Emily's Choice (17 page)

“Mama?”
Sadie asked from the doorway of the room they were sharing. It was Emily’s
childhood bedroom that she’d shared with Hope, and it hadn’t changed since the
day she and Jason had left for college.

When Hope
had joined the family, they’d made a few adjustments to the room—adding a
second twin bed, bookcase, and dresser, but leaving the decor the same. Once
they’d grown up a bit, her parents had taken down the rose floral wallpaper and
painted the room a pale lavender. The girls had gotten white comforters with
lilac flowers on them and curtains to match. Her father had had someone come in
to clean and wax the hardwood floor, making it glossy and smooth.

The floor
was a bit worn after almost ten years, and the curtains and comforters, as well
as the beds and furniture, were the same—if only a bit faded.

“Yes,
sweetpea
?” Emily was unpacking their suitcases and stowing
them under the beds. It was unseasonably cool, so Emily had the windows open to
air out the room.

“Have puppy?”
she asked, eyes wide and hopeful. “Home puppy?”

“Maybe.”
Emily smiled. “We have to ask Aunt Hope, it’s her apartment.” She ran her hand
down Sadie’s hair and turned to finish unpacking.

Sadie
wobbled to the bed and rubbed her eyes. Yawning, she stuck her thumb in her
mouth and twirled a lock of hair around her finger. Emily glanced up and sighed
to herself. Her poor baby. Crazy schedule, change of time zones, boring time at
the hospital, and a normal toddler schedule gone straight to hell.

“Tired baby?”

Sadie shook
her head. But Emily knew better. She picked Sadie up and pulled back the
blanket and sheets on the bed. Tucking her in, Emily laid down next to her and
rubbed her back. Not even two minutes later, Sadie was sound asleep.

Emily
quietly got up and finished unpacking. She spent the day roaming the rooms and
halls of the house. Venturing outside after Sadie woke from her nap, they
saddled a horse and took a short ride around the ranch. Sadie loved the ride
and spent the rest of the day talking about it.

When Emily
laid her head on her pillow late that night, she wished for strong arms to hold
her tight. Sadie was softly snoring in the bed next to her, and Emily
’
s heart was
breaking. She wanted to curl up in a ball and cry herself a river, and those
strong arms would help to keep her from falling apart and floating down the
river with her tears.

She didn’t
want to wake her daughter, so she turned over and resolutely closed her eyes.
There’d be a time and place for her to grieve later. But as the minutes ticked
by and she couldn’t find a comfortable position, she wondered if sleep would be
elusive for her tonight. Her legs were twitching, her mind racing with thoughts
and memories of Grace, and the twin bed seemed so much smaller than it had when
she’d been a teenager.

Sighing
deeply, she flung the blankets back and quietly got out of bed. She pulled the
blankets up on Sadie, who was a hot sleeper and routinely kicked her blankets
off every night, then kissed her cheek. She snuck out of the room and went down
to the kitchen. Pouring herself a mug of milk, she popped it in the microwave
and stood in front of it waiting for the countdown so she could open the door
before it dinged and woke the house.

She took her
mug to the living room and sat on the couch in the dark. Sipping her mug of warmed
milk, she glanced around the room and smiled to herself. She remembered the
night her father had come home from a poker game and fallen head first over the
couch that she’d moved earlier in the day. He’d been so mad and had made her
promise to never change the furniture again without the express approval from
both him and Grace. She’d agreed but been rather put out about it. She should
have known even then that she’d become an interior designer later in life.

She pulled
the afghan off the back of the couch and tucked it around her legs. So many
cherished memories haunted just this one room. Many nights they sat around
watching television together, Grace knitting and Clint reading a book. Endless
board games between herself, Hope, and Tyler. Prom pictures. Homecoming
pictures. Birthday parties.

And before
Emily realized it, tears were pouring down her face. She set her mug on the
coffee table and curled up on the couch, wrapping the afghan around her
shoulders. She cried until she had no tears left,
hiccuping
softly and trying to calm her racing heart. She hated to cry, hated the feeling
of being emptied and dried out. Hated the puffy, swollen eyes and the red,
blotchy skin that always accompanied her bouts of tears. But the worst was that
it never made her feel better. There was no cathartic well-being for her. All
it did was leave her feeling wrung out and weary.

This time
was no different. Wiping her eyes and face, she quietly blew her nose and then
picked up her mug. She continued to sip the milk as her mind played through all
her fondest memories.

“Can’t
sleep?” Clint asked quietly from the doorway.

