Empress Orchid (10 page)

An-te-hai told me that I had a choice of being bathed by either the eunuchs or the maids. Of course the maids, I said. It would be awkward to expose my body to eunuchs. By appearance they looked no different from ordinary men. I couldn’t imagine them touching my body. It would take me a while to get used to An-te-hai sleeping at the foot of my bed.

I wondered if An-te-hai had a man’s needs. He seemed to be indifferent during my changing. Was he pretending? If so, he must have great discipline. What I was beginning to like about him was that he managed to rise above his personal tragedy. Perhaps I spoiled my eunuchs, a weakness many considered evil. I couldn’t help but feel for their suffering. The truth was that I myself desired the same compassion.

Women in China dreamed about becoming me without knowing my suffering. By identifying with the eunuchs, I tended my heart’s wound. The eunuchs’ pain was written on their faces. They had been gelded and everyone understood their misfortune. But mine was hidden.

It felt funny to be held by so many hands. These people begged me not to lift a finger. If I were to help myself in any way, it would be considered an insult.

The water was warm and soothing. As I lay against the rim of the tub, the maids got down on their knees. Three of them threw their hands on me at the same time. They rubbed and scrubbed. I was supposed to enjoy this, but my mind kept seeing a hen being dipped in hot water and then her feathers being pulled off.

The maids’ hands moved up and down my body. Although they were gentle, my body suffered intrusion. I tried to remember what An-te-hai had told me, that I lived to please Emperor Hsien Feng, not myself. I wished that the Emperor could see this. I wondered when he would appear.

My body fermented like a steamed bun. The maids were sweating. They had been massaging my shoulders, fingers and toes. Their robes were wet, their hair messy. Just watching them tired me, and I couldn’t wait for this to end. An-te-hai had warned me that I was not to thank my maids. He emphasized that I was not to express my feelings. I must not remind people that I was as ordinary as they were.

After they patted me dry and dressed me in a red nightgown, the maids retreated. The eunuchs then wrapped me in warm blankets and ushered me back to my bedroom.

• • •

My palace was divided into three areas. The first was the living quarters, which included three large rooms with windows facing south. The rooms were connected in a rectangular shape. The middle room was a receiving hall, with a small-scale throne for my husband to sit on when he came. Behind the throne, against the wall stood an altar. Above the altar was a large Chinese landscape painting. The left chamber was called the western chamber. This was where I slept. There was a table with two chairs on the side by the window. Two green bamboo plants stood next to the chairs. On the right was the eastern chamber. This was my dressing room. It had a bed in it. I would sleep there if His Majesty decided to stay overnight. The rule stated that in order for him to have a proper sleep, he must not share a bed with any of his wives through the night. The bed in the eastern chamber was always prepared, cooled or warmed according to the season. Behind these chambers were my dining room, bathroom, sitting room and storage rooms.

The second part of my palace was the garden, which would become my favorite spot. It had natural meadows and creeks and also a tiny pond called the Heavenly Lake. I purposely let the water reeds grow wild in it because I liked to be reminded of Wuhu. I had always adored plants and was a passionate gardener. I filled my garden with nature’s splendor. Besides large flower-bearing trees like red silk-cotton and magnolia, I had bowl-sized peonies in every color imaginable. I also had deep red roses with purple hearts, hoof-shaped white lilies, firecolored mountain tea flowers and yellow winter plum flowers, which I called “leg-pullers.” Plum flowers had waxy petals and bloomed only on snowy days, as if they loved the cold. Their strong scent wafted into my bedroom in the morning when An-te-hai opened the window. They “pulled my legs” to the garden, and I couldn’t help but admire their beauty while still in my pajamas. To prevent me from catching a cold on freezing days, An-te-hai would cut a branch of winter plum before I rose, or put a single flower in a vase by my breakfast table.

My taste in flowers was broad. I loved the elegant ones as well as those that I called “the small people.” I loved butterfly-shaped morning glories, tiger-faced purple ground cover. My expertise was in peonies and chrysanthemums. Although royal society considered chrysanthemums fit only for peasants, I grew them enthusiastically. I had every kind of chrysanthemum. “Golden Claws” was the one I prized the most. Its blossoms opened like dancers’ hands, holding the morning sunlight in their palms. No one had ever seen this variety anywhere else but in my garden. The plants shot up to my shoulders in late autumn, and I never tired of looking at them.

I visited my garden when I was unable to sleep at night. I came to listen to the sounds of my childhood. I could hear the fish talking in the water. I wandered around the bushes with my hands brushing the leaves and flowers. I loved to feel the dew on my fingertips.

Many years later a story was told about a eunuch who once witnessed a fairy in my garden at midnight. The “fairy” was probably me. There was a period during which I felt I was unable to go on living. It might have been one of those nights when I had been planning to end my life.

