Emily's Daughter (10 page)

She inhaled deeply. “The stress took its toll on my body and my baby came early. Things happened so fast, it’s hard to recall that part. All I remember is a cold, sterile hospital room and the pain—excruciating pain that racked my body. And the tears…tears because I was all alone. Then I heard her crying and for a few minutes everything seemed fine, until they whisked her away to her waiting…parents. I screamed and begged, but nothing helped. The nurse said I’d done the right thing and these emotions would pass, but they haven’t. I hear her in my dreams. I see her in my dreams and I ache to hold her, but I never will. I don’t deserve to.”

“Emily, Emily,” Jackson whispered, and unable to resist, he wrapped his arms around her.

She melted into his embrace, needing his comfort more than she’d ever imagined.

“That’s not true,” he whispered into her hair.

She pulled back and dried her eyes with the back of one hand. “Yes, it is,” she whimpered. “I gave our child away. You have cause to hate me and every—”

Jackson cupped her face in his hands and looked into her watery eyes. “I don’t hate you. When you first told me, I was hurt, but now I understand that I have to accept part of the blame. It takes two to create a baby and it takes two to handle the responsibility, and I didn’t. I want you to know I deeply regret that.” When she didn’t respond, he said again, “I don’t hate you. Please believe me.”

She blinked back tears. “I know that adoption is right
for some girls, but it wasn’t for me. I should’ve tried harder to keep her. I… How do I stop hating myself?”

He wiped her tears away with his thumbs. “I’m not sure, but I have an idea.”

His gentle touch sent a warm current through her body, chasing away the cold. “What?” she managed.

Jackson took an audible breath. “We find our daughter.”

She drew away, a frown on her face, as if she didn’t understand the words.

“Listen to me,” he said. “We have a daughter. Don’t you want to see her to reassure yourself that she’s okay and with a loving family?”

“Yes,” she murmured. She used to dream about finding her, and now Jackson was voicing something she dared not let herself believe—that she could actually see her child.

“Then let’s do it.”

She put a hand to her head, which was beginning to throb. For years she’d fantasized about this and she still had the same doubts. “I don’t think I can.”

“What do you mean?”

She clasped her hands and tried to explain. “If I see her, I don’t think I can walk away. I can’t let her go again. It would kill me.”

With his finger, Jackson lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. “She’ll be eighteen in August and probably getting ready for college. Any way you look at it, we won’t be a big part of her life—that’s the sad fact. She’s already grown, but we’ll know where she is and that she’s well and happy.”

“We’d be disrupting her life, causing her a lot of pain. I can’t do that to her. I can’t hurt her again.”

“Emily, Emily.” Jackson rested his forehead against
hers and tried to understand what she was feeling. “Ever since I’ve cooled down, it’s all I can think about, and I believe you want the same thing. So what’s holding you back? I can’t do this without you.”

She felt his breath on her cheek and heat rose up in her so strongly that it shocked her. It had been years, but her body remembered everything about him—his scent, his touch, his sensitive hands. She didn’t know why she was feeling such things when her mind was in chaos, but Jackson had always had that effect on her. Somehow, he could make her feel good about herself. She didn’t think that was possible…now.

From somewhere deep in her heart, she found the words she needed to say. “I’m scared. I’m so scared she’ll hate me like I hate myself.”

“That’s a chance you and I both have to take.”

She shook her head, still not convinced. “I don’t know.” A sliver of hope shot through the doubts and fears, and she had to ask, “Where do you think we should start?”

“At the beginning—with the agency that handled the adoption. And we’ll talk to your parents.”

Emily closed her eyes tight in pain. “They’ll hate this, especially my mom.”

“Do you care?”

“No,” she answered in a flash, and opened her eyes. She had just told her mother that she was old enough to make her own decisions and handle the consequences. And she meant every word. This choice was hers—hers and Jackson’s. Did she have the courage to do it?

