Ever: The Ever Trilogy, Book One (Volume 1) (24 page)

“Can I come in?”

I snorted.
Very attractive.

“Why,
Tobias
?
Why
do you want to come in?”

“I want to talk to you, Ever, please?” I watched as he started to climb into the window. I should have stopped him, I know, but I didn’t.

“You’ve had a month to talk to me, Toby. A
month.
What could you possibly say to me now? After all this time? After … .”
Her.
I was going to say,
after her.
But I didn’t say it.

I stayed calm and kept my voice soft, but I felt like screaming at him. Why was he suddenly
here
? Was it because he’d seen me with Scott? Was it the age-old
‘if I can’t have you, no one can?’
Because that’s bullshit. The tears continued to roll silently down my cheeks.

With a light
thump,
he was inside my room, standing in front of me. His hands cradled my face. His thumbs wiped my tear-streaked cheeks.

Before I could protest, his lips were on mine. A sob escaped me, muffled by our mouths pressed together. He pulled me closer to him. With my body pressed to his, all the pain and need I’d felt for the past month began drifting away, my own weak body betraying me as I melted further and further into his kiss.

After a few long—
amazing
—moments, I stopped him. Pulling back, I placed my hands firmly on his chest and pushed him away from me.

“What the
hell,
Toby? You can’t just come in here and kiss me like that! Like nothing happened! Like I didn’t just see you at that party with
another girl
!”

“Please, Ever, it’s not what you think—”

“Oh, really? It sure
looked
like what I think.”

“I know what it looked like. I know what Ariadne
made
it look like. But it is
not
that way. Please, believe me when I tell you that we aren’t together like
that
, Ever. We haven’t been together since—” He paused.

Oh. I get it. An ex-girlfriend. That explains the familiarity between them. And the use of his full name.
Tobias.

Was she
the
ex-girlfriend? The psycho?

His hands rested on my outstretched arms, his thumbs rubbing little circles on the insides of my wrists that made it very hard to concentrate. The same sparks I used to feel with him were here again, and with every touch of his thumbs, I felt more and more alive. It was making my anger a very confusing and muddled feeling. But I held on to it anyway.
I have to remember why I’m so mad. I have to be strong.

“You know what? It’s not my business, anyway. You aren’t
mine
to claim, Toby.”

I stood there, arms stiffly extended in front of me, pushing him away, waiting for him to argue. Waiting for him to tell me he
was
mine to claim.
Please, let him say something.
I’d waited for this moment for so long now, the moment when he returned and everything was
fixed
. But in none of the scenarios I’d imagined in my head had I ever pictured myself walking into a party and seeing him with
someone else
. That thought caused a pained groan to slip past my lips
. So much for composure.

He winced at the sound.

“I haven’t seen Ariadne in years, Ever. Honestly. She’s here for work, and she’s convinced herself that she and I will get back together. It’s not going to happen. I don’t want Ariadne. I want
you,
Ever. I left the party and came straight here. I
want
to be yours to claim. Please, tell me how I can fix this.”

My heart fluttered at his words. He wanted to fix this, fix
us
. I wanted to let him. But I couldn’t give in yet, and I was briefly shocked when my mouth opened and I said the words I
should
be saying, not portraying any of the excitement I was actually starting to feel.

”
Fix it,
Toby, really? Fix it? I
needed
you. My dad had just—” I stopped myself, unable to finish. “Toby, you haven’t called or come over in a
month.
”

He lowered his head and sighed. “I know. It’s been … it’s just … I know I should have called, Ever. I
know
. I should have been here for you. And I should have done something—
anything
—to find a way to make it work between us. But then, a few days passed, and I felt so guilty … and pretty soon it had been another few days, and I just didn’t know how to fix it … I don’t know what to say, Ever. I screwed up.”

“Yeah,” I scoffed, “That’s putting it mildly, Toby. But … I don’t understand what happened.
Why
did you do it?”

