Faded (Rock Star Trilogy) (15 page)

Want.

After trick or treating with Anna, it’s her bedtime, so Stephan and
I head home. I’m dreading the car ride back, because I have a feeling that he is going to want to “talk”, and I’m not in the mood for more of his talking.

We drive for about
five minutes before Stephan says a word.

“Why did they put these stupid cameras in here?” he asks, pointing towards the dashboard.

“Because they want me to have zero privacy,” I guess. “It sucks, but there’s not much I can do about it.”

“Why did you agree to do the documentary?”

“I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Alec is a very convincing person,” I roll my eyes at his questions. “You were there. You seemed to think it was a good idea, too.”

“We need to talk, Scar, but not with these camera on us. Can we talk tonight?”

“Of course. But maybe we should do it at your house.”

“Ok
ay,” he agrees.

I’m scared to ask, but I have to. “Are you breaking up with me? Is that what you need to talk about in private?”

He doesn’t reply for a few seconds, which scares me. But finally, he answers. “Do you want me to break up with you?”

“Never. If you did, it would break my heart.”

“I promise that I will never break your heart, Scar.”

I smile at his words, because I know he’s
not
breaking up with me. But part of me is still scared of
what
he is going to say. I want Stephan to feel the same way that I do.

I am so in love with him that I can’t think straight. When he touches me, it’s like I forget everything else. It’s only us. And when he kisses me, the passion is overwhelming. I need him t
o feel the same. I want him to need me as much as I need him. He promises that he won’t break my heart, but he already has. Each and every day, he takes a little bit more of my heart. I’m waiting for him to give me his heart in return, but he doesn’t. He guards it with his life.

Maybe he’s scared that I will break his heart.

“Hey Stephan,” I say, breaking the silence.

“Yeah?”

“Just so you know, I won’t break your heart either.”

Stephan doesn’t respond to me. In fact, neither of us says a word the rest of the way to his house. The whole time I am wondering what he’s thinking.

I hope he’s thinking about love
.

About
twenty minutes later, I pull my car into my driveway, and we walk over to Stephan’s house. I told Peter that I was done filming for the night. He protested, but honestly he gave up pretty easily. I guess he saw the determination in my eyes. I was
not
going to lose this one.

Stephan’s mom and dad weren’t home, and Ethan
was at Mona’s Halloween party, so we had his house to ourselves. It was nice to be alone for once, even though I was not looking forward to the conversation we were about to have.

I followed Stephan to his room, and he shut the door behind us. He threw off his shoes, and went into the bathroom and began scrubbing away his zombie makeup. I did the same.

“We make good zombies,” he says.

“What did you think of Stacy and Anna?” I wonder.

“Anna was seriously awesome.” He answers.“She looks up to you so much. And Stacy wa
s…
a bit intense, but I liked her. She was just looking out for you.”

After we both scrub off the rest of our makeup, we go back inside his room and Stephan flops down on the bed face first. I take off my heels, and climb on beside him. He rolls over to look at me.

“You know, you’re kind of beautiful without makeup.”

“Kind of?” I question.

“Not just kind of. You’re absolutely stunning, drop-dead gorgeous, beautiful, sex
y…
I could go on.”

I can’t help but smile at his compliments. “I really thought you were going to break up with me tonight.”

Stephan shakes his head. “You are smart, but I swear, sometimes you are absolutely clueless. Can you not see how much I care about you? Why would I break up with the girl I plan on spending the rest of my life with?”

His words are so sweet. And I want to believe him, but I’m scared. How can I be so confident in myself, yet I can’t be confident in those around me? What more does he have to do to prove that he’s not leaving?

“I’m pretty screwed up,” I tell him. “I ran away because I got scared. What if I run away again?”

“I won’t let you run away,” he promises. “If you run, I will chase you. I won’t just let you go so easily next time.”

“I am scared, Stephan,” I admit.

“What are you scared of?”

