Every One Of Me (5 page)

After that, Trevor knew I didn't have it in me to be with
anyone else. But instead of calling Ellie out on her lie, he played it off as a
misunderstanding and left it all but forgotten. I still didn't trust her and
made sure I was never alone with her. Ever. There was no convincing him to step
back and really see what was happening in front of him either. She flirted
relentlessly with other men when Trevor wasn't watching and played dumb when
she insulted anyone he considered friend or family. I knew she had cheated on
him several times, but I had no way to prove it. We were just going to have to
wait until she slipped up and got caught. It made me sick. I wanted to wring
that woman's neck, especially after what she said about Tess.

Tess.

Seeing the look on her face over and over again in my mind
made the fist around my heart squeeze tightly. She was determined to do
whatever it took to keep me at a distance and after hearing about what had
happened over the last five years, I understood why she would, I just didn't
understand why she would think I could love her any less.

Obviously, she still didn't remember that I had told her my
feelings for her and she had told me the same things. That was years ago, and
next day it was like nothing had ever even happened. That's when I told Sarah
that I thought something was wrong. She made me promise not to say anything to
Tess until she spoke with a therapist. For the entire junior year of high
school, she went to a therapist under the impression that it was for the
occasional anxiety she had been feeling. She always complained about it and
said her mom was always overreacting about everything she did. It killed me to
not tell her, but I told her it wasn't going to hurt anything and convinced her
to do it for her mom.

When she spent an entire week after one of her appointments
acting strange and moody, I begged Sarah to let me talk to her about her so
called 'blackouts', but I promised to wait. She didn't want Tess to be tortured
for the rest of high school because of something she couldn't understand. We
thought it was suppressed memories from when she was little and living with an
angry drunk for a father and maybe it was causing the anxiety and everything
else. I didn't believe that entirely, but I didn't know of any other
explanation. I researched everything I could, but everything I found seemed too
farfetched at the time.

After we graduated, I thought things would work out with us
and there hadn't really been very many incidents our senior year. She was
carefree and full of life. She stopped seeing the therapist and everything got
better. We planned on attending college together and I was looking forward to
finally having a way to be with her. I wish I would have kept my mouth shut
until we moved away. She wouldn't have had the chance to run.

Now, knowing what had been really happening to her for most
of her life - I just couldn't get my head around it. Was she on medication? Was
she safe living at home? Would me pushing myself back into her life make it
worse?

I had so many questions, no answers, and no idea what to do
next.

"Just love her, Charlie," Sarah had said before I
walked out the door. "Love her and don't let her push you away."

So there I was, pulling into my driveway and replaying the
promise I had made to her and to myself over and over again. "I'm not
going anywhere, Sarah. And neither is she."

Tessa

I opened my eyes and squinted at the bright light shining in
through the crappy blinds hanging over my bedroom window. Charlie had given me
dark red curtains to cover it years ago and I had ripped them down before I
left and stuffed them into a box with everything else that reminded me of him
and stashed it in the attic. After waking up to the annoying brightness, I
promised myself to either go find them or buy some new ones right away.

Life would certainly be different here. I had gotten so used
to my routine with Benny. I needed to create a new one to keep me busy and keep
my head on straight. No use diving right into the drama I knew was waiting for
me.

I brushed my teeth, combed through the tangles in my long
hair, and pulled on a robe before walking down to the kitchen for some breakfast.
Trevor was at the table drinking a huge cup of coffee and reading through the
sports section when I walked in. He must have gotten up early because he was
dressed and ready to go and he lived a few miles away.

"Morning, T. How did you sleep?" he asked warily.

"Great! Slept like a baby," I lied, and he knew
it. It took me hours to fall asleep since I was straining to hear Charlie's
voice the whole time he was here and then trying to forget my reaction to him
hugging me the rest of the night. I had probably only slept a few hours and I
was going to pay for it later.