The third part of my palace was the compound on either side of the main chambers. This part was for my eunuchs, ladies in waiting and maids. Their windows faced the courtyard, which meant that if I walked toward the gate, they would notice immediately, and also see anyone who attempted to enter. The eunuchs patrolled my palace in shifts, so there was always someone awake.

An-te-hai was sound asleep on the floor. Chief Eunuch Shim had lied to me when he said that he gave me people who didn’t snore. An-te-hai snored like a burbling teapot. However things would change later on, after years of isolation, agony and fear, An-te-hai’s snoring became the song of Heaven to me. Without hearing it, I would be unable to sleep.

As I lay awake, my thoughts went to Emperor Hsien Feng. I wondered if he and Nuharoo were enjoying each other. I wondered when he would summon me. I felt a bit cold, and I remembered that An-te-hai had told me that he had trouble warming my bed. The heater under my
kang
was not working properly. He believed it was Shim’s doing, that the chief eunuch was sending me a message: either I would live a comfortable life by tipping him on a regular basis, or I would be cold in winter and hot in summer. Easy or difficult, Shim was telling me: it was my choice.

“As long as you are one of the three thousand concubines, you can’t escape him,” An-te-hai had said.

I didn’t have any trouble sleeping in a bed that was not warmed to the Imperial standard. However, it was important to work toward the goal of becoming Emperor Hsien Feng’s favorite. It was the only way to gain respect. I had no time to lose. I was turning eighteen. In the Imperial garden of beauty, eighteen was considered a flower on its way to withering.

I tried not to think about what I truly desired from life. I got up and copied a verse from a poetry book.

THE FIRST MONTH passed quickly. Every morning when the sun’s rays touched my curtain I rose to find my cat, Snow, beside me. I had become attached to this soft creature. I knew what my day would be like. It would be another day of waiting and hoping that His Majesty would visit.

An-te-hai said that I should find things to do in order to occupy myself. Embroidery, fishing and playing chess were his suggestions.

I picked up chess, but lost interest after a couple of games. The eunuchs let me win every time. I felt that my intelligence was insulted, but they were too afraid to play as equals with me.

I became fascinated by the Imperial clocks, which were part of the furniture and wall displays throughout the Forbidden City. My favorite one was the woodpecker. It lived inside a ceramic tree trunk and came out only to peck the hour. I loved its chiming sounds. An-te-hai liked its pecking motion because it reminded him of a bowing head. When he could, he tried to be there to receive the “bows.”

My other favorite clock was strange in shape. It looked like a family of wheels embracing together. It sat in a clear glass box, which allowed me to look at its inner workings. Like a harmonious family, every wheel performed its duty and delivered its energy so that the hour could sing.

I studied the clocks and wondered about their places of origin. Most were from faraway lands. They were gifts from foreign kings and princes to the Chinese emperors of previous dynasties. The designs showed the makers’ love for life, which made me wonder whether all
the stories I had been told about the savage barbarians were true.

My enthusiasm for the timepieces was quickly spent. I began to have trouble looking at their needle-like hands. The way they crawled so slowly made me want to push them forward. I told An-te-hai to cover their faces with cloth. “No more bows,” I heard him say to the woodpecker.

To day I was bored even before I got out of bed.

“Did my lady have a good night’s sleep?” An-te-hai’s voice came from the courtyard.

I sat on the bed and didn’t bother to answer.

“Good morning!” The eunuch stepped in with a sweet smile. “Your slaves are ready to attend your wash, my lady.”

My morning wash was an event. Before I got out of bed, the eunuchs and maids made a parade of dresses. I had to pick one among three dozen. So many fine dresses, although half of them were not to my taste.

Then I had to pick out shoes and hats and jewelry. After I got out of bed I went to a room to use the chamber pot. I was followed by six maids. It was no use that I demanded to be left alone. These people were trained by Chief Eunuch Shim to be deaf and mute in situations like this.

It was a large room without furniture. A finely carved and painted yellow pot was placed in the center. It looked like a big pumpkin. Small lanterns stood in the corners of the room. The walls were draped with curtains, which were embroidered with blue and white flowers.

I was in a hurry but couldn’t let myself go. There was no window to let out the odor. The maids stood around me, staring. I told them again and again to leave me alone, but they refused. They begged me to let them serve. One of them held a wet towel to wipe me afterward, another carried a dish of soap, the third one a handful of silk paper on a tray, the fourth one a silver basin. The last two each carried a bucket filled with water, one hot and the other cold.

“Leave your stuff on the floor,” I said. “You are dismissed.”

Everyone murmured “Yes, my lady,” but no one moved.