Shrieking
softly, Emily jumped and came close to spilling what was left in her mug. “Jeez,
Dad, you scared the crap out of me.”

“Sorry.” He
chuckled, sitting down on the couch next to her.

“It’s okay.
I just didn’t hear you. You’re stealthy.” She smiled into the dark.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just
couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t get comfy and my brain wouldn’t shut down.” She
motioned with her mug. “Was hoping some warm milk would help.” With her free
hand, she patted her father’s arm. “You?”

“Bed was too
empty for my liking. Figured I’d check on the cow.”

“Have you
been out to see her yet?”

“No, was on
my way when I saw something moving in here.”

“Do you mind
if I come with you?”

“Not at all.
Be glad for the company.”

When they
got to the barn, her father opened the gate to the stall where the cow was
being kept. They went inside and found the cow laying down in the hay. Emily
went straight to the front of the cow, stroking her nose and whispering
soothing words. Clint passed his hands over her belly.

“Is she
okay?” Emily asked.

“Yep,
shouldn’t be long now. She’s secreting, and I can feel contractions. We’ll have
a calf by morning, no doubt.”

Emily smiled
and continued to pet the cow’s face and head. Long before she’d had her own
child, she was familiar with the birthing process. Many a night had seen her
out in the barn with her father and brother, waiting for a new calf to be born.
It had been something neither Hope nor Lila had cared for and Emily had always
chalked it up to their city upbringings.

Emily
settled down into the hay, leaning her back against the stall wall. “Guess
there’ll be no need for the vet?”

“Nope, this
little mama is doing it right.”

“Good. I
always hated when the vet came. Meant there was trouble and danger.”

“We’ve lost
some pretty good cows through the years.”

“Will you
call Tyler?”

“No, she’s
doing well, and there’s no reason to have him come over for an easy birth.
Besides, Sophie needs her rest and I certainly don’t want to call over there
and chance waking her up.”

“Good point.”
Emily laughed.

“How’s your
job going?” Clint asked, settling himself down in the hay.

“It’s going
well. We’ve got plenty to keep us busy and just got a new opportunity to send
in designs for a business. Kendra should be back at the end of the month. One
of her goals for next year is to pick up some more commercial business.”

“Will you
split the responsibilities?”

“What do you
mean?”

“She does
the commercial stuff and you do the residential stuff?”

“Oh, I don’t
know. She hasn’t said anything one way or the other.”

Clint
nodded.

They lapsed
into silence, lost in their thoughts and grief. The viewing earlier in the day
kept running through Emily’s mind like a track with no end.

Even though
she’d been at the hospital when Grace had been taken off life support, it still
hit her like a sucker punch when she saw Grace laid out in her favorite outfit,
a light application of makeup, and looking all the world as if she were just
taking a nap. It had taken all the air out of her lungs.

She dropped
into the chair in front of the coffin, closing her eyes and praying this was a
nightmare she would wake from. Eyes still closed, she pinched the inside of her
arm. She blew out a long breath. It hurt, not just the pinch, but Grace’s
death.

“You holding
up okay?”

She stilled.
She felt his hand on her shoulder, felt the heat through her shirt, and wanted
more than anything to melt into it.

Realizing
where her thoughts and heart were headed, she stiffened.

“Fine,
thanks,” she said stiffly, pulling slightly away from his hand.

He took the
seat next to her, staring at Grace. She could only assume he was consumed with
much of the same thoughts as she had been. As much as Jason had hurt her, she
couldn’t ignore the pain he was feeling right now. He loved Grace very much and
had relied on her as his mother for a long time. His weekly breakfast/coffee
time with her over the past two years had most likely only strengthened their
bond and Emily knew he had to be suffering right now.

“She loved
you, you know,” Emily said quietly, placing a gentle hand on his arm.

“I’m
gonna
miss her so much,” he choked out.

“Yeah, me,
too.” Emily sighed and sat back in her chair.

“She’s been
there for me for so long. I have no idea what I’ll do without her.”

“We just
have to keep moving on, living our life and keeping her in our hearts. She was
so proud of all of us, and she loved us all very much. We have to keep that in
our hearts, too, and take it out when we need it most.”

“She’s
helped keep me sane since you left,” he said quietly. He turned imploring eyes
on Emily. “I probably would have been camped out on your doorstep, if not for
her.”

Emily
flinched at the pain and conviction she saw in his eyes. This wasn’t what she
wanted to know or hear. She just wanted peace. It was all she’d wanted since
that morning and what she’d been longing for for what seemed like forever.

