Exposure (7 page)

S
carlett was yammering
in the cab, apparently trying to fill the silence. I was just sitting there, staring out the window. I didn’t want to speak and I didn’t want to listen. I just wanted silence and solitude. I wanted to just get into the safety of my bed and never, ever leave.

“Oh my God, CJ, that man is probably the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I mean, I’ve seen pictures of him, but they don’t do him justice at all. At all.”

I just nodded my head. “I guess so.” At that moment, Scarlett was acting like a groupie, not like my best friend and soul sister.

“I guess you’re going to explain all of this, huh? I mean, I have to confess that I’m more than a little bit confused as to why you were in the hospital with that gorgeous man, and why he’s not taking you home. But I hope that it will all come out in due time.”

“In due time.” I leaned my head against the window of the cab, and the comforting sound of the rain lulled me almost to sleep. The sedative was working its magic, that was for sure.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, CJ. I’m just sitting here drooling over your date.” And then she giggled. “I’m not being a very good friend, though, so I’ll just shut up for now.”

“He wasn’t my date. He was just my wannabe charity benefactor. And now he’s nobody.”

“What do you mean?”

I just shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. I just want to get home and get into bed and forget today ever happened. Forget that Asher Sloane even exists. Sorry about that.”

“Oh, no need to apologize,” she said. “I mean, I should be the one apologizing. I lost all sense of reason when I saw that man. But I’m being insensitive, so I really need to just be quiet.”

I just continued to look out the window and say nothing. The rain and the sound of the wiper blades on the windshield of the cab were soothing me. I didn’t know it until right that second, but I really missed the sound of wiper blades. I also missed the sounds of cars driving on slick streets.

It’s funny how you start to miss little things when you don’t get them anymore.

Finally, the cab came to a stop in front of our place. I attempted to hand the cabby my debit card, but Scarlett handed him hers instead.

I didn’t protest, even though Scarlett was also making me feel like a charity case. I was the one in the hospital, yet she was the one picking up the tab. Because she knew that I couldn’t afford it.

Couldn’t afford the cab ride home. What had my life come to?

We walked through the door of our building, and I trudged up the four flights of stairs. Scarlett was right behind me. She had her hand on the small of my back, as if she were afraid that I would fall down otherwise.

When I got into the apartment, I went straight into my room and got under the covers. I was fully clothed.

Then, without warning, came the torrent of tears.

I cried myself to sleep.

T
he next day
,
I slept in until noon. When I woke up, Scarlett had long since gone to work. So, I was all alone with my thoughts.

Feeling completely depressed, I logged onto the computer. I needed to find my online support group and pour out my heart on what I was feeling. I didn’t think that I could get any lower. It was bad enough that I felt, in my heart, like a pathetic charity case. To have that confirmed by the man that I was starting to have real feelings for was…there were no words for that, really.

The door was buzzing, though. I ignored it. I had no idea who might be down there, and I probably didn’t want to know. It certainly wouldn’t be charity benefactor Asher. He was at work.

The door kept buzzing and I kept ignoring it.

Then, about five minutes later, the door was knocking.

With a sigh, I opened it.

There was a man standing there, with a huge bouquet of roses in his arms. They were long-stemmed and red, and the crystal vase that held them was one of the most beautiful I had ever seen.

“Delivery for CJ Parker,” the man said.

“Thanks,” I said, without enthusiasm. I took the roses into the apartment and looked at the card. “I’m so sorry about yesterday, CJ. Please forgive me for being so insensitive.”

I sighed. I wasn’t going to forgive him. Well, that wasn’t necessarily true. I could forgive him. But I wasn’t going to see him again. Not when he put it to me that he could never fall for me. That would be the ultimate recipe for disaster – getting involved with somebody who says, right up front, that he wouldn’t reciprocate any feelings that I might have.

Still, the roses were beautiful, as was the vase. He certainly had good taste. But, no matter. Good taste or no, he was bad for me. And that was that.

I got back on the Internet, and went into my support group chat room. I had made some real friends in this online group. They all knew what I was going through. Most of them had been through tragic circumstances, although very few were as tragic as mine had been.

I read some of the messages that were going back and forth. I usually was one to chime in with what was going on in my head that day. But, for some reason, I just couldn’t. So, I lurked.

Something had to change. And soon.