I raised my voice. “I am going to stink.”

“No, you don’t stink,” they replied in unison.

“Do me a favor!” I shouted. “Out!”

“We don’t mind. We love your stink.”

“An-te-hai!”

An-te-hai rushed in. “Yes, my lady.”

“Call Chief Eunuch Shim immediately and tell him that my servants are not obeying me.”

“It won’t work, my lady.” An-te-hai put his hands together to form a tube as he whispered into my ear. “I am afraid Chief Eunuch Shim wouldn’t do anything about this.”

“Why?”

“It is the rule that the Emperor’s wives be served this way.”

“Whoever invented the rule must be an idiot.”

“Oh, no, my lady, don’t ever say that!” An-te-hai was shocked. “It was Her Majesty the Grand Empress who invented the rules!”

I pictured the Grand Empress sitting on her chamber pot, attended by a roomful of maids. “She must think that her shit is diamonds and her farts perfume. Does Her Majesty have rules about the size, shape, length, color and odor of stools?”

“Please, my lady.” An-te-hai became nervous. “You want to bring no trouble to yourself and me.”

“Trouble? All I want is to be able to shit by myself!”

“It is not about shitting, my lady,” An-te-hai murmured, as if his mouth was stuffed with food.

“What it is about, then?”

“It is about grace, my lady.”

“Grace? How can anyone shit gracefully?”

Getting my face made, my hair oiled and combed and my dress put on and tightened around my waist, only to be taken off in the afternoon, became not only boring but also tiring. The eunuchs and ladies in waiting held trays and marched back and forth in front of me with dresses, underwear, accessories, ornaments, belts and hairpins. I couldn’t wait for the ritual to be over. I would have preferred to have them tell me where these things were and pick them out myself. But I was not entitled to change the rules. I started to see that the Imperial life was about nothing but elaborate detail. My biggest problem was patience.

An-te-hai kept me company when my hair was being done. He amused me with stories and jokes. He stood behind me as I sat facing the mirror.

First the hairdresser smoothed my hair with scented water. Then he oiled it with mountain sunflower extract. After combing it through, he coiled it up. He tried to fashion it into the shape of a swan on this particular morning.

The process annoyed me and I was becoming irritated.

To ease the tension, An-te-hai asked if I would like to learn the details of Emperor Hsien Feng’s belt.

I told him that I was not interested.

“The belt is the Imperial color, bright yellow, of course,” An-te-hai began, ignoring me. “A work of original Manchu craftsmanship, functional but exquisite.” Seeing that I didn’t object, he went on. “It is reinforced with horsehair and ornamented with white folded silk ribbons. The belt has been passed down from His Majesty’s ancestors and is worn during important ceremonies. The court’s astrologer has exact specifications about how His Majesty should wear such items. Usually Emperor Hsien Feng will also wear an ivory tube with toothpicks, a knife in a sheath of rhinoceros horn and two perfume sachets embroidered with tiny pearls. Originally these were made of tough linen used to replace a broken bridle.”

I smiled, appreciating the eunuch’s intention. An-te-hai always knew how to set off my craving for knowledge.

“Does Nuharoo know what you know?” I asked An-te-hai.

“Yes, my lady, she does.”

“Was it part of the reason that she was chosen?”

An-te-hai went quiet. I could tell that he didn’t want to offend me.

I dropped the subject and said, “An-te-hai, from now on you are responsible for refreshing my knowledge of royal life.” I avoided saying the words “teach me.” I noticed that An-te-hai would be more at ease and provide me with better information if I acted like his master instead of his pupil.

“I want you to suggest what I should wear during the coming Chinese New Year’s celebration.”

“Well, first you have to be sure that you never dress above your rank. Yet you don’t want to appear unimaginative. That is to say, you have to be able to foretell what the Grand Empress and Empress Nuharoo might wear.”

“Yes, that makes sense.”

“I would assume that their jadeite pendants will be in the shape of lotus leaves, their other ornaments of pearl and pink tourmaline. They will take care not to step over Emperor Hsien Feng. His pendant is a carving of a triple goat, an auspicious sign he wears only on the eve of the Chinese New Year.”

“What should my pendant be?”

“Any sign or symbol you please, as long as you don’t outshine the
two ladies. As I said, you don’t want to underdress either, because you don’t want to forfeit His Majesty’s attention. You must do everything in your power to stand out among thousands of concubines. You might not get to see your husband at all except on those occasions.”

I wished that I could invite An-te-hai to join me for breakfast instead of serving me, watching me eat and then going to his quarters to have a cold yam.

He appreciated my feelings and was happy to enslave himself. I knew that he was weaving his future around me. If I became Hsien Feng’s favorite, his position would be elevated. But I was getting no attention from His Majesty. How long did I have to wait? Would I ever get a chance? Why was I not hearing anything from Chief Eunuch Shim?

