Everybody Knows (5 page)

Except, he didn’t stop.

I tried to turn my head a little, hoping he’d take the hint. He didn’t, he just held me tighter and continued to move his mouth over mine. Hoping he was just crap at reading signals, I wriggled in his grip then moved my hands to his chest to push him back, but he closed the gap between us, pushing my hands down to my sides and holding my wrists so I couldn’t move. My heart rate kicked up a few notches; his strength made it so easy for him to overpower me and when I tried to free my hands, he held on tighter.

“Stop,” I managed to say, turning my head away from him.

“So soon? I thought we were going to have some fun.”

“Yeah. I’m done.”

He let go of one of my hands and gripped my chin, forcing my face back to his. His eyes glimmered, but not in a good way. In fact, there was a coldness to them; clearly he wasn’t used to hearing the word “no” and the speed of his mood change sent a shiver through me. 

“Well, I am not
done
.”

My heart beat faster, pounding more speedily than the beats drifting out from inside the club. Julien moved me back against the wall, in almost the exact spot Jason had pressed the skank from the bar.
Unfair judgement. You just did the exact same thing as her… albeit more hesitantly.
What the hell was I thinking? Julien kissed me again, and there was nowhere I could go. He had me so firmly pressed against the wall, I couldn’t move at all, and as he grabbed my wrists again, my stomach churned and fear took me in its hold.

Stupid, stupid girl!

“Julien, please. I just want to go back inside.”

“And I want what you promised me.” He slipped one hand underneath my top, his fingers sliding over my skin and roughly closing over my breast. He gave a moan and tears sprang to my eyes. There was no way he was going to stop and I tried again to wriggle free as he pushed his hips against mine.

“I promised you nothing!” I spat, trying to disguise my panic. The way my voice trembled betrayed me, and his eyes flashed again, like he was getting off on how scared I was.

“Out here, all alone? You were asking for this.”

His hips pinned me to the spot as he squeezed my breast harder, reaching down to unzip his jeans with his other hand. My heart rate quickened and a panic-induced sweat broke out across my forehead. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t believe this was happening. I’d never been touched this way, and couldn’t let my first time happen like this. I wouldn’t. I raised my hands, trying hard to shove him away as tears dripped down my cheeks.

“Get the fuck off her! Now!”

Julien backed away quickly at the sound of Drew’s bellow and my body sagged with relief. Drew only had to take one step towards him before he turned on the spot and ran. Once he was gone, my knees weakened and I dropped to the ground, my head down.

“Jesus, Lucy. Are you okay?”

I nodded, gulping at the air. In my panic, I’d forgotten to breathe and my lungs struggled to keep up as my heart rate finally started to slow.

“What were you doing out here?”

“I thought I was getting some fresh air, but then Julien came along and…”

I was way too ashamed to admit I’d kissed him. I don’t know what had been running through my mind. Trying to prove my maturity by letting myself get mauled by a stranger, and for what? Just to take my mind off what Jason was doing.

“Did he hurt you?”

I shook my head. “Scared me mostly.” I didn’t want to admit to Drew that I’d probably have a bruised boob, and honestly, if he hadn’t come along when he did, it would have been so much worse. The idea of what Julien might have done made my body shake, and my chest heaved with the sobs I was trying to suppress.

“Do we need to call the police?”

“No,” I choked out. “He’s gone now, and I’m ready to go back to the hotel.”

Drew nodded. “We were thinking about heading back now anyway. That’s why I was looking for you. I was looking for Jason too. Have you seen him?”

A shudder ran through me as I remembered the other image of the evening I wanted to forget. Composing myself, I said, “He’s gone back to the hotel with some random.”

Drew fixed his eyes on me and I lowered my gaze, not wanting him to see any hint of hurt or jealousy. Not that I had any right to be either of those things. Jason was never mine, and he never would be. At some point, he would find someone he wanted to be with and I’d have to get over this insane crush. But at that moment, it sucked to be me.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.”

I looked up at him. “I’ve seen it before. Well, actually, I saw a little more than I wanted to, but… you know what I mean. It’s fine.”

Drew gave a small jerk of his head. “Come here.”

He opened his arms out and I let him pull me into a hug. A hug from Drew was one of the best things in the whole world. His large frame was comforting and warm, and I snuggled into him, grateful for his lack of lecture about my idiocy, and his understanding about my feelings.

**

I had a hard time getting to sleep that night. In spite of how illogical it was to have feelings for Jason, I couldn’t stop picturing him with that woman. He and I had become closer over the past year, but we would never be
that
close, and as much as I thought I’d come to terms with that, I knew it would be a while before I stopped feeling like I’d been punched any time I saw him with someone else.

I awoke in the morning to the sound of someone tapping on my door. It was early, only a little after seven, so I definitely wasn’t late for breakfast. I stumbled out of bed and opened the door a crack, peering through the gap and jolting slightly when I saw Jason standing there.

“Sorry. Did I wake you?”

His stubble was way out of control; he obviously hadn’t shaved yet, and his hair was messy. He wore scruffy blue jeans and a plain black t-shirt which was wrinkled, as though he’d just thrown some clothes – any clothes - on before coming to my room.

I nodded, blinking a few times. “What’s going on?”

“I wanted to check on you.”

“Why?”

“Can I come in?”

I glanced down at my old oversized t-shirt, making sure I was fully covered up. Crap. Why couldn’t he have called when I was dressed?

I let Jason in, still somewhat confused as to why he wanted to check on me. Shit. Did he know I freaked out about him and that woman? My cheeks burned as we sat down on the edge of my bed. Where the heck was she, anyway? Did he just leave her in bed?

