Esrever Doom (Xanth) (2 page)

But what about the pictures Griff had mentioned? Kody focused, and refocused, and in a moment got the range. It was like looking at a 3-D picture; focus was everything. Once he had the pictures, they were fascinating. Scenes of assorted magical creatures and things. And if he touched one he would be there?

Better experiment cautiously, because some indeed were dragons. So he oriented on an appealing castle with pleasant foliage and turrets. That should be safe to visit. He touched it.

Nothing happened. Ah, well. He folded the checkerboard, tucked it in a pocket, and looked around.

He was standing before the castle. The change had been so smooth he had not realized it had taken place.

So the game board worked. He could go where he wished, in this fantasy land. There were sixty-four scenes in all; surely one would serve his purpose. If he could only figure out what his purpose was, in this dream.

The front gate of the castle opened. A stunningly lovely young woman stood there, svelte and blond, evidently the mistress of this castle, as she wore a petite crown. “Why, hello,” she said, surprised.

“I apologize for intruding,” Kody said. “A centaur gave me a magic device that enables me to travel, and I was trying it out. I think I can as readily depart as I came here.”

“First let me touch you,” the woman said, approaching him. He stood bemused as she came and touched his hand. “Oh!”

“You see, I’m not from this region,” he said. “I don’t know the geography or the customs.”

“You are Kody, from Mundania,” she said. “You were in some sort of accident, and woke in a hospital, where they drugged you, and you find yourself here in Xanth. You think it’s all a dream.”

Kody’s mouth opened, but no words came out. How could she know that?

She smiled, and it was like the rising sun. “I am Princess Dawn. My talent is to know everything about anything living that I touch. You need my help. You must have been guided here. Come in.” She turned and reentered the castle. Her back side was just as impressive as her front side.

Kody followed. He kept being surprised by this dream!

“This is Caprice Castle,” Dawn said as they walked. “It has marvelous properties you will discover soon enough. A number of us live here. We gather puns for storage, so that Xanth is not infested worse than it has to be.”

“Puns,” Kody said. “I believe I have encountered some of those.”

“Indeed, it is hard to avoid them. It’s a real problem.”

“Yes,” he agreed. But puns were the least of his concerns at the moment.

“Picka, dear,” Dawn said, not loudly.

A spook-house animated skeleton appeared. “Yes, dear,” it said.

“This is Kody, from Mundania. He needs help.”

“We’ll help him,” the skeleton agreed. It came forward to shake Kody’s hand. He tried not to recoil at the touch of the bare bones. “I am Picka Bone, Dawn’s husband. And these are our children.” For two small figures had appeared. One was a walking skeleton, the other a cute little girl.

It seemed this crazy realm was destined to keep surprising him. A walking skeleton could marry a princess, and they could have children? Obviously so.

“I’m Piton,” the little male skeleton said.

“Hello, Piton,” Kody said. “You look a lot like your father.”

The boy giggled, complimented.

“I’m Data,” the girl said.

Kody realized that Piton was a P name, surely because of his father Picka, while Data was a D name, after her mother Dawn. It seemed that in Xanth men had sons, women had daughters. “Hello, Data. You are lovely like your mother.”

The child blushed with pleasure. Kody had not realized a small child could blush. But of course this was a magic land.

There was an awkward pause. Then Dawn approached. “I need to touch you again.”

“Welcome,” Kody said. “I never mind being touched by a lovely lady.” That made
him
pause, because it was not the kind of thing he had ever said before.

Dawn touched him. “It is true. You see us as beautiful.”

“Doesn’t everyone?” Kody asked, perplexed. “I’m no expert, but if you are not one of the loveliest women extant, and your daughter a beautiful child, this is the most remarkable realm imaginable. Or is it considered bad manners to say the obvious? Have I given offense?”

“No offense,” Dawn said. “Far from it.”

“He sees you as beautiful?” Picka asked, as if not quite believing it.

“He does,” Dawn said. “And Data as really cute.”

“Then he’s immune!”

Dawn considered. “Not exactly. He’s just not reversed in the same way we are.”

“Then can he fix it?”

“I don’t know. Kody is not completely real, here.”

Picka looked at her, perplexed. “Not?”

So did Kody. A walking skeleton found him perplexing? “I don’t really understand any of this.”