It had been seven weeks since I entered the Palace of Concentrated Beauty. I no longer looked at the yellow glazed roofs. Their brilliance had faded in my eyes. The task of picking out dresses to wear in the morning bored me to tears. I realized by now that I would dress up for no one else to see. Even my eunuchs and ladies in waiting would not be there to witness the perfection of my beauty. They were instructed to hide themselves when not called. I usually ended up alone after I was fully dressed.

Every day I found myself standing in the middle of the splendid but empty palace, my neck stretched long and hard from morning to noon. Countless times I dreamed of Emperor Hsien Feng’s visit. In my fantasies he came, took my hand and passionately embraced me.

Lately I had been sitting by my pond. Dressed up like a fool, I watched the turtles and toads. In the morning the sun lingered over the garden, and two turtles would swim up lazily. They floated on top of the water for a time and then crawled over to a flat rock to relax. Slowly one would get on top of the other. They would lie motionless in this position for hours, and I would sit with them.

The beautiful wide-open eyes look dead, although her posture is erect and her costume magnificent
—lines from old operas repeated themselves inside my head.

An-te-hai appeared from the bushes holding a cup of tea on a tray.

“Is my lady having a good day?” An-te-hai placed the tea in front of me.

I sighed and told him that I didn’t feel like having tea.

An-te-hai smiled. He leaned over and pushed the turtles gently back into the water. “You are too anxious, my lady. Don’t be.”

“Life is too long in the Forbidden City, An-te-hai,” I said. “Even the seconds are hard to pass.”

“The day will come,” An-te-hai said. His expression showed a sincere belief. “His Majesty will summon you, my lady.”

“Will he?”

“You must believe that he will.”

“Why would he?”

“Why wouldn’t he?” An-te-hai rose from his knees.

“Speak no more of false hope, An-te-hai!”

“You can’t afford to lose your confidence, my lady. What else do you own besides hope? His Majesty has placed you on the west side of his palace. I believe that is the sign of a strong interest. All the fortune-tellers I have consulted predict that he will summon you.”

My mood lightened and I picked up the tea.

“May I ask”—the eunuch smiled as if he felt better himself—“if my lady is prepared if the summons comes tonight? In other words, is my lady familiar with the mating ritual?”

Embarrassed, I replied, “Of course I am.”

“If you desire an explanation, I am here to help.”

“You?” I couldn’t help laughing. “Watch your behavior, An-te-hai.”

“Only you know whether or not I was behaving, my lady.”

I went quiet.

“I will be glad to drink the poison you hand me,” An-te-hai said softly.

“Perform your duty and waste no words.” I smiled.

“Wait for me, my lady. I’ll show you something.” Quickly An-te-hai collected the tea set and left. Moments later he returned with a paper box in his hand. Inside was a pair of silkworm moths.

“I got this from the garden of the Palace of Benevolent Tranquility,” An-te-hai said. “It is where the elder concubines live—twenty-eight of them, left by Emperor Hsien Feng’s father and grandfather. These are their pets.”

“What do they do with moths?” I asked. “I thought they spent their days doing embroidery.”

“Well, the ladies watch and play with the moths,” An-te-hai said. “It is the same as the emperors and princes indulging themselves with crickets. The only difference is that there is no competition between silkworm moths.”

“What’s the fun in watching moths?”

“You have no idea, my lady.” As if revealing a mystery, An-te-hai be-
came excited. “The ladies love to watch the moths couple, and then they tear them apart in the middle of their mating ritual. Would you like me to show you?”

Imagining what An-te-hai would do, I raised my hands in the air. “No! Take the box back. I am not interested!”

“All right, my lady, I won’t show you today. But someday you will want to see this. You will then understand the fun of it, just like the other ladies.”

“What happens when you tear the moths apart?” I asked.

“They bleed to death.”

“And that is the ‘fun’ you were talking about?”

“Precisely.” An-te-hai smiled, misreading, for the first time, my thoughts.

“Whoever does this must have a sick mind,” I said, turning my head toward the distant mountains.

“Well, to those in despair it helps healing,” the eunuch said quietly.

I turned and stared into the open box.

Two moths were becoming one. Half of the male’s body was inside the female’s.

“Would you like me to remove the box, my lady?”

“Be gone, An-te-hai, and leave the moths to me.”

“Yes, my lady. The moths are easy to feed. In case you need to have more than one pair, the silkworm seller comes to the palace the fourth day of every month.”

The pair rested peacefully on a mat of straw. Next to them were two broken cocoons. The two little white bodies had wings covered with thick ash-colored powder. Once in a while their wings trembled. Were they having fun?