“Drew told me what happened last night. With Julien.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t realised I was holding. Not that this topic was any less humiliating. I glanced down at my lap, wringing my hands together while I waited to find out where this conversation was going.

“What were you thinking, Luce? Going outside with a guy you hardly knew? Doesn’t sound like you.”

I fought to hold in a bitter laugh. Right. Because the big-boobed tart he left with wasn’t the same thing to him. Just some girl to screw. To pick up and put down when he’d got what he wanted.

I shrugged. “I figured I’d experience some more French cuisine. Unfortunately, it was the kind that makes you want to throw up.”

“Lucy, come on. This isn’t something to joke about. Drew said that prick had his hand up your shirt!”

The memory made me shudder; his firm, dirty grip keeping me held in place so I couldn’t escape. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.

“Yeah, I know it’s serious, Jason. I was there. But it’s over now. I made a stupid mistake. I don’t need to be reminded.”

Jason rested his hand on mine. “I’m not judging you, Luce. I’m the king of stupid mistakes. I just don’t understand why you were with him in the first place. He’d been acting like a first class cock all day.”

I raised an eyebrow. “That sounds a little bit like judgement.”

“Hey.”

His sharp tone made me look up at him, into those green eyes, and I sighed. “I didn’t choose to drag him out of the club. I was outside getting some air and he came out. We were talking, he wanted to kiss me, and I didn’t see the harm. He was a good-looking guy, and I didn’t… I just didn’t think it through.”

I lowered my eyes, the horror of what could have happened seeping into me again. On my second night away from home, I’d killed any level of maturity I’d tried to show and almost got myself seriously assaulted. Rubbing my hand across my forehead, I let out a groan.

Jason laced his fingers through mine. “Promise me you won’t do that again. I don’t want you getting hurt. Besides, you’re way better than a quick hook up in a back alley.”

The sensation of his fingers entwined with mine was too good. I wanted to hold on, but I pulled away and shuffled away from him slightly. “Did you say that to the girl you picked up last night? How come
she
wasn’t too good to be a quick hook up?” I spoke quietly, asking not in a judgemental way, but out of genuine curiosity.

Jason’s eyes closed for a second as he blew out a breath. “You know about that.”

“I saw you.”

He nodded slowly. “Lucy, she was just…” He paused for a second, obviously trying to find the right words. “We get a lot of girls who want to hook up with us because of who we are. I don’t always take advantage of it. In fact, I pass up a hell of a lot. Some nights, like last night, I needed… I don’t know…” He shook his head. “She was there. Right place, right time.”

“So… you were horny and you picked up the first woman who threw herself at you?”

His eyes widened in surprise. “Now who’s being judgemental?”

“I’m sorry. That’s not how I meant to sound, I just don’t get it. Why is it okay for you to pick someone up just because, but not for me?”

“Is that why you did it? You were horny and you wanted someone?”

My cheeks flushed again. I couldn’t believe he’d asked me that, but on the other hand, maybe he had no idea of my non-existent experience. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been horny in my life. Or at least, not in the way he meant. The kind of horny that makes you want to screw the first person who looks at you.

“I wasn’t horny. I didn’t even like him much. Like I said, I made a mistake.”

Jason shook his head. “You’re not one of those girls, Lucy. There are some girls who are happy to pick up guys, have a one night thing and then move along. And there will always be guys who are happy to oblige. I’m not an angel by any means, and I admit, I take advantage of who I am sometimes. But you aren’t the kind of girl who could be like them.”

“Why not?  Because I’m not pretty enough, and don’t have the kind of boobs that could poke someone’s eyes out?”

Jason laughed, but then his eyes softened as he stared at me for a moment. “Not pretty? You need to take another look in the mirror, Luce. You’re beautiful.”

A little flurry of butterflies started up in my stomach, but scepticism quickly took over. I was dressed in my nightclothes, un-showered and un-groomed. He was just being polite. I glanced down at my barely there cleavage. “Nah. Definitely not beautiful. And severely lacking in
certain
areas.”

Jason’s eyes moved down to my chest before quickly flicking back up to my face, and I spotted redness on his cheeks. I’d never seen him look like that before, almost embarrassed. The man could fake confidence like nobody I’d ever met. There was no need for him to be embarrassed about looking at my non-boobs - I was the one who’d brought them up.

“You’re not lacking in any areas.” He stood up so abruptly that I jumped at the swiftness of his movement. “I’m gonna take a shower before breakfast. See you downstairs?”

I nodded. “Sure.”

He smiled, a smile that eased my panic and made me forget my name for a second. However, once he’d gone, I reached for my journal and pen. Lying on my stomach, I opened to the next blank page and began to write.

Beautiful. That is a word that means something. Not hot, or gorgeous. Beautiful. For me, that word sums up everything about a person. Not just their looks, but their personality too.

Did Jason really just call me beautiful?

I was having a moment of insecurity, and that’s probably why he said it. I’m just me. Nothing special. Average, I guess.

Maybe I should rip this page out. It’s not supposed to be a place for me to be a total girl and scribble down my thoughts about Jason. I think about him more than enough as it is. But this isn’t really about Jason. It’s about me. About how I feel.

I do appreciate him checking on me, and it’s cool that he thinks I’m worth more than a grope in a back alley, but that girl he picked up? To someone, she is a friend, a daughter, a sister. And they probably feel the same way about her. Even if they don’t, why does she want to be a quick fling for someone? Why does anyone want that?

Women actually can’t win these days. We’re told to go after what we want, to never back down, to live with as much freedom as men have. It’s supposed to be empowering to live life our way. But then, a lot of the time when woman do that, they’re shouted down. Called slags, or easy for doing what men are almost expected to do.

How are we supposed to know what’s right? How am
I
supposed to know what’s right?