The answer to that question was a resounding
yes.
Her heart began to race at the mere thought of seeing her daughter. For a moment it was so overwhelming that she
had trouble breathing, but despite her euphoria, she had to establish one stipulation.

“Promise me something,” she said in a firm voice.

“Anything.”

“If we’re lucky enough to find her, promise me that if she’s happy and with a loving family, we won’t disrupt her life. We’ll walk away.”

“I’m not sure I can do that,” he admitted honestly. “A moment ago you said you couldn’t, either.”

“That was the weak me. I was thinking about myself. The strong me is thinking about her and I can’t survive hurting her. Just seeing her face and knowing she’s okay will be enough for me.”

“Are you sure?”

“No,” she said with a catch in her voice. “I’m not sure about any of this. All I know is that I have to see her.”

Her pain twisted his insides into knots and he realized he’d do anything she wanted. “I promise,” he said softly. “And I won’t break this promise, but you have to help me be strong…like you.”

She smiled slightly. He thought she was strong when in reality she was a mass of quivering nerves.

His gaze was riveted on the smile that lit up her beautiful face. Other emotions, basic and primal, stirred inside him. Her dark eyes were warm and glistening with so many feelings that screamed for sustenance…sustenance that had been deprived for way too long.

Without a second thought, Jackson touched his lips to hers. Her sweetness and softness was just as he remembered—and more. She affected his senses like no woman ever had.

His caressing touch and clean, male scent evoked memories of passionate nights. Happier times. Times she would never forget. Times she wanted to— Her thoughts stopped
as she allowed herself to renew that bond. Her tongue met his and a hot ache curled through her. When his mouth opened over hers, she met his passion with a fervor of her own. They needed this, the intimacy, the closeness, to ease the hurt and anguish. For that moment they lost themselves in feeling.

The ringing of the phone shattered the mood and Jackson slowly drew away. They stared at each other a long second before he stood and answered the persistent phone. She heard him say, “Hi, Colton,” and everything after that went over her head as she caught sight of herself in the mirror on the wall. Her hair was mussed, her lipstick smeared and her blouse askew. The sight was like a bolt of electricity to her brain. What was she doing? She was letting her emotions control her like she had years ago. She couldn’t do that again. She had to be in control; that was important to her. She had to look toward the future, and all she could see there was an unidentifiable face. Until she saw that face, she couldn’t let herself be swayed by inner yearnings that had nothing to do with the future.

She was an adult now and she had to admit the truth. She was attracted to Jackson, just as before, and he seemed to feel the same way, but now it was fueled by a love they shared for their child.
That’s all it is,
she told herself.
That’s all it is.

Jackson hung up the phone and saw her worried expression. His heart seemed to tighten. She was regretting the kiss—that was all too clear. He’d kissed her outside the restaurant, but it wasn’t like this. They had put their hearts into it and it felt so right. At least to him. To her, it was obviously something else.

He inhaled deeply. “That was my business partner.” When she didn’t answer, he added, “I’m sorry.” It occurred to him that he was saying this a lot. With reason.

She tucked her hair behind her ear in a nervous gesture. “What for?” she asked, but she didn’t have to. She knew he was feeling the same things she was—a sense of being overwhelmed by events and grasping at emotions that weren’t real.

Then why did it
feel
so real?
She ignored that voice inside her.

Taking a long breath, she tried to speak, but Jackson placed a finger over her lips. “Shh,” he whispered. “I didn’t want to rush you, but here I am doing exactly that. My only excuse is the effect you have on me…. But we can’t think about ourselves right now. We have to think about our daughter.”

“Yes,” she agreed wholeheartedly, but she needed his closeness to get through the days ahead. She wondered if he had any idea how much she needed him and how much she feared that need.

E
MILY AND
J
ACKSON TALKED
until after midnight and Emily found it hard to leave him. She enjoyed talking about their daughter, telling him the few little things she could. Their child had been a symbol of the love they’d once shared and she had carelessly let it go. That was the reason she’d been so tortured all these years. But she felt Jackson understood now and that liberated her in so many ways. She could face the future with him by her side. She didn’t want to analyze her emotions any further than that because she was so exhilarated, she didn’t trust her own perceptions.

