Exposed (Free Falling) (37 page)

When Kira came and stood beside the couch, I
was still staring at the screen of my phone, thinking very seriously about calling Sam back just because I hated the way that call ended.  It left me feeling undone – like more should’ve been said.

“Who was that?” Kira
asked casually, no trace of accusation in her tone. 

I turned to look at her towel-drying her hair.

“Uh…work,” I responded, noting again how much I hated to lie. 

Kira frowned.  “Is everything okay?”

I nodded.  “Yeah, just a minor hiccup I think.”

“Well,
” she smiled. “…I just hope they don’t try to steal you away sooner than planned.  You’re mine until nine o’clock tomorrow night.” 

I forced a smile. 

Walking closer, Kira reached for my hands and had me stand to my feet so that she could wrap her thin arms around my waist.  When I couldn’t think of any way to
not
hug her back without it being obvious, I placed my hands loosely on her back.

“We should head to bed,” she suggested softly.  “We have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

My heart sank. 
How
the hell was I supposed to explain to her that after not having sex – with
her
anyway – for three whole weeks, I wasn’t the least bit interested? 

Think, think, think…

I embraced her tighter and kissed the top of her hair affectionately, hoping to soften the blow of what I had to say next.  “Babe…I know it’s been a while, but…to be honest, I’m beat.”  I continued to run my hands up and down her back, trying to mask the emotional disconnect that was now plaguing my half of our relationship.

She was quiet. 
Too
quiet.  When she finally did speak, she sounded extremely disappointed…and maybe even a little embarrassed that she’d been turned down.  “Oh…um…of course. You worked all day, and…I should’ve considered that before I –“

“
No, don’t apologize.  Seriously, I
want
to…I just wanna make sure that I’m at my best.  You know?” I lied, stroking my hands down her shoulders now.

She looked up at me and forced a weak smile. 
“It’s fine.  Maybe, um…when you get in tomorrow, before your flight, we could –“

“Definitely,” I answer
ed, already thinking of a plan to implement for when she came at me again. 

“If you’re not too tired,” she added quietly as if baffled by the fact that I was choosing sleep over her.  A tight smile crossed my face and I
was glad to let it slip away when she turned her back.  I turned off the last light while following her to the bedroom. 

I could
n’t keep this up much longer. 

Kira
lay beside me silent and motionless, staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour now without speaking a word.  My back was toward her and I kept my eyes trained on the doorway, focusing on the darkness that consumed the hall.  I rested on top of the comforter like we were strangers as opposed to a couple with years under our belt headed for marriage.  The light of the moon cast a gray haze in the entire room through the open curtains, seeming to represent the cloud hanging over Kira and me in that moment.  The air was charged and I could practically
feel
her suspicion growing.  Seeing as how I’d been lying here sleepless all this time, she had to have realized that fatigue wasn’t really the culprit behind my rejection.  Still, she didn’t bother bringing it up.  When she turned her back toward mine, the room grew even colder.

It was nearly two in the morning when I finally heard her breathing deepen, meaning she’d drifted to sleep.  I didn’t doze until almost an hour later, so I awoke
a little after 5 a.m. frustrated and still feeling the effects of my near-sleepless night.  My head swam through the murky thoughts that now consumed me, so I decided to go for a run to clear some of it away. 

Kira didn’
t even stir as I changed into shorts and a t-shirt from the drawer.  I found a pair of tennis shoes that I’d left behind, slipped them on, and was out the door a few minutes later.

I missed this – the
silence as opposed to the constant serenade of traffic, sirens, and just…noise.  Here I could run in peace without sharing my path with hundreds of strangers.  Here I could hear myself think.  But here…there was no Sam.  That fact alone made leaving D.C. seem like one of the best things that’d ever happened to me.

I missed her like crazy and it’d only been about twelve hours since I left her sitti
ng in the cab to board my plane.  My heart broke every time I thought about our conversation.  Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I loved her.  That fact hadn’t changed even after all these years, but…did my feelings for her justify me walking out on Kira?  Leaving her sitting here with her heart broken after all she’d done for me?  It didn’t seem fair, no matter how badly my heart wanted me to choose in Sam’s favor.

Uprooting herself from her job to help me pursue my dream, loving me even before I could see beyond my past hurt to even realize she’d been there the whole time – those were the reasons why this decision wasn’t clear cut.  One woman I loved beyond reason, never ceasing to amaze me with how hard and fast just being near her makes my heart beat – while the other had given me
countless
reasons over the past three years to direct all of my affection toward her.  In my eyes, they both deserved better than what I was currently offering…
pieces
– it didn’t matter who had more or who had less, what mattered was that neither had me completely.

I stopped on the side of the road and clutched my chest when it tightened and burned from the inside.  My breaths rushed in and out more quickly than usual as I braced my hands on my knees.  Sweat poured down my face and I realized then that the stress of this situation would end up killing me long before I’d made up my mind at this point.  Something needed to be done – soon. 

Already, my mind had begun to lean in the direction that seemed most sensible – Kira.  We were already headed down the path toward marriage and we had time invested in this relationship…however…even after considering how rational all of this sounded…I wasn’t ready to let Sam go.  I’d loved that girl since forever, made a fool of myself on more than one occasion to prove this fact.  Now that fate had dropped her right back in my lap, I couldn’t imagine letting her slip away again. 

