Entwine (11 page)

“Hm,” he said. “I know what you mean.”

Sarah, still gazing at him, let him see her take a big breath in, and then breathed it out. She wanted him to hold her, touch her, but didn’t want him too, for fear of hurting him. If he reminded her of the best and worst parts of her life, and she was only indirectly affected by her dad’s and Alyssa’s actions, Malik was right in the line of fire, taking all the shrapnel and crap that exploded from that mess. Imagining what type of reminder she was for him made Sarah sick.

“It doesn’t matter,” Sarah said. Suddenly, she took his hands in hers, and her face was electric with passion. “Why should we let it ruin our lives? It was six years ago.
Six
! We don’t have to have anything to do with them. I only see my dad every couple of months anyway. You’d never have to see him. I promise it will never happen. I know it’s crazy, because a day ago I didn’t know you existed, but you’ve changed something in my life and … and I feel. Feel so much with you. You’re like my puzzle piece. You unlock parts of me. I didn’t know those existed. But … ”

Sarah saw his expression. This was not good. He should have seen the possibility in her words. He should have been as ecstatic as her. He wasn’t. Not one bit.

“W … what?” she asked.

“When did you properly speak to your dad last? Before that run-in yesterday.”

Sarah’s heart thumped. “Weeks ago? Wait, I’m not sure.”

“Alyssa and he …” Malik clenched his teeth, and looked away. He might have muttered something, but Sarah couldn’t make out what it was. “Fuck, I’ll just come out and say it. They’re back together and, last I made out, she’s moving back in with him any day now, if she hasn’t already.”

“No.”

Malik chewed the inside of his lip, and she wanted to take his lips in hers and kiss everything away. Sarah was nothing but a body, ready for his, and a mind full of thoughts zeroed in on Malik. That’s what she needed now.

And exactly what she couldn’t have.

“I … ” Malik stood, dusting off his thighs and ass. “I think you need to have some talks with your family. Don’t ask me to be here for you, because I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’ll still have the same number, still feel exactly what I do for you, if not more, but you need to sort out your life. Sarah, I’d be with you in a heartbeat, kiss you, love you, do what you wanted, but I think other things need sorting first.”

She nodded, unable to hold on any longer. The tears welled in her eyes, and the first dribbled down her nose. She didn’t make a sound. Malik had his eyes on his feet, but she sniffled and he looked up, saw all the tears and her trembling, and took her into his arms, safe against his chest.

“Shh,” he cooed. “I don’t hate you. Not one bit. But I do need time myself. I haven’t gotten over what she did. And I … shit, it’s just all crashed at once. Just need to process this, ‘kay?”

Sarah nodded against his chest, staring out at the people passing and everyone who had no clue, just being all happy and busy.

They parted and Malik said, “You can call, if you want.”

Sarah turned before he could see her cry again, and she continued to cry all the way to her train. There were no delays, no beautiful strangers, no magical night that made her feel alive for the first time in years. She spent the train ride staring at her mobile, knowing they both wanted her to call him, but trapped by the truth that she shouldn’t. Not yet, not for a while.

Then she saw Nicholas step onto her carriage. And he saw her.

NICHOLAS

THEN

Sarah wondered how much of her she’d inherited from her father.

She was eighteen in a few weeks; free to drive, vote, and drink. She’d be whoever she wanted to be. She had applied for a few courses at Melbourne universities in English and literature, hoping she’d get in. The written word was her passion, and if she could write or edit, something like that, she’d be happy spending most of her life chained to a desk with that work to do.

But she didn’t know yet what would happen. She had a million hours of study to do for her upcoming final high school exams, along with finishing up the last projects and assignments for each of her classes.

Still a minor, Sarah was housebound on this rainy weekend. It was October, so she should have had some weather-related luck on her side, but the sun didn’t show. The roads were dark and glistening, and for a while, she kneeled on her bed, her hands planted on her window, and she looked outside. Her dad was somewhere out there, with some strange woman. Alyssa was long gone, and so was the next woman after her.

Sarah saw a young woman running. She had skins on, all professional gear: sneakers, wristband, and more. The rain pelted down over her, her hair too dark to distinguish if it’d be anything other than black, from where Sarah was looking in her room.