“I … I thought it would be best, Ever. For you. I saw how much pain you were in, and I knew I could never take being the cause of that kind of pain. I freaked out. So I left.”

“Toby, what you did …
leaving
me when you did …
that
caused so much more pain than you can even imagine. That … you … .” I shook my head, unable to say the words aloud.

You broke me.

I kept that part to myself.

“I told myself I didn’t deserve you. I figured that if I left right then, you’d be mad at me for a minute, maybe even hate me, but then you’d get over it. You’d see how wrong I was for you … you’d move on and—”

“Move on?”

I haven’t moved on at all.

“I’m so sorry, Ever. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I made a huge mistake. Please. Please, forgive me. Let me back in.”

His apology still didn’t explain why he hadn’t called, or come by, or even fought to keep me. How could he have gone this whole month without seeing me? Was he in pain all this time? Had he been hurting like I had been?

I must have relaxed my arms while I was thinking because there he was again, his breath in my face and the lingering smell of his soap on his skin, playing with my senses. I was weakening, and my anger was subsiding. I fought to hold on to that anger, to hold on to what little control I had.

“I love you, Ever. God, I love you so much. I’ve been crazy without you.”

And there it went. All of my control was gone in an instant.

He loves me.

I inhaled a quick, ragged breath, and more tears streamed down my face. Toby began kissing my cheeks. Relief flooded me, and I just continued to cry. I was letting go of all the pain of the past month without Toby, and I realized that more pain from my dad’s death was slowly creeping its way to the surface again as well.

Toby led me to the bed and held me while I cried. Just like that last night we’d been together in my room. And just like that last night, I soon became very aware of Toby’s body—so close to mine—and I wanted to feel
all
of him. The heat from the points where our skin connected swam through my body, and before long, I was crawling on top of him, hungry for more of his kiss and wanting nothing more than to lose myself in him. It was as though a hunger took over me and I
had
to make up for all of that lost time.

He pulled me down on top of him and held my face to his as he kissed me in that powerful, no holds barred way of his. Weaving his hands through my hair, his kisses grew passionate, needy. Slowly, he moved his hands from my head, down my back, and up under the hem of my shirt, giving me goose bumps all over and sending a quick shiver through my body.

“Are you cold?” he whispered, glancing over to the open window.

I giggled—my goose bumps had absolutely
nothing
to do with temperature—and kissed him some more. His hands continued their exploration under my shirt, and after a small struggle, my bra was undone.
Oh!
He didn’t do anything more than that though. He splayed his fingers across my bare back, feeling my naked skin under his hands, sending more shivers and heat through my veins.

He slowly turned us over, so I was lying on my back with him halfway on top of me, one of his legs positioned in between both of mine. He was propped up on one elbow, and his free hand slowly traced the features of my face. He stayed like that for a few moments, touching my face and looking into my eyes. His eyes were so dark and blue they reminded me of deep lagoons.

“I’m so sorry, Ever. I can’t believe what an idiot I was. I’ll never let anything like this happen again. I promise I will
always
fight for you.”

He traced the shape of my lips with his fingers and kissed me gently, slowly teasing my mouth with his. He gently nipped at my lower lip with his teeth, sending another welcomed chill through my body. I tangled my hands in his hair and brought his mouth down harder onto mine. I had so much lost time to make up for that I wanted to stay like that for days—our mouths pressed together, our legs tangled up, our bodies so close I felt the heat of his body through our clothes.

Pretty soon, his hand wandered again, slowly feeling the curve of my hip, down over my thigh, and up again, eventually finding its way underneath the hem of my shirt once more.

When his fingers crept their way toward my chest, exposed underneath my shirt since my bra had been unfastened, I tensed, sucking in a quick breath.
I want this. I do. I want him.
But I was nervous and scared—my broken heart warning me to be careful. He must have felt my body tense up because he slid his hand back down to my waist, resting it in the curve above my hip.

