Everything but the marriage (22 page)

She glanced up, her eyes not quite touching on his still figure, settling somewhere just to the left of him instead.

"I'm ahnost done. I thought you'd be gone longer." There was no anger in her tone. No hurt. There was nothing there at all. She could have been talking to a stranger.

"Annalise, Fm sorry.'* He winced at the inadequacy of the words, but they were all he had to offer.

"That's quite all right," she said politely. She folded a pair of jeans and set them in the box. "Actually, it's probably just as well you did come back. I was hoping it would be all right if I left Beauty and the kittens here, just until I find an apartment. I know you didn't particularly want a cat and I'll take her off your hands as soon as possible."

"Fine." He watched as she took a blouse off a hanger and began folding it. He felt as if he were breaking into a hundred tiny pieces inside.

"Lobo, too, if you'd like," she went on, setting the blouse on top of the jeans. "Although, he really considers himself more yours than mine. If you want, I'll take him, too. I don't want you to feel as if you're stuck with him."

Where did she think she was going to find an apartment that would let her have, not only a cat and four kittens, but a dog the size of a Shetland pony?

"He can stay. You can all stay."

"No!" For an instant, her careful calm wavered and her fingers knotted over the T-shirt she'd just picked up. "Thank you," she said politely, forcing her fingers to relax.

"I was wrong."

"Yes, you were." But there was no anger in her words.

"I know you didn't lie to me about thinking you couldn't have children. I think I knew all along."

"I'm glad.*' She folded the last garment and set it in the box. "Excuse me. I want to make sure I didn't leave anything in the bathroom."

Devlin watched her leave the bedroom, feeling a blackness rising up inside, threatening to swallow him whole. He couldn't let her leave like this. There were things that needed to be said.

She came back into the room with a bottle of shampoo in her hand and tucked it down along the side of the box. Her eyes skimmed over the room, as if checking to see if she'd missed anything. The fingers that rested on the sides of the box trembled slightly.

It was that tronbling that gave him hope. He hadn't managed to kill her feelings for him completely if the thought of leaving could make her tremble.

"Don't go."

The simple plea sounded loud in the quiet room. Annalise closed her eyes as if the words had a physical impact.

"Don't," she said softly. "I understand how you feel."

"Do you?"

"Yes. You made it clear you didn't want a child. You didn't truly want to get involved with me, did you?" For the first time, she squarely looked at him, her mouth quirked in a half smile. "I guess I shouldn't have thought that because you made an exception on one, you'd be able to make an exception on the other. A baby is a much bigger commitment than a lover, isn't it?"

"I didn't want to get involved," he admitted slowly. He tried to pick his words carefully. This might be the only chance he had to make her understand, to beg her forgiveness. "Fve always known that Fd never have a serious relationship with a woman. I never thought I was capable of the kind of feelings that required."

"Oh, Devlin." Annalise looked at him, the compassion in her eyes sending a stab of pain through him. "You're capable of a great deal more than you give yourself credit for. Fve never met anyone with so much to give. Look at the way you took me in. And Beauty and Lobo. Strays, all of us," she said, unknowingly echoing his earlier thoughts. "You shouldn't sell yourself short."

He felt hope surge up. Surely she couldn't look at him like that, say that he had so much to give and not still feel something for him.

"Annalise, I-"

"I should get going." She looked away from him, her tone suddenly brisk. "I need to find a motel tonight."

"Please. Don't go."

Her finger knotted over the sides of the box. She fdt a wave of pain wash over her. He sounded as if he meant it. There was need in his voice, in his eyes. She wanted desperately to respond to that need, but she couldn't.

Her chest still ached with the pain of his earlier words. He felt badly about having hurt her and he wanted a chance to make it right. But the only thing that could make it right was if he loved her. And he

didn't. He couldn't have loved her and said those things to her.

"I have to go," she said tightly. "I accqjt your apology, but I have to go."

"I was afraid," he told her, taking a stq) away from the doorway.

"Afraid? Of what?" Despite herself, her eyes wait to his face. She didn't want to Hsten to him, didn't want to care about what he had to say.

"Of being hurt."

"So you thought you'd strike first?"

"Of hurting you," he continued, ignoring her sharp question. "Of hurting the... the child."

"You did hurt me," she told him, anger and pain tangled together in her stomach.

"I don't mean that kind of hurt." He waved one hand m an impatient gesture.

"What other kind of hurt is..." Her voice trailed off. She stared at him, suddenly realizing what he meant. He was talking about physical hurt. Maybe she should have thought of it before, considering what he'd told her of his childhood.

