Everything Was Fine Until Whatever (2 page)

Sometimes I forget why I’m so negative and judgmental and then I remember.

I understand that ‘love’ is a word with a definition that interpret differently than others do

 

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me for a long time because he said he liked me too much and didn’t want to ruin anything.

When we finally had sex he put a finger in my butthole.

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me because he was afraid of my libido. Just kidding. No one is afraid of my libido.

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me because I laughed when he kissed me because he had really funny kissing technique.

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me. When I broke up with him he asked for an explanation and I had to say that we were sexually incompatible. He said, “Oh.”

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me but he would kiss me and get me naked and hold me down and make me swear I loved him.

And I understand that the definition of the word ‘love’ is filled with words that also have definitions

 

I dated a boy who sometimes made me feel bad about myself. And not in the way where I knew he was trying to. That wouldn’t’ve been as bad. He genuinely thought things were wrong with me.

I dated a boy whose libido I was afraid of.

I dated a boy who would invite me over to his house and then leave with friends and I would watch sports on TV with his roommate.

I dated a boy who I wasn’t attracted to in even the smallest way. He got free donuts though cos he worked at this place.

I dated a boy who was so easy to manipulate that he became an appendage to me and when we broke up I experienced phantom limb syndrome instead of sadness.

I am alone again tonight but don’t worry I have this whole list of deep philosophical questions.

And if that doesn’t work I will go through word documents changing periods to question marks.

20 Simple Makeup Tips for the Everyday Woman

 

1. When drawing on eyebrows, remember that looking mildly surprised is both sexy and fashionable.
   
2. Makeup should not be applied to hemorrhoids.
   
3. Remember: Your eyelashes are commas and boldening them does not necessarily add meaning.
   
4. Conceal blemishes with rhinestones for a creative edge.
   
5. Before you begin applying makeup, write a thesis statement and briefly outline your current purpose for using makeup and what you hope to accomplish with it.
   
6. In a hurry, apply liquid foundation with a ladle.
   
7. Stay away from reds; they’ll highlight your lack thereof.
   
8. Gray hairs can be plucked and saved for a wig that you can use when there are no more hairs to pluck.
   
9. During the holiday season, double chins can be covered with a festive bow.
   
10. Facial tattoos should be used sparingly.
    
11. In a pinch, use sandpaper or pliers to add color to your cheeks.
    
12. You should be absolutely hairless from the mouth down.
    
13. Silver lipstick is always appropriate.
    
14. Keep your own physical faults in mind, so that you may accuse other women of having them during disagreements.
    
15. In the morning, pour liquid foundation into open pores. This will ensure a steady secretion of foundation all day, so that reapplication is unnecessary.
    
16. Try to see your face with an objective eye each day. The heavy rouge you’ve been sporting for five years may offend those who have not seen the historical progression.
    
17. Resist buying Revlon products, because their commercials suck.
    
18. Snort powder to make up that hard-to-reach cerebrum.
    
19. If your face is large, you will have to plan more makeup products into your budget.
    
20. Makeup can be used in large amounts and with high contrast as an alternative to hormone replacement therapy.
    

Sometimes I read my own poetry and think that’s not right. Or I read it and call my mom and ask her to be nice to me

His Lies Taste like Eggs Benedict

 

You force his name casually into conversation and then you see him at Denny’s. He is with his girlfriend and she is not you. She doesn’t look anything like you. You worry that he had no discretion when it comes to girls. You say ‘hi’ like you are just friends and order coffee. He gestures to his girlfriend that he wants to leave, a touching moment. Without having been introduced to her, you ask him for his uneaten omelet and sourdough toast. This simple request suggests how comfortable you feel with him, how close and naked you had been together. His girlfriend knows this. She envisions the two of you close and naked in this way, and calculates when and where you were, how it happened, and where she had been at the time. You look at her as if to say, “I still have a pair of his boxers, but you can have them back at any time. I feel for you.” She understands this, but still seems unsure about you. You would’ve liked to have taken her aside and explained yourself. You would’ve liked to have taken her aside and made jokes about his penis or cunnilingus technique. She wouldn’t’ve laughed, though, and you wouldn’t’ve become friends. To her, you aren’t on the same team. To her, his penis and cunnilingus technique are serious matters.

