Every Day is Like Doomsday (5 page)

Innya waited outside for Elliot to leave the building and then fell into step beside him. “Where are you
going?” she asked.

“What were you thinking?” Elliot replied. He didn’t
seem to be walking very close to her. She wondered if it was
because she had just showed her naked breasts to a room full
of people that he wouldn’t even look her in the eye.

Innya shrugged. “They’re just boobs. And he was
going to kill you.”
“He wouldn’t have killed me,” Elliot said, but she
could hear the doubt in his voice.
She couldn’t let this delusion continue. He had to
either get with the program or give up and get murdered.
Innya stopped walking and grabbed Elliot’s arm.
“Ow!”
“What the
sraka
do you think you’re doing?”
“I don’t know.I don’t know anything right now,okay?”
“Are you for real? Do you know where you are? You
are in a pit of vipers. If they sense weakness you are a
dead man. It is so obvious to me that you do not belong
here that I can’t imagine why they would think that you
do. But they do and you’re here and you need to adapt or
you will die.”
Elliot rolled his eyes. “Maybe G.O.D. is giving me
an opportunity—“
“There’s no way you actually believe that,” she cut
him off.
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Besides, G.O.D. won’t come to your rescue when
you’re being disemboweled over the toilet in the thirdfloor bathroom of your dorm.”
“Why the third floor bathroom?”
“Because it’s the dirtiest but that’s not the point.”
“Are you really looking out for me?”
“No,” she said too quickly.
“You are,” Elliot said with more than a little awe.
So she was the one the Dean had arranged to have his
back while he was at the VA. Suddenly, even though his
very existence was in jeopardy, things didn’t seem quite so
dismal anymore. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. I just don’t want your untimely
death to ruin my graduation opportunities.”
“Which are?”
“I’m going to Italy.”
“Why?”
“For starters, I’ve always wanted to topple the leaning tower.”
“Well, that’s not very nice.”
“I’m a Villain, you moron.”
“I’m not a moron.”
“You’ll be worse than that if you don’t take my

advice. You’ll be a dead moron. What I’m trying to say
is that you can’t count on me to always be there to flash
whoever is giving you grief. I won’t always be around and
so you need to step up your game if you want to survive.
Now follow me back to your room so you can drop off
your bag before lunch.”

“I’m still grateful,” Elliot said. She wanted to
smack the smile off his face and beat it into submission. At the same time deep, deep down, she admitted to
herself that it was nice to have someone to talk to again.
Even if he was a raging loser and she was getting paid
to protect him.

“Don’t make me punch you, Elliot,” she said and
walked away.
When they reached the dorm Elliot led them up
the stairs to the fourth floor and his room at the end
of the hallway. He opened the door and subsequently
tripped over the pile of junk food wrappers that were on
the floor just inside the room.
“What the hell?” Elliot said as he picked himself up
off the floor.
Innya stepped over the trash and said darkly,“Hello,
pedophile.”
Elliot’s roommate, Vlad, glared at Innya through
strands of chin-length, greasy black hair as if he wanted
to bash her brains in. He said in heavily accented English,
“Hello, bitch.”
Innya snorted. “Oooh, you’ve learned a new phrase.
Good for you. I’m sure it will help you lure in the little
children of the world.”
“Innya,” Elliot said in breathless shock.
“Whatever. He can’t understand most of what I’m
saying anyway. And he is totally a pedophile.”
“Whore.”
“Be a good boy and shut up, Vladdy,” Innya said.
Elliot offered his hand to his roommate. “Hi, Vlad.
I’m Elliot. I’m your new roommate.”
Vlad looked at the hand, then looked at Elliot, and
then turned back to the TV where Barney was singing
a song about pumpernickel bread that immediately got
stuck in Innya’s head. She started planning Vlad’s murder
in her head. It involved tying him up and making him
watch as she slowly dissolved Barney and the Teletubbies
in a vat of acid. Then, because he loved them so much,
she’d toss him into the vat, as well. It was a lovely thought.
“Don’t waste your breath,”Innya said to Elliot,“You
have pubes so he’s not interested. At least, I’m assuming
you have pubes.”
“What?” Elliot said, dumbfounded. “Well, I uh—“
“Nevermind. Come on, we’re going to be late for
lunch.”
Elliot said goodbye but Vlad didn’t even look away
from the TV Innya’s spirits lifted almost as soon as they
left the room. Vlad was just too creepy, creepier than Lester, even, and that took a lot.