"Uh huh, I bet you did," Trevor said looking quite
amused. "Brought you a muffin from town and there's fresh coffee in the
pot."

"Oh, no coffee for me. Makes me crazy," I said
sarcastically and it made him wince. "Have a sense of humor, Trev. It's
the only way to survive this."

"Yeah, well I don't think the world is ready for your
sense of humor, T." He shook his head, but I saw the corners of his mouth
twitch as if he were struggling to contain a smile.

"Interesting. My friend, Benny, said that exact same
thing."

His head snapped up from his coffee cup and he looked
panicked. "Benny? Who the hell is Benny? He better not be some boyfriend
we don't know about."

"Calm down, Trev. Benny is a girl. She was my roommate
back in Massachusetts," I said rolling my eyes at him.

He scrunched his face up and looked confused, "Why does
she have a guy's name?"

I smiled, thinking back to the first conversation I had with
Benny about her name. Trevor would be flat on his ass right now if she were
here. "Her full name is Bennett, she just prefers Benny. Says it helps
weed out who she can trust."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry about it," I said and took a huge
bite of the chocolate chip muffin Trevor bought for me. It was delicious and
exactly as I remembered. I used to get one of these every Sunday with Charlie.
He would get the lemon poppy seed and we would trade back and forth since
neither of us could really afford to buy both for ourselves. I shook the memory
away and took another bite. I had to keep those thoughts at a distance.

"I like your hair. It's really long," Trevor
mumbled.

"Thanks! I'm glad I haven't woken up to see it chopped
off. It's been forever since I've had it this long."

"What do you mean by that? Why would you wake up to it
chopped off?"

I sighed in frustration, realizing he still didn't know the
full extent of who I was now. "One of the alters hates it long. She
usually chops it. Hates having anything hanging on her neck. I think Dr. D
convinced her to just pull it up into a pony tail instead of trying to cut it.
Benny told her she looked like a freak with it short and it looked better in
the pony tail anyway."

"Um, okay? I'm so confused," Trevor said and
looked a little paler than usual.

I explained to him that an alter was one of the different
identities I had. "I have two alters that I know of, each with a distinct
personality and her own name. They even have their own postures, gestures, and
way of talking. I have videos and recordings if you would like to see."

He couldn't seem to come up with the words for a response so
I kept talking. "I'll just explain everything to you now so you can get it
over with. It's a lot to take in."

He nodded, so I continued.

"The switch that usually takes place is for Lydia. She
is the alter that reveals herself the most often. Her name is Lydia Cooper, she
is about 32 I think. She has a higher voice than me and stands up a lot
straighter than I ever would. Sometimes I like to think she grew up in England
around royalty or something. She thinks that is pretty hilarious." He
hadn't moved an inch and his expression was still shock. "Like I said
before, she hates the long hair and she is really opinionated. She's nice, but
will tell you if you look like shit without blinking. You'll know she's out for
sure if I start telling you dirty 'knock knock' jokes. She's pretty funny if
you ask me. Just to warn you though, she will hate Ellie. Benny had a hard
enough time with her and she is the coolest chick I have ever met."

"Why would she hate Ellie if she can get along with
Benny?" he asked slowly. His voice was a little shaky, but the color in
his cheeks came back and he seemed to be relaxing the more I spoke. That or he
was just so completely lost that he decided to not even try catching up.

"She hates girls, says they piss her off. Especially
girls who have a flare for the dramatic and are high maintenance."

He nodded, "Well, I guess that makes sense. Ellie is a
little dramatic sometimes."

I rolled my eyes again, but he didn't notice. Maybe he
really was brain washed. "Anyway, I think you would like her. She's got
some issues, but is more like me than you would think. At least, she is now
from what Benny and Dr. Deacon told me. I don't mind her too much except for
her problem with my hair."

He cleared his throat and took another gulp of his coffee.
"And the other… um, alter?"

I shifted in my chair a bit and took a cleansing breath. The
other one made me nervous. "She's… different. I don't switch with her that
much?"