She’d come home with such a heavy heart, but now she felt free and light, and it was all because of Jackson.

After Emily left, Jackson couldn’t even think about sleeping. He felt terribly alone without her, so he walked across the highway to the beach. He sat on one of the park benches and watched the moonlight as it played tricks with the water. Condos in the distance beckoned with bright lights, but all he could see was Emily’s face. They had a daughter and now they’d find her…together. Emily had forgiven him, which lifted a weight from his shoulders. He could face anything as long as he had her. That thought rocked him. In a matter of a few days, she had become the center of his world. Everything else had shifted in importance and his whole perspective had changed.

He could see that she was both frightened and elated at
what was happening between them, and he intended to take it slow and give her all the time she needed. The days ahead wouldn’t be easy. Finding their daughter would be an enormous task, but he was determined that they’d succeed.

Emily had to talk to her parents; that was the first hurdle. Jackson wanted to be with her, but Emily insisted it would be better if she talked to them by herself. She was right, but he didn’t want her to endure that unpleasantness alone. There’d be a big scene, he was sure. Rose Cooper would be against the idea, but he trusted Emily to persuade her.

He leaned against the bench, resting his arms along the back, and let the soothing sounds take him away. The water lapped against the shore, and the smell of saltwater brought him memories of Emily. The few times they’d made love, the same sounds, the same scent had surrounded them. Their daughter had been conceived in the easy-flowing rhythm of the night. Suddenly he buried his face in his hands and prayed for the strength to help Emily—prayed they could find their daughter so they’d remember that time with love and happiness.

A
LTHOUGH IT WAS LATE
when Emily reached her parents’ home, lights were still on. Her heart sank. She hadn’t wanted to talk to them until morning, but it was just as well, she told herself as she entered the living room. They had to know what she was planning to do and she needed their help.

The TV was on and her father was asleep in his chair, but her mother was wide awake, her eyes on the door, and they seared right through Emily.

Emily laid her purse on the coffee table and perched on the edge of the sofa. Her father stirred and sat up.

“What took so long?” Rose asked in a tight voice.

“We had a lot to talk about,” Emily replied, trying to remain composed and not lose her temper at her mother’s obstinate nature.

“Like what?” Rose shrilled. “Like how he deserted you when you were pregnant?”

Emily bit her lip to keep words from tumbling out.

“Calm down, Rose,” Owen said. “You’ll make yourself sick.”

Rose took several gulps of oxygen from the mask. “Are you planning on seeing him again?” she finally asked.

Emily met her mother’s eyes squarely. “Yes.”

Rose clenched her hands. “No, you can’t! He’ll only hurt you.”

Emily got up and went over to her mother, kneeling by her chair. “As I told you earlier, I’m old enough to make my own decisions.”

“But Emily Ann—”

“Don’t try to talk me out of it,” Emily said. “My mind is made up and nothing you say will make any difference.” She took a shaky breath. “Jackson and I have decided to find our daughter.”

The color drained from Rose’s face. “What?” she choked.

“We’re going to find our daughter,” Emily repeated.

Rose had to take several draws on the mask. “What good will it do? It’ll just cause you and the child more pain. Is that what you want?”

“What I want is to see my daughter. I have to see her face. Please try and understand.”

“That’s selfish,” Rose said harshly. “You’ll destroy the life she has, because of your selfish needs.”

Emily shook her head in despair and slowly got to her feet. “I need your help.” She wouldn’t give up. She had a mission and her mother wasn’t dissuading her with guilt
or threats. “Tell me the name of the agency that took my baby.”

Rose glared at her. “I refuse to get involved in this. That man has filled your head with nonsense and you can’t even see it.”

Emily sighed deeply and turned to her father. “Tell me, Dad.” Owen looked away and she knew he wouldn’t go against her mother’s wishes.

