Exploits (35 page)
Authors: Poppet
I've come a long way, thanks to loving friends like Selene, and from knowing people calm and balanced, like Richard, Zeke and Tom. I've learned how other people function from my friends. Love isn't explosive and angry, and no one can dictate to you. You have the power to say no. And just because he's not as bad as your parents doesn't mean he's good to you.
Pay attention, I'm sharing wisdom here.
If Gary taught me anything, it's that love belongs to an equation that does not fail.
Love = Pain
If you love someone, they can hurt you. If you love someone, the loss of that person, through divorce, illness, death or drugs, will destroy something sacred inside you. The parts of you that once were whole are systematically stripped by the pain of heartache.
There is only one kind of true love. And I've found it. Or it found me. The day when Gary flippantly made that remark about me being fucked up. In that moment I knew, I love myself far too much to ever let him put me through his shit again.
I finally found a love that lasts. Love for myself. And only by loving myself am I safe from abuse and control. Because if I love myself, as much as I loved Gary, I will always have the motivation to make me happy. To keep me safe, to fulfil my dreams, my goals and my desires.
Yes. I love me. At last, I love myself enough to make better choices. I love myself enough to be alone if need be. If someone treats me badly I'm better off without them. Never again can anyone take this away from me. Even death can't take this away from me.
I know, I'm all gushy and should start sending myself secret admirer notes. Send myself a Valentine's card. But I mean it. I hope you find the love I've found. It's complete. It makes me whole. And I am happy.
I have happy tears right now. I accept myself. I love myself. I'm putting that girl in the mirror with the bright blue eyes FIRST!
I'll let you know what happens, but I have a feeling that loving myself like this means I will never be insecure again. Because even though I love Richard, I don't need him to validate my existence. I'm not needy. I think you only find and keep rewarding and nurturing love when you don't
need
to be loved by anyone else. Gary owns people. If someone thinks they can own you get the fuck away from them as fast as you're able.
Okay, enough chitchat. I have to go. And next time, I promise, I'll give you the dish on the thrilling ride of being engaged to a man-god.
Define man-god. He doesn't need me. I don't need him. Because of that we never stop treasuring each other, because we both think we're the luckiest souls alive.
Must go. Kiss kiss.
Bye.
P.S: Oh wait! I nearly forgot the best bit. Years later, Neville and I were chatting. I was shocked, to be honest, when he told me he'd been talking to Gary about me. Doesn't it ever end? But anyway, to the point: Neville shared what Gary had told him, "I think I fucked her up for life."
Oh puh-lease!
He wishes. He'd love to take the credit for ruining me forever. Although to be fair, I'm surprised he's grown enough as a person to recognise that he damaged me.
So Gary, if anyone ever shares this private conversation with you, I'd like to go on record here. "You are not that powerful. It's time someone popped your ego and gave you a very expensive reality check."
I'm happy asshole. Deal with it!
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank the following bands/musicians for the use of their songs in this novel, and for the added freedom of using their work in promotional materials.
Surrounded By Idiots
(SBI)
www.surroundedbyidiots.com
Especially Scott Norton and Scott.
www.makesomenoise.co.za/members/654/index.php
Especially Nancy
www.lapazrocks.com
Especially Chic McSherry
I must thank the many writers who reviewed Exploits for me, the most in depth review being from Lesly Uhl, also Simon Corbin, John Booth, Jan, Emma, Jim and Harper Collins UK. And a special thanks for your support to authors Anna McNally, Jeff Blackmer and Simon Corbin.
My biggest thanks goes to my husband who gives me endless freedom to write and who supports my work.