“I haven’t
changed my mind, Jason. Grace’s death doesn’t change things for me. Sadie and I
are still going back to Boston.”

Jason
nodded. He stood and walked over to Grace. Leaning down, he placed a gentle
kiss on her forehead. He closed his eyes, bowed his head, and was quiet and
still for a few moments. Then he pressed one last kiss to her forehead and
slowly walked to the back of the room.

Seeing
evidence of Jason’s grief brought a tear to Emily’s eyes, and unable to help
herself, she turned in her seat to watch him. He stopped in front of Hope and
gave her a hug. They spoke for a minute before, with one last hug, he moved on
to Tyler. He shook Tyler’s hand and offered what looked like cordial
condolences before moving to Clint.

Clint shook
off Jason’s offered hand and instead wrapped him in a bear hug. They spoke for
a few minutes, and then Jason walked out of the room. Not once did he look back
to the front of the room . . . and the room seemed empty with his departure.
She didn’t want to dwell on that fact, nor how her heart had filled at the
sight of him when he’d sat down next to her. She certainly didn’t want to dwell
on how much her heart hurt for him and how she’d had to force the words out to
discourage him from ideas that she’d be staying in
Mosquero
.

No, she didn’t
want to dwell on Jason because it only caused her pain. She wanted to forget.
She wanted to go home to Boston and go back to pretending she was fine and
dandy.

She talked a
good game, but she knew, deep down, leaving
Mosquero
would be hard.

“Looks like
it’s time,” Clint said, standing and moving behind the cow.

Emily,
startled from her thoughts, jumped to her feet. “What should I do?”

“Just keep
soothing her,” he said.

She nodded
and sat down in the hay, petting the cow’s face and humming a soft lullaby.
Twenty minutes later, they had a brand new female calf and a tired mama cow. “She’s
beautiful,” Emily said, speaking softly to the cow. “Great job, Mama!”

“Glad to
have that over with before daybreak,” Clint said wearily. “I’m
gonna
go get cleaned up and hit the hay.”

“Me, too,”
Emily said. “I’ll walk with you. Will they be okay?” she said, pointing at the
new little family.

“Yeah. I’ll
leave them here in the stall for the rest of the night. Let them rest and bond.”

Emily closed
the gate behind her and wrapped an arm around Clint’s back. “Good work, Dad.”

“Thanks to
you, it was easy. You’ve always had a way with them. Keeping the mom calm makes
for a quicker and easier birth.”

They reached
the kitchen door and slid quietly into the house. Emily turned and kissed her
father on the cheek. “Night, Dad.”

“Night. Get
some rest.”

“You, too.”
Emily went into the living room and laid down on the couch. She didn’t want to
risk waking Sadie, and she knew she’d never fall asleep in that tiny bed
anyway.

Helping her
father with the birth had been fun and had taken her right back to her
childhood. She loved living in the city but, oh, how she’d missed being here
and part of the cycle of life on the ranch.

You can take
the girl out of the country . . . Yeah, leaving here was going to be hard.

Sighing, she
closed her eyes and willed sleep to come quickly.

Emily awoke
with a start and bolted upright, thinking she had overslept. She looked at the
clock, and seeing it was only six thirty, she laid back down, willing her
racing heart to settle down. She realized two things immediately: the first was
the scent of fresh-brewed coffee wafting into the living room, and the second
was the smell of bacon that was not far behind the coffee.

She couldn’t
imagine who would be awake at this hour. She didn’t think it was her father as
they’d only gone to bed a few hours ago. There was no way it was Hope, the
notorious beauty sleeper. She would have heard the front door open if Tyler had
shown up, but he was no chef. The man could barely work the microwave.

Curiosity
getting the better of her, she got up from the couch and went upstairs to use
the bathroom and to freshen up before making her way into the kitchen and whoever
was working magic in there.

As she
passed by her father’s room, she could hear muffled sounds coming through the
door. She paused outside, and when the sounds didn’t cease after a few seconds,
she carefully opened the door a crack to peer inside. It was a sight that
almost brought her to her knees. He was lying on his stomach, face buried in a
pillow, sobbing. She wanted to go to him, to offer comfort, but she knew he
would never accept it. Nor would he appreciate having his privacy invaded. She
quietly shut his door and continued down the hall toward the bathroom.

She knew she’d
never forget the sight of her father on the bed. He was the strong, silent type,
and she’d never seen him shed a single tear. Seeing it didn’t diminish the
strength her father projected, if anything, it only reinforced it. Everyone
needed to experience the healing power of crying, and if Emily were a betting
woman, she’d bet that this was the first time her father had addressed his
grief since Grace’s death.