Innya led the way out a back door of the dorm and
into a large open space. Elliot quickly realized that there
were three dorm buildings arranged around a central
courtyard filled with grass dead from the cold, dormant
bushes, and an empty fountain. At the north end of the
courtyard stood another building, which Elliot guessed
was the cafeteria considering all of the students were
headed in that direction.

“I didn’t bring any money,” Elliot said, refusing to
look at anything but the dead grass they were treading on.
He quickly added, “My dad must have forgotten to pack
any. Are there any ATM’s on campus?”

“It won’t be a problem,” Innya answered, “The VA
provides everything for us through our tuition.”
“Wow. That’s pretty cool, I guess. OK, so what kind
of food should I expect?” he asked. “I mean, I’m used to
school food and fast food but I’ve also had a lot of gourmet
stuff thanks to my dad,so what should I be expecting here?”
“Probably something in between McDonalds and
draagt
,”she said.The doors to the cafeteria were open and
inside it sounded like a casino.
“I don’t know what you just said but I’m guessing
it’s not good. I suppose I should find it comforting that
the food is the same no matter what school you attend.”
“Except here you have to eat on guard, which makes
it an exciting experience to say the least. Unless people
wanted to kill you at your other school, too. I can’t say I
would blame them.”
“What’s your problem?” Elliot asked, slightly
offended, then irritated with himself that he partially
agreed with her.
“What isn’t?”
They walked through the double doors side by side
and Elliot was struck by how unlike other school cafeterias this one was. First off, it was nearly devoid of human
noise. There were murmurs, to be sure, but that’s about all
that could be heard over the din of video game consoles
and their soundtracks and sound effects, and the accompanying rolling of roller balls, the button mashing, the
joystick jerking. Elliot cracked a smile at his unintended
play on words but quickly returned his expression to one
of impassivity.
All along the lengthwise walls stood video game cabinets housing the most violent and offensive video games
ever created. They were all there, “Blood on the Highway”,
“Blood Feast”, “Body Parts”, even the ones that had been
banned in all 50 states and parts of Canada and Europe,like
“I’ll Kill You in Your Sleep.”Every console was occupied and
had a line, though some lines were longer than others. He
wondered if they used the standard “a quarter on the console
saves your place in line” thing. He somehow doubted it.
“This is so cool!” he said on an exhale and felt himself relax. He was a geek and he knew it, embraced it even.
He even bet he could give some of the other Villains a
run for their money in double player mode.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” said a voice from
behind them. Elliot and Innya both turned to see Dean
Woon standing behind them.
“You wouldn’t do what?” asked Elliot. “And what
was with the pencil thing? You made me look like an
idiot.”
“Don’t do that, you creep,” said Innya. If he was
offended the emotion couldn’t surface through the shiny
veneer of his grin.
“I couldn’t resist,” he said to Elliot, ignoring Innya’s
outrage.
“Kind of lame if you ask me.”
“I didn’t. But a dastardly deed need not be impressive to be satisfying.”
Elliot sighed. He was never going to figure these
people out. “Now that you’ve had your fun do I get that
anti-mind-reading pill you gave the others?”
“No,” said the Dean. “Now, let me explain why you
can’t play these video games before you wander off and
get yourself maimed.”
Innya said, “He’s right. This isn’t like at the mall
where the loser just shrugs and moves on to a corn dog
and a different game. Villains don’t take losing very well.
There is usually blood. Do you want to bleed?”
“Um… No?”
“In her own very colorful way, she’s correct,” said
the Dean, “These machines have been specially altered
not to allow two player games, which has reduced the
amount of blood spilled and lets us remain in operation
per safe food-handling regulations.”
“You didn’t come here to talk video games, so what
do you want?” Innya asked the Dean so rudely that Elliot
actually almost said something. Then he noticed how
unpleasant her face was and realized that she must have
lost some street cred when she had to take him on. Hanging out with the Dean would certainly not do anything
for her image. So he said nothing. He had already come to
realize that in this place appearances and posturing were
even more important than in the Norm school. He had
never been that good at posturing. He wasn’t too good at
being himself, either.
“I wanted to see how my new student was doing
and how my favorite student was getting along. How are
you getting along, my dear?”
“Would be better if I didn’t have to help him out or
deal with any of these other pathetic excuses for Villains.”
Dean Woon just chuckled. “You do make me laugh.
Elliot, come see me when you get out.” And then he was
gone, slinking through the students, making droll comments to some, walking like he had oil on his shoes.
“What does that mean?” Elliot asked.
“Who knows what anything he says means?”
“He looks so much like a silent movie Villain.”
“You don’t watch movies with sound? You poor
thing,” said Innya condescendingly and then walked off
before Elliot could contradict her.
Innya led Elliot between the two rows of lunch
tables in the center of the room, which were half filled
with students eating as though their lives depended upon
it. It reminded Elliot of a nature movie he had watched
one rainy day: each baboon fiercely protective of its meal,
chasing off any interloper with bared teeth and a wicked
snarl. That’s what these Villains looked like, the girls and
boys alike, hungry baboons.
“So what’s with the games, anyway?” Elliot asked
as they grabbed thick, aluminum trays and started on the
buffet line.
“They think that playing violent games will ease
our Villainous urges and keep us from acting out against
actual people.” Innya used the tongs to put some French
fries on her plate, then some chicken nuggets that looked
a lot like the ones from McDonald’s.
Elliot assumed that she avoided the healthier foods
for a reason and loaded up his tray in the same manner.
“Doesn’t that just fly in the face of all research on violent
video games?”
“Yes. But we’re Villains. No one cares if we kill each
other as long as we don’t hurt the Norms.”
Innya picked up a small Styrofoam bowl of salad
and a packet of ranch dressing, plopped them onto her
tray, and walked toward an empty table.
He was almost to the table when he heard someone
say, “Hey, new meat!”
Elliot turned. And then there was a whooshing
sound as the world smacked him upside the head and
everything went dark.

