Every Boy's Got One (39 page)

To: Listserv

Fr: Peter Schumacher

Re: JANE HARRIS

FANTASTIC NEWS, KIDS!!!! There is going to be a wedding after all!

This just in:

JANE HARRIS has driven all the way to Roma to get the APOSTILLE that her friends need to have the marriage! YES! She walked in at approximately 21:00 hours, while my grandmother and I were sitting at the banquet table in the villa, trying to get JANE HARRIS’s friends, who ate of the bad oysters but were finally starting to feel better, to drink some soup.

In walks JANE HARRIS holding up the APOSTILLE! The wedding will go on tomorrow morning as planned! The friends of JANE HARRIS, even though they are both still sickly, jump up and shout for joy! And JANE HARRIS says, “This is my wedding present to you!”

It is the best wedding present anyone has ever given to anyone, declares JANE HARRIS’s friend Holly.

My grandmother opens the bottle of champagne to celebrate.

So come one, come all, to the Ufficio of the Secretario of Castelfidardo tomorrow morning at 9:00!

This is Peter, #1 Fan of Wundercat, saying GOOD NIGHT!

Wundercat lives—4eva!

Peter

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Darrin Caputo

Re: Hello, it is your mother

Holly, this is your mother. Something horrible has happened. Your brother Darrin is going to get married. To a man. On the steps of City Hall. Where everyone will see.

You must come home at once. You know your brother has never listened to me or anyone else in this family. You must stop him from doing this. I cannot allow a child of mine to disgrace himself in this way.

I am begging you to talk your brother out of this crazy scheme. Perhaps Mark can help, as well. He’s a doctor, surely he must know how wrong it is to flagrantly defy the law in this way.

Counting on you to come home and do the right thing by your poor, confused brother,

Your mother

PDA of Cal Langdon

I was right from the beginning. From the moment I first laid eyes on her—holding all those water bottles in the duty free shop back at JFK— I thought to myself, “There’s a nut case.”

I called it.

And yet… she made some very miserable people very happy tonight. I never saw a bigger pair of sadsacks than Holly and Mark, slumped at that giant dining table, when we walked through the door tonight. Mark, of course, looked particularly lost, since he’s blind as a bat without his glasses. I walked in and handed them to him—I actually had to put them on his head, since he couldn’t even see me holding them out to him—and then Jane slapped that form onto the table with a big, “Here’s your wedding present.”

I actually thought Frau Schumacher might have a heart attack, she was so excited.

And to tell you the truth, it was a little upsetting, because I could picture myself, having to give her mouth-to-mouth to revive her, while Mark pounded on her chest. And I have the disturbing idea—maybe from the way the woman hangs on my every word (though surely this is because I’m the only one here who speaks German?)—that if she came to and found my lips on hers, even giving her the breath of life, she might actually… well, sort of enjoy it. Maybe even slip me the tongue.

Could it be that Jane is right? Could there possibly be something to her theory that marriage is all right for some people—that it didn’t work out for Valerie and me because Valerie was… well, a “ho”?

This seems an oversimplification of the problems Valerie and I had.

And yet…

Well, marriage certainly seems like it might be all right for Mark and Holly. They’re happy enough about it, jumping around as much as they can, considering their still queasy stomachs. I have to say, I can’t understand how anybody could be as delighted as they are at the prospect of being married by the socialist mayor of a town devoted to accordion construction, thousands of miles from their families.

But maybe there’s something romantic about it that I’m missing. Valerie always accused me of not being romantic enough. The sewing machine I got her for Valentine’s Day was always a bone of contention. She said she’d have preferred a diamond tennis bracelet.

But I thought a sewing machine was a much more practical gift, considering how much she was spending on clothes…

Now Holly’s grabbed Jane and the two of them—followed closely by Frau Schumacher, who seems fairly spry for her age and apparently doesn’t like to be left out of anything—have disappeared, apparently in a panicked quest to ease the wrinkles out of the wedding gown none of the rest of us is allowed to see.

