Experiencing God at Home (30 page)

Likewise, when children are intensely attention seeking, wise parents search for the reason. A parent could assume that because he goes to all of his son’s ball games and plans fun family vacations, the problem cannot lie in his parenting. Yet, when children crave attention to an unhealthy extent, it could indicate that they have not received adequate healthy attention (and correction) from their parents. Astute parents are alert to any sign that unhealthy attitudes or behaviors have crept into their children, and then they relentlessly, and humbly, seek its cause.

Failing at Home

Scripture relates that Samuel was one of the godliest leaders in Israelite history. No one could fault him for his conduct as a leader of God’s people (1 Sam. 12:3–5). Citizens could not recall one act of dishonesty or deceit on his part. Yet it was obvious to the people that Samuel’s sons were dishonest and corrupt (1 Sam. 8:1–5). The people told it to their revered judge straight: “Look, you are old, and your sons do not walk in your ways” (1 Sam. 8:5). Yet, instead of listening to the people, Scripture indicates: “But the thing displeased Samuel” (1 Sam. 8:6). This is one of those puzzling accounts we find in the Bible. How could a man who was blameless in so many ways produce such disastrous sons?

Scripture offers a few clues that help to explain Samuel’s domestic disaster. We are informed that while Samuel was judging, “He went from year to year on a circuit to Bethel, Gilgal, and Mizpah, and judged Israel in all those places. But he always returned to Ramah, for his home was there. There he judged Israel, and there he built an altar to the L
ord
” (1 Sam. 7:16–17). That is all fine and good. Everyone needs a hometown. But this is what we read of his two sons: “Now it came to pass when Samuel was old that he made his sons judges over Israel. The name of his firstborn was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba” (1 Sam. 8:1–2). When Samuel made his sons judges, he sent them to serve in the desert, far from him. Ramah is north of Jerusalem. Beersheba is to the southwest. There, unhampered by their father’s supervision, the two prodigals indulged all of their sensual appetites.

Why didn’t Samuel keep his sons closer to home? Perhaps he felt like they were men now and should be trusted. Maybe he chose to believe the best of his sons, regardless of the compelling evidence to the contrary. The truth is that the revered judge maintained his full ministry schedule while naively assuming his sons were up to the task of ministering to God’s people in a community distant from his own. We are not told that Samuel included Beersheba in his travels. Perhaps he sent his sons to a remote location in which he himself did not want to minister. It is clear that people knew of his sons’ degeneracy; yet Samuel apparently did nothing to address it. The signs were there, but the father chose not to pay any heed. There are times when parents are truly caught by surprise by the uncharacteristic or even bizarre behavior of their child, but most of the time there are telltale signs of what is coming, and why. Parents are wise to observe carefully, receive feedback humbly, and respond quickly.

4. Seek God’s Activity in Your Child’s Life

There is an interesting story recounted in the book of 2 Kings. The prophet Elisha had befriended a childless couple from Shunem (2 Kings 4:8–37). God chose to bless the couple and give them a child. Yet, one day their son began experiencing severe pains in his head, and he subsequently died. The mother knew at that moment she had only one place to turn if her son had any chance at life. She hurriedly made her way to the prophet Elisha. Even when the man of God sent his servant ahead of him to the boy’s home, the woman refused to leave Elisha’s side. She knew where God’s power could be found. Ultimately, the child’s life was restored.

There is much we can learn from this faithful Shunamite parent. The moment she realized her son was in danger, she hastily made her way to God. In fact, she remained as close as she could so as not to miss anything God might do. The woman also wisely understood there was nothing she and her husband could do to change the condition of their child. For the parents to have frantically applied their own remedies would have been supremely futile. Finally, the woman cooperated fully with God’s method of healing. It may have sounded strange to the woman when Elisha told his servant to lay his staff over the dead boy’s face, but the woman did not object. She knew her son’s life depended on her cooperation with God and His ways. The key to saving her son was the promptness and thoroughness of her obedience to the divine command.

We have talked with many parents who recognized that all their efforts to “talk sense” into their wayward children were merely driving them farther away. One mother grieved that her son grew angry every time she brought up the subject of God, church, or his behavior. But as his mother, she desperately wanted to “get through” to him so he understood that his actions could lead to devastating consequences. One day as she was praying for her son, God seemed to say, “Leave your child to Me.” The woman knew she could not change her son. On several occasions afterward, the youth made a provocative comment; and before the mother could respond, she sensed the Holy Spirit telling her to remain silent and not to engage in argument as she had done previously. Instead, she prayed and kept expressing love to her son. Gradually, God tore down the walls that had been erected and quenched the fires of anger that had been smouldering. God had always been prepared to work in the young man’s life, but the mother first needed to surrender her agenda and to allow God to do things His way.

At times God is working far more extensively in children’s lives than their parents realize. Only a few chapters later in the Bible, we read another marvelous story about the prophet Elisha and his servant. The king of Syria was extremely agitated at the fact that every time he attempted a hostile action against the Israelites, the Jewish prophet would alert his sovereign to the danger (2 Kings 6:8–13). Finally, in exasperation, the Syrian monarch dispatched a strong force with instructions to capture the annoying prophet. When the Syrian army surrounded the man of God in the city of Dothan, it appeared as if his career and his life were about to come to an abrupt end. Elisha’s terrified servant cried out: “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” (2 Kings 6:15). To anyone observing the situation, it appeared that Israel would soon need to elect a “prophet search committee” to replace Elisha. Yet Elisha prayed, “L
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, I pray, open his eyes that he may see” (2 Kings 6:17). Suddenly, Elisha’s distraught assistant clearly saw the reality of their situation. The Syrian army that had appeared so invincible was surrounded itself by angelic horses and chariots of fire. God had been at work all along, but the man had failed to recognize God’s presence and activity. There may be times as a parent when we feel as hopeless as Elisha’s assistant. It may appear to you as if your family is being besieged by an ominous enemy. Yet, that is the time you must be spiritually alert to God’s activity in your home. He
is
at work! Don’t miss Him!