Just because I was already depressed, I decided that I would go for broke and look at my bank account online.

Big mistake. I realized, after looking at it, that the time had almost come. I was soon going to be out on the street.

My checking account had a negative balance, and I was in overdraft protection. My savings account had $500. My share of the rent was $1,000 and it was due in a matter of days.

I put my head down on the desk. I hadn’t even opened up my hospital bills. I was trying to forget that these bills even existed. Of course, the bills had stopped coming, and, in their place, were threatening-looking correspondences from various law firms. All of these were unopened, of course. After all, what could they possibly get from me? I had no property and no money. I was what was known in the debt collection field as “judgment proof.” Which basically meant that any judgment that would be assessed against me would go uncollected. I knew the drill. Those lawyers would never sue me, because, as long as I had no property to attach, they wouldn’t ever get dime one from me.

Not dime one.

B
y the end
of the day
, I was starting to realize one thing. I had no choice. I was going to have to suck up my pride and at least talk to Asher about his offer. As angry as I was with him, and as hurt as I was, I also was pragmatic. I hated being in that predicament. Absolutely despised it.

And to think that I was going to have to be with a guy who took pity on me was a thought that absolutely turned my stomach.

But I could think of no other way out. Scarlett could, technically, carry me for at least a little while. She was a paralegal for a large law firm, so she wasn’t wealthy, but she wasn’t hurting, either. I didn’t want to ask her to do that, though. I wasn’t her responsibility.

I wasn’t Asher’s responsibility, either.

I shouldn’t have been anybody’s responsibility. Yet, I was. I was because I made it that way. I made it that way because of my negligence in my role in Nathaniel’s death. It all spiraled out of control after that.

My thoughts on the matter were jumbled and incoherent, yet I knew, in my heart of hearts, that I was going to at least talk to Asher, rationally, about what he had in mind.

I also knew that it would only be a matter of time before he showed up at my doorstep.

And, of course, I was right about that.

A
sher appeared
at my door around 6 PM. Scarlett had just gotten home herself, and was scooping out some takeout Chinese onto a plate. I had finally gotten myself out of bed, having retired for a long nap after giving up on my online support group. She was chatting and deftly using chopsticks to pick up the individual pieces of orange chicken¸ while I did my usual protesting that she was giving me too much, when the door was knocking.

She went to answer it, and there he was, looking more gorgeous than ever. “Asher,” she said. “How did you get into the building?”

He rolled his eyes. “Same way everyone else does. I waited until someone else was coming in the front door of the building and slipped in with that person. These security measures are really a joke, you do know that, don’t you?”

I knew that. Scarlett did, too. So did everyone else. Still, I supposed that the security measures did
some
good. I would like to think that if a shady-looking character, not some hotty like Asher, was trying to get in, the people entering the building wouldn’t be quite as accommodating.

Then again, they probably would be.

I didn’t say anything, nor did I get up to greet him. I had been wrestling, all that day, with what I wanted to do with him. About him. A large part of me wanted to stay the hell away from him, because I knew that he would hurt me. But my pragmatic inner voice¸ the one that was always lecturing me, was telling me that I had to tell Asher that I would take his deal.

The problem was, I didn’t think that I could do it without falling head over heels in love with him. And, with him telling me, point blank, that he couldn’t love…well, that was a punch in the gut, to say the very least.

“Hello, CJ,” he finally said, when it was clear that I wasn’t going to get up off my dining room chair to greet him.

I raised an eyebrow and said nothing.

Scarlett looked at me and gave me a look that said
you’re being totally rude.

I just looked at her and shook my head, and picked up a piece of chicken with my chopstick and stuck it in my mouth. Then I deftly “scratched” my forehead with my middle finger. I did it deliberately enough that there was no mistaking the meaning.

Finally, Scarlett decided that she didn’t want to be in the middle of the tension, so she said “well, I think that I need to do a little grocery shopping. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

I nodded and grunted, but said nothing.

After she left, Asher joined me at the table, even though I didn’t invite him to do so. “I hope you got my flowers,” he said. “I’m truly sorry for the way things went down yesterday. I should have been more careful. Getting you out in the middle of the water and laying that on you wasn’t my most shining moment, I will admit.”

