Every One Of Me (7 page)

"I'm sorry I've been so horrible, Charlie. I just don't
think it's good for you to be involved with me at all." Her voice was soft
, but firm and I was pulled from my thoughts by the words that felt like a
punch to my gut. She was staring down at the water now and seemed like she was
making an effort to look at anything but me.

"Why don't you let me decide what's good or bad for me.
I'm a big boy, I think I can make the tough decisions on my own." Her
shoulders slumped and her feet stopped swinging back and forth.
"Hey."

Finally, she glanced up at me and the dejected look in her
beautiful eyes was like a knife in the chest. "I didn't mean that to be
rude, Tess. I'm serious, though. I'm not worried about whether it's a good idea
or not. I just want to be with you."
As more than just your friend.
I didn't say the words, but they hung in the air between us and I hoped she had
heard them somehow.

She looked away just as the moisture in her eyes started to
collect. "So, I'm told you are a fighter now."

The sudden change in the subject didn't surprise me. She was
always one to avoid any extreme emotion and knowing how easily something like
that could stress her out now, I understood. "Yeah, I got into it a few
years ago. Liked the work out it gave me and the excitement. I was hoping to
get into the UFC, but this underground stuff is a little more laid back. Better
to get some experience. Then I might sign a contract and take the next
step." I shrugged noncommittally. I wasn't pushing for a serious career
anymore. It was more of a distraction. Something that kept my mind off of what
I really wanted but could never reach. Now? Well, she was right next to me and
nothing else really mattered anymore.

"Do you get hurt a lot?" she asked leisurely, but
the concern in her voice betrayed her attempt at being casual.

I felt a little satisfaction that she was worried about me,
but didn't tease her about it. "I used to, but not too bad anymore. I do
well enough to avoid that."

She nodded tightly, but her eyes looked relieved at my
answer. "That's good."

I couldn't take it any longer, she was breaking my heart by
acting so distant and trying to sound indifferent when I knew she really
wasn't. I had to ask her the question that had been on repeat in my head for
five years. "Tess, will you tell me why you left? The real reason.
Please."

She must have been anticipating my question because she
didn't even flinch. After several long and agonizing moments, she closed her
eyes and took a few more deep breaths, calming herself. "I don't want
to," she finally said.

I ran a frustrated hand through my hair and tugged to
distract myself from the impatience I was starting to feel. I couldn't go into
this thinking it would be simple… at all. "Well, like I said before, I
would really like to understand. I just… I wish you trusted me enough to be
honest with me."

"I
do
trust you, Charlie."

"It doesn't seem like it, Tess," I snapped and
wanted to smack myself for being such a dick. "Listen, I don't want to
argue about it, I just wanted to talk to you without you running off."

She looked at me again and my relief was palpable, I hated
not seeing her eyes. "I already apologized for that," she stated
firmly.

I frowned. Couldn't really help it. It wasn't an angry
frown. It was more on the sad side of frowns. I was devastated that she had
been through so much and I wasn't there for her. I would do anything to make it
up to her. I had tried to find her. Felt like I was looking under every rock I
came across to find her and when I didn't… I couldn't handle it. "I looked
for you, Tess."

This made her flinch and her eyes widened while her
breathing picked up its pace. "What?"

"I looked for you when you were in Kansas, after you
finally let us know you were alive. The caller ID showed that area code and I
left the next day. Spent a week asking around and showing your picture to
anyone who would stop to look at it. I finally came back after my mom
threatened me, then I started at the university. After a year of classes that I
couldn't concentrate in because I was too busy worrying about you, I dropped
out and started training to distract myself. I held my breath between post
cards, Tess. To find out if you were safe. Just to hear from you."

I couldn't make myself stop babbling. I needed her to know
how she left me, how much she meant to me.

She had looked away when I mentioned college. We were
supposed to leave together and experience everything college had to offer
together.
That had always been the plan, but she left. Obviously, it meant as much to her
as it had to me.

"I promised your mom and brother that I wouldn't go
looking for you again and I would try to make a life for myself. I got into the
underground fighting and ended up winning the championship. It was a lot of
money and I couldn't think of anything better than to take care of your mom and
always hold onto that last thread of communication with you. Even if you wanted
nothing to do with me." I could remember how desperate I was to hear from
Sarah and hear that she was okay. That nothing bad had happened and there was
still a chance of seeing her again.

She still hadn't spoken so I kept going. "Your mother
is good at keeping secrets, Tess. The only reason I found out she knew where
you were when you called her a year ago was because your brother had to use it
to stop me from--" I caught myself and shook my head, "doing
something stupid. They weren't able to stop me from looking for you again,
though. They wouldn't tell me exactly where you were, but I knew you were in
Massachusetts. You aren't an easy one to find, Tess. But I tried."

And now that I had her back, I wasn't going to lose her
again.

Her eyes flickered with something I couldn't identify, then
filled with tears. "I didn't know, Charlie. I had no idea what leaving
would do to everyone." She was choking on a sob and spoke quickly, "I
thought I was doing the right thing."

She fell against my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around her
and pulled her close. Her tears soaked my t-shirt and I only held her tighter,
welcoming anything that was her. Seeing her cry was always torture and it
didn't happen often. "I know, Tess. It doesn't matter anymore. You're
here. That's all that matters to any of us, now." I took a deep breath of
relief. Holding her in my arms, her putting herself there… it was like the
weight that was pressing down on me for five years was lifted and I knew that
it didn't matter why she left, just that she was back. "You don't have to
explain anything, Tess."

The sunset filled the sky with purples, oranges, and reds,
reminding me of that night so many years ago when we both sat in the same spot,
watching the same type of sunset, under completely different circumstances.