With the girls otherwise occupied, Peter and I attempted to throw perhaps the lamest, most pathetic bachelor party in the history of time for Mark. Lame because of course the groom is so weak from food poisoning he can barely lift his glass to his lips. Pathetic because the only entertainment are the stray cats from last night, back for another helping of fish.

That’s right. No lap dances or kamikazes for Mark.

But perhaps this is fitting for a man who has chosen such a perverse—and yet strangely right—place to wed.

Now Mark’s staggered back upstairs to bed—interrupting the girls while Holly was trying on the wedding gown, judging from the indignant screams I just heard floating down from the window—leaving me alone with young Peter, who just asked me if I thought Jane Harris would be back down, or if I thought she’d go straight to bed.

How touching that this young man believes I am in any way privy to Ms. Harris’s private thoughts or intentions. As this is an entirely erroneous assumption, however, I was forced to inform him that I did not, in fact, know.

Then the little malcontent had the nerve to look in my eye and ask me just what, precisely, were my intentions toward the lady in question.

Not in so many words, of course. His exact phrasing, uttered in a highly disapproving tone, was, “Are you and Jane Harris lowers?” by which I am assuming he meant lovers. I can’t say I cared for the smug look that crept over the kid’s face when I told him that we most certainly were not.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so adamant?

At least he didn’t say anything. Instead, he calmly produced a deck of cards from the back pocket of his jeans and asked if I cared to play a game of War.

Reduced to spending a beautiful, starlit night along the Adriatic coast playing War with a German teenager.

I can’t help wondering if the man at the consulate’s office wasn’t right this afternoon when he expressed his belief that it’s better to have a corpse in the house than a man from Le Marche. Not that there happen to be any of those in the vicinity. Just that… well, this place seems to dothings to otherwise normal people.…

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mary Langdon < [email protected]>

Re: Thank You

Oh my God, Cal, thanks for the money. I really needed it. Jeff (the guy who owned the van) turned out to be a total psycho. He kicked me out just because he happened to catch me talking to another guy. I don’t know who he thinks he is, anyway—the freaking Taliban? God, I hate it when guys think they own me.

But it’s cool because I hooked up with this awesome group of ski-boarders. They’ve even got a spare room I can crash in. One of them, Malcolm, showed me how to ride the halfpipe. He let me use one of his boards and everything. He says he thinks I might have a lot of natural talent. Who knows? Maybe boarding’s been my calling all along, and I just never knew it, because Mom and Dad always made us go on those stupid beach vacations, instead of taking us skiing, like normal parents.

Anyway, thanks again for the cash.

More later,

Mare

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Ruth Levine

Re: Hello!

Hi, Cal! I don’t mean to be a pest, but I was just wondering if you got my earlier email, and if you’d had a chance to consider what I said in it. About Mark and Holly. I know you’re with Mark right now, and I was hoping you’d had a chance to speak to him about it. For reasons I’d rather not go into just now, he and I aren’t really speaking at the moment. Or rather, I’m speaking to him, but he appears to be put out with me. I know it will blow over soon—you know Mark and his moods. But I just hope that, in the meantime, you’ll keep an eye on him, and keep him from doing anything… well, rash.

I certainly don’t mean I think he’s going to KILL himself because he got into an argument with his mother, of course. By rash I just mean… well, I don’t know—PROPOSE to her, or something. Holly, I mean. Not that I don’t like her or wouldn’t want her as a daughter-in-law. She’s a perfectly affable girl. It’s just that she’s not one of
us
.

Anyway, I don’t mean to spoil your nice vacation with my constant emails. I hope you’re having a good time. I just also hope that if, you know, you find yourself in a position to maybe give Mark a little dose of reality about how difficult it can be to make a marriage work—especially when two people come from such different cultures as he and Holly do—I’d really appreciate it.

Affectionately,

Ruth Levine