“Fine.” She wheeled toward the hall. “I remember names and I can put it together.”

“Emily Ann,” her mother called.

She came to a sudden halt.

“You’ll regret this.”

Emily didn’t answer, just headed to Becca’s room. As she opened the door, she saw Becca dive into bed. She’d been listening at the door.

Becca lay curled up with her back to her, as if she was asleep.

“I know you’re awake,” Emily said as she fell onto the bed fully clothed. She was mentally and physically exhausted.

Becca sat up. “Aren’t you gonna put your nightgown on?”

“In a minute.”

“Are you really gonna search for your daughter?”

“Yes.”

“Wow, then this Jackson guy isn’t so bad?”

“No, he’s actually quite wonderful.”

A slight pause, then Becca asked, “Are you sure, Em? I mean, he hurt you once.”

Emily turned to look at her sister in the darkness. The moonlight shone on her face, her long, gleaming hair. “I’m very sure Jackson won’t hurt me again.”

“Jeez, your voice sounds all mushy like you’re still…”

The unfinished sentence hung between them, and Emily didn’t feel the need to acknowledge it. What she and Jackson were feeling was personal and private, and she’d only talk about it with him.

She didn’t have to worry; Becca was quickly on to something else. “Mom’s about to have a heart attack.”

“Mom will be fine,” Emily assured her. “Once she realizes she can’t browbeat me again.”

“What happened to all the harmony we’re supposed to be having?” Becca asked in a teasing tone.

“It was blown to hell in a short second.”

Becca laughed.

Emily touched her soft cheek. Becca was so intense, so excitable. She wondered if her daughter was like that. Would she have that same enchantment, that same… Her throat closed up and she thought her heart would burst with the gravity of not knowing.

But she would.

Soon.

“W
HAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
?” Rose asked Owen after Emily had left the room.

“Nothing, we’re doing nothing” was Owen’s response.

“How can you say that?”

“Because it’s out of our hands now.”

“It is not! If you’ll talk to her, she’ll—”

“No,” he interrupted tersely. “I’m not talking to Emily. I did that years ago, and I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again. I supported you when you said she had to give the child away, even though I felt it was wrong. I was the one who took her to San Antonio to live with that awful aunt of yours, and I was the one who was there the day she had the baby. I saw all the pain she was suffering. I didn’t do anything then, and I’m not doing anything now.”

“Don’t you understand what’s going to happen?”

“Yes, Emily will find her daughter, and I think it’s long overdue.”

T
HE NEXT MORNING
Emily was up early. She showered and dressed, then packed her suitcase. She spared Becca a glance as she tiptoed out of the room. They had said their good-byes the night before, and Emily had given her the name of the hotel where they’d be staying. Still, she experienced a sense of guilt at leaving her alone with their mother. But Becca gave as good as she got, and at times she instigated most of the “getting.” Becca could take care of herself; Emily was well aware of that. At times, she felt as if she should protect her, but in truth Becca didn’t need her protection. Emily now had to think about herself and her child. The thought was intoxicating and she sensed she was on the threshold of something significant, something she had no control over. All she had to do was to take the next step, the step that would carry her into the realm of the future.

She found her parents in the kitchen and she told them she was leaving. They didn’t say a word, for which she was grateful. She couldn’t stand another scene. Walking out of the room, she felt that at last she was leaving her childhood behind.

She drove straight to the hotel and knocked on Jackson’s door. He opened it immediately. “Hi,” he said, smiling, and her heart turned over. He was so handsome in his dark slacks and light blue shirt, his hair still damp from his shower. She ached for all the years they’d been apart. She didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but today they were bonded together in a single goal: to find their child.

“Come in,” he said, walking back into the room and
putting toiletries in his suitcase. “I just got off the phone. Hope you’re all packed.”

“Yes,” she replied, but he caught the hesitation in her voice.

He turned to her. “Emily, what is it?”