Sarah fell back on her bed, elbows bent near her head, and thought about how she’d grown from a girl to now, almost an adult. Who would she become? Driven and committed, like that woman? Running every day without excuse, or like her dad?

Her dad had split up with Alyssa just half a year after moving out with her. He messaged Sarah, saying, “I’ll be moving. Will still be right around the corner, kiddo!” and Sarah had thrown her mobile on the carpet across her bedroom. Her two replies consisted of saying she wasn’t a kid anymore, and why did he say he’d be around the corner? It wasn’t like she saw much of him anyway.

She hated how she understood her dad’s inability to stick with one person. Sarah didn’t cheat, but it wasn’t like she’d experienced true love yet. The difference, Sarah had repeated to herself, was that she never promised to commit to something she didn’t have her heart in long-term.

Now, two years later, Sarah had reconnected with Nicholas, who still seemed just as nice—not to mention, more gorgeous than when he was a gangly boy, years ago—and she could see herself spending lots of time with him.

Blinking rapidly, her ceiling came back into focus. Sarah didn’t move for a while; she didn’t cross her legs, or twist them under her bum. She didn’t even moisten her lips with a lick. She just waited and saw past the ceiling, dreaming of the bigger, wider world, and wanting everything to work out. She wanted to drive
now,
have her own house and money
now,
and dreamed of a fantastic boyfriend and normal, whole family
now
.

So, she called Nicholas.

“Hello,” he answered.

She’d looked to her door, didn’t even take a breath so she could hear if her mum was nearby.
“Wanna come over?”

“Will your mum let you?”

“Should be okay. I’ll let her know now, but she won’t mind. I …” Sarah bit her lip, feeling silly for a moment, then realising she was safe expressing her feelings to him. “I really miss you. It’s rainy and, and I’d like to cuddle.”

“You too, Sez. Been missing you so bad. I was going crazy trying to stop myself messaging you all day long.”

“But I saw you after school yesterday!”

“Exactly. Thought it was over the top.”

“You’re cute. Come over.”

“Done.”

Sarah was in her bra, undies, and had a fresh top tangled in her arms and around her head, when she heard her door knock. “Wait!” she called out. After struggling further in her panic, she finally pulled her top down over her leggings.

“Yup,” she said as she swung open her bedroom door.

Nicholas’s face grew happy, a big smile on his lips as he took her in, obviously noticing her in a rush. She liked his smile because she couldn’t help but smile back, even though, seconds ago, she was dangerously close to being caught in a compromising position. She wrapped her arms around his waist.

He walked in, looking to Sarah as if he were scoping out her bedroom. It was the first time he’d been in here though they’d been boyfriend-and-girlfriend for weeks now. She watched him check out her little chair, tucked under her desk, whistle impressively at the large flat-screen TV mounted on her wall opposite her bed, and then give her a look, between the bed and himself. She nodded and he climbed across the bed over to the window, looking down to the front yard and across from one end of her street to the other.

“Love your room,” he said.

Sarah rolled her eyes. With a bored, unbelieving look, she waved at him on her bed and replied, “Smooth, Nicholas.”

“Shh, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Sarah took tentative steps up to her bed. When she was flush against the side, he grabbed her, and pulled her up with him. He brushed her hair away from her neck and shoulders and kissed her exposed skin, but didn’t move her bra or tank top strap. Her back was touching his stomach and chest, and the proximity made her shiver. They’d only ever kissed, made out, and had a cheeky session feeling under each other’s clothes, but never further—and knowing her mum was somewhere downstairs, and Nicholas was pressed behind her, she felt rebellious and naughty.

“You okay?” he asked. “You sounded concerned on the phone, and all I’ve wanted to do since hearing you was hold you. You feel so soft.” He kissed the skin at her collarbone, making her shiver. “I can hug you all day long, if you want.”

Sarah was discovering Nicholas was by far the best friend and boyfriend she’d ever had. In so many ways. Right now, when she just wanted someone to hold her, he was perfect in the one way that counted. He was ready to help her the moment she needed, and had been nothing but honest in the time they’d been friends, and now a couple.

