EXONERATION (INTERFERENCE) (16 page)

He looked over at my father, not sure what to do at that moment.

“Same rule applies…Dr. Ramsay!” my father said, crossing his arms over his chest.

I actually laughed, which seemed to irritate my father. “Oh, Daddy, be serious. That was a ridiculous rule and you know it.”

“No, it wasn’t a ridiculous rule; you just refused to obey it.”

Shane turned to my father, “We did obey it. I’ve never been more than halfway up that staircase.”

“There’s no reason to lie anymore. You have a daughter, if that’s not proof, then I don’t know what is.”

“He’s not lying, Daddy! He’s never been upstairs. I swear it. Why would I lie about that now?”

“I um, I guess…you wouldn’t,” he said, sighing.

“I’ll bring you some lunch in a few minutes
, Honey.”

I smiled. “Thanks mom. It’s nice to be here.”

“It’s wonderful having you home.”

I nodded and started up the stairs. I made it almost to the top and turned around. I smiled at Shane who seemed frozen at the bottom of the staircase, “It’s okay,
I’m lifting the ban. I think it’s a little too late to worry about my virtue now.”

“Rebecca!” my father snapped.

“What? Dad, we’re just going to talk.”

He looked skeptical but didn’t say anything.

“Dad, I’m not allowed to do…anything right now, so relax. I won’t risk hurting the baby.”

“Okay then, the ban is lifted…for now. But, he’s not staying!”

Shane nodded and finally took his first step up the long staircase. I thought I’d
have
the baby before he finally made it to the top. He looked pale by the time he reached the top step and I had to keep myself from laughing outright as he kept glancing back at my father as if he was committing a sin.

He walked around my room, glancing at this and that. It was pretty much the same as when I was in high school. Pictures of us covered my mirror and he laughed at a few of them while I was in the bathroom changing into a t-shirt and sweats.

“Remember this?” he said grinning at the picture of us at the beach when I got stung by a jellyfish.

“I remember I fooled you into thinking it was much more painful than it was just so you’d carry me back to the towels.” I sighed and climbed into my bed.

“I knew, but I was looking for any excuse to hold you, so I didn’t mind.”

“Well, you sure put up a good battle. I didn’t think you’d ever even kiss me…far less…” I scooted down in the blankets. “You were so dead set against a physical relationship. I can’t tell you how many times I got yelled at by my dad for doing stuff you would have never even considered doing. You were so stubborn. You have no idea how hard I worked at wearing you down.”

“Yeah, well, Shannon’s proof of that.”

“Shane, why did you finally change your mind about us sleeping together? I never thought you’d touch me until we were married.”

“That was the plan,” he sighed. “I made a lot of mistakes, Rebecca. But loving you was never one of them. I just couldn’t take it anymore. You were always telling me you wanted more,” he closed his
eyes, “…the black underwear just about did it. I swear I don’t know how I lasted as long as I did.”

“I didn’t make it very easy on you.”

“No, you didn’t. Can I get you anything?” he asked, standing by my bed while stroking my cheek.

I wanted him to climb in next to me and hold me, but there were a
hundred thousand
reasons that I didn’t ask. I finally gave in and said, “You can stay for a while. We can talk.”

He pulled up the chair next to the bed. “What do you want to know?” he asked, obviously ready to tell me everything.

I looked into those eyes and said, “Just tell me about…New York, and school.”

My mom came in and brought us both lunch.

“You’re still a vegetarian, I’m assuming?” she asked. I could tell she was nervous about me getting hurt again with him this close.

“Yes, I am. Thank you,” he said, accepting the grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

“Okay…well, if you need anything, Honey, I’m just downstairs.”

We both watched her leave my room.

“She looks at me like I’m a murderer,” Shane admitted.

“She remembers the months I spent in here crying.
I tore those pictures of you off the mirror and walls a thousand times and then I’d put them right back up. I was hysterical. I think she’s worried it’s going to happen again,” I looked up at him, “Is it? Are you going to leave again? Please, tell me now before Shannon gets too attached.”

He stood up. “I didn’t want to leave you.” He sighed and sat back down. “I’m not going anywhere. I wish you’d believe that…trust me again.”

“Tell me about school,” I asked, changing the subject. “Why New York?”

“Because you were right about me needing to apologize to Melinda.”

“Melinda?”

“Yeah, the girl I thought I’d raped.”

“Thought?”

“I went to see her, to apologize, like you said. Clear my conscience, closure, whatever you want to call it. She was married and very pregnant. She’d grown up a lot. She um, she set me straight on a few misconceptions about that night. Evidently, I was too drunk to remember anything clearly. And, just as I started to apologize to her, she broke down crying. I thought I’d made a huge mistake by dredging up old memories for her, but suddenly she was the one apologizing to me. She told me she was the one that forced the issue. I only tried to get her to drink with me, to drown our sorrows. She said I didn’t force myself on her, that in fact, she was the aggressor. I didn’t believe her at first. I spent years having nightmares about her torn gown and the blood on her thighs. And when I asked her about that, she told me she wanted me to think I’d taken advantage of her so that I’d stay with her. She made me believe I’d raped her so that I’d feel guilty and we could run off together.”

“How could she do that to you? If she loved you…”

“She’d been abused by her father for years. I didn’t know that. No one knew that. She knew my father…and how he was, and thought we could both use a fresh start. I don’t blame her.”

“But, you turned yourself in for a rape you didn’t commit. You went to Juvenile Hall for two years!”

“Yeah, and I got my GED while I was there. I never would have finished school if it hadn’t been for that.”