“Come and sit down,” Dawn said. “This may take some explaining.”

Soon they were ensconced in an appealing living room. Data, thrilled to be appreciated as pretty, came to sit on Kody’s lap. But the surprises were not through. For a moment she became a little skeleton, startling him. It was definitely her, because now her dress hung loosely on the bones. She was just as cute in that form as when she had flesh.

“We can change,” Data said, her voice emanating from her little skull. “It’s part of the magic of Caprice Castle.” She reappeared in human form, and squirmed to get her sagged dress to fit properly. “Do you really think I’m cute?”

“Yes, definitely,” Kody said.

“That’s great!” She leaned forward to hug him.

“Here is the background,” Dawn said in a businesslike tone. “About a week ago the Land of Xanth was affected by a malign spell of reversal that caused people to perceive others as the opposite of what they are. That is, handsome or beautiful folk are perceived as ugly, while ugly folk are seen as handsome or lovely. Those in the middle range are affected less, becoming moderately the opposite of what they were. So, for example, others now see me as a hag, while seeing true hags as beautiful. We of the sightly persuasion find this distinctly awkward. We would like to have the old order restored, but we don’t know how to do it. The Good Magician Humfrey says that only a person unaffected by the spell has any chance to nullify it. But all residents of Xanth are similarly affected, at least to some degree.”

Kody’s head was trying to spin. “This is not a literal change? Just one of perception?”

“Correct,” Picka said. “I see Dawn as I always have. But now I am repulsed. That complicates our relationship.”

“So it’s really a mood reversal,” Kody said. “Your sight has not changed, just your appreciation of what you see.” Esrever doom, he thought: mood reverse. It was almost starting to make odd sense.

“Exactly,” Picka agreed. “Even when she assumes skeletal form, I see her nice bones as ugly sticks.”

“I don’t like being seen as ugly,” Dawn said candidly. “No woman does.”

“While I, being Mundane, am not affected,” Kody said, getting it straight.

“Not exactly,” Dawn said.

“I’m not exactly here, yes, as it seems I am dreaming. But apart from that, I see things as they are.”

“Not exactly,” Dawn repeated.

“I’m not following you.”

“I think I need to demonstrate.” She glanced at Picka. “With your acquiescence, dear.”

The skeleton shrugged. “Of course.”

She faced Kody. “Stand.”

Data got off his lap, knowing what was coming. He stood, perplexed.

She came to him, put her arms around him, drew him close, and kissed him. He felt almost as if he were floating off the floor. Her wonderful bosom was pressing into his chest, his hands were somehow on her marvelous bottom, and the contact of their lips was sheer rapture. She was an utterly mesmerizing creature. In that moment he loved her, despite knowing that she was not and would never be his. Not only was she a magic princess, far beyond his station, she was a thoroughly married mother of two. He had no business reacting romantically to her.

She drew back, knowing how well she had impressed him. Now it was no mystery how she had conquered a walking skeleton. She could seduce the dead, if she tried. “You liked that.”

“God help me, I did,” he admitted, shaken. “Please don’t do it again.”

“So you are reversed.”

Now he appreciated her point. “I guess I am.”

“Reversed?” Picka asked. “He’s a perfectly normal man.”

“Indeed he is,” Dawn agreed.

Picka and the two children looked at her, puzzled.

Kody changed the subject. “So it may be that I am here for a reason: to get this spell of reversal turned off. So that Mood Reverse is no longer Esrever Doom.”

“It may be,” Dawn agreed. “The Good Magician will know.”

“Who is this Good Magician?” Kody asked.

“He is Xanth’s most respected Magician of Information,” Picka said. “Anyone who really needs to know something can go to ask the Good Magician. But it isn’t easy.”

“Not easy?”

“He doesn’t much like to be bothered,” Picka said. “He is chronically Grumpy, so much so that he has five and a half wives who rotate month by month, a new one stepping in when the old one is worn down. He makes his castle difficult to get into, so that most querents are discouraged and go away without entering. And when he does Answer a Question, he charges the person a year’s service, or an equivalent service. Even then, his Answers are seldom obvious; it takes time to figure them out.”

“That does seem to be discouraging,” Kody agreed. “Obviously I don’t want to ask him anything.”