It had all happened so quickly that Elliot’ brain
couldn’t process it. But to its credit it was still trying when
he came to about twenty minutes later. As he was awakened from his head injury-induced sleep his brain kept
replaying what had happened over and over, at various
speeds, like watching an instant replay where they slow
it down to frames per second just to make sure the right
call had been made.

In that agonizing slow motion Elliot heard yet
another of his new nicknames, all distorted and echo-y,
like the sound a record makes as it slows down, “Hey,
New Meat!” Granted, he knew that his name was in fact
Elliot, and not New Meat, but just because he knew that
didn’t mean that anyone else knew that and so he couldn’t
really blame them for calling him New Meat instead of
his actual name, which was Elliot. At least it was better
than Cry Baby.

He heard his nickname and so he turned around,
because as everyone knows it’s rude not to acknowledge
when someone is speaking to you. He would definitely
have to rethink his adherence to social niceties if he
wanted to survive here.

He turned around and faster than his brain could
process at the time, but that he now saw in intricate
detail, a scratched and dented metal lunch tray came
towards his face. Why the VA administration would
give metal lunch trays to a bunch of juvenile delinquents
was beyond him. Maybe they were sick of having to
replace the broken plastic ones. But when a metal tray is
being swung at one’s head at an alarming rate it seems
ill advised safety-wise.

