Everlasting (Night Watchmen, #1) (35 page)

“Your parents knew what they were getting themselves into. They knew there would be risks. Your mother was trying to protect you...we were trying to protect you from this. I only gave you the book in hopes that you would figure out who you really were and the truth about what was in your Grimoire. I thought maybe if you realized, then you would be able to keep it safe. I thought your mother would have indirectly prepared you for this, but I guess I was wrong.”

I can’t even look at him because I’m shaking so badly. To even think…to even speak…

Questions fire off around the room, all sounding too far away for me to even try to comprehend. Do I even know my mother? Was every moment, every kind word, a lie? No. I know she loves me, but I can’t keep the feeling of betrayal from crystallizing my heart into something irreparable. I can’t stop the need to explode from settling into my fists, arming them with the strength to destroy.

Mack puts his hand up, silencing the room with one look. I sit there, trying to digest it all. It’s like trying to swallow dirt and shards of glass; gritty and painful. They’re waiting for me to speak, to give them a leg to stand on.

I clear my throat. “Despite the risks, I have to try. For my parents,” I grit out. Jaxen stiffens. The rest of them huff, or suck their teeth, or sigh heavily. They all feared I would say this. They all knew I wouldn’t quit for the sake of being safe.

“They won’t stop with your parents, Faye,” Weldon says, staring off. “You asked me about how I got in and out of the Underground. Well, here’s the truth. I made a deal with a Demon.”

Mack’s head hangs at the admittance.

“It was my only option, because the only other way starts with that half of the Dagger right there.” He points to it. “And now that it’s surfaced, there’s no going back. This is only the beginning. This is the bargain before the war, their attempt at a fake treaty. Even if we don’t help her find the other half of the Dagger, they’ll continue to search for it and they’ll take her anyway. We’re better off helping her and hoping to overthrow them before this gets out of hand.”

I look over at him. I’m an ocean of gratitude.

Jaxen’s body is rigid. I swear if someone tapped him with a hammer he would shatter into a million pieces. “There has to be another way. We can send the Elite in. They can head this off.”

“Despite what my brother has said, their numbers will be stronger. They wouldn’t have shown themselves if they weren’t ready,” Weldon points out. “You know this, Jaxen. Don’t let your feelings for her cloud your judgment.”

Jaxen’s a raging bull, aiming for Weldon’s red cape. “We can’t put her in this kind of danger.”

“She’s already in danger.”

They’re both on their feet now, chests out and fists ready.

Gavin stands up and worms his way in between them. “Why don’t we take a breather? We’re all exhausted from last night and from this overload of information.” He turns to Mack. “I wish you would have just come out and said this from the beginning.”

“I couldn’t. I still shouldn’t, but they’re leaving me no choice. After last night, after the attack in the school, it’s clear this is nothing to be brushed under the rug. Faye has half of the blade.” He points to the cloth it’s wrapped in on the table. “And we must find the other half before they do.”

“How do you suppose we do that?” Gavin asks.

“I don’t know. I have to do some digging and speak with the High Priesthood. I’ll have more for you tomorrow.”

“That’s it?” Gavin asks.

I’m still stuck on the fact that he knew, and my mother knew, and all of this has been just one big secret kept from me.

Mack raises his brow. “Were you expecting something more? This is just as much news to me as it is to you. There’s still a procedure to follow. I have to inform the Coven of this before we can make a move. I also need time to gather up a plan for you. It’s not like the Dagger will be an easy feat. It was hidden by Alesteria. For the time being, remain on campus. That way I can get in touch easily. I’ll summon you when I have word.”

My mind’s racing to keep up with his words, with everything he’s saying. “No,” I hear myself say, softly at first. No one hears me. No one notices my panic. “NO,” I say louder, this time stopping everyone as I stand. “You can’t just get away with it that easily.” My eyes fall on Mack, accusing, jeering him. “You can’t just take someone’s life and keep it a secret from them.”

“Faye,” Jaxen says, squeezing my hand again, but I pull away.

I take a step toward Mack. “You knew this whole time about my mother, about the Dagger, about who I am and what’s really going on, and you never said a word. You were both wrong in thinking I couldn’t handle this. If I had known, then maybe I could have hid it better. Maybe so many lives wouldn’t have been lost. Maybe my parents would still be here!” I drop my voice and fill my eyes with every bad thought flowing through my mind. “Shame on you.”

