Essex Boy: My Story (22 page)

Then at the end of summer 2012 my old manager Adam got back in touch to see if I wanted to give things another go.
It suddenly sounded like he had ideas, and there were things
out there that I could be doing with my life, instead of sitting around on my arse, spannering away my career.

He told me that
TOWIE
had a new producer, and the show was starting to introduce more of an open-door policy to past cast members.
So whereas in the past anyone who chose to leave the
show could never come back again, now there was a possibility people could return.
This was exciting, as it did seem like they had been damaging themselves by blocking people from coming back
– and I’m not big-headed enough just to be talking about me!
So Adam suggested we approach them and see where things stood for me.

At the same time, although I didn’t know it, my dad had been trying to get me back on the show.
He knew there was something not quite right and was obviously worried about me.

When
TOWIE
said they did want me back, despite nine months away from the show, it gave me new energy to get myself on track mentally, and suddenly I felt inspired to believe in myself
again.
Filming for the seventh series began in September 2012, and I got stuck in – although I was nervous, I loved it.
I much preferred
TOWIE
this time round under the new producer.
People have accused the show of becoming less real, but actually I think the opposite is true.
The new producers were trying to include much more of our real lives.
For example, being able to
acknowledge the fact that we are famous on the show has made it more realistic for viewers.

I also liked that I was able to tackle the whole issue of my anxiety and talk about it on the show, both with my fellow cast member Charlie King, and with the therapist Michael O’Doherty.
I only saw the therapist once, as he lives in Ireland, but anyway I don’t like to become dependent on other people.
I only want to be reliant on myself.
He made some good points, though, and
suggested that being starved of oxygen when I was born could have caused my problems – that because I didn’t have enough adrenalin then, when I needed it, my body has made up for it
ever since by giving me too much whenever I feel like I’m in a bad situation.

Once I started to let people know about my anxiety, it became less of a big secret and I was able to relax a bit about it.
I am suffering less at the moment, and I think that is why.
I’ve
had so many emails from people who suffer from anxiety, and it seems that I have really helped them by putting it out there in public on the show.
People from fourteen to fifty years old who are
going through the same thing have told me how pleased they are that I am addressing it.

I have found that there are pressure points that help as well, especially one on my wrist.
It’s the same place you would press to stop you being seasick, so you can even wear one of those
travel bands.
I’ve started wearing an elastic band on my wrist if I am going somewhere I think will be stressful, and if I ping it, it helps to reassure me, although I’m not sure
why!

I’m even starting to do PAs again, as I don’t feel so nervous about them.
I have started using a technique where before I go on stage I imagine the worst thing that is going to
happen.
I treat it as fact that I am going to go out there and get booed, and called a prick, and all sorts.
Then I breathe carefully and think, ‘If that’s the worst that can happen, I
will deal with it.’
And it is never that bad, so it is always easier than I have imagined it will be.

I know my personality is still as contradictory as ever.
I can’t say whether that’s because I still don’t fully know myself, or if everyone has two sides, and it is just more
extreme in me.
I can party like mad for a week and be Mr Sociable, then I’ll sit in and tape every Jamie Oliver
30-Minute Meals
show, and spend a week cooking and getting them
perfect.
Not speaking to a single person, just making myself good at that.
Then the next week I will be out partying again.
Is that normal?
I don’t know.
But it is me.

As for Lauren – well, we got it on again in series seven, although that hadn’t been my plan!
But when we had a barn dance and I saw her I realized I really wanted
to talk to her, apologize for everything and check that she was doing OK – basically just have an adult conversation, and enjoy being in her company again.
So after filming I said, ‘Can
we meet tomorrow and talk?’
and I walked her down to her car by my front gate.
I just felt really excited being with her and by the time I was saying goodbye I went in for a kiss, and it
turned into a proper one.
Then I turned round and saw the camera crew had spotted us and were filming, but we had been so caught up in each other, we hadn’t even noticed.

When she got in she called me and we were on the phone for about an hour, just catching up and chatting about anything.
We talked about getting back together, but both of us said that we
shouldn’t as there was a reason it hadn’t worked the first time.
But then the day after, she came over and we had sex.
We both knew it was only sex, though.
It was like we had missed it
with each other, and that one day of sex got rid of any awkwardness between us, and we have been really close ever since.

Then the live show happened.
Producers thought it would be a good way to shake things up and prove to people how real and in the moment
TOWIE
actually is.
It was based around an evening
that Arg had organized, a charity showcase.

I offered to sing a cover of Dean Martin’s hit song ‘Ain’t That A Kick In The Head?’, and I was so scared.
If I hadn’t been sitting down on a chair on stage, I
would have fallen over.
I didn’t know what I was doing at all, and I completely messed up my words, but I carried on, and I was really proud of myself for that.
I think the adrenalin that
normally kicks in when I panic worked in the right way this time, and kept me going and enjoying it on some level, rather than wanting to run off the stage and collapse!

