Fall (10 page)

Fall took my smokes. Does Noel know Fall. He must. Why don’t I know this guy.

Does he know my dad. My dad’s the guy who says that Canada is weak. That’s how they know him. Funny.

Funny funny funny.

You been to my dad’s place, Noel.

No.

You should try sneaking into it, man. Try it at three in the morning I say.

My dad’s my friend I’m thinking.

I love my dad.

What’s this feeling it’s like guilt and I wanna tell everyone I love them.

It’s hot. I’ve got to sleep.

I need to talk.

Can you keep secrets down there, Noel.

I love Fall so much it makes me ache and want to cry. I feel like I’m gonna cry in front of Wink, come on.

Don’t don’t don’t.

She has eyes that are so sad and smiling. I stand above her and she looks at me and it’s like she’s asking me but she’s my answer.

I want to give her everything, take all of her and pour those eyes, those legs, that Fall all down my dusty throat.

You know Fall I say. Those eyes, right.

Everybody knows Fall. Everybody loves her.

I dream about her eyes I say.

I feel like I can talk to Noel.

These fuckin guys I say. I don’t know. We were at this party and Ant’s hitting on everyone Chuck’s hitting on and Chuck’s always complaining about small spaces and the party seemed like a small space I say.

Only three bedrooms I’m thinking and this was the fuckin mayor’s place.

Maybe it was too crowded.

Why am I angry about a party.

Lots of pretty chicks there I say.

There’s a lot of beauty he says.

Is that what he said. What does that mean. There
is
a lot of beauty.

There’s a lot of beauty I say.

Try saying that at a party.

Why don’t you go to parties, man.

Why’s it so quiet in here.

I don’t like not connecting with people he says.

I could have done more with Fall. I should have.

Who wants to kiss my barfy lips.

I could grow up. I should grow up.

I should stop calling Noel down there Wink.

You’re a smart guy I say.

He is.

I feel weird today, man. Hungover. I love my girlfriend.

Why did I just say that.

I know he says.

How does he know.

Because you’ve seen her eyes I say.

I know he says.

I feel sort of scared I say and I don’t know what I mean or why I said it.

I’m scared of Monday, the world opening its grumpy eyes all wide.

I wish I’d seen Fall before bed. I wish she’d given me one of those hugs and pressed against my heart right here. She could walk into
this room and climb up here, she’d giggle and I’d help her up. Nice warm smile and I kiss her quiet laugh. Long body up here beside me and her hand all sly, and it does what it wants and it wants to tickle touch wander and slide below the magic line. Yes please.

Fuck, I am aching.

I’ll have a quick one.

He’s falling asleep.

I’ll just quickly . . .

Woman in fur. Where’s my woman in fur and the big round tits.

Sometimes people surprise you he says.

Shit, he felt it. These beds. I should have stayed on the bottom bunk, you feel the top move but you don’t feel the bottom, not so much.

We all jack off who cares.

What did he say.

It’s just a lazy eye he says.

What.

I think people think it’s something more serious. It’s just a muscle problem he’s saying. I can’t control the eye.

Ok I say.

And the eye and eyelid go into spasms. I know it makes people uncomfortable he says.

His voice is shaky.

I find it hard he says.

That’s the saddest thing I ever heard I’m thinking.

Why am I still holding my cock.

Why did I call him Wink.

He’s a sad and handsome guy.

I think it’s cool I say. I don’t know what to say. I think you’re a really handsome guy I say, ’cause he is.

He is.

Goodnight he says.

I’ve got to end this day.

Fuckin A it’s Monday and I’ll eat French toast.

I was talking with Sarah last night says Fall. Up late. She was crying.

Why.

She’s looking for love. She’s not in love. She doesn’t want the year to end. She doesn’t want to lose me as a friend. She feels dumb in class.

Is that all I say.

She misses her parents.

Yeah. Everybody needs a holiday I say.

It’s only the second week she says.

A
ND SUCH A
friendship developed. From that Monday onward we were roommates, secret sharers, a united front against the troubles of the world. Something made me get up late with him—I slept in, happily, for the first time ever at that school—and we showered together after everyone else. Julius stood under one shower, facing outward, I stood two showers over, facing the wall. We finished at the same time and he tossed me my towel. He beat me back to the sink to brush his teeth in the room, but I didn’t mind. I dried my hair behind him, both of us looking in the mirror, and that became our routine. Every morning. I stood in such a way that when I looked at us in the mirror my bad eye would be hidden by Julius’s head in front of it. There we were in the reflection: friends.

Nothing much happened that week and I spent the weekend alone.

The contents of Edward’s chest were discovered to be the largest collection of pornographic magazines anyone had ever seen. He had brought them from Amsterdam. They were disseminated.

I thought of filthy Amsterdam.

My summer with Meg taught me how different two countries can be, even those that purport to be so similar as Australia and Canada. I realize now as an adult that the globe’s concept of nationhood is a simple recognition that every person is a country and there are private customs we should all respect. There are certain people who can never be together.

The more friendly Julius and I got in our room, the more I wondered how it would transform our interaction downstairs, during the day, when classes were on and the school was full. We were in Algebra, English, and Philosophy together. It was a small school, so it was hard not to see everyone several times a day. I generally kept my head down when I was walking between classes—not down, exactly: I looked forward to a space beyond the halls. And I have to admit that when I heard many conversations as I passed I felt contempt, no interest in joining. I had trained myself to be oblivious to possible greetings.

Things didn’t really change for a while. Lining up for the dining hall once, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and Julius smiled and walked by.

I spent another weekend alone.

Julius was sometimes unaware of what belonged to him and what belonged to me. He used my comb occasionally, for example.