I turn away from him, leaving him with his mouth wide open. Gavin stands, followed by Cassie and Jezi. I’m the last to catch on, but stand, staring off. I have nothing left to say. My fate is sealed. It was the moment I decided I didn’t want to be a Defect.

We walk out of Mack’s office, but I don’t get two feet before Jaxen has me pinned against the wall, his veins taut in his neck. “Even if he finds the other half of the missing Dagger, you still can’t think, even for a second, that it’s safe to make a deal with the Darkyns. You can’t, for a second, think that everything will be okay if you hand this over just to save your parents,” Jaxen says, holding me by my arms.

“I’ll do what I have to,” I say, staring him straight in the eyes. “If it was your parents, you’ d do the same.”

“So if they tell you to jump into the fiery pits of Hell, you’ll do it? ‘Cause that’s what they will ask of you…and more. You might as well already call yourself one of them.” He lets me go and looks off to the side, his face stone cold. His jaw clenches in and out, and I can imagine the words rumbling through his mind.

My eye twitches. “What are you implying?” I ask, my voice shaking, straining to maintain control.

He doesn’t respond. He doesn’t have to. The look on his face says it all. The clench of his jaw, the harsh, betrayed look in his eyes, the flex of his crossed arms, the rigid posture…it speaks louder than words, and it doesn’t make me think any less of my decision.

After the others have disappeared down the hallway, I walk forward, unable to bear another moment under his judgmental gaze, but he grabs my arm and swings me to face him. I can’t hold my tongue any longer. “Just because your mother left you doesn’t mean that every other woman in the world will do the same. It doesn’t mean that every other woman is just as untrustworthy. I know she was your example, and what she did was wrong, but stop comparing me to her.”

Shock ripples over his face as his grip on my arm softens. I don’t think either of us was prepared for me to go there. From the moment I found out about his mother, I knew his issues stemmed from that, and I knew his reservations were much deeper than his death curse. I just never thought I would vocalize my realizations.

I inhale deeply and cross my arm over my chest, holding on to the other one. “What I mean is, I don’t, and never have had, any intention of betraying anyone or joining the Darkyn Coven, but if you keep doubting me, then this will never work between us.”

I leave him standing there to stew on what I said, and make my way back to my room. Classes are in session, so I know finding Katie to vent is out of the question. The past twenty-four hours have been more than I can handle. Somewhere between my tears and scattered thoughts, I drift off to sleep with Midnight curled up beside me.

I
wake to a knock
on my door. Midnight’s head lifts up off my chest, his tail flicking at the air. I glance over his head at the clock. “It’s almost midnight, Midnight.” A second later, it hits me. I jolt upright, my heart thundering against my chest. Something’s wrong. I slide my sweat pants on, pull a tank top over my sports bra, and make my way over to the door in one swift movement before opening it.

“Jaxen? Is everything okay?” He looks exhausted
… almost gray-faced.

He walks right past me and I shut the door, locking it behind him. “I couldn’t sleep,” he says, sounding upset. He takes his shoes off and leaves them by the door, then pulls his shirt over his head, leaving him in nothing but black sweatpants, sweatpants that can easily be slid off. I blush at the thought.

“By all means, make yourself comfortable,” I say a little snarkier than I had intended. I walk past him, keeping my eyes straight ahead to stop myself from grazing over his perfectly sculpted body, and climb back into bed. Midnight has moved to the spot where I had been laying, sucking up all the residual warmth. I pick him up and set him on the floor.

“The last I checked, I wasn’t trustworthy. Remember? I can’t help you with your sleep issues, so if that’s all you’re here for, then please leave,” I say evenly. Somehow,
against my better judgment, my gaze meets his across the room. Nothing but silvery light pours in through the window, leaving shadows for the heart to hide behind. I suck in a breath when our gaze connects. His green eyes are two wishing wells waiting for me to spill my inner most secrets.

But then his words surface from earlier, and I realize there are no wishes to be made.

I pull the covers up to my ears, training my eyes on the bathroom door. His steps carry around the bed, and then the mattress dips and creaks, the sound awakening heat in every part of me that yearns for his touch. I can’t tell if my body leans into him from the weight difference, or from my subconscious need to be close to him, but it does, and I do nothing to change it.

I realize I’m holding my breath the moment his hand slides under the covers and over my waist. The air jerks out of my lungs, every muscle in my being tensing from his touch. His fingers are cold from the frosty air, and bumps rise along my skin, causing me to shudder. He pauses from the motion, waiting for his hand to warm from my skin. His breath brushes along the back of my neck, transforming the goose bumps from the chill into signs of anticipation, anticipation I shouldn’t be allowing myself to feel.

