted in place by the strong but gentle grip of his hand. I cannot bare to look at him. I hang my head low, trying to rein in my emotions.

“Hold up, Mel. Don’t get your panties in a knot. Let’s talk. You wanted this, and I am open. I am sorry I laughed, but babe, you are just so funny with the way your eyes light up when you get angry. The sound of your laugh holds me hostage. Talk to me, Melanie. I want to hear what you have to say.” Babe? Did he just call me babe? He wants me to talk, but all I want to do is yell. I want to scream at him for allowing Mike to influence him. I want to scream to high heavens and thump my fists into his chest for his ignorance.  Pulling myself from his grasp, I turn and snarl.

“Why Josh? Why now?” I can feel the anger bubbling in my chest. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this amount of frustration bottled up. There is something about Josh that infuriates the hell out of me, and from the look he is giving me right now, I am pretty sure he feels the same way.

With each passing second, the anger boils and boils, threatening to spill over at any moment. Still no answer. He is just staring at me. He must think I am telepathic or something.

“Why Josh?” I yell, slamming my bag onto the hood of my car. I am done being patient. What was supposed to be a chat has pushed me over the edge in record time. Why will no one give me the truth? Why won’t they be honest with me?

Looking up from me, he glances at the students lingering around. They are not paying much attention to us. So why they are bothering him, I don’t know. I will not allow them to be a distraction. I want answers.

“Mel,” he whispers, keeping his eyes fixed on the bodies behind us. “Let’s talk somewhere else.”

I don’t know where it came from, but I lose it. Grabbing my bag from the hood of my car, I, ranting and raving, make my way over to his truck.

“Melanie, slow down.” is all I hear before I turn around, swinging my bag with me. I don’t know if I intended on hitting him, but at this point, I really don’t give a rat’s ass.

“Calm down, Mel. You are making a scene. You really want to be part of the rumor mill this close to the end of the year?”

My emotions are all over the place. When I look at him, I feel things I never thought I would or be allowed to feel, but the moment he makes a smart ass comment, anger and frustration erupt from my core.

“A scene, Josh?! A fucking scene?! I will give you a damn scene…”

SLAP!

My left hand lands square across his jaw. He steps back, stunned and bringing his hand to the red imprint emerging on his face. His eyes dilate, and he is pissed. I can’t think about that right now. I can’t believe I hit him. What the hell was I thinking?! I am irritated, yes, but I have never raised my hand, let alone hit someone before. I vowed I wouldn’t.

“What the fuck, Mel? Why did you hit me?”

Slapping him was uncalled for, but it was a reaction to his negativity. I will fight my internal battles about hitting him when I am alone. Right now, at this very moment, I am on a high. That felt so wrong but so right.

“You deserved it, Caveman,” I reply, trying my hardest to keep a straight face. His reaction to my comments is becoming quite amusing.

“There you go with the caveman comments again. How am I to have a conversation with you if you continue to insult me, huh?”

Buddy, you have no idea the amount of insults I can hand to you if you keep this up. I don’t know where this is all coming from. I am losing control, and I can’t. I won’t. I have to get away from him. He is truly bringing the worst out of me, but strangely, I like it.

I begin to move away, crossing the parking lot to my car. As I round the driver’s side, I feel his grip on my wrist. I look up at him with the evilest stare I can give, but he doesn’t falter. He doesn’t let go. Something in his eyes calls to me.

“Josh, let me go. I have to get home.”

“Mel, I’m sorry. I know what you want, and I want to give you the answers you need, but honestly, I don’t know how to give them to you. Know this though: I am sorry that things happened this way. I never wanted to you to get hurt. I knew Mike would freak out, but I had to try Mel. Believe me, I had to try.”

“Try what, Josh? What is it?”  God I wish he would just spit it out already.

His body grows tense, and I can see the anger and concern lurking in his eyes, but there is something else, something I am not sure I want to find out. He lets go off my wrist, and I reach for my car door. Before I can get a grip of the handle, my body is thrust from where I am standing and raised into the air. My world is spinning, and I am lost. What is happening?! Then, I feel it, the warm sensation of his lips upon mine. Although the kiss does not last long, my mouth is tingling, my body is limp, and I feel so out of control yet so whole.