The hardest bit that night must have been the conversation between Joey and Sam about their future.
It was so awkward, and such a private conversation to be having in front of a million viewers.
I felt bad for Joey, and could see him crumbling, but was glad that it was him this time, and not me and Lauren!

The high point for me, though, was when Lauren was talking about having sex with me.
She said I had always been good, but had got even better.
I got some serious man points for that!

As for women, there has been no one special in my life for a good while.
But there was one famous singer who got right inside my head, and who made me really curious about her,
then bang, she disappeared .
.
.
That lady was Rita Ora.

On Twitter in the autumn I wrote a list of my top five hottest women in the world, and she was in the number one slot.
I’ve always been a massive fan of both her music and her looks.
Next
thing I knew she was following me!
So I took the plunge, thought, ‘Fuck it, nothing to lose,’ and I private messaged her.
And she messaged back, and we kept chatting.
Nothing too full
on, just a bit of flirting.

Then I was at the O2 in London doing a gig and met her backstage.
She was being pulled through, but stopped for a minute to say ‘hi’ and she grabbed my arms and said, ‘Cor, you
are big,’ winked, and was on her way.

It was all so surreal, but I decided to move it up a level, so I sent her my number.
A few days later I was in bed and got a missed call from a number that I didn’t recognize.
I texted,
‘Who is this?’

And got a reply: ‘Answer the phone next time and you will find out.’

So of course I did, and it was her.
I was like, ‘Are you messing?
I’m actually talking to Rita Ora!’

And that was it.
She called me all the time, and we would chat for ages, and had really good banter and were flirting loads.
I had seen in the papers that she was supposed to be dating Rob
Kardashian, but she made a real point of telling me she didn’t have a boyfriend.

Then she phoned me as she was on her way to the MTV EMA awards in Frankfurt where she was going to perform, and talked to me right until she was on the plane and the phone cut out.
Then she
called as soon as she landed in Germany and said, ‘I actually really like you, despite us only talking on the phone.
Why don’t you fly out to Frankfurt and join me?’

And I sat there in total panic, thinking, ‘Do I, don’t I?
I really want to, that is any man’s dream!
But does that make me look desperate?!’
So in the end I said I
couldn’t, but would love to see her when she was back in the UK.

And she said, ‘Fine, I’ll be back in a week.
It will be too mad if we go out, but how about you come round mine and watch a film the day after I’m home?’

I couldn’t believe it was happening!
And we kept talking right until she was heading back to London, and she said she would text me when she landed.
Then, no word.
She had been so on it I
even had a moment of thinking her plane had crashed – what other explanation could there be?!

So then, well, I guess I pestered her for a couple of weeks, because I didn’t understand what had happened, texting and messaging her on Twitter.
Until eventually I just said, ‘You
are messing with my head, no idea what is happening, but I give up!’

And she replied, ‘I’m sorry, but there is a lot coming up for me at the moment, I can’t really talk.’

And then a couple of days later all the stories came out in the paper about her breaking up with Rob, and him tweeting, accusing her of sleeping with twenty guys while she was with him.
Maybe if
the timing had been better, I would have been guy number twenty-one!

I think she is a great girl, and would still go on that date in a heartbeat.
She still follows me on Twitter, so you never know .
.
.

The Future

As for the future, well, I’m not too sure which way I am headed.
I have become mates with Danny Dyer, who I have always thought was an incredible actor.
Not only that,
but we are very similar.
I look at him and see someone with a past very much like mine, and I see him as me in ten years’ time, with more knowledge of himself and understanding of the world.
He has become like an older brother to me, and I think he sees himself in me too.

Danny has been encouraging me to give acting a go, and I recently tried out for a film role to star alongside him, which would be amazing.
I got really positive feedback from the producers, so
fingers crossed for that.

I am also looking at designing my own clothing range and have begun gathering together ideas for that.
I love fashion and clothes, so I think it would be something really good to get involved
in.
I am really into visual stuff, so I think I could come up with a great range for men.
When it comes to any maths or measurements, though, I will be sure to leave that to the actual
designers!

Most of all, though, I want to give singing a go.
I think I proved on the live episode of
TOWIE
that I have a decent voice, and I want to release a single sometime this year and see
what kind of response it gets.
I want people to judge me as a completely new singer, rather than someone who is famous and trying to record off the back of it.
I think I can prove myself the hard
way, and succeed.
Dappy has put me in touch with some useful people and if I can make that my plan for the year, I’ll be happy.
I’m an entertainer, and I want to make people smile!

While I have been finishing the book, series eight of
TOWIE
has been on television.
It started off well, and was fun to film at first.
I liked being reunited with
Joey, and ‘Team Jirk’ making its return!
And I was up for sticking with the show for the next while, because the only way for me really is Essex – whether it’s Brentwood or
Grays.

But then things started getting weird and all these doubts kicked in.
I was shocked when I thought that Lauren might be pregnant by me.
It was a head fuck!
Even though I knew that the test was
negative by the time the show went out, watching it on my sofa with my mum was awful.
That whole episode proper messed with my head.
Although it just turned out to be a scare, I was asking myself
if being on
TOWIE
was worth the mess that was going on in my head.