I can’t think straight. I can’t make him leave even though I should.

I swallow, and he pushes his hand the rest of the way until it’s completely under my shirt. His thumb grazes over my ribs. There’s too much fabric between us. There are too many thoughts between us. I never knew such a small, innocent touch could have such a huge impact on my senses, but in the dark, it feels like everything is heightened. Lazily, he trails his fingers in small circles, each one driving me further and further into a lust-filled stupor.

He scoots closer to me, pressing himself against me and sharing his warmth. “You do know how you can help me,” he says huskily, nuzzling his lips against my ear and neck. His breath is so warm and minty, and his lips are so close to mine. All I have to do is turn and I’ll be touching them. I want to so badly. I want to drown in his touch and surface in his kiss. I want…I want him.

“How’s that?” I breathe out, counting the uneven, jagged seconds between breaths. My eyes are closed, savoring every moment of his touch. The stubble along his jaw scratches pleasantly against my ear when he moves. He scoots even closer, his hand drifting up the side of my ribcage, taking its time to trail each and every undiscovered part of skin. Thrilling spikes of anticipation melt my insides.

“By letting me hold you. By letting me be near you. By letting me apologize, and by understanding that I understand. You were right. I don’t want to die alone. I want to trust you. I do…trust you.”

He pulls me closer against him and settles into the bed. Why did he stop? I can’t understand it. My skin is crawling with lust and want, wanting him to explore, wanting to be explored. I want to drift into the unknown with him. I want to lose myself without thinking first. I want everything I’ve never had.

I roll in his arms, our noses grazing each other in the dark. My hands find his face, and my fingers trace the perfectly carved contour of his cheekbone and jawline. “I won’t let you die,” I say.

His fingers find my face and make their way around, tracing down the slope of my nose and stopping over my lips. “And I won’t let you die either.” He kisses me softly, tenderly, his hands making their way into my hair. They slide down to cup my face, holding me in place and keeping me from fallin
g off the edge of the earth. I’m a galaxy of expired stars exploding beneath his kiss.

He slows the kiss to a stop and pulls me closer, wrapping me inside his arms. “I don’t know how I managed to deserve you.” Although I want him more than I’ve ever wanted anything, there’s something about him just wanting to be close to me, to hold me close so he can sleep, that stitches wings to my heart. It was only a matter of time until he set it free.

When I wake the next
morning, the night before flashes in my mind like the edges of a dream, but when I roll over, I find bright green eyes like the lushest grass I’ve ever seen, and I want to lay in them and bask in the sun. He blinks once, twice, and then offers me a smoldering smile I want to kiss into my soul.

“Good morning,” he says, pulling his head back a little.

I smile at him. “Hang on.” I roll out of bed and nearly trip over Midnight who’s curled up on the floor. Jaxen chuckles, and I shut the bathroom door behind me, pressing the back of my head against it. He’s still in my bed. He’s still in my bed and he’s so deliciously tempting. I rush over to the sink and squeeze toothpaste onto my toothbrush and get to brushing. I can’t kiss him with morning breath.

I straighten my hair out as best as I can without looking like I tried to fix it, and then open the door. He’s standing at the foot of my bed, sliding his shirt on. My mouth goes dry as the last of the fabric covers his ripped stomach. He looks up at me and crosses the room, wrapping his arm around the small of my back.

I open my mouth to speak, but he locks the words in my throat when he presses his lips against mine. My back meets the wall, and his hand finds my leg. He lifts me up, wrapping me around him and pinning me between him and the wall. I’m a mess of scattered kisses and soft moans. My fingers delve through his hair, and his fingers grip my back.

He groans inside the kiss, and then deepens it with a soft flick of his tongue. I kiss him urgently, impatiently, tugging where I can reach at his shirt, wanting nothing in between us. He cups my bottom, and then carries me over to the bed. With a solid, full, deep kiss, he slowly lowers me to the bed, his intense gaze never leaving mine.

Shudders of pleasure rush over my skin when our shirts are pulled off and our flesh meets for the first time. He lowers the rest of his weight against me and moves his lips past mine, down to my neck where he lingers, taking his time to kiss and explore. I want to cry out. I want to be closer. I need to be closer. I move against him, dragging my hands down the long muscled slope of his back, and smile as he shudders against me.