“Yet you must,” Dawn said. “The welfare of Xanth may depend on it.”

The welfare of a purely imaginary magic land he was dreaming about. Yet she surely knew it better than he did. What could he do, but agree? “I must.”

“We will have you here as our guest for a few days,” Dawn said. “You need time to acclimatize, to get to know more about Xanth. Then we will send you to the Good Magician’s Castle.”

“But if I am here only a few days, there won’t be time for me to do anything, regardless.”

“You will be in Xanth as long as you need to be,” she said with certainty.

“So be it,” he agreed. “But you won’t need to help me get there. I have the chessboard.” He touched it in his pocket.

“It is best not to depend too much on such artifacts,” Dawn said. “Some of them are limited, so that if you use it when you don’t need to, you may not be able to use it when you do need to.”

“Point taken,” Kody agreed.

“Tweeter will show you to your room. You can clean up, then go out to talk with Bryce.”

“Tweeter? Bryce?”

“Tweeter is a bird who knows what’s what,” Picka said. “Bryce is an old Mundane who arrived here last year. Princess Harmony is courting him.”

And there was a small nondescript bird hovering in the air before him. “Good to meet you, Tweeter,” Kody said.

The bird flew out of the room, and Kody followed. It was apparent that animals were not just animals, here; they were people. They proceeded up winding stairs to a rather nice suite on an upper floor, complete with a made bed, dresser, bathroom, and shower.

“This is all for me?” Kody asked.

“Tweet.”

Kody washed up at the sink, noting that the mirror showed him as unchanged from life. Then the glass flickered, and Picka’s skull appeared.

“Dawn said you should eat before you go out, as it might be a long afternoon,” the skeleton said. “Tweeter will show you where.”

He needed food in a dream realm? Evidently so, because he was getting hungry. “Thanks. I’ll be there,” Kody answered. Then he glanced at the bird. “A magic mirror?”

“Tweet,” Tweeter agreed. He was evidently a bird of few words.

In due course they reported to the dining nook, where the meal was already laid out: a sandwich in the shape of a realistic submarine complete with a pickle periscope, and a glass of what looked like root beer. The two children were there. “Yours,” Data said expectantly.

He bit into the sandwich, and it was excellent. Then he sipped the drink, and jumped. It felt as if something had kicked him in the rear, though that was impossible, as he was sitting. Both children giggled, and Tweeter made a laughing tweet.

Something was up. “Okay, what’s the joke?” he asked them.

“It’s boot rear,” Piton said. He looked to be barely two years old, assuming skeletons aged at the rate of fleshly folk, but could speak well enough.

Kody contemplated the drink. Root beer, boot rear. A pun that was literal. A kick in the ass. But it was nevertheless tasty and satisfying. “Thank you. I did get a kick out of it.”

Children and bird laughed again.

It seemed that this dream realm had a character of its own, and humor was a significant part of it. He could live with that.

After lunch he departed the castle with Tweeter, on his way to find Bryce. The landscape was a hilly jungle with odd-looking plants and trees. He spied what had to be a pie plant, because it was growing pies, and another growing assorted shoes.

There was a path curving around and through the scenery, meandering as if enjoying itself. The air was pleasant.

Then Tweeter paused. “Tweet!” That sounded like alarm.

“What is it?”

Instead of answering the bird flew to a large tree by the side of the path, and perched on a massive lower branch. He made a gesture with one wing as if beckoning. So Kody carefully climbed up to join him there. But immediately Tweeter flew to a higher branch, and Kody followed again. Before long they both were on a high branch, peering down at the path. It was a fine view, but what was the point?

There was a motion behind the trees, accompanied by a sort of snuffling. Then a large dark creature, a vastly oversized lizard, came walking down the path, its long body sinuously handling the curves.

“Is that a dinosaur?” Kody asked, amazed.

“Tweet.” That was negation.

“Then it must be—a dragon!”

“Tweet.” Agreement.

The dragon heard them. It angled its head to peer up the tree. A puff of smoke emerged from its snoot.

“A smoker!” Kody said. Somewhere he had heard that dragons came in several types, one of which was the smoker. If that thing chose to rev up its smoke it could make a cloud around the tree and literally smoke them out. He understood that in house fires, more people died from smoke inhalation than from direct burning. This thing was dangerous!