She relaxed back against him. Nicholas was already absorbing her weight the moment she fell.

• • •

NOW

“Sa … Sarah?”

She slid over on her seat to make room. “Hey, Nicholas!”

He had changed, in the years since she’d been with him. He had stubble, mostly shaped into a buzz-cut beard. He was her age but seemed more mature, or perhaps just manlier, than she’d expected.

“Do you work in the city now?” he asked.

When they broke up, she was on a part-time wage and studying. It felt too long ago to be the same life she lived now, but it
was
her; just a young, growing her, trying to find her place.

“Yeah, just up a few blocks. Actually, just started my first job out of uni as a junior editor yesterday.”

That also felt like another world away; before Malik.

Their conversation went on like that without a hiccup. Nicholas studied business management and was overseeing a project site in the city for the next few months. Sarah asked about his cat. Billy was still kicking it, albeit with cataracts and a little loss of hearing, but he was living with Nicholas’s parents, whom could spend more time with him. Sarah still had no pet, she was sad to report, and sadder still that she’d turned twenty-two in her mum’s house. Nicholas was renting an apartment, which she didn’t hide her envy at.

It was only when the announcement lady called her stop that she jumped up and checked to see she hadn’t left anything behind. She waved bye to Nicholas, and, swept up in the whirlwind of seeing him again, totally forgot her mum would be waiting there for her at the station. She was set to pick up her car from the mechanic tonight.

Sarah wanted to ask why her mum didn’t wait in the car. It made her feel like a kid, her mother picking her up from her stop. As soon as she thought that, she knew she was being silly. Her mum just wanted to see if she was okay, and, thanks to Nicholas, she must have seemed not too bad.

“Had a mixed day,” Sarah said.

“Tell me more.”

Between the parking lot and the car, Sarah told her about her day, dragging on forever in her hope that tomorrow would be as enjoyable as her first one was. She also told her mum she met up with Malik to chat, and just before, saw Nicholas.

The moment the car doors shut, Sarah was trapped. As feeble as it sounded, walking outside with the wind lifting the ends of her hair and the space around her had felt freeing. In comparison, sitting in the passenger seat of her mum’s car made her felt small and dependent.

As her mum buckled in her belt, Sarah asked, “Why didn’t he tell me everything, about Alyssa and moving back in?
Malik
had to tell me.”

With her hands on her car keys, Sarah’s mum stopped, dropped them into the cup holder next to her, and faced Sarah. It wasn’t that Sarah was trying to make her mum feel bad, but she felt too angry, sad and hopeless to say it any other way.

Sarah had never known her mum to lie to her. The furthest she went was for birthdays or presents—she’d send Sarah on the wrong train of thought, or mislead her, all for Sarah’s benefit. If she were sad, she’d simply tell Sarah so, or hint at it using not so many words. Before she answered, Sarah knew she wouldn’t have to brace for betrayal from her mum.

Unfortunately, instead, her mum’s heart broke, and in a moment they might have to reach over and hold each other over the middle console. Sarah would have to tell her mum the news.

“When? Sarah, when did you hear that?”

Sarah knew her mum heard her when she’d said Malik had told her that, which only made her heart ache more. Sure, she’d thought her mum was mean at times, but she’d been a teenager then. Now, older, she saw her mum had always been beautiful, inside and out. She didn’t deserve to still be affected by her ex-husband like this.

“I told Malik who I was, and about dad and Alyssa. He told me they were moving in. Or already had.” Sarah looked up from her fingers to her mum, who was tracing the steering wheel with her keys. “Mum?”

“I don’t know. Those two … I don’t want anything to do with them. They go up and down more times than a yo-yo.”

“Me too.”

Her mum pursed her lips, and gazed at Sarah’s lap. She extended her hand and Sarah lifted hers from her lap into her mum’s palm. They squeezed them together.

“You know you can’t disappear. You only get one father. Shitty as he may be, he has always loved you so much, but in his own way. If he’s not working, he’s admiring his next lady. He’s here, there, and ultimately nowhere at all, but when it comes down to it, he loves you. Don’t forget that.”