His lips move further with every inch I trail, down to my collarbone and on past. I arch up against his body, wanting him to bridge the gap between his lips and my chest. He groans again when I do this, the sound throaty and full of want, sparking heat
between my legs. Never in my life have I ever experienced this, and never in my life have I ever wanted it more.

His lips hover just above my chest, and then his eyes flick up to mine, locking me in place. Slowly, his fingers tug at the strap of my bra, sliding it down inch by agonizing inch. I’m frozen. I’m under his spell where I want to stay forever. We’re both shuddering against each other, our breath uneven and loud.

He reaches for the other strap. “Are you sure?”

I blink. I don’t even have to think. I nod, too afraid to speak. I’m afraid that this moment will end. I’m afraid that my thoughts will take flight and stop me from making this decision, stop me from losing my virtue. He starts to pull the strap the rest of the way down when his phone goes off. His eyes close, dispelling the state of surrender I’m in.

He clenches his jaw, kisses my lips passionately, and then rolls off of me, pulling the phone from his pocket. “Yeah?” He pauses. “Okay.” Another pause and an eye roll to the ceiling. “Yeah, we’ll be down in ten.” The phone clicks and he turns to me, looking me over in awe. “I’m sorry for that. The interruption, I mean. Not the…well…” I think he blushes.

I pull my straps back up and sit up. “It’s okay,” I say, trying to keep from blushing, but my cheeks betray me.

“Can I…?” He pauses and shifts on the bed to face me better. He takes my hands in his, stopping me from grabbing my shirt. “Can I ask you something? Something personal?”

My blush deepens. “Yeah.”

“Have you ever, you know…?”

I smile. “Are you asking if I’ve had sex before, Jaxen Gramm?” I’m surprised by how easily the words slip out.

He laughs and rubs the back of his neck. “I guess I am.”

“No. You?”

He looks up at me, and his eyes have gone serious again, penetrating to my soul. “No.”

I hold my face in place even though, on the inside, a million questions fire up. How has someone as gorgeous as he never had sex before? How could someone with hands like his, hands that melt through my skin, never have touched a woman in that manner? How could someone with lips that sear away every doubt and fill me with life never have known a woman? Not to mention that he is partner to a woman in love with him, a beautiful woman. And he is older than me too. Four years older. It just doesn’t seem…

His fingers are under my chin, pulling my focus back to him. “Faye, I’ve never allowed myself to be close to anyone. That stands for all aspects, physical, emotional, mental. It just didn’t seem right. But you…” He leans down and kisses me once and I relax into him. “You’re exactly what I want and need in my life. I only brought this up because I feel there are things we should talk about, know about, before we go any further.”

“I know,” I say, feeling slightly ashamed that I wanted it to go further so early on. We have only just allowed ourselves to be open about our feelings, and we hardly know each other, at least, not in the ways that count. The pull of the affinity bond has taken over my control. I need to take it back.

He caresses my face, running his fingers over my frown. “Not that I don’t want to, because believe me…” his eyes find my lips, “you’re something I’ll never get enough of, and you’re something I could never resist. I just want to respect you and respect us.”

“Us?” One word has the power to vaporize my frown. I smile, leaning closer to his mouth.

He grants me the kiss I seek and smiles back. “Yes, us. Together,” he says with finality. He leans back and clears his throat. He ruffles his hand through his hair, and then runs them along his thighs, pulling himself back from the edges of our shared insanity. “Umm…that was Weldon on the phone. He wants to meet us. He has something to tell us before Mack returns.” He stands up. “I think we should get going, or else we might never leave.” He looks at the bed and smiles. “I’ll be just outside.

After I change into a fresh pair of clothes, I open the door. Midnight rushes out of the room and down the hall, disappearing out the front door as one of the Elders enters. I try to call after him, but it’s of no use. He’s gone.

“Where do you think he’ll go?” I ask Jaxen as we walk to meet everyone outside the fight training room. I can’t keep my eyes from scanning for him.

“I don’t know, but hopefully he stays warm,” he says distantly, looking out into the storm.

The snow falls in an angry flurry, pushing against us as we make our way to the gymnasium. I want to rush back into my room where the bed is waiting. I want to be in his arms, ignorant of all that’s happening around us.

“Remind me why we’re out in this storm again? The whole school is shut down today,” I say. I know I should turn everything off to avoid the cold, but I can’t bring myself to. I want to feel the pain. I want to feel the way my skin warms under his touch. I want to feel.