Exposed (Free Falling) (33 page)

Sam turned toward me when my hand fell away from her skin.  My eyes drifted up toward hers and we exchanged a loaded stare as we acknowledged that this bubble we’d created around ourselves would eventually pop.

“Do you
wanna go for a drive so we can talk?” I asked, feeling unsettled just at the thought of it.

She searched my expression, trying to read me before giving in to a nod.  “Yeah…I think we should.”

*****

Sam

While I strapped my sandals, AJ searched for driving directions on his phone.  I grabbed my keys and led us out to the hallway, and eventually we were seated inside his car. 

We hadn’t said much since ge
tting out of bed that morning, but I had a feeling we’d have more than enough conversation whenever we reached our destination.  While AJ showered, I’d written out a list of everything I wanted to say.  Hopefully I wouldn’t have to actually whip it out and reference it, but I didn’t want to leave any stone unturned.

I sat beside AJ
silently as the scenery whizzed by.  More than once, I’d heard the faint buzz of his cell phone, but he never answered.  I wasn’t sure how that
should’ve
made me feel knowing that it was Kira he was ignoring, but it served as a reminder of just how necessary this talk was – how necessary it was that we had it before Thursday when he was scheduled to be on a plane on his way to Fairfax.

It didn’t take l
ong to realize that we were headed toward Queens, but I still hadn’t asked where our trip would conclude.  AJ made one stop at the store while I waited in the car, and then he dropped the bag in the trunk before I could make out what was inside.  However, it all made sense once we arrived at Fort Tilden Beach and he whipped out a large, thin blanket for us to sit on.  My thoughts had made the journey to the edge of the Rockaways seem shorter that it actually was and my lack of attention meant that none of the words on the signs that we’d passed had even registered.

Grabbing one edge of the blanket to spread it over the sand
while AJ held the other, I felt my pulse quicken at the thought of sharing my thoughts and concerns with him soon.  Sure, it was one thing to scribble them out on a sheet of paper, but another to actually let him know what was on my mind…and on my heart.

I smoothed my
yellow, cotton sundress and then sat a few inches away from AJ as a warm breeze swept over us.  My eyes were fixed on the give and take of the waves as they came teasingly close to the place where we’d settled.  Accompanying the sound of the gently rushing waters, seagulls cawed as they walked a section of the beach not too far from AJ and me.  The sun was at its highest point in the sky, but the moderate seventy-three degree temperature made it tolerable.  I glanced down at AJ’s left hand beside my right and shuttered when my imagination forced me to envision a gold band on his finger.  He didn’t notice how quickly I looked in the opposite direction of him.

“It’s beautiful out here,” were the first words he’d spoken in a while.

I stared out as far across the water as my eyes would let me see, nodding in response to his statement.  “Angel and I come here sometimes throughout the summer.  It’s almost
always
this quiet, too.”

AJ leaned back on his elbows and lowered the shades that were perched on top of his head. 
It was difficult for me to make small-talk when there were so many things we needed to discuss, so I decided to start, desperate to rid our existence of the awkward tension that’d surfaced.

“You seem…different,” I forced out with a sigh, feeling instantly self-conscious about letting him inside my head. 

I watched from the corner of my eye as his expression didn’t change.  The sunglasses made it even more difficult to read him.  Perhaps that was the reason he’d worn them.

“I’ve
just got some things on my mind,” he answered.

I nodded, understanding that – what happened between us a couple nights ago had changed things drastically
, hence the reason I was now determined to keep it from happening again.  Before being intimate, we were able to disguise this pull between us as just wanting to be in one another’s presence, like two old friends catching up; however, when we allowed things to get physical, all of that changed.

There was more to it than that, though.  A number of factors had me questioning myself, and AJ was probably feeling the same way.  First on my list was how quickly it all happened.  Wednesday we spoke for the first time since the wedding, and by Friday he was in my bed.  I considered the fact that we’d
always
moved quickly, even in the past, and we’d
always
had unusually high….
everything –
chemistry, sexual tension, emotion.  Still, we were grown now, not young kids with a whole lot of learning and growing to do.  I was guilty of not letting myself completely get over my breakup with Jason, and AJ was guilty of cheating on his fiancé. 

Cheating…that’s such an ugly
word.

I
t seemed so easy for us to take things to a physical level, regardless of how bad an idea we both knew it was.  At least
I
felt that way.  Here I was, condemning Jason for having a wife and me on the side and AJ was a few months away from being in almost the exact same situation.

“Jason sent me flowers yesterday,”
I blurted, willingly turning the conversation toward myself. 
Someone
had to do it.

AJ didn’t respond.

I took another breath and made the details of my breakup known.  “He sent them to let me to know that he’s filing for divorce.”

Now
AJ responded. Shooting me a confused look, he waited for me to explain further.

“We’ve been together for almost two whole years and I found out that he has a wife that he’s been separated from and a son that I never knew existed.”  I revisited the memory of seeing the pictures of
Jason’s son for the first time and found myself wondering if I would’ve fallen into my current plight as easily if none of that had transpired.  If my trust for Jason had remained intact, would I still be sitting here having this conversation with AJ?

“You had to
find that out on your own?” he asked.

I nodded slowly.  “Once I became suspicious, he eventually confessed.  I honestly thought he was seeing someone else behind my back, but as it turns out, he kind of was,” I managed to smile, acknowledging the irony of it all.  “…His
son
.”