So many feelings bombarded me. Happiness at having him back in my life. Fear of letting him in again. Fear of losing him. Resentment. Excitement. Anticipation.

Anger too, but less and less as each second ticked by.

Then there were the
physical
sensations … wonderful and exciting, regardless of my responsible inner voice.

The way his hand felt on the bare, sensitive skin of my waist … the way his mouth moved with mine … the way my belly burned with expectation … the nervous beat of my heart … .

A knock on my door interrupted us, and we froze.
Oh no!

“Ever?” My mom’s voice carried softly through the door. “Are you home, sweetheart? I want to talk to you. I’m so sorry for how I’ve been behaving lately, honey … .”

I jumped up in a panic that elevated as I noticed my bra hanging haphazardly underneath my shirt. I knew I couldn’t fasten it very quickly without taking it all the way off and turning it around, so I grabbed my hoodie from the bed post and threw it on.

As I was worrying about my appearance, Toby had obviously been wise enough to realize that of all the things going on, my bra was probably the least of my worries. My mom was about to find a guy in my room. By the time that all dawned on me, however, Toby had already tiptoed to the window and was halfway out. He looked back at me with a devilish smile on his face, then turned to leave.

Luckily, my mom had been talking the whole time, so focused on her apology that she hadn’t heard my movements, or Toby’s escape efforts, and apparently hadn’t thought to just walk right in like she normally did.

I opened the door, and her relieved grin told me she really needed to get this apology off her chest. I soon realized how relieved I was, as well. My mom’s grief-stricken funk had really taken a toll on me—more so than I had even realized before now. She had always been so cheerful and happy, and I knew that though she’d never be quite the same as she was with my dad, I really,
really
wanted to see her smile again.

And sure, avoiding the motherly talks after my break-up with Toby had been nice, but was that really what I wanted? To deal with it completely on my own? No. I hadn’t wanted that at all.

I missed my dad—more than I could begin to put into words—but I didn’t want to miss my mom anymore.

The surprise visit from Sharon and Bonnie had been just what she needed to break out of the depression that I couldn’t help her break out of.

I didn’t care what or who it was that finally made her snap out of it; I was just grateful that she seemed ready to move forward.

“It will be hard, Ever, for both of us, but Daddy wouldn’t want either one of us sulking, and he surely wouldn’t want you to have to take care of me. I’m the mother here, and I need to be what you need me to be. That’s what Daddy would want. No more role reversals here.”

“Mom, you’ve always been a good mother, and I understand that you needed some … um, time … away from life. It’s okay, really. I didn’t mind taking over the chores and stuff.”

“Well, I appreciate that, honey, but it stops now. Well, not completely, of course—I mean, all kids need
some
responsibility, right?” She winked and smoothed my messy hair a bit.

My cheeks heated up as I thought about
why
my hair was so messy right now.

“By the way, how’s that boy from next door? Toby, right?”

I was weary of her quick subject change, my guilt flaring up and making me feel like she could somehow sense he’d just been there. Before I could shake myself of my momentary stupor, she continued.

“Are you two still … dating?”

I knew the word “dating” was difficult for her to get out, seeing how uncomfortable she’d been from the beginning of my relationship with Toby, but what shocked me wasn’t her struggle with the word, but the fact that she was completely unaware that he’d been out of my life for the past month.

“Um, well … it’s sort of … um …
complicated
right now, Mom.”

“Well yes, complicated. I understand. That’s how it is when we’re young. You’ll figure it out.” She gazed off into the distance, and I could tell she’d expended her energy for the night. It would probably just come back in little spurts for a while now anyway.

I hugged and kissed her goodnight, relieved she was beginning to find a way out of her funk. I closed the door again, then walked to the window. I looked outside, squinting at the darkness, hoping Toby was nearby waiting to crawl back inside. I still felt the excitement of having him back in my life and wanted to feel the warmth of having our bodies so close together again, so I was disappointed when I didn’t see him waiting outside my window.