Endgame (19 page)

That’s what he thinks? I wish I could argue, but history shows otherwise, so I can’t even say he’s wrong. I never seem to make anything better without screwing it up first. It’s my MO, and I’m doing it again right now.

“Then why are you with me?” I ask. “Why do you wait for someone like me? Especially when you already made it clear you think I’m selfish for wanting my own life.”

“I can’t leave, can I?”

Shock pushes me back a step, away from him. “I didn’t make you wait five turns for me. You could’ve moved on. And you wouldn’t be stuck here.”

“Jax…” He seems to realize belatedly how much he’s hurt me. “I waited because I love you.”

There’s a prickle in my mind, like sharing headspace will make it better. Instead, it just shows him how bad I’m wounded. But he can’t wipe these feelings away—and even if he can, I don’t want him to. So I bring my walls up and force him out. I learned to do that during the Morgut War, when we were partners in the cockpit, but nowhere else. The force of it drives the color from his cheeks; I’ve never done that before.

I take another step backward. “Bullshit. You waited because you like being a martyr. But you know what? I’ve done some bad, fragged-up things in my life. And I’m sorry for them. But I
do not
believe I deserve to be unhappy. I refuse to be with someone who’s using me like a hair coat.”

“It’s not like that,” he says.

“Really? You act like you’re the only one who’s been lonely. I’m waiting, too.”

“Yeah,” he snaps. “I’m sure you are…with Vel around.”

“You’re jealous of him?”

“He put his
mark
on you, Jax. Of course I hate it…but then, I’m a primitive male. Obviously, I don’t get your ‘special connection’ that transcends sex.” Anger radiates from him. “You know how that makes me feel? Like you get all your emotional needs met somewhere else, and you just come to me for a good, hard—”

“Seriously?” My jaw drops. “You’ve been inside my head repeatedly. You know that isn’t true.”

“All I know is that you love someone who isn’t me. You’ll go
anywhere
with him…but you never stay with me.”

I shake my head. “It’s more accurate to say he’ll go anywhere with me. So maybe you’re jealous of that…because you can’t right now.”

“While we’re clearing the air, Jax, what about the colors Vel wears? Tell me that’s nothing to do with you. I looked up that symbol, and it means ‘grimspace’ in Ithtorian. So while you were with him—and I was waiting—you gave him some kind of commitment? That’s more than I ever got from you. I just hear bullshit about how Kai said desire means more than promises.”

Okay, maybe I screwed up. I should have said something to him, but when? As I was leaving Nicuan, or during one of the vid messages?
By the way, March, I gave Vel my colors. It doesn’t mean we’re married. I love you, bye!

“You said you accept me…that you get me. You let me think you understood. Now you’re telling me that was all a lie?”

His shoulders slump. “I thought I’d lose you if I told the truth.”

“You’d only lose me if you forced a choice…because love shouldn’t be like that.” I sigh softly. “And I have a feeling you’re only bringing it up now because you don’t want to talk about Sasha.”

“I don’t,” he says miserably.

I go on as if he hasn’t spoken. “And now I’m not allowed to have opinions on this aspect of your life that I’m not a part of? Whatever, March. I know exactly how Sasha feels…and if you keep it up, you’ll lose both of us.”

I turn then because I’m damned if I’m spending my limited R&R fighting with him. He can go back to looking at charts with Loras, or maybe he should talk to his kid. Either way, I’m done. When he dragged Vel into it, he went too far.

There’s another day of leave, at best.

But I’m not in the mood to join my squad-mates in blowing off steam. I brood, work out, and take my meals at off-hours, so I don’t have to see anyone. Eventually, I need to apologize to March for interfering; I don’t blame him for being angry. In retrospect, it’s crazy to discuss letting a kid fight. For the La’hengrin, it makes sense because it’s their world, but for March, it was the ultimate red flag, and I should’ve known better. I was thinking of Sasha as a fully developed person, not a minor who needs to be guided. That was my mistake. But he made some, too, not least was misleading me about his level of understanding of our situation—and the things he said about Vel…

If Dina were here, she’d tell me to get over myself already. But she’s not, so I wallow for a good long while before Vel finds me. It’s the middle of the night on the surface, but I’m not sleeping. Doubtless, I’ll be sorry for this move when we ship out in the morning, but for now, I keep drinking, so long as the kitchen-mate will keep processing my requests. The shitty part is, the nanites kick in the minute I get a good
buzz on. They process the alcohol that’s poisoning me and restore me to sobriety faster than I like.