"You think you might hit me or our child?" she asked, incredulity colouring her tone.

"The capabiUty is there."

"Nonsense." There was no hesitation in hex brisk d^al. "You're no more capable of hurting someone smaller than you than you are of...of leaping tall buildings in a single boimd."

Devlin blinked at her, disconcerted by l^r instantaneous dismissal of a fear that had haunted him all his life.

"My father..."

"Your father was obviously a very sick man, but I don't think it was a genetic iUness."

"I could..."

"No, you couldn't." She sounded so completely sure. Devlin stared at her, feeling her confidence nudge at the base of the fear lodged inside him. "I know all the statistics about abused children becoming abusive parents, but it doesn't happen every time, Devlin. You couldn't ever become a child abuser."

He shoved his hands into his pockets and half turned away, ashamed of the tears that bumed in his eyes. Once again, her belief in him made him feel strong and, at the same time, achingly weak.

AnnaUse watched him, feeling some of her pain ease in the face of his. He truly believed he could have it in him to hurt his child the way his father had hurt him. No wonder he'd been so adamant about never being a father.

He'd hurt her deeply with his accusations. That pam couldn't be completely wiped away because she now understood his motives. But her love for him couldn't be so easily destroyed, either. Through her own hurt, she felt his pain.

"Devlin, you'd be a wonderful father," she said softly. "I've always known that."

"Have you?" He turned to look at her. His eyes dropped to her stomach for a moment before lifting to her face. "Am I going to get a chance to find out?"

It was her turn to look away. She loved him. With all her heart, she wanted him to be a part of their child's life. A part of her life. But they couldn't go on

as they had been, playing at house without some sort of commitment. She wanted to bring her child into a stable home, full of warmth. Full of love.

The old saying about half a loaf being better than none might apply to bread, but it didn't apply to love. Not for her. She'd thought she could go on indefinitely, waiting for him to see what they could have together. Maybe she could have if she hadn't gotten pregnant. But the baby changed everything.

"I want it all," she said softly. "I want a commitment. I want to know that you'll still be here no matter how rough it gets. I want to know that... that you love me as much as I love you."

She lifted her chin, her eyes meeting his with fierce pride.

Devlin felt his heart stop. She loved him. She loved him. Suddenly his heart was beating much too fast, making him feel almost light-headed. He'd never realized how desperately he wanted to hear those three little words from her. He'd never let himself realize how much he needed her to say them.

"Annalise." He took a step toward her and stopped. He took his hands out of his pockets and reached for hers. She let him take her hands, but there was no give in her. He'd always known there was strength in her. It was part of what he'd admired from the start. It had never been more evident than it was at this minute.

"Annahse, I never planned on getting involved with a woman. I never thought I could... love anyone."

"Of course you can." Her fingers squeezed his. "If you'll just let yourself."

He stared down at their linked hands, searching for the words to make her understand. *'I care for you," he said slowly. "Wait." His fingers tightened over hers, preventing her from pulling away. "I know that doesn't sound like much, but it's more than I ever thought Fd feel for someone."

"I know," she said softly, without anger. "But I need more than that."

"I want to wake up beside you every morning," he told her. He lifted his eyes to her face. "I want to know that you're there when I wake up in the middle of the night. I want to watch your stomach grow with our child. I want to be there when that child is born. I want to know that you'll always be there, no matter what."

He drew her closer, desperate to make her understand how much he needed her in his life. "You have to stay, Annalise. Without you, I... don't know what I'd do."

She looked at him, feehng the last traces of ice melt from around her heart. The words he couldn't seem to get out were written in his eyes. He loved her. It was there in the way he held her hands, in the near desperation in his eyes.

She freed one hand, reaching up to lay it against his jaw. "You're talking about love, Devlin. You're talking about needing someone else to make your life complete. About wanting to share the bad, as well as the good. What do you think love is?"

"I don't know," he said simply. She knew it was no less than the truth. How could he know? There'd been so little of it in his life.

"Oh, Devlin." She leaned into him, resting her cheek against his chest, feeling the strong beat of his heart. His arms closed convulsively around her, and he bent to put his face against her hair.

"Teach me, Annalise," he whispered. "I don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to." She tilted her head to look up into his face. "You're stuck with me."

"We'll get married."

"I'd like that," she said, seeing some of the anxiety fade from his eyes.

He didn't need her to teach him how to love. All she needed to teach him was that he didn't have to be afraid to love. As long as she could see the love in his eyes, she could wait for the words. They weren't as important as feeling his arms around her, holding her as if he'd never let her go.

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