So he had been clobbered by a metal lunch tray and
knocked unconscious. Really, that wasn’t too hard to process. But what made his brain do loopty-loops was the
fact that the person swinging the tray was very large. And
very muscular in a freaky, Mr. Universe sort of way. And
also he was red. Oh, he thought in a sudden moment of
clarity, it
was
Red.

“I get it,” Elliot mumbled. His mouth had not yet
returned to normal functionality, so it actually came out
more like, “A ghat.”

“What about Agate?” Innya said testily from somewhere on his left. He turned his head too quickly and then
closed his eyes when his vision swam. In the moment he
was able to see her before the world went psychedelic she
looked testy, too.

“Isn’t Agate a semi-precious stone or something?”
said another voice to Elliot’s right.
“Who cares?” said a gravelly voice that definitely
belonged to Red. “Whatever it is it isn’t going to keep
him alive.”
“Hey,” said Elliot, “I’m right here.”
“Normal speech patterns returned, check.”
Elliot turned his head the other way and saw
a portly man with a shiny, pink bald head and a large
mouth.The man was wearing a lab coat and had a stethoscope dangling from his neck. “Welcome back,” he said.
“Do you know your name?”
“Elliot Vane.”
The bald man scowled. “Wrong. It’s New Meat,
though I can see why you’d rather be Elliot. New Meat is
a terrible name, if you ask me.”
“His name really is Elliot, though I honestly don’t
see how it’s much better,” said Innya. She leaned back
against table and crossed her arms over her chest. All
around him Elliot could see his new schoolmates craning
their necks to get a look at him. He realized that he was
lying flat on the floor of the cafeteria and moaned. As
first days went, this one positively sucked.
“Who are you?” Elliot asked.
“Who cares?”answered Innya.“Just call him Quack.
Everyone else does.”
“He’s the on-call doc for the VA,” someone in the
crowd answered.
“Mr. Vane, let’s just get this over with. Follow
this light with just your eyes.” Quack moved a penlight
slowly back and forth within Elliot’s field of vision. It
was hard to concentrate on the light when he could see
the kids making faces at him and hear their giggles at
his predicament but Elliot’s eyes eventually locked onto
it and followed it dutifully until all of a sudden the light
moved in crazy spirals. Elliot had to close his eyes to
keep himself from vomiting. Quack laughed, a sound
tinged with just a hint of derision. Where’d they find
this guy, Elliot wondered?
“I’m just playing with you. So, your friend over
there—” he gestured to Innya but she cut him off before
he could say anything else.
“I am
not
his friend,” Innya said.
“Fine. That incredibly pleasant person sitting
at that table over there said that you got hit with this
metal lunch tray.” Quack held up a piece of bent metal
with a head-shaped dent in the middle. “Is this how you
remember it?”
“I suppose so,” he said. Holy crap, he thought, my
head made that dent.
Quack stood up and brushed the dust from his
black slacks. From Elliot’s position on the floor the doctor
looked freakishly tall. “Good then. We’re through here.”
The amassed Villains groaned when they saw that
there wasn’t going to be any untimely death this lunchtime. Most of them turned and went grumbling back to
their meals. A few stayed, probably hoping Elliot would
suffer from a sudden aneurism and keel over.
To the great dismay of the remaining Villains,
Elliot sat up. His head immediately felt as though he had
righted himself abruptly after hanging upside down for
an hour. His temples throbbed and he instantly closed his
eyes. Not surprisingly that had absolutely no effect on the
screaming pain. He managed to find his voice and asked,
“How are we through? They tried to kill me. What am I
supposed to do?”
“Cry, little cry baby!”someone in the crowd shouted.
“Oh!” said Quack, “I’m so glad you asked. Go see
the Dean. He’ll need an incident report.”
“Can’t you give him one?” asked Innya.
“He likes to confer with injured students before
they’re released back into the wild. I’d wish you luck, Mr.
Vane, but I honestly don’t care one way or another.”
The bald doctor stalked out of the cafeteria.
Innya stood up, walked over the Elliot and kicked
him in the foot with one of her knee-high, black platform
boots. “Get up.”