Then it felt – and this sounds like an odd thing to complain about, I know – that I was being made into too much of the show’s pin-up.
It felt like I was being filmed with my
top off in every scene.
Gym scenes, shower scenes, even at home on the phone.
Don’t get me wrong, it was great on one level!
But it made me think, is this all I’ve got to offer?
There
was a lot else going on in my life that they could have filmed, like me having a laugh with Joey, and looking for a new girlfriend.
But for whatever reason they didn’t.

Then Dad quit the show.
He had begun to think Sugar Hut wasn’t coming across the way he wanted, and he thought it had gone as far as it could on air.
TOWIE
was great for giving
the club a boost when it was needed in the beginning, but he wants to show everyone that Sugar Hut is a good club in itself – not just because it’s on TV – and he feels that now
is the right time to do it.
From what I have seen so far, he is really happy with his decision.
But, although it may be a coincidence, when he left the show it felt like I was in it less too.

Plus outside of the show, all my friends were telling me they thought it was time to quit.
They said, ‘You should leave while there are lots of other options out there.’
Danny was
telling me the same, and so was my dad, who could see I wasn’t happy.

For me, a major thing that was going wrong was that the show wasn’t focusing on the right kind of people.
TOWIE
used to be about kids who were at least trying to be successful
– opening their own businesses, trying to get on in life and follow their dreams.
But it seemed as if it was beginning to focus on people who had no jobs, who were just spending all day
messing around.
It wasn’t my reality, so it felt wrong for me to be a part of it.

So I sat down and had a serious think about it all.
I went over everything that I had a problem with, and thought about what would happen if I stayed or if I left.
And well, my conclusion was: I
quit.

It wasn’t an easy decision, as even when I hadn’t liked previous storylines or had struggled with the fame it had brought, I really can say I have loved my time on the show.
It has
opened some amazing doors for me.
But I think I have done the right thing by leaving, and now I am excited about what lies in the future for me.

Writing this book, I have realized just how weird my life has been.
I would never change it, though, because it has made me who I am now.
I just wish I had understood some of the things I was
going through a bit better at the time.
But today I have a bit more faith in myself to get things right.
I’ve made enough mistakes that hopefully I am learning!

As for girls .
.
.
well, I’ve always known I love them!
But writing this has made me realize a few things about the way I behave with them.
The closer they are to me the meaner I seem to
be to them.
I don’t know if that is because I’m afraid of losing someone again, the way I lost my dad, so I reject them before they can reject me.
That is just a theory.
But I can see
that I have definitely done this a few times, especially with Gemma.
She is the one girl who I have obsessed about again and again, and who I know I totally messed things up with.
I’d be so
happy if I could apologize and give things another go.
I just don’t know if she can get past the way I have behaved, and if not, well, I hope I have learned my lesson for the next amazing
girl who comes along.

One thing I do know is that I can’t wait to be a parent.
That is my absolute dream, and I hope I don’t have to wait too long.
But I know from having watched my parents that it is no
easy job.
You can do your best not to fuck it up, and I’m sure no parent sets out to make mistakes, but they do happen, and we are all human.

My mum was – and is – the absolute best mum in the world.
She grafted so hard and did everything she could to make me happy and have the best life possible.
And now I need to repay
her the best I can.
It breaks my heart that she is still living in a shit little flat, while I’m in an amazing house.
But she was ill again last year and had to stop work for a while, and it
feels like she has endless bad luck.
I go round and give her money to help out, but I want to make a real difference to her life.
If I can buy her a flat of her own in a nice area in the next year
or so, then I will be happy.

As for Dad, well, he wasn’t around while we were growing up, and no matter what he thinks about that, it was a shame.
Daniel and I missed out, but then I think so did he.
I know he had his
reasons, though, and I understand them better now I am older.
And once we got to eighteen, he definitely did his best to make up for lost time.
But still, to this day, I don’t know for sure
if he loves me because he has to, or if he loves me for me.
It would be nice to hear it from him once and for all.
But at least I have him, and I hope I have a great relationship with him for the
rest of my life.

Mum made me the nice young boy I could be, and still can be.
She is the one who taught me about being a good human being.
Dad is the one who taught me to be an adult.
Through tough love he made
me the man I am today.
And I think I needed both of them.
I know that growing where I did, living in a family where everything was nice and perfect wouldn’t have prepared me for the outside
world.
I had to fight to survive as a kid, and maybe the problems I was dealing with in my family taught me how to do that.
Maybe things happened exactly the way they were supposed to.

I don’t think people really know the Essex I’ve experienced, and I do want everyone who I’ve grown up with to understand that I’ve not forgotten my roots.
It made me who
I am today.
Not made me a doughnut or a prick or an arrogant idiot.
That’s why when people look at me and say, ‘You’re flash,’ I can answer, hand on heart, ‘I
ain’t flash, man, I’m thankful.’