He weighs his options. If he gives you the omelet, he will essentially be apologizing to you, showing that he knows you are owed something, and thereby admitting he has done something to hurt you. Denying you the omelet, on the other hand, would simply be passive aggression, which he should know is never attractive or clever. You would probably take the omelet anyway, after he left, he knew. Still, the decision is his. The omelet waits. You sip coffee, scorching hot, and don’t flinch.

God’s Girlfriend

 

God’s girlfriend was on the toilet feeling more important than God, but irritable and crampy. Pissed off at the world.

What a crummy world
, she thought,
God can’t do anything right.

God was in the other room, fighting with the fax machine.

Forever is so long,
she thought,
You have to think about it only in smaller parts, month by month, week by week. I look forward to Thursday, when my period ends.

I need some excitement,
she thought,
God should’ve invented more hot guys. He probably thinks this is funny.

She knew what was happening. She was taking the biggest crap of her life. She was embarrassed by the size of it.

“God, if this shit was a dick, that dick would be a big dick,” she said.

“What?” said God.

“’What’ what?” said God’s girlfriend.

God said “bullshit” at the fax machine.

“It’s fucking brand new,” he said.

Later that evening, God’s girlfriend called her mother, and they talked about how to prepare frozen meals so that they taste homemade, and they both sighed audibly.

I’ve been sitting in this goddamned bathroom for over an hour trying to think of a way to steal a roll of toilet paper.

Beginnings That Lead to Middles

 

I met JR for the first time outside of Mervyn’s and we immediately got into a power struggle. He stood idly beside me, waiting for me to solicit him. I smoked my cigarette confidently two yards away, waiting to be solicited. The way I saw it was; if I had to end up being submissive and attentive to him, he should be able to grow some balls and initiate the encounter. I shouldn’t have had to eagerly offer my passivity. But these, admittedly, were not the kinds of opinions that made me a successful businesswoman.

He finally said, “I’m giving you fifty dollars because that’s what I want to spend, not because that’s what you’re charging.”

I said, “If you want that much control, you can suck your own dick.”

He said, “I’ll give you fifty dollars to pretend you love me.”

I said, “Okay, you’ve got one hour.”

I wrapped my arms around him and said, “I love you.”

He said, “Elaborate on that.”

So I baked him a cherry walnut tart and sprinkled powdered sugar onto it.

He said, “Be more realistic.”

So I didn’t eat my portion and looked longingly into his eyes. I initiated a game of footsie that apparently made JR think our relationship was getting too complicated.

He said, “I want a kind of love that’s open and comfortable.”

So I told him about all the insecurities and body image issues I had as a young girl and how I dealt with those issues by running away from home. Then I fell asleep in his arms.

He said, “Well maybe I didn’t mean that.”

So I laughed at whatever he said. I laughed so hard I started crying, so I excused myself to the ladies’ room and applied more makeup.

He said, “Someone as beautiful as you could never really love me.”

So I smudged my makeup a little to make him more comfortable.

He said,“This all seems too painless to be real love.”

So I stood up and demanded to know why he was home so late the night before.

He said, “I like where this is going.”

So I made jealous comments about his ex-girlfriends and demanded that he reenact our first telephone conversation. When he couldn’t remember the correct sequence of our conversation, I accused him of cheating on me. I ordered a bouquet of flowers online, had them delivered to myself, and made JR believe they were from another man.

He said, “I think I’m really starting to fall for you.”

So I got drunk and hacked into his email account and got upset about year-old emails from other girls and then cried myself to sleep.

He said, “Now I feel left out.”

So I begged him never to leave me.

He said, “Just a little less desperate and a little more playful.”

So I tattooed his name onto my right breast and posted a photo of it on the Internet.

He said, “That would work really well as an action shot, don’t you think?”

So I let him suckle my nipple for the last two minutes while I uploaded the new picture. I titled it ‘Please don’t let this end so it can never begin again.’

He said, “Can I see you again? Can I call you?” and discreetly put fifty dollars on the table. I pretended not to notice what he did.

I looked at him as if to say, “Where’s my cash?”

He waited for me to pick the money up. The way I saw it was; I’m his employee, and he’s my boss. I shouldn’t have to remind him to pay me. He shouldn’t be able to be so indirect. He gestured subtly toward the money, and I was careful not to follow his gaze. I wasn’t going to let him win that easily.