“I had an…interesting conversation with March earlier.”

I glance up as Vel sits down opposite me. The mess is totally empty at this hour, so there’s ample privacy. Though I don’t feel like talking to anyone, not even him, I say, “About what?”

“You.”

“That’s fantastic,” I mutter.

“He asked about my intentions, Sirantha.”

For a few seconds, I think the nanites have stopped working—which means I’m normal—and drunk…and that I can’t have heard him right. “What?”

“He seems to be laboring under the impression that he stands in the way of our grand passion.” By the rapid twitch of his mandible, Vel is hideously amused.

“I’m going to kill him.”

“No need for violence when our passionate love has been acknowledged at last.”

“So you suffer the agonies of the damned due to our fierce, unconsummated devotion?” I eye him, wondering how far he’ll take this. “Well, I’m in the mood for revenge sex, and I might be drunk enough to do unspeakable things to you.”

“Perhaps not quite the agonies of the damned.” He’s still wearing the Ithtorian equivalent of a smirk.

“Yeah, I thought that might make you backpedal.”

Somehow, he musters a sober mien. “I am sorry. I should not find so much entertainment in your interpersonal difficulties.”

“You’re just afraid I’ll make you sleep with me.”

“I fear no such thing,” he replies. “You have slept with me many times.”

Not what I mean, but it’s just as well there are no witnesses. March’s head would explode. Maybe he fears this bond more because it’s not about sex. I sigh and put my head on the table. This isn’t the time to ponder such things. I need to stay sharp. Personal issues can wait…or they should, at least. Unfortunately, people don’t preserve neatly in plastic, frozen in place until you’re ready to deal with them again.

Vel rests a claw lightly on my hair. “He offered to step aside to make way for me.”

Oh really? How enlightened of him.
It’s not like
I
can choose. Obviously, the males need to settle it between themselves and save me the burden of thinking.

“What did you say?” I quirk a brow.

“That I needed to talk with you first.” Here comes the mandible twitch again.

This time, humor overwhelms the aggravation and chagrin. “You knew that would drive him crazy, didn’t you?”

“I…suspected.”

“Are you ready to beg me to be yours alone?”

From the flash in his side-set eyes and the way he draws back, Vel looks genuinely horrified. “No.”

“I didn’t think so.” I prop my chin on my hands and sigh. Yeah, I’m screwing with him a little, but he deserves it.

His claws grow restless now that I’ve put him on the spot. They click out a nervous message of apology against the tabletop. “I do care for you, Sirantha. You are…the most important person in my life. But…that is…I cannot—”

I let him off the hook, listing the reasons why it’s not going to happen. “You’re not ready for a romantic relationship. You remember what it was like with Adele. Then you lost her. And you don’t want to feel like that again. Plus, you’re still healing.”

I understand this about Vel. It’s too bad March doesn’t. And then I realize…he
doesn’t know
. He sees only our closeness without understanding the context.

“Why do I love such an idiot?” I mumble.

“I imagine he asks himself the same question.”

I sit up. “
Ouch.
Are you pissed off at me?”

“No. But neither of you is perfect.”

“True enough. Would you mind if I told him about Adele?” It’s his story, but it will go a long way toward easing March’s mind and helping him understand that Vel’s not a threat to him…at least, not during his lifetime.

It could take eighty turns before Vel is ready to move on. I might be grieving myself by that point, and he’ll be there to help me through it. Then there will be an endless future together, so long as my nanites are still working, and who
knows what will happen that far down the road? Not me. I can’t even wrap my head around it. Most days, it’s all I can do to handle the here and now.

“I do not mind if you reveal the bones,” he answers at length. “But some of the story, I spoke for your ears alone, Sirantha.”

“Understood. I’ll just tell him the basics, and that you need a friend. Which I am.”

“I have never known one dearer,” he says.

“I should go wake him up. There won’t be time to talk in the morning, and I don’t think he’d get over it if we left things like this, and something happened to me.”

Despite my ability to heal wounds that would end anyone else, I’m not immortal or indestructible. The nanites can’t grow me a new head or rebuild me if I’m charred to ash. I can still die; it just takes more to kill me.

