Falcon Song: A love story (10 page)

He could tell lights were starting to come on for Jason about what Kate had needed. Jason asked, “What did she see? Was it bad? It couldn’t have been too bad. I haven’t done anything. But she’s so uptight about other girls right now.”

Around a bite, Cody said, “Just find the show. Then we need to get on their web site.

Three minutes later, they were on the site and Cody heard Jason groan. Cody put a hand on Jason’s shoulder. “No. It’s okay, man. I talked to her about that one. She’s fine with it. When she left, I think she was okay. I told her how you were. I even encouraged her to marry you soon. You owe me. This is what’s been bothering me. Why I sent Marilyn home.” Jason turned to look at him. “Meridee, whatever. Jason, if you were having the day Kate was having, i.e. you snapping at her, finding her boyfriend in a compromising story on TV and then finding stuff like this on the web, what do you suppose would be her next move?”

Jason groaned again as Cody said, “Maybe you’d better Google yourself.”

Jason sat at the computer with the mouse and went from groaning to swearing, while Cody stood behind him noisily eating pizza. Finally, Cody went back and dug in Jason’s fridge again. He came back with a bottled water, grumbling, “In my next life, I’m going to pick a best friend who isn’t so dang healthy. Water! You’ve got nothing but bottled water in that whole blinkin’ fridge. Hell, Jase, you can get water from the sink. If you’re gonna pay for something at least make it have carbonation if you can’t hold your liquor.”

Absent mindedly, Jason said, “I’m a singer, Cody. My lungs are my tools. Get off it. Maybe you could hit your notes from time to time if you tried the bottled water. Geez, I’ve never Googled myself before. This is awful.”

Cody walked to the door with his water. “I gotta go, dude. I’m gonna go home and Google myself and see if I turn out looking so much nastier on-line than I am in real life like y’all do. This could be epic. I might be legendary.”

Jason sighed tiredly. “Yeah, good luck with that.”

“I want to give your eulogy.”

“What?”

“Kate’s gonna kill you. She’s got actual photos of you kissing other girls. Several of them. She’s gonna kill you. I just wanna give your eulogy so I can defend your character after the fact.”

Jason looked at him without smiling and shook his head. “No, she won’t kill me. Violence isn’t her style. She’ll just be incredibly hurt and take a drive to Texas to talk to God and then she’ll have that haunted look and no smile the next time I see her.”

Cody walked back over to Jason and put a hand on his shoulder. “Geez, man. I didn’t even know God lived in Texas. No wonder those Texans are such pathetic braggarts. Good luck, dude. I’m gonna live on the edge and pray for y’all again. You’ll know if you hear a news story about God having a heart attack in Texas that I shocked Him into it.”

“Thanks Cody. Actually, God having a heart attack would be about the only thing insane enough to get Kate not to be heart broken about me tonight. I’m going to need those prayers. Go ahead and live on the edge.”

“That is my specialty! See ya, man.”

                                          ***

Kate found Jason asleep on the porch swing again. Her drive had left her drained, without answers and somewhat resigned. As she looked down at him sleeping, still, the only thing she really knew was that she loved him. Loved him dearly. In spite of everything.

When it came right down to it, that was what made her happy. She wished there was a way to separate this crushing heartache from the sweet peace she felt when she was with him. Who knows, maybe she could get really good at ignoring the parts of his life she didn’t understand. She sat down on the edge of the swing and touched his beautiful hair.

His eyes opened slowly and this time there wasn’t a smile, but there was a sweet, sincere tenderness as he quietly watched her for a few seconds. She stroked his cheek and then ran a finger over his sensuous bottom lip. Even if he wasn’t perfectly trustworthy, he was definitely beautiful. She kissed the tip of her finger and put it back there on his lip and said softly, “Wake up, sleepy head. You’re gonna get a million ‘squito bites out here.”

He sat up and reached out to touch her cheek. “I’ll live. How was Texas?”

She sat down beside him. “Still big.”

He smiled sadly, “I told Cody you’d driven to Texas to talk to God. He said he didn’t even realize God lived there. He’s decided that’s why Texans are egotistical.”

She laughed. “That’s exactly what I needed just now. Laughing feels good. I thought I didn’t get to see you until tomorrow? What brings you tonight?”

He groaned and made a sound of disgust. “Ah, I Googled myself. It was awful.”

She pushed the porch swing with her foot. “I know.”

“I’m not really as bad as it looks. I swear.”

“I know.”

They rocked in silence for a while until, finally, he asked, “So, what are you at me?”

She thought about that at length and then answered, “That, I don’t know.”