“No, it wasn’t,” I said. “But I’ll take your bullshit deal. I have to. I don’t want to, that’s for sure. I’m pretty much forced to, though. It’s either that or become homeless. And, considering I’m still terrified of being outside, I wouldn’t make a very good bag lady. I’d be freaking out all day long if that were the case. I’d be back in the nut house before the week is out.”

“CJ, I’m thrilled that you are willing to do this for me. But I want you to know that I don’t pity you at all. I really don’t. On the contrary, I understand you more than you know.”

“Asher, how can a billionaire like yourself ever understand me and what I’m going through? You’ve got more money than God, and you’ve got the looks to go with it. There is no way that you could possibly hang with what I’m going through.”

“Would you please stop saying that?” he asked. “Please. You have no idea what you’re talking about. I really like you, but I just can’t understand why you would want to automatically assume things about me just because of the way that I look or the size of my bank account.”

“Not to mention the size of other things,” I said. I was deliberately trying to be crude because I wanted to undermine the things that he was trying to say to me. Because I wasn’t in the mood to hear about how awful his life was when he clearly had everything.

“CJ, I-“

“Okay, Asher, here’s how it’s going to go. I’ll take the money that you want to give me. Hopefully it will be enough to pay off my medical bills and give me about a year’s worth of living expenses. That’s probably what I’m going to need, because I don’t see myself working anytime soon. I thought that I was getting better, but yesterday set me back. But, please note that I’m going to keep trying, every day, to recover.”

Asher was nodding his head. “Done,” he said.

“I’m not finished. Now, I want out of this deal as soon as possible. I’m not even sure how that will work, but maybe you can get your stalker set up with some new guy once she gives up the ghost with you, and then I can walk away. And then I don’t want to ever see you again. Ever.”

Asher was looking stricken at my words, but I didn’t care. He wounded me mortally with his own yesterday.

“Okay,” he said. “But don’t you think-“

“No. Don’t finish that sentence. You hold nothing for me, Asher. No promise of something more. Not even a hint of something more. In fact, you closed the door to that. Now, why would I want to stay involved with somebody who tells me, point blank, that he can never love me? You think about that one and get back with me.”

At that, he went over to my couch and put his head in his hands. I almost went over to him to comfort him, just because he looked so sad.

“CJ, I wish that I could make you understand. But, I just can’t right now. I mean, you know how you have problems talking about what happened to you? Well, I have the same issues. I will tell you that my life is not nearly as charmed as you might think. Not nearly as charmed.”

My anger was finally dissipating as I sat there and looked at that gorgeous man on the couch. I was still hurt by his earlier words, and I was still in despair by his proclamations that he could never love me. But I was starting to feel sympathetic. Because he was clearly trying to convey that he had gone through something heavy himself.

I sat down on the couch next to him and took his hand. “You can talk to me, Asher. I mean, I’m still hurt by what you said to me. And I’m still reeling that you think that I’m a charity case. But I’m not totally insensitive to the fact that you’re clearly suffering.”

He shook his head. “Another time, CJ. Anyhow, I think that, at least for the time being, you’re going to have to come and live with me. I hope that’s not a problem.”

It was a problem, of course. A very big problem. I had no desire to leave Scarlett high and dry.

Yet I had to. I knew that this was going to be necessary. There would be no convincing anyone that I was this man’s fiancée if I couldn’t leave my own apartment.

I scratched my head. “Okay, I guess I’ll go and pack, then.” There was the issue, of course, of the fact that I was going to have problems leaving with him. But I had my inhaler, and I assumed that it wasn’t far from my front door to his limo, so it wouldn’t be too terrible.

I went into the bedroom to pack my things. I filled up a suitcase with several weeks’ worth of clothing changes, my toothbrush, my toiletries and makeup. Asher was standing in the doorway to my room while I did all of this.

“Don’t worry too much about bringing a ton of clothes. I have laundry service come in almost every day.”

“What the hell is laundry service?” I was suddenly annoyed by how pampered and spoiled this guy was.

He looked amused at my question. “Just what it sounds like. A lady comes in and takes my clothes to be laundered and brings them back to me every day. She does the same for my dry cleaning.”

“You mean to tell me that you don’t have a washer and dryer in that huge palace of yours?” I was incredulous. What I wouldn’t have given for having a washer and dryer in my building, let alone my apartment. Scarlett and I made do with a Laundromat down the street before I became phobic. It was kinda fun, actually, as that Laundromat had a big screen television. We avoided the place on Sunday afternoons when the Jets or Giants were playing, however, as neither of us could stand sports.