“You’re much more forgiving than I would have been.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. We both had it rough as kids, but honestly, she had it so much worse. I never knew. She had three abortions because her father wouldn’t stop using her. It’s amazing she turned out so well. She’s actually happy now. She’s married to a really nice man who obviously loves her.”

“That’s good. So, now you can stop feeling guilty about…that.”

“Yes and no. I still feel bad for her. I wish I had known.”

“What could you have done? You were a kid. You had your own problems.”

“Yeah, well as bad as my father was, he never molested me.”

“Did you come back for his funeral?”

“Yeah.
I saw you there.”

“I didn’t see you. I looked for you, hoping to see you. I wanted closure, too,” I admitted.

“I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you that day. I watched from the top of the hill over-looking the cemetery. I stayed around a few days and watched for you. I did come back a few times, but every time I did, you were with him. I didn’t want to ruin your life again.”

“I didn’t have a life without you. I married Parker because,” I shrugged my shoulders “…I didn’t know what else to do. Suddenly I had a baby and the thought of raising her alone terrified me. I was so afraid I’d resent her because every time I looked into her eyes, I saw you. I needed a buffer, I guess. I hated and loved you so much that I didn’t trust myself to be alone with her at first. The nightmares started again and my mom was practically living here, in this room every night. She took care of Shannon those
first three weeks, and finally, I realized I needed to grow up. She was my baby and I didn’t want to raise her here, under my parents’ watchful eyes. They would have taken over. They meant well, and they only wanted to help, but I needed to be her mother.”

“You still would have been her mother. You’re a wonderful mother.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I loved her from the moment I saw her. But I knew I needed to grow up, and I couldn’t do it from my childhood bedroom. I thought agreeing to marry Parker would make me a grown-up. I didn’t realize that I’d just gone from one crutch to another. I almost left him the morning after…”

“The morning after what?”

I sighed. “I didn’t, I mean, I didn’t want…him. I just wanted to be able to say I was married and have a place to raise my daughter. But, I was married, and after three months, Parker wasn’t willing to wait…any longer.”

He looked away. “I don’t really want to hear the rest.”

“I know. I don’t really want to talk about it. But, I need to.”

He turned back to me and said, “I’m listening.”

“Parker loved me, I knew that. But, I never loved him. He was good to me and I guess I figured I owed him. But, I couldn’t go through with it. I kept putting him off. At first I told him I needed to heal after childbirth and he agreed to wait until I was released from my doctor and I was physically and emotionally ready. But, that day never came. I lied to him for weeks. When he found the release from my doctor stating it was okay for me to return to normal everyday activity, he confronted me with it. I didn’t know what to say.”

“Did he force you?” he asked, his hands balled into fists.

“No, he um, he did something worse. He was understanding and kind. He helped around the house, brought me flowers, took me out to dinner with no expectations whatsoever.”

“He had ulterior motives.”

“I know. But, I was his wife…am his wife. When I agreed to marry him, I was only thinking about providing for Shannon and trying to learn how to forget about you. That was really hard to do every time I looked into her eyes…your eyes. I thought it would be easy. Just close my eyes and pretend I was on a tropical island or something. But, any time he got close to me, I couldn’t stop myself from shuddering and pulling away.”

I straightened the blankets around me. “One day he called me from work and told me to get dressed up for a night on the town. He’d asked my mother to babysit and he’d arranged a limousine to pick us up. He planned everything perfectly. Dinner, dancing and then a Broadway show. I actually had fun and he never pushed me. By the time we got home, I realized I’d had a really nice evening. He can be charming when he’s not so full of himself. He made that night all about me, choosing my favorite restaurant, having them play my favorite songs and then taking me to see a play I’d wanted to see for years. When we got home and we walked upstairs together, I assumed he’d want… But, he didn’t ask and he didn’t seem put out that I didn’t offer.  He said he had a wonderful evening and said goodnight outside of my bedroom. And then he walked down the hall, smiled at me and went into his room.”

“I felt so guilty. We’d been married over three months and I hadn’t let him touch me, not so much as a kiss, except the one mandatory kiss at the wedding. I went into my room and opened my dresser to get out some pajamas and found a negligee my sister bought for me.” I looked up at Shane with tears in my eyes. “I didn’t want…him, I just felt I owed him. You were gone and I had to face it.”

“I’m sorry, Rebecca. I wish I could have changed things.”

“You did. You changed everything. I never wanted Parker, but before you, I could tolerate him. I’d accepted him as an uninvited part of my life, but a part of it, nonetheless.  When you left, I shut myself off. I didn’t feel anything anymore. So, when I was…with Parker, I wasn’t on a deserted island, basking in the sun, I was in a dark room, forcing myself to keep you out of my head.  I knew that would be worse than imagining a sunset or something.  So, I learned to shut out everything. I guess Parker got tired of sleeping with a corpse, and soon I suspected he was seeing another woman. I knew I should have been angry, but I was just so…relieved. He tried to hide it at first, but when it became obvious by the phone calls, texts and the smell of perfume, he realized I knew. He apologized, of course. But, I told him it was okay. I told him I knew I wasn’t giving him what he needed, and as long as he kept that part of his life away from Shannon, I gave him my blessing.”

“And he was okay with that? Your acceptance, I mean?”

“No, he got angry. Seems he was purposely trying to make me jealous, but I didn’t fall for it. He was crushed that I didn’t care that he was sleeping with half the women in his office, among others. But, I honestly didn’t care. I was grateful to them. That’s when he ordered me to move into the master bedroom with him. He said we needed to learn to be a real couple, and that we needed to work on our marriage. He reminded me that you were gone and that he’d stuck by me through everything. He said we didn’t have to do anything but sleep; that the rest would come, but it didn’t. Not for me. I never let him touch me again, and, I moved back into my room a week later.”