“Why are you not afraid of me?”

She laid her head against his shoulder. “Oh, Jason. You’re my knight in shining armor. You always have been, you always will be. Googling you isn’t going to change that.”

He turned to look into her eyes and she looked right back. Somehow, knowing she was carrying his child put some things into perspective. After her drive tonight, she still knew she couldn’t settle for less than knowing he only loved the flavor of Kate. Not in marriage. She could never do that. But they were best friends. And they now had the embryo of a child together. That was enough to circumvent the bitterness her first gut reaction wanted to feel toward him. The time was past for that. He wasn’t trying to hurt her. She knew that. He was simply human. That was his flaw.

At length, he asked her one question, “What do you want from me, Kate? Really?”

She smiled sleepily and quietly answered, “I only want it all from you, Jason.” She leaned back against his shoulder again. “Incredibly selfish, aren’t I?”

After rocking a few more minutes, he asked, “Kate, do you know I’m doing the best I can to make you happy?”

She reached to take his hand. “Yeah.”

Turning back to her, he asked, “Is it good enough? My best?”

“It has been so far.”

“But I haven’t given you it all.”

“We’re working on that, Jase. And you’ve given me more than you know.”

He leaned back against the swing again and tipped his head back to look up at the stars. “I’m going to do better, Kate.”

“Me too.”

He wrapped an arm around her and cuddled her against his chest, and she knew she needed to tell him. As much as she hated to shatter this peace, he needed to know. He had to leave town again for Lubbock day after tomorrow.

She basked in his arms for another couple of minutes, dreading having to rock his world with the news that had rocked hers. Finally, she took a deep breath and said, “Jason, I need to tell you something.”

He tensed against her and it made her instantly depressed. At first he didn’t answer her and then asked, “Is it going to make us sad, Kate? Whatever you have to tell me?” She nodded without saying anything, tears welling into her eyes. After a short pause, he said, “Then don’t tell me, Kate. Not tonight. Let’s put it off. Sad things can wait.”

She nodded again and struggled to swallow her tears so he wouldn’t hear them in her voice. “All right.”

He pulled her close again and whispered in her ear, “I love you, Kate.”

He did love her. She knew that. She never doubted it. But she’d been serious when she said she only wanted it all. She turned her cheek against his chest. “I love you, too, Jason.”

Chapter 9

Monday morning seemed to come on with a vengeance and it was definitely Monday all day. He’d had to get Kate out of bed when he called her to let her know he was cancelling on their morning for the time being and said he’d call her as soon as he could. And then she’d had to go in to work early and they never even got together at all.

They’d known when they fired, Ryan that they’d have to come up with an incredibly good pianist and fast to make their concert in Lubbock. They’d had Scotty, the manager Kate had hired, go over there on Sunday and start looking, and he’d found a handful of possibles, but now he wanted Jason and Cody to make the final decision.

Jason spent most of the morning and early afternoon on the phone and then he and Cody decided to head on to Lubbock to try to get things ready for their concerts the next day. They were going to be playing there two days in a row and several things needed to be solidified.

On their way out of town, he stopped at the restaurant to tell her their plans and the way her face fell fairly ripped his heart out of his chest. Lubbock was only a six hour drive away, but from the way she looked it could have been the moon. She’d gazed up at him with that shadow so deep in her eyes that it literally changed the color to indigo.

Still, she hadn’t complained. Just nodded and asked if he needed any help making arrangements. Sometimes he couldn’t even believe how mentally tough such a sweet, soft girl could be.

Kissing her goodbye was the worst. They didn’t have much time and even if they had, he wasn’t sure he could have healed the worry she tried to keep hidden from him. In the end, he’d just had to kiss her once, hard, promise her he’d come back to her and go.

                                          ***

Watching Jason and Cody pull away that day made Kate feel unbelievable guilty. It had been nine days since she’d found out she was pregnant and she still hadn’t told Jason. Now it would be at least a couple more and probably several depending on how they decided to finalize their travel arrangements. She was nearly six weeks along and she needed to clue him in to what was going on. Not only did he need to know he was a father, but she could really use some of his rock solid wisdom in knowing how to deal with everything emotionally. She watched until Cody’s Jeep turned out of sight and then she went back to her office to see if she could figure out what to do about this new development.

It didn’t take her long to decide that she had to go talk to him in Lubbock. After his second concert, but before he left for California the next day. That was what she would do. She mentally went over how to go about this and what she was going to say to him when she got there as she worked on her afternoon’s tasks. She wouldn’t tell him she was coming. It might throw him off of his game and mess up the concert. It would have to be late after the second concert in case they caught a red eye that night or an early flight the next morning. Just the thought of facing him made her knees weak and the morning sickness choose that moment to appear again.