"I know that my mom told you," she said on a sigh.
"I don't know why I thought she wouldn't. You and my family have obviously
stayed… close."

"She didn't say much about it, but yes, she told
me." She tensed and I tightened my arm around her and discreetly buried my
nose in her hair while she rested her head on my shoulder. I inhaled the sweet
smell of rain and saw a glimpse of the memories we shared and thought of how
many we missed out on. I couldn't go back in time and change things, but I
could spend the rest of the time we had making up for it. Making new, better
memories.

"And?" she asked softly.

"And… it doesn't change anything for me," I
replied.

"That's… good."

I heard her relief even though she tried to hide it. It gave
me hope.

***

I walked her to the door when we got back less than an hour
later. Nothing else had been said except for a few obligatory statements made
to be polite. I wanted to press her for more, make her tell me everything so I
could
feel
that she trusted me, but I knew doing that would only end in
an argument. I would just have to continue to be patient.

"Thank you, Charlie. I'll see you around, I
guess," she said hurriedly and stepped up to her front door.

See me around? Definitely. "Can I take you to dinner on
Friday?"

She stumbled a bit before turning with her arms crossed over
her chest. "I don't think that's a good idea… for me. I can't lose focus,
Charlie."

"It's just dinner, Tess. You need to eat. I just
thought--"

"I know what you thought and I'm sorry. I just… can't
right now. Thank you again and have a good night, Charlie." She rushed
inside and shut the door leaving me thoroughly speechless and confused in the
darkness of the porch. After what happened at the dock, I hadn't expected her
to still be so determined to shut me down.

I thought I could do this on my own, but it was looking like
Sarah would get to take over soon if I kept striking out, and I knew I would
keep striking out. So did Sarah. Tess was Tess and she was stubborn and overly
logical about everything. And even though it was causing me to become
desperate, I loved her even more for it.

"Great," I muttered and stomped back to my car.
Looked like another night of tossing and turning and trying not to picture Tess
next to me with her hair spread out across the pillow... I pulled out onto the
road and made my way to the gym ready to work out some built up frustration.

Theresa Marshall was a woman worth waiting for and I was
good at waiting.

Tessa

My first session with Dr. Geoffrey on Thursday was awkward
and frustrating to say the least. Being the matron saint of patience everyone
knew I wasn't, I wanted to start making progress right away, but the doctor
spent the entire appointment asking me questions about my friends, my family,
my hobbies, and everything else that seemed to be irrelevant to what we truly
needed to be doing.

He kept telling me that informing the other alters about my
needs, and vice versa, would help.  I kept reminding myself that he was the
doctor and I needed to trust him, but my determination to figure out how to
live with this overpowered everything else. Dr. Geoffrey noticed my
frustration, but made no attempts to change the course he had set for the day.
This made me want to shove that stupid silver pen--

"I want you to make an appointment to see me Monday,
Ms. Marshall. I know you are anxious to get started on integration, but this
kind of thing takes time, and integration may not be the answer. I don't want
you to think that things will fall into place with a few sessions. It could
take years." He walked me out to his scheduler and spoke slowly so I would
have no choice but to accept his words. I was already aware of everything he
was telling me, I just didn't like it. It wasn't a quick fix and that's what I
wanted. My life had been upside down for too long and I was desperately trying
to turn it over and find some kind of harmony.

"Is it okay for me to get a job?" I asked.

"That's up to you. It might be a good idea to get a
hold on things before you take on that responsibility."

I should have known better, I still wasn't completely
comfortable on my own, but I'm a stubborn woman. Ask everyone I know.

"We can see how responsive you will be to my hypnosis
on Monday and go from there. Until then, try to stay positive. Once I have
established a form of communication with your alters, we can move on to the
three of you communicating on your own."

He shook my hand and left me standing in front of a middle
aged blonde who looked like her face was going to split in two from the size of
her smile.

I didn't see how me communicating with the alters was going to
help anything. Not remembering a switch, to me, was a blessing in disguise at
times. I felt bad for the people who were co-conscious with their alters. Mine
could party together as much as they wanted, but I wanted nothing to do with
it. Even though, in the back of my mind, I knew I was being more destructive by
thinking that way, I didn't care. I had to do this so I could move on with my
life. From the look on Dr. Geoffrey's face today, though, I had a feeling I
would be changing my way of thinking very soon.

"What time of day is best for you on Monday, Ms.
Marshall?" the receptionist asked in a high pitched, way too sweet to keep
me from wanting to smack that smile off her face, voice.

"Stay positive," I muttered to myself. "Stay
positive and don't let people get to you."

"I'm sorry, what was that?" she asked and leaned
in closer to me.

"Morning, please."

***

Charlie stopped by each day, further convincing me that I
was fighting against a force that was even more stubborn than myself. He was
always relentless, but my God, he was like 10 times worse now. We didn't talk
much except for the usual topics of conversation everyone shares with a long
time acquaintance. I asked him about fighting, how his mother was doing and who
her new husband was. I didn't really allow him to ask any questions and at
first he was noticeably agitated, but continued to let me steer the
conversations. They were short and sweet and always ended with me remembering
that I had something important to do and leaving the house. I never had
anything to do, I just couldn't continue to be in his presence and not throw
myself at him.

Years of suppressed attraction added to 5 years of
separation? That equaled uncontrolled physical and emotional… feelings. I
couldn't afford those kinds of feelings. Not when I knew things would go bad,
eventually.

He just kept showing up every day and continued from where
ever we had left off. It made me start to waiver and I almost wanted to get a
job now just so I could avoid him.

Mom was no help no matter how much I begged her. She didn't
want me to work and said that I could use my savings if I wanted, but it wasn't
necessary.