I exhaled slowly until I could control my breathing again.  My chest felt less weighted when I stood upright and decided to walk back to the house instead of running.  Still lingering in the valley of indecision, I came to the only conclusion that made sense – tell Kira what I’ve done.  This seemed like the only way to make t
hings right.  Whether we stayed together or went our separate ways, she’d have to know about Sam and me.  So either way you cut it, I was done living a lie.

Let the chips fall where they may…

*****

The house was still silent when I closed the front door behind me.  I took off my shoes and traipsed up the stairs where I found Kira still fast asleep.  Not knowing how bad the conversation between us would get, I packed my things and set what I’d need to get dressed for work on the bathroom counter.  Leaving my lone bag at the front entrance, I took the stairs by twos and went to shower.

The scalding water washed away the few traces of doubt that lingered.  It wasn’t that I was unsure about whether telling Kira was the right thing to do or not, I just wondered if I really had it in me to break her heart like I was about to do.  While I hated the idea of hurting her, this had to be done.

I stepped out of the shower, securing one towel around my
waist and another over my shoulders after drying my hair.  I finished brushing my teeth and had just swiped a second strip of deodorant beneath my arm when my attention darted toward the now open bathroom door where Kira stood staring.  At first I didn’t understand why her eyes were fixed on my back with that look on her face – confusion, disgust, rage – and then it dawned on me…Sam’s scratches. 

Why the hell couldn’t I have just remembered to lock the door?

The speech I’d prepared to give – the one I hoped would make me look at least a
little
bit less guilty by confessing as opposed to getting caught – was now null and void.  My attempt to soften the blow of Kira finding out what I’d done was now shot to hell.

Her
eyes flickered when she met my gaze and then her voice rang out into the silence.  “Do I even need to ask who those’re from?” she asked, her voice cracking when she spoke.  She’d figured it all out – why I didn’t want to sleep with her the night before, why I’d been so distant since my arrival. 

There wasn’t a response in the world that would’ve appeased her at this point, so I stayed silent.

In that one fleeting moment, all of Kira’s fears that had set in the moment she was present to witness the unquestionable chemistry that hung between Sam and me, were realized.  While I’ll be the first to admit that this wasn’t how I intended for Kira to find out, there was still a sense of relief that I wouldn’t have to pretend with her anymore.  We’d face this head on and figure out where to go.  I don’t know how some men keep up the charade for years or sometimes even decades.  After only one week, I’d had enough of living a double-life. 

“How long?” she
sighed.  “Since the wedding?”

I shook my head. 
“No.  Since the move.”  I didn’t bother to give an exact timeframe.  It didn’t really matter at this point.

The room was so quiet that my ears started ringing.  Kira wouldn’t look away from me as her eyes filled with tears that threaten
ed to spill over.  She finally blinked and looked to the ground as the first of many finally streamed down her cheeks.  Knowing that this was all because of me, I didn’t even feel worthy of consoling her.  Instead, I just stood there and watched the beginning of her breakdown.

“I knew this was
gonna happen.  I knew it.  I could feel it,” she uttered softly, more so to herself than to me. 

I didn’t know what to say.

She lifted her eyes to mine again.  “Why, though, AJ?  I’ve been good to you!  I mean, haven’t I?  You needed a friend, I was your friend.  You wanted someone to talk to, I listened.  I gave you
everything
!  My heart, my
LIFE
!  You…” her eyes fell to the ring on her finger as she shook her head.  I half expected her to rip it off and throw it at me, but she didn’t.  Instead, she twirled it on her finger as sadness continued to ravage her.

“Kira, I –“

“She
left
you, AJ.  LEFT YOU!  Have you forgotten about that?  Have you forgotten how messed up you were because of her?  And who was there to pick up the pieces? 
ME
!”  She paused and a few more sobs bellowed from her throat.  “How could you do this to me?”  She screamed.  “Is it something that I did?  Something that I
didn’t
do?” she asked, nearly pleading.

It wasn’t possible to feel lower than I felt in that moment.  Here
I was, standing in front of Kira with tangible evidence that I’d been unfaithful, and she was blaming herself.  I took a step closer and hesitantly extended my hand, but then, at the last second, decided against touching her. 

I felt like a monster
– for hurting her, for breaking her, and for bringing Sam into all this.  I had a feeling that they were both currently wishing that they’d never met me.  Kira truly had been my saving grace, and for years after that, she’d been my anchor.  Putting myself in her position, I understood how unfair this all seemed – that a woman who’d walked out on me could now replace her.  But I couldn’t change how I felt about Sam.  I could choose to stay away from her if that’s the way this all went down, but my feelings for her would remain. 
Always
. 

“Do you love her?” Kira asked in a whisper
, right in synch with my thoughts.

I stared into her eyes, fully prepared to not answer the question.

“
Do you love her
?” She yelled, demanding a response. 

I eventually
told the truth because she deserved to know.  “Yes.”

Her heart broke even more right
there before my eyes.  Despair overwhelmed her and she took a step forward like she’d embrace me and then reminded herself that I was the one inflicting the pain.

Backing further away
, she shook her head frantically.  “I just don’t get why I wasn’t enough,” she breathed.  “Was this ever real?  Was
any
of this ever real?”

“Of course it was,” I
assured her, grasping at straws.  The next words that entered my mind sounded so cliché that I almost didn’t want to say them aloud, but they were the truth.  “Kira…I never meant to hurt you.”

She swiped at h
er tears, but didn’t respond. 

“I didn’t plan it like this.”

“I know, I know…
it just happened
,” she added mockingly, thinking that was what I’d say next.