AJ didn’t say anything.

“Apparently they live in Boston, so while we were there for the wedding, he slipped out to go visit.”

“How has he
been able to get away to see his kid without you knowing?  Pretended to be going away on business or something?” AJ asked.

I shook my head again. 
“Nope.  It almost would’ve been better if he
had
been lying to me so that he could be a father to the boy, but last month was the first time he’d seen him in almost a year,” I explained.  “His lack of involvement was part of the problem.  Jason used to talk a lot about us starting a family one day, but…seeing him virtually abandon his son was eye-opening for me.  I couldn’t see myself with someone like him long-term.”

AJ was quiet for a while.  “I saw the vase and flowers yesterday.”

Now I understood why he didn’t seem surprised when I shared that part.  “They were sitting outside my door when Angel and I got back from fixing my phone.”

“Have you called him since then?” AJ asked with no real expectations one way or another.

I shook my head.  “No, but I know I’ll have to eventually.  I’m not gonna string him along.”

When AJ fell silent, I wondered what he was thinking.  Was he comparing his relationship ties to
Kira against those that Jason had kept secret from
me
these past couple years?  Was he imagining having to confess to Kira what we’d done, or was he imagining having to break the news to
me
that we’d reached the end of the line, like I was going to have to reveal to Jason soon, once and for all.

“
I feel torn,” I admitted vaguely, realizing after the fact that AJ could’ve mistaken the statement to mean that I was unsure about cutting Jason off permanently.

He
shifted his eyes toward me, but I didn’t turn away from the ocean.  “Torn about what?”

“
About us,” I replied.  “About where to file us away emotionally….morally.  I just should’ve known better than to get caught up the way I have.”  I sighed just thinking about it and AJ lowered his head.  “I keep thinking back and asking myself why I’ve made the decisions I’ve made when it comes to you these past several days, but I hate the answer that I’m getting.”

“
Which is?” he asked.

I scoffed
and shook my head at how such a complicated situation broke down to one, simple, unruly fact –
I loved him
.  I wasn’t going to say it out loud, though. 

AJ watched me for a few seconds and then turned away when I didn’t respond
to his question.  “Do you think that we just let things get out of hand?” he asked.

There we
re two answers to that question and I gave them both.  “Yes and no.  Yes, because of your situation – I honestly did try to keep things in perspective for the sake of what you and Kira have going.  And no because…” I considered not explaining this part, but then remembered that this was why we’d driven all the way out to the beach – to talk.  “No, because I know how I feel about you.  You’ve never been just some guy or just my ex, AJ.”

The words
‘I love you’
almost slipped out, but I stopped myself again.

He looked out across the sand.  “I keep asking myself why I chased after you
when I saw you pass by my building that day.  Was it loneliness?  Curiosity?”

Both of those explanations made me cringe.

“But…as quickly as those things cross my mind,” he added. “…they’re gone because I already
know
why I nearly killed myself getting down those stairs.” 

My heart raced, but I wouldn’t let him see that I was anxious.  On the outside, I looked just as in control as before.

“I’m still in love with you, Sam.”

And there it was
– that word that I wasn’t ready to say, and maybe wasn’t even ready to hear…
love
.

“I know that I shouldn’t be
and I know that loving you contradicts everything I’ve been telling Kira over the past three years, but…I just am – I’m in love with you,” he repeated.

The corners of my eyes stung, but not with the threat of
happy
tears.  These particular tears were filled to the point of bursting with pure, unadulterated sorrow.  They were tears of dread.  When one slipped down my cheek, I turned away so he wouldn’t see it.

“AJ…
I just need to know what the hell we’re doing,” I blurted, sounding stoic instead of desperate like I truly was.  The fact that the future of this situation was completely in his hands left me drowning in a state of unfathomable vulnerability.  My heart was caught up in him and I had the sinking feeling that I was about to lose.

Lifting the sunglasses from his eyes to his hair again, AJ continued to res
t on his elbows.  One rapid breath after another caused his chest to rise and fall more quickly as his nerves clearly kicked in.  The anguish in his expression made me sick to my stomach.  He knew like
I
knew…the decision was his. 

The sound
of a sigh passing through his lips caused me to stir a little and I faced forward again now that the tear had dried.  “All I know is…right now…I can’t see anything beyond you.”

What did that mean?

To me, it sounded as if our recent hookup had merely clouded his judgment and one day, maybe one day soon, the fog would clear.  The problem with that scenario is, when this happens, he could realize that being with me wasn’t what he really wanted.

Down fell another tear.

“I think this was a mistake.”  It hurt my heart like you’d never believe when I admitted that, but it was the truth.  Regardless of the feelings we shared for one another, the fact still remained that this man had pledged to commit his future to someone else.  At the root of that pledge was love.  It wasn’t for me to say whether what he felt for
me
was stronger than that which he felt for
her
.  The bottom line was, he loved Kira enough to ask that she be his wife.

No further conversation
was needed.  Whether he’d made up his mind or not,
I
had.  AJ watched as I stood to my feet and straightened my dress.  He grabbed my hand just as I was getting ready to walk back toward his car.

“Sam
…wait!”

“For what?”
I asked, unable to fight against the tears this time.  One by one they betrayed me, letting him know how broken I was at the realization that we could never be.  “This is on me,” I sobbed.