On the weekends when he was away, I, in the same spirit, wore his clothes. Usually just in the room. When it was quiet on the Flats I would close the door and enjoy having the time to look through his clothes and possessions. His jackets weren’t especially fine or expensive.

I wore the shirts that smelled like Fall. It was somewhat unsettling at first to see myself in the mirror, perhaps the same disappointment one feels when seeing a new actor step into a role that another had long embodied. But I grew used to it. I think that children of diplomats become good mimics, having spent so many days adapting to other cultures.

I could do a good Julius.

I couldn’t sleep so I wandered the halls. Everyone was in his own bed, in his own box, with no idea that I was outside. The
EXIT
signs hummed in the halls. Edward was in his room alone that weekend. I held my hand an inch from his door. I could have done anything. I stared at my arm and realized how much it had grown.

W
HEN
I’
M HAPPY
I
RUN
.

When it’s sunny I run.

When the leaves are on the street I run.

When there’s everything to think about, or nothing and I’m bored, I jack off, or I run.

When it’s five o’clock, one hour and thirty-five minutes before we line up in the hall in front of the Hall for a meal of slop or sometimes good potatoes, I’ll probably go for a run.

When coach says run, I run.

I’m thinking about the dark red belly of the world and how I want to know it. I’m thinking about the future and its mouth and it drives me crazy that there’s nowhere anywhere to settle for a cuddle with Fall.

My room.

Her room.

Dad’s place.

Common rooms.

Her mom’s high place in the High Tech Hills.

I get the car from William and the backseat feels like a place for fast fingers, I love it, but where’s the warmth for a cuddle.

We should rent a hotel some time I say.

Yeah.

With red rooms.

Ok.

Or curtains. Red curtains. I don’t know.

And big white towels she says.

You bet.

You’re on.

I’m serious. We’ll find a red hotel and lie there getting to know each other.

Mmm she says.

I love your mmms.

It’s a serious issue. Parents don’t understand. The school doesn’t understand. A young, attractive couple needs room to lie down. Nothing dirty or filthy, just some space to understand each other.

We need to understand each other. We can’t keep moving or we’ll slip away. If she’s over there and I’m over here, we can love each other but we won’t understand.

How can we be close here.

It’s a pretty serious issue.

You look good I say, hands out at each other because we both want more.

I believe we should skip algebra and smoke some American tobacco I say.

I believe you may be right she says. But I like algebra.

I’m all for algebra I say. But when was the last time we skipped a class together.

Last year.

Too long.

Maybe.

We’re like an old couple. Last year. Who talks about last year. We should have kids.

How would we do that she says.

I’ll show you.

After algebra.

We should talk some time.

I want to talk she says.

I want to get that hotel room.

And talk.

And then some.

Our anniversary’s in December she says. It’s only a couple of months away.

No way I say.

One year she says.

So we’ve gotta get a hotel room.

Let’s go to algebra she says.

K.

She’s wearing her red leather belt.

She looks good in everything except in that sweater with the pom-poms she looks like a poodle.

I have a hard-on.

I love cuddling with you she says.

Me too I say.

I want my cock to go down.

Sort of.

This toolshed is sovereign American property I say.

Yeah she says.

Did you see the marines watching us come in here.

No she says.

They did I say. We can’t stay long.

We’ve gotta be back anyway, J.

Yeah.

Bed she says.

I have such a hard-on.

I will think about complicated things.

I will be smart.

A gentleman.

A human with no cock.

How do you turn a cow into a red leather belt.

What are you thinking about she says.

I don’t know I say. Agriculture.

Are you she says.

She’s looking at me.

We’re sitting in the gardener’s shed I’m thinking. I’m looking at that bag of dirt and I’m thinking about the bag of dirt and she’s looking at me like I’m interesting which is funny.

She’s touching my face.

Agriculture she says.

I don’t know. Vermont I say. It’s funny thinking about home you know. Growing up in Vermont. I had fun there.

Yeah she says.

She knows all my stories.

But it was small I say. Right. I was thinking when dad said he was going to Canada that it would be this big open place. I mean. Dad took me to Montreal when I was ten and all I remember was getting an electric shock, right. On an escalator. I knew Canada wasn’t just a big open place. Right. But I also knew it would be bigger than Vermont. I was pretty excited about coming here.

Look at her.

I am excited about being here I say.

Kiss.

Bang.

On the lips.

But look at where we are I say. Right. I was excited about trying out boarding school even. You know. I thought it would all be this big new world. And it totally is. I mean. I didn’t know you, I didn’t know Canada. But we’re on the floor of the toolshed.

I know she says. It’s weird.

It’s weird I say. It’s this feeling like I came here because I thought it would be cool to see a bigger world and we’re actually in this tiny space, and this space is supposed to be America and Canada’s out there and we can’t go out there together because we actually live in a little school. I can’t get my little head around it. Right.

I know she says. But we’re here she says.

Yeah.

We’re here together she says.

Yeah.

We’re hugging.

My mind’s too fast to think what I’m thinking.

I might put my hand down her pants.

Stay like this for a while she says.

J
ULIUS TOLD ME
that when he and Fall first got together she wouldn’t let him kiss her. They pressed foreheads together and whenever their lips came near she made a quick mhn mhn sound . . . no . . . no . . . and he said it drove him crazy. But they held on to each other, kept their foreheads together and looked in each other’s eyes, so close that Fall’s two eyes looked like one. And Julius said that you’d think it was a tease, you’d think a girl who wouldn’t kiss would take a lifetime to go further once you kissed her. But it wasn’t a tease. Kisses were important to her. He said it never annoyed him. They walked around school grounds and stopped, got close, walked again, and stopped. He said he had never paid much attention to kisses before, just to where they were heading. But when he kissed Fall that night it wasn’t just a signal or a relief, it was a loss of bones and a jump that wouldn’t land.