She was amazed that he could glimpse the pain inside her. She was trying so hard not to reveal it, not to think about it. “It’s nothing, really. I just had a bad argument with my parents last night.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does because it upsets you.”

“I’ll get over it and now I have something to look forward to.”

“That’s right, and we don’t need your parents’ approval to do this. All we need is the name of the agency they used.” He snapped his suitcase shut.

“They didn’t give it to me,” she admitted quietly.

He swung around. “What?”

“They said it would only cause me and my daughter more pain, and they wouldn’t do it.”

Jackson ran a hand through his hair. “Damn, I didn’t expect this, but we’ll manage. You know the name of the hospital in San Antonio, and we’ll take it from there.”

“Yes, and that summer I heard my aunt talking to them about a Miller or a Seals agency. It has to be one of those.”

“We’ll find them,” he said, and grabbed his suitcase. “We’d better get moving.” They’d made the plans last night. There was no direct flight from Corpus Christi to San Antonio, so they decided to drive. Jackson had a rental car and they would return it in Corpus Christi, then use Emily’s car for the trip. As they reached the door, he called, “Wait.”

She looked at him.

“We can’t go.”

She frowned. “Why?”

“We can’t go until you smile. I’m not going anywhere while you’ve got that somber expression on your face.”

Her lips twitched, and he touched them briefly with his. “That’s better. Much better.”

It was, and all her anger at her parents disappeared for the moment. She felt relaxed and ready to confront whatever lay ahead—with Jackson beside her.

The time passed quickly, and before she knew it, they were halfway to San Antonio. She was content to let Jackson drive, enjoying the rare experience of being a passenger. They talked about any and everything. She particularly loved hearing about his dad and aunt Maude. She remembered George Talbert as having a great sense of humor, and Jackson’s aunt sounded like one of a kind. They were a close-knit family, and Emily envied that. Her mother controlled their family, which meant closeness was something they avoided. Closeness and honesty…

When they arrived in San Antonio, Jackson drove directly to their hotel on the River Walk. There was a convention in town and rooms were scarce, but Jackson had booked one over the phone the night before. The hotel was upscale and very luxurious—but as soon as Emily entered the room she saw there was only one bedroom with a king-size bed. They were supposed to have a two-room suite.

Jackson noticed it immediately. “Damn,” he said. “I’ll see what the hell happened.”

He picked up the phone and talked to the desk clerk. Hanging up, he turned to her. “This is all they have. There was a mistake with the booking. What do you want to do?”

She shrugged and sat beside him on the bed. “It doesn’t
matter. I think we’re adult enough to handle this.” All she could think about was being wrapped in Jackson’s arms and feeling those raw, pagan emotions he engendered in her. She couldn’t believe she was feeling this way, especially after she’d convinced herself last night that their emotions were fueled by the past.

“I’ll sleep on the sofa,” Jackson offered, although that was the last thing he wanted. He wanted to be with her, wanted it desperately, but it had to be her choice.

Emily stared at the small sofa, then turned to him, a light in her eyes he hadn’t seen in a long time. “You and I have never slept together in a bed.”

The words came from a place deep in her heart, a place she’d kept hidden and closed for so many years. She was tired of denying what she felt. She wanted to be with Jackson, and she didn’t need an excuse for that. She was a woman now and she was able to embrace everything that meant—even the consequences.

He watched her closely. “You mean…”

She got to her feet. “Why don’t we get something to eat and we’ll discuss it later?”

“Okay,” he agreed, and cursed himself for not being more persistent in finding rooms. He didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable or awkward. Whatever happened, he wanted it to happen naturally.

Emily had found the phone book and was thumbing through it. “There isn’t a Miller or a Seals agency. Now what?”

“In the morning, we’ll start at the hospital.”

“I guess that’s the only thing to do. We don’t need to check birth records because I know that adoptive parents always file an amended certificate and all original records of the birth are deleted. Except I think the original certif
icate is sealed in Austin. If all else fails, we might be able to get a court order to see it.”