When she was
finished in the bathroom, she went into her room and noticed right away that
Sadie wasn’t in her bed. Where could she be? She wondered if Sadie had awoken
in the night, worried that she hadn’t been able to find Emily. What if Sadie
had needed her while she’d been in the barn with her father? She threw on a
pair of sweats and a T-shirt.

Dressed and
barely presentable, she rushed from the bedroom and quickly searched the
upstairs. Emily didn’t find Sadie in the guest room where Hope was sleeping or
in Tyler’s childhood room. She hurried down the stairs, and reaching the foyer,
she began a search of the rooms. She didn’t see Sadie anywhere. When she got to
the kitchen doorway, the sight that greeted her had her stopping in her tracks.
Jason and Sadie were making breakfast, and Sadie was standing on a chair in
front of the stove, watching Jason stir eggs in a pan. Emily stood where she
was, taking in the sight, marveling at how the two of them meshed so well,
despite how little time they got with each other.

“Should we add
more cheese to the eggs?”

“More
cheese!”

“More cheese
it is then.” He sprinkled the cheese into the egg mixture and ruffled Sadie’s
hair when he was done.

Emily smiled
to herself as she watched them. What a pair they made.

“Daddy! Love
Daddy!”

“And I love
Sadie!” he said, hauling her up into his arms, squeezing her tight.

“Good
morning,” Emily said brightly, entering the kitchen and heading for the coffee
pot.

“Mama!”
Sadie exclaimed, jumping down from her father’s arms and running to hug her
mother.

Emily
scooped her up and twirled her around the kitchen. “Working hard on the eggs,
huh? Everything smells so good!”

“Make
breakfast. Yum!” Sadie said, pointing at the stove.

Emily took
her mug of coffee and sat at the table. “How long have you been here?”

“I got here
at six,” Jason said with a smile. “She was in here playing with the puppies.”

“Six!” Emily
exclaimed. “Well, at least she slept in a bit.”

“Six is
sleeping in?”

Emily
laughed. “It is when you consider she’s usually up at seven every day, our time.”

“I see your
point.”

While Jason
helped Sadie finish up breakfast, Emily got plates and silverware and set the
table. Then she put bread in the toaster. While it was cooking, she retrieved
the butter and Grace’s homemade marmalade out of the fridge. Jason brought the
eggs and bacon over to the table and they all sat down.

“This looks
and smells delicious,” Emily said. “Thank you for making breakfast.”

Jason nodded,
and they ate in silence for a few moments.

“I’m sure
you’ll be busy with all the funeral stuff. Are you planning to bring Sadie with
you?”

“I was,
yeah. I don’t really have anyone to watch her.”

“My dad said
he’d be happy to take her until we all get back. He hasn’t had a lot of time
with her and he’d like some.”

“He’s not
coming?”

Jason shook
his head. “Not because he doesn’t want to. We’ve got one pregnant cow and one
sick one. He wants to stay close.”

Emily nodded.
“We just had a birthing early this morning.” She took a sip of her coffee. “If
he’s willing and he doesn’t think she’ll be in the way, that would be a huge
load off,” she agreed.

“Great!” He
turned to Sadie. “Want to hang with Papa Joe and play with the cows today?”

She bounced
in her seat. “Yes! Yes!”

Grinning at
Sadie’s enthusiasm, she pushed her plate away. Out of nowhere, her grief
reached out and pricked her heart. “I think I’m
gonna
go up and get a shower before Hope gets up and hogs it,” Emily said, standing
and taking her plate to the sink. “Thanks again for breakfast.”

Jason stood
and walked his plate to the sink. He brushed his hand down Emily’s arm. “I’ll
take Sadie home with me now. Let me know if you need anything.”

Sighing,
Emily took a step away and watched Jason’s hand fall to the side. Why did he
insist on touching her all the time? It wasn’t helping his cause and only made
her uncomfortable because she wanted the past and the pain to disappear. His
touch made her yearn for things she couldn’t have. “I will.” She turned and
went to stand behind Sadie. Leaning down, she kissed the top of Sadie’s head. “Be
good for Papa Joe. I love you!”

“Love too!”

She left the
kitchen and slowly climbed the stairs. She was glad Jason was around to help
with Sadie, that more than anything was a burden lifted and one she truly
appreciated. But it gave her a glimpse of what a true family life would be like
and it hurt her heart. That glimpse was what their life should have been.

Jason ruined
that and she needed to keep that in the forefront of her mind . . . and her
heart.