She didn’t go to a lot of their concerts. It was hard to explain why. At first, it had just been that she couldn’t get in because she was simply too young, but since then other factors had come into play. Lately, she so struggled with watching such a large number of women be attracted to the man she had long ago come to think of as hers. It sounded silly, but it bugged the wadden out of her.

She hadn’t gone that much, but she decided that since she would be there in Lubbock and near the venue anyway, she would go and enjoy it. She even decided to just buy a ticket like any other Joe so she could experience one of their concerts just the way they did it, without any changes they may have made for her. She wanted to be able to sit in that stadium seat and hear him sing her song and be the only one in the whole place who knew who’d he’d written it to.

Her plans made, Tuesday morning she got on-line and bought her ticket, gassed up her car, told her mother of her plans, packed an over night bag and then went and got her hair cut. The idea of talking to Jason still made her nervous and maybe having perfect hair would help.

Wednesday she slept in as long as she could, knowing it might be a record late night for her. She’d been planning to spend an hour or two at work, but then when she got there, Maxine had things well in hand and Kate went almost straight back out to her car. This was it.

She phoned their manager, Scotty, and asked what hotel they’d be in and what Jason’s room number was. He didn’t ask why she wanted to know and she didn’t offer. Then, with a trepidatious deep breath, she got in and headed one more time to Texas, and this time it wasn’t to talk to God.

Lubbock was a long drive from Wye, Oklahoma and she stopped several times en route. She’d eaten a late breakfast and stopped in Wichita Falls for a late lunch and to rest her back again. Arriving in the city of Lubbock, she located the venue at Texas Tech, and then grabbed a deli sandwich before walking in to find her seat.

She was more than forty five minutes early and it was actually kind of fun to watch the last minute preparations from a totally unconnected perspective.

As the stadium steadily filled, she began to be frankly somewhat flabbergasted at how many people were here to see her friends make music. She’d been absolutely aware of the numbers they were attracting lately, but seeing it in the flesh was much more impactful. So was the fact that a huge percentage of this crowd was female.

Finally, the lights went down and for just a second the crowded quieted and then as a whole, they went wild. A shock of excitement went up her spine even though she knew there would be a warm up band appear before Jason and the rest of Aerie did.

The warm up band was good. Remarkably so and Kate didn’t doubt they’d go big if they had the work ethic and could keep getting along well enough. Still, she wasn’t sad to see them leave the stage. It had been several months since she’d been to an actual concert of Jason’s and she could feel her pulse rate go up a notch just thinking about him.

She could tell they were coming up the ramp before she could see them because there were people who started to scream and cheer even before the spot lights were there. Cody appeared first. He ran on to the stage with his usual energy and the crowd around her went into a frenzy. The drummer began and as Jason appeared, the crowd let out a scream and then Jason started on his guitar and the others joined in. The sudden onslaught to her senses of sound and lights, energy and Jason had her feeling like she had taken something illegal and she couldn’t help but let her body move to the rhythm . They were really good at what they did. She’d forgotten how good.

She’d meant what she’d said to Jason the other day about being a magician out there. That phenomenal sensuality she’d mentioned began to work on her and she watched him as her pulse rate went up even further. He was incredibly attractive out there under those lights with the slight sheen of perspiration delineating every muscle in the sleeveless shirt he wore. She felt herself almost drowning in his music and his spell as they sang song after song. All she had to do was look at him and she completely lost all sense of time and reality.

They must have been nearing the end of the concert when that sense of reality came back in a hurry. This whole time, she had been entertained and thrilled with watching Jason and the others put on a magnificent show. Suddenly, as the tempo slowed right down to a ballad, Jason began to sing and it looked like he was singing right to one woman near his lower stage left. Kate’s breath caught and her heart did some pathetic off beat thing that hurt.

A moment later, Jason focused on another woman and then Kate felt slightly better. He was just working the crowd. That was all. Still, the magic had dissipated and been replaced with that familiar anxious weight in the pit of her stomach and she almost felt like leaving right now. She glanced around and realized it would be swimming up stream and decided to wait. The show would be ending in just a few minutes anyway.

The ballad ended and Kate took a deep breath. It was silly to get this upset over a stupid song and the way Jason sang it.