“He would not.” He runs a claw down my cheek. “Nor would I. And who knows, perhaps someday—”

“You don’t have to make me any promises. Just be there. That’s all.”

“I will be.”

“I’m sorry you got dragged into this. It’s…” I shake my head. Words fail me.

“It was…diverting, to say the least. I have never been the seductive third in a love triangle.” And he’s smirking again. “It is not a role I have played before.”

“I imagine not.”

“Tell me, Sirantha, what is it about me that you find irresistible? Is it my gleaming chitin? My eyes? My mandible? No, I have it. My talons drive you wild.”

“You’re never going to let me live this down, are you?”

“Probably not. It is possible, however, that in five hundred turns, neural decay will set in, and I will no longer recall how hilarious this is.”

“You’re an evil, evil Bug.”

“Occasionally. Off you go now.”

I shoot him a dirty look as I head out. At this hour, I encounter only Constance, who’s walking toward comms. She never sleeps for obvious reasons; she just plugs in now and then to recharge.

“How’s Sasha doing?”

“At his lessons, brilliantly. In other regards, I am concerned.” Her words match her grandmotherly façade. Maybe she really
does
worry.

“He wants to fight.”

“I know. We’ve talked about it. He’s fascinated by the children’s brigade. Not that he sees himself as a child.”

“What do you think?”

“It is not without precedent…yet as Commander March says, Sasha is young. I am not qualified to render psychological analysis in this scenario.”

“You must have an opinion, though.” I tilt my head, inviting the truth.

“I do. In your service, Sirantha Jax, I have learned to respect free will. You let me choose whether I wanted to be in the sphere, part of a ship, or in a physical body. You never told me I was wrong for using the resources and processes available to me to make that choice. You gave me freedom.” She meets my gaze in a most un-AI fashion, as if she’s a real person inside those circuits and wires. “I think it is wrong to deny Sasha his own choices even if he is but a young sentient being. His mistakes should be his own.”

“Even if they prove costly?” I ask.

“Commander March should not deny the boy out of his own fear.”

“Thanks for the opinion. I’m on my way to talk to him now.” I realize the AI can’t make decisions as a human would; her thought processes are alien, and they’re morally gray as applied to this particular situation. Yet I think it pleased her that I asked.

She taps a few panels in the comm suite, and informs me, “The commander is watching vids in his quarters.”

“You can tell that?”

“Yes, from the energy consumption.”

I point out, “He might’ve fallen asleep with the console playing.”

“A possibility. But I don’t imagine you’ll let that dissuade you.”

“No. This can’t wait.”

In wartime, there’s no guarantee of tomorrow, so it’s best not to leave things unsaid.

He’s not asleep, but despite what I told Constance, I
didn’t think he would be. March answers the door, looking haggard. “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you before you left.”

“Did you want to?”

“Of course.”

“There are some things we need to talk about.”

He steps back, inviting me into my old quarters with a gesture. “By all means.”

“I need to tell you a story.”

His brow furrows. “Now?”

“There’s no better time.”

In as few words as possible, I explain that Vel had a human lover—that they were happy together on Gehenna for many turns, until she made him leave her so he wouldn’t have to watch her age. Then I tell March how she died, not so long ago, and that Ithtorians mourn for a long time. When I come to the end of my recitation, I ask, “Do you understand why I’m telling you this?”

“Because she remains at the center of his heart…and I’m jealous for nothing.”

“Pretty much.”

“I gather he told you that we talked?” A hot flush steals over his cheeks, making him look feverish, as well as weary and heartsick.

“Yeah.”

“I shouldn’t have interfered like that. I don’t know why I did. I just…I don’t know. I went a little crazy or something. I could only see that I’m not making you happy. We fight a lot. I thought maybe—”

“See, that’s your mistake…thinking you need to make me happy. I’m in charge of my own moods. Yes, we’re fighting more, but it’s because we’re talking. There are no secrets with you in my head, but before now, you haven’t told me how you feel about what you see there. And I don’t have your facility at poking around in people’s minds. That said, I haven’t been good about sharing, either. It’s something we both need to work on.” I take a breath before continuing, “I do apologize for interfering about Sasha. I wasn’t thinking like a parent at the time…because I’m not one, so I get why you went ballistic.”