"Switch?"

"Oh yeah, 'switching' is when the identity reveals
itself and takes over. It can take seconds, minutes, or days to happen. Depends
on what's going on, I guess." I shrugged my shoulders and took another
bite of the muffin.

"And when you switch with her?"

"Her name is Camryn Garrett, she is in her early
thirties. We figure she only shows up when I'm really upset about something.
She is kind of my defense against that stuff I guess. From what I hear, she is
very protective of me."

"She doesn't sound so bad," he said and quirked
his eyebrow. He could tell I was nervous, but didn't call me out on it.

"Well, she is… bad I mean. She can be a real bitch when
she wants to be."

He watched me closely for a minute while I avoided eye
contact. He was taking this well, but I could tell he wasn't sure of what to
say about it. "And you only have the two?"

I nodded, "That I know of. That's one of the reasons I
came back. There is a Dr. Geoffrey who practices here and is really experienced
with this stuff. He does a lot of psychotherapy that he thinks might help me
learn to live with… all this. Hypnosis and stuff."

He stood and walked over to the coffee pot, pouring a full
mug and took a few sips before turning back to me. "Have you already tried
that? In Massachusetts?"

"Yep. Both of them are pretty responsive to the
hypnosis. Dr. Geoffrey seems to think we can find out my triggers a little more
specifically the more we talk to them and maybe get a little more in depth
about the 'why'. We are going to try to work at integration or just some type
of communication between us. I'm not co-conscious, or aware, of what is going
on during a switch. The alters are aware of me, but not each other unless they
are
made
aware. I don't know, that's something I will start working on
once Dr. Geoffrey gets a little more experience with me and what my case is. I
haven't been at this very long, so there is a possibility of someone else
showing up. I can't think about that now, though." I took the last bite of
the muffin and crumbled the wrapper between my hands.

"You seem to be taking everything… really well."

I patted myself on the back for my Oscar worthy performance.
I was suffering, but no one needed to know that. I woke up every day feeling
unpredictable and frustrated. "I have to, Trev. What else can I do?
There's no cure. I just have to deal with whatever comes and try to keep away
from any triggers. This isn't some simple thing I am dealing with here. I don't
have a control switch or anything. If anything bad even comes close to
happening, I'll go back."

He stumbled and almost dropped his coffee, spilling it all
over his hands. "What do you mean you'll go back?"

I just shrugged.

"You can't leave, Tessa. Not now."

"Why not?"

A knock at the door stopped him from saying anything else
and he hurried out of the kitchen cleaning his hands off with the towel. I
pulled a glass down from the cupboard then pulled the milk out of the fridge. I
was in the process of pouring myself a large glass when that smooth deep voice
came from the doorway making me spill milk all over the counter.

"Good morning, Tess."

I spun around and met that green gaze that I saw every time
I closed my eyes. The sound of the milk dripping to the floor was the only
thing I could hear except for the steady pulse in my head.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," he said
and hurried over to grab some paper towels to clean up the mess.

"What… what are you doing here?" I pressed and
cursed myself for stuttering.

His lips turned up into a sly grin, "I believe I
answered that question last night, Tess. Why wouldn't I be here? My best
friend, who took off five years ago leaving everything and everyone who cared
about her behind, just came home."

I cringed and felt like I had been slapped in the face. He
immediately looked apologetic, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I
understand why you left. I just…"

I snatched the paper towels from his hand and started
cleaning up the spilled milk and avoiding as much eye contact as possible.
"You couldn't possibly understand," I muttered under my breath. I
wasn't quiet enough, though, because he responded immediately.

"You are right. I don't understand, but I want
to." He was standing right behind me as I rinsed my hands and tossed the
paper towels in the trash can under the sink. I could feel the heat radiating
off of him and a shiver ran up my spine. And not the bad kind either."I
don't know all the reasons you took off and I don't know everything you have
been through over the last 5 years. But I want to."