Of course, for the past few months, Scarlett has had to do my laundry and hers, all by herself. She really was a saint.

“No, CJ, I don’t have a washer and dryer. I have never seen a need for that when I have Anna come in every day to take my laundry to a professional.”

I sighed. “And you don’t cook, either, apparently, as you have Marguerita do that for you. Anna does your laundry, Marguerita does your cooking. I suppose you also have someone come in to wipe your ass?”

At that, Asher started laughing. In spite of myself, I laughed along with him. It
was
amusing, really, imagining some poor schlep coming into the bathroom with Asher to wipe him up after he pooped.

“No, CJ, I don’t have someone to wipe my ass. That position is still open if you’re interested.”

I shook my head and kept laughing. “Thanks, but no thanks.”

I folded the last of my clothes. My wardrobe pretty much consisted of shorts, jeans and t-shirts. I also had workout clothes and tennis shoes. Other than tennis shoes, I had my scuffed Doc Martens and flip-flops. My one nice pair of shoes that I wore only on the most special of occasions were thrift store sling-backs which were still, surprisingly, in good condition. I had one dress to go with it.

Asher raised his eyebrow. “You really have the wardrobe of a college student, don’t you?”

“Hey,” I said. “I was a photographer before I became a basket case. There was really no need for fancy suits and heels when my entire job consisted of literally chasing down celebrities to take their photo.”

“I guess that’s true,” he said. “I actually envy you. It’s not always fun having to get dressed in the monkey suit every day.”

“Yeah, your life is really rough.”

Asher just smiled. “No, my life today isn’t rough. I’m doing what I love and I’m really helping to change the world. So, it’s not rough. But, again, I haven’t always been this charmed.”

Again with the cryptic hints that something bad had happened to him. I wished that he would just tell me what had happened and be done with it.

I supposed that I would find out in time what, if anything, had happened to him. Something that would explain the hints to me that there was some great tragedy that had affected his life. But, until then, I was going to stick with my initial impression – that this guy literally had it all.

“Okay, then Asher, since I assume that I’m going to also have laundry service, I guess that I’m packed then.”

He took my hand. “Well, then, I’m happy. Very happy. But let’s wait for Scarlett so that you can talk to her about this.”

I took a deep breath. “Let’s not. She’s going to go ballistic, I know, and I don’t really want to deal with that right now.” It was shitty of me, I knew, to just leave the apartment without a word. I assumed that I would be back living with her in a matter of weeks, or even days, though, so I thought that not talking to her about this face to face wouldn’t be too shitty. I would leave her an email that I would compose from the limo and leave it at that for awhile.

“CJ, you can’t just leave your best friend without a word.”

“I know I shouldn’t. But I feel that I have to avoid the inevitable lecture that she’s going to give me for screwing up my life like this.” I looked down at the floor. “
I
don’t even know why I would do something like this. You’ve told me, point blank, not to expect anything from you emotionally. And I’ve seen Dr. Phil enough times to know that when a man says something like that, I shouldn’t expect things to change. So, I’m really setting myself up for a huge heartbreak here, I hope that you know that.”

“Maybe not,” he said.

“Don’t say things like that to me. Your body has already made promises that you can’t keep. Don’t open your mouth and tell me that there is a chance that this can develop into more if you don’t mean it.”

“Okay,” he said. “I won’t. But I will tell you if things change for me in that regard. Believe me, I would like more than anything to really let myself go and fall head over heels for somebody. I just don’t feel capable of that, but, who knows, it might change.”

“Let me know if it does. For now, though, I’m mentally preparing myself for a no-strings-attached relationship and no-strings-attached mind-blowing sex.”

He smiled. “I was hoping you were still willing to have sex with me, but I was afraid to ask that of you.”

“Hey, I’m not stupid. Well, maybe I am. After all, the sex is what made me start to get attached in the first place. But there’s no way that I’m giving that up if I don’t have to.”

He tentatively offered me his hand, but I rebuffed it. “There will be none of that,” I said. “No hand-holding, no kissing me on the forehead. Those are gestures that will only get me more confused.”

He sighed. “Okay, then. Let’s go.”

And we left.