I’m scared that you won’t love me back.
“I’m scared of losing you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Scarlett. How can I prove that to you?”

Tell me you love me.
“I don’t know. You say that now. But what if you change your mind.”

“Nothing in life is absolutely definite.”

“Exactly. And I don’t want you to break my heart.”

Stephan pulls me closer and kisses my forehead.
“Will you stay with me tonight? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but I want you here.”

I nod and lay my head on his chest.

“I don’t know how many more ways that I can say this, but you are mine. I’m offering you
forever
here,” he says softly.

“You’re only
eighteen. How can you offer me forever? How can you know what the future holds?” I ask.

“I can offer you forever, because I know that what I feel for you isn’t going away ever. I don’t know what the future holds, but it doesn’t matter. Whatever happens, my heart will always belong to you.”

I ponder his words. Does that mean he loves me? Why won’t he tell me if he does? If what we have is truly forever, this shouldn’t be so complicated.

“
I wish I knew what you were thinking.”

I laugh. “Well, you will know soon enough.”

He looks at me with curiosity. “How?”

“When you hear t
he song I wrote. The lyrics describe exactly how I feel about you,” I say, biting my lip. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Him knowing scares me. What if he hates it? What if he breaks up with me because of it?

“I wish you could just
tell
me what you’re thinking.”

I look at him, wishing that I could do the exact same thing. Love is what I’m thinking. It’s what I’m feeling. But I can’t get the words out. “I’m better at expressing myself through music.”

“I hate that your parents made you this way.”

“But
maybe you can tell me how
you
feel…”

He looks at me for a few seconds before responding. “I’m pretty sure you know how I feel. But I’m not certain that you feel the same way yet. So, I guess I’m scared of you rejecting me. I’d rather wait.”

“But what if we both feel the same way?”

Stephan smiles. “I guess we will see when I hear your song.”

Damn, he’s good.

“You frustrate
the hell out of me,” I tell him.

“Ditto,” he agrees.
“Would it be alright if I kissed you?”

“Why are you asking now? You’ve kissed me a hundred times befor
e…
”

“True, but I promised I wouldn’t try anything tonight that you didn’t want,” he explains. “So I need to know if you want me to kiss you.”

Instead of responding, I put my lips against his and kiss him.

I’m sick of being good. Just one night, I want to lose myself with him. I need him to touch me. I take his hand and place it under my shirt. It’s my way of telling him to touch me. There is no way I am going to stop kissing him long enough to actually say the words.

He climbs on top of me, and puts his leg in between mine. I tug up on his shirt, and he takes the hint. He stops kissing me long enough to throw it off. He’s only gone for a second before he puts his lips back on mine. He starts kissing my neck, and then pulls at the bottom of my tank top. He looks at me, waiting for me to say yes or no. I nod my head. I want every inch of clothing between us gone. Once my tank top is gone, he unclasps my bra and throws it on top of the ever growing pile of clothes on the floor. He stops kissing me long enough to stop and admire my body. He runs his hands over my breasts.

“You
are beautiful,” he whispers to me.

Before I even have a chance to respond, H
e starts kissing me again — on my lips, down my neck, and across my breasts. I want more. No,
I need more
.

I pulled down my skirt
, and Stephan gives me a wicked grin as he throws it on the floor. I unzipped his jeans, and he slipped out of them and his boxers. The only thing between us is my very thin, black lace thong. As his lips found mine again, I could feel just how bad that he wanted me.

His hands explore
my body, and with every touch I feel myself losing control.

“
I want you so bad,” he whispers against my lips.

He wants me.

But does he love me?

I pull away, just a little. I have
to stop. I can’t keep going, no matter how bad I want to. Not until I know if he loves me. But I am not about to ask him right here, because I know guys well enough to know that he would say about anything to get me to sleep with him.

“Maybe I should go.”

Stephan groans, and falls onto the bed next to me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“You did
n’t push me. I’m sorry I let it go that far.”