5. Enlist Advocates

We have already referred to the account of Gideon in the book of Judges. This young man was facing a herculean task. The dreaded Midianites would invade his nation like a plague of locusts. Gideon could have been nominated for “least likely” to be anyone’s deliverer. Though he knew God had called him to save his people from their oppression, the task appeared impossible. But Scripture tells us the reluctant deliverer put out a call for those willing to stand with him. The timid Ephraimite may have thought he had to undertake the task alone, but incredibly thirty-two thousand men arrived at his call. Where had all of these warriors been the previous seven years? Waiting for someone to summon them! In fact, there were so many who responded to Gideon’s appeal for help that God used two different means of weeding out all but three hundred of them. With this select group of soldiers, Gideon routed the enemy and set his and every other family free.

One of the greatest deceptions parents succumb to is the lie that they must handle their family problems on their own. Raising a family was never meant to be a solitary affair! It requires a group effort! Sadly, parents often fail to enlist the help of those God makes available to them when they are confronting challenges in their family. Of course, we understand there are situations where no one seems interested in helping. We have known some desperate parents who asked for help from their church but who tragically received none. Yet at times, the primary problem is that we have not asked. Gideon might have continued threshing wheat in his father’s winepress for years without anyone coming to his aid. But when he diligently sent out a plea for help, he was overwhelmed by the response.

Many parents have told us that they keep trying to reach out to a wayward child even though their efforts bear little or no fruit. At times parents exclaim, “I don’t know what else I can do.” Ironically, perhaps, parents may not always be the ones best suited to work directly with their children. Sometimes the role of parents is to enlist others who can better exert a positive impact.

Enlisting Help (An Example from Richard)

When my oldest child, Mike, was a teenager, he experienced a period of struggle. I tried to talk with him about some of the issues he was facing, but Mike was not very responsive. As the oldest child, he was trying to assert his independence. He didn’t want to simply do everything his mother or father told him to do. But he still needed guidance. I tried adjusting my communication technique; I talked more loudly! But that didn’t seem to help matters any. Ultimately, I took a different route. I knew there was a young couple in our church that Mike greatly admired. The husband was a talented hockey player and an excellent drummer. He had traveled the world and, according to Mike, had “coolness” oozing out of his every pore. The husband was in his twenties and did not yet have children of his own. My wife, Lisa, and I approached them and asked for help. We explained that our son needed some wise counsel, but he was at a stage of life where he would be more responsive if it came from someone other than his parents. This was a humbling experience for me. After all, I had three teenage children, and I was asking for help from childless newlyweds. I was a Christian speaker, author, as well as a leader in my church. It surprised the couple that we would ask them for assistance in raising our children, but they graciously agreed to do what they could. They were true to their word. They always sought Mike out at church and encouraged him. They invited him over to their house and provided a listening ear. They told Mike many things we had also been saying to him, only it seemed more palatable, somehow, coming from them. Mike ultimately navigated himself through that volatile period of his life. I could produce a long list of names of people who walked with our family as we were raising our children. I am extremely pleased with who my children have grown up to become, but I am not naïve enough to think my wife and I deserve all the credit. There were many people in our church and among our friends and family who responded when we sent out a call for help. We owe a great debt to them.

Augustine and His Mom

Monica did not have an easy life. Her husband, Patricus, was an unbeliever. As such, he lived a dissolute life, indulging in carnal desires. He also had a violent temper. Monica had three sons, but her greatest concern was for her eldest child, named Augustine. He was lazy and shamelessly lived an immoral lifestyle. In response, Monica earnestly prayed and sought help from leaders in her church. For seventeen years Augustine rejected the efforts of his saintly mother. At one point she asked for help from a bishop. The cleric responded, “The child of those tears shall never perish.” When Augustine moved to Rome, Monica pursued him. There she sought the assistance of Bishop Ambrose. Through him, she ultimately saw her wayward son come to faith in Christ. Augustine would become one of the most revered of the early Church Fathers whose influence would impact countless people over the ensuing centuries, including an Augustinian monk named Martin Luther.

6. Wait on the Lord

The final encouragement for restoring your family is this: don’t give up! We know parents such as Monica who spent many years, even decades, seeking to bring their children into a close relationship with themselves and with God. The key is to wait on the Lord and to be responsive to how He intends to restore your family (Ps. 27:14). Some children are responsive and quickly restored. Others take more time. While it is not always profitable to debate or argue with your child, it is always important to pray for them. Some of the greatest saints in history were convinced to put their trust in Christ by the fervent intercession of their mother.

As you pray, you’ll become more sensitive to God’s timing. You can have confidence that the Spirit is constantly working in your children’s lives to convict and draw them to Himself. God knows when your children are open to hear the truth and when they are not. The Holy Spirit will guide you to know when to pray, when to speak, when to remain silent, and when to act (Rom. 8:26–28). Like the father of the prodigal son, if you have been waiting on the Lord, you will be prepared when a crisis or turning point occurs that draws your child back to God and to you.

Perhaps the most difficult thing parents must do is to wait upon the Lord. Notice what the psalmist said in this regard:

Rest in the L
ord
, and wait patiently for Him. (Ps. 37:7)

I waited patiently for the L
ord
; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth—praise to our God. (Ps. 40:1–3)

If you are presently bewildered about what to do to help your family get back on track, make sure you are waiting upon the Lord, patiently and expectantly. He knows what He is doing. You can trust Him! Fervently seek Him and be quick to respond to His promptings.