A hot guitar lick rang out and her attention was drawn back to the stage where Jason and Cody were standing together with their guitars snarling in their hands. The crowd recognized the song and there was a huge, scream that threatened to shake the very structure of the stadium. Kate felt even more shaken as Jason moved out to the front of the stage and began to dance as he sang to the crowd below him.

He began the same skanky, suggestive moves Kate had been so disturbed by that night at Cody’s party and the anxious feeling in her tummy intensified. Suddenly the air felt close and the crowd felt suffocating. For the first time, she noticed the almost overpowering smell of hundreds of different perfumes and colognes mixed with body odor and she began to feel light headed. She watched Jason for several more minutes as she struggled to take deep breaths and not let what she was watching him do toward tens of thousands of women bother her.

Everyone in the entire stadium was standing and dancing and screaming, but Kate took her seat anyway. The air in here was stifling and she suddenly wished she hadn’t come after all. Deciding to take her chances with being caught in the downstream current, she left her seat and began the long trek through the mass of crowded bodies to the aisle and then up the stairs. It took her most of the next two songs to make her way to a landing at the top of the concourse.

She paused for a breath of the slightly cooler, fresher air and Aerie ended a song and got ready to start another. She stopped as she went to walk out of the curtained door way between two security guards and took one last look down at the guys on the stage. Jason and Cody were laughing together as Jason yelled, “One, two, three, four” and the drummer started in. She sighed, Jason was beautiful, that was all there was to it, and amazingly talented. He truly was a master entertainer, but she wasn’t cut out for this.

She pushed aside the curtain and stepped into the lighted hall that circled the perimeter of the venue. As she started to head for the doors, Jason began to sing her song.

Stepping into the clear air of the outdoors was unbelievably refreshing, even though it was probably still nearly eighty degrees on this balmy, West Texas night. Kate looked around, trying to get her bearings and figure out where she’d parked her car. It was actually on the other side of the building and she stayed close under the lights as she headed all the way around on the walkway.

She didn’t even realize she’d started to cry as she walked until her tears splashed on her hand where she clutched her keys. Some people were coming and she tried to brush away the tears as she had to walk past and then decided it didn’t matter who saw anyway. What did anything matter when you’ve just truly understood you are foundationally at odds with what you want most in life?

Acknowledging she loved Jason was simple. Acknowledging that what they each deemed appropriate behavior for a spouse was not even close to correlating was the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life.

Locating her car, she got in and locked the doors and then gave in to the heartbreak she felt at having finally come to the decision that she couldn’t marry Jason right now, even if he had officially deemed her the best flavor. His behavior toward the women here tonight and the way he had danced were too at odds with her own personal value system to ever make this situation work, even if he had proven his undying love. Even if he was only putting on a show, she couldn’t marry that and have the rest of the world believe her husband was that much of a hustler, but knowing that for sure hurt more than anything she’d ever experienced.

She sat in the car and cried and the tears rolling didn’t feel like they were helping her feel better like they usually did. Tonight, they were simply the result of an incredibly aching heart, and she sobbed until she finally realized the concert must have ended because people were streaming through the parking lot around her. Remembering why she’d come to Lubbock in the first place, she tried to mop up her tears so she wasn’t such a mess when she went to tell Jason they’d conceived a baby together. And then the thought of a baby brought into this situation between unmarried parents made her dissolve into sobbing one more time.

At length she realized she’d forgotten to ask Scotty when she got the hotel information when the band was leaving and she reached for the ignition. She had to get a handle on herself and get this over with, in case Jason was heading to the airport any time soon.

Praying for strength, she resolutely dried her eyes, touched up her make up, combed her hair and drove to the downtown Marriot Hotel. She had to do this. She had to do this right now.

The hotel carpeting was some weird pattern that made her almost a little nauseous as she walked down the hallway to room three forty one and in a disconnected way, she registered that she was hungry again and needed to eat something to settle her stomach.

Her heart was pounding and her hands were moist and she felt lightheaded as she saw the number beside the dark brown wood door. She walked up and knocked, not willing to prolong this any longer. It would be such a relief to get it over with.

As she waited for an answer, she realized she could hear music and laughter on the other side of the door and she hoped she hadn’t gotten mixed up and gone to the wrong place. It finally opened and a man she’d never seen answered it. Just as she was going to apologize for knocking on the wrong hotel room door at after eleven thirty at night, he let out a low whistling cat call and said, “My, my, what do we have here? I end up with the prettiest one of all.” He looked her up and down appreciatively and then went on, “Everyone else here is taken for the night, darlin’, so it looks like it’s you and me. Come on in and I’ll go next door and grab you a brew. How did y’all like the concert?” He advanced into the hall toward her.