“We’ve been dating just over a month. It was too soon. I understand.”

I laugh at his statement. I’ve had my fair share of one-night stands. And if sex were all I wanted from him, I would have fucked him my first night in Hope. But I want so much more. I need to know that he loves me.

“It’s not the amount of time,” I say to him, as I get up and start putting on my clothes. “I’m just going to go home tonight. I’m sorry.”

I looked at Stephan one last time. He was lying naked on his bed, and the hurt look on his face was killing me. I knew that I should turn around and tell him exactly what I was thinking, but I couldn’t. So I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I walked away.

Saturday, November 1

9:07
AM

I will show them all

I hear a knock on my door, so I roll over and look
at the clock. It is Saturday morning, and I honestly didn’t plan on getting out of bed all day. My head is pounding, and I feel hung over despite the fact that I haven’t drunk alcohol in months.

“Go away!” I yell at the door, and then put my head back onto my pillow.

Ignoring my request, my door opens. I don’t look up to see how it was, because truthfully, I don’t care. I don’t want to see anybody.

“You need to come downstairs. Your lawyer is here to go over Bar
ry’s contract with you,” I hear Alec say.

I just lay there staring at the ceiling. “Tell him to come back later. I have a headache, and I don’t want to deal with it right now.”

“Get the fuck out of your bed right now and get dressed,” Alec demands. “I don’t care what your problem is. This is your job. I put my career on hold so I could help you. Now you’re going to get your ass downstairs within the next five minutes, or I am going to drag you down there myself.”

Alec walks out, shutting the door behind him. I force myself to get out of bed. Despite what my personal problems are, Alec is right. It’s my job, and I have to do this right now whether I want to or not.

I look down at my favorite green sweat pants, and my pink tank top. “Works for me.”

I brush my teeth and then head down stairs. I don’t feel like getting dressed up, so I’m not going to.

“Miss Ryan,” the lawyer greets me as I walk into the living room. He’s wearing a suit, as always.

“Hey
, Mr. Matthews,” I say. “How does the contract look?”

“Well, it looks quite favorable…
IF
your new song is successful,” he hesitates. I can tell he’s not too excited about telling me the next part. “But if not, then you’re basically going to be Barry’s bitch for the next four years.”

“FOUR YEARS!” I scream.

“Yeah,” he says hesitantly. “So you should really consider this before signing. Now, keep in mind, you will be doing well over the next four years. You’ll continue on as you have in your career, and financially, it would be good for you. It really wouldn’t be bad either way, but I know the point of this was to get your freedom.”

I nod, taking
in everything he said.

“As for now, you know that your contract with them is up right now. You could walk away right now, and never look back.”

“Could I go with another recording company?” I ask him, already knowing what he’s going to say.

“Unfortunately not. I wish I had been your lawyer when you originally signed with them. However, I could negotiate for you,” he explains. “If your single goes over well, you record your next CD with them and then after that you would the freedom to do
whatever and go wherever you want.”

“Do you think they would agree to that?” I ask him.

“There’s only one way to find out, but yes, I think they will,” he nods. “But you should know, from the looks of this contract, they are really expecting you to fail.”

His statement makes me angry. Not at him, but at my record compa
ny. Do they really not believe that I am good enough?

“Negotiate with them. I don’t want them to make another penny off me after this,” I say angrily.

“Certainly, Miss Ryan.” He picks up the contract off the table, and tucks it into his briefcase. “I will be in touch. We should probably know something by Wednesday, and then if you’re ready to sign, we will be ready to go.”

“Thank you, Mr. Matthews.”

After he walks out of the room, I fall back onto the couch, cover my face with a pillow, and scream.

Nobody thinks I’m good enough.

But I know I am.

Fuck them. I will show them all!

I grab my guitar and head to my room. I begin writing more songs. I am going to write enough hit songs to fill up the whole damn album!