Fall (13 page)

Ant was soaked and the water made the knot tighter behind his back. He squirmed out of his bunk to chase Julius out of the room. I came up behind him as he ran and soaked him with the bucket I’d left outside his door. He turned on me, shouting, “Untie this fuckin’ sheet,” and I ran around the corner. Julius turned around and ran behind Ant and poured the bucket of Coke over him.

I was gone around the corner and didn’t see what happened next. One of the House Masters had woken up and caught Julius with an empty bucket in his hand next to a sticky brown Ant. They said the first thing he said was, “Are you two not eighteen?”

I had torn a muscle in one of Ant’s shoulders when I tied the sheet and it took weeks to heal.

When love is missing there is no longer blood in thoughts or words, there is nothing that flirts and says come here. There’s a glint in the eye of a world with love, and even if the eye is false, the owner untrue, there’s a necessary charm, an illusion that’s impossible to
bear the absence of. When Fall went missing, love went missing, and life no longer smiled its invitation at any of us.

Julius’s mother had killed herself when he was seven. He said she had been sad since he was born. He didn’t remember much about her except that she cried a lot and that his father loved and cheated on her. Julius said he remembered walking into their big house on a Sunday, and he probably only imagines it was a Sunday, and the house took him in like he was a breath before a sob, he said. And his father taught him to respect it, even after her sadness took her away. He said his dad was funny and full of life but that there was a sadness in the middle of everything and he taught you to know it.

I remember thinking when I was older that the things I’d learned about Julius’s father seemed at odds with his public persona. Apparently his wife’s suicide won him sympathy when he ran for governor of his state. I remember wondering why a man who seemed to embrace sadness and fun would become famous for hard-line policies, for a public obsession with defence. That obsession with unexpected evil, even in the minds of balanced people.

Of course, what I did that year would no doubt have confirmed his belief in self-protection.

Julius said, “Fall has a bit of the sadness.”

I
LIKE APPLES
.

I don’t know what the simplest thing in the world is but I love it and I know I can taste it. The simplest thing in the world is something you can eat or maybe eat while you’re fucking but that’s complicated.

I fuckin love spaghetti with butter and a Coke.

Fall’s hand will pick up the simplest thing in the world, her thumb and perfect pointer, and plop the simplest thing in the world, pip, right in my mouth at the back of my tongue because simple is breathing not eating.

Fall’s mom’s picking us up and she’s late again so Fall’s gonna say She’s late again.

There’s a darker light in Fall when her mom’s around and maybe this whole parking lot’s darker on a dark Fall day. It’s Julius and Fall, October afternoon, I’m saying, and someone’s dimmed the brightness on our TV.

I’m a little high.

She smiles and things brighten up and I kiss her and kiss her again with one of my better kisses.

Our anniversary’s in six weeks or something she says. What are we gonna do.

Lots I say.

Let’s think of something.

Here she comes she says and she pulls away from me like we shouldn’t be close around her mom. I have a hard-on but I’m holding it in my pocket like a roll of quarters but bigger, ho-ho, yes. Thicker.

I hope she makes spaghetti, I’m fuckin starving I say.

You know she won’t she says.

I sit in the front because I’m the male of this car and Fall’s mom gives me the soft, weird, nice, hot, mean and kind of creepy Hi, and it’s the same for Fall but there’s that thing between them I will never understand. I don’t want to figure them out tonight I want to eat a lot and kiss Fall’s neck and fuck her for forty-five seconds while her mom’s out of the room, Hello.

I feel sick when she reverses and now I’m panicking from the weed and I’m wondering if Fall’s panicking too and now we’re moving forward and I’m not panicking.

You both look so nice in your uniforms.

I look down at it and I look back at Fall and I’m FALLING would everyone PLEASE look at that fuckin BEAUTIFUL face.

Face!

I’m not smart, ma’am.

You look smart. When I was on TV I knew nothing about what I was saying, did I Fall, but I looked like I did.

I wasn’t born when you were on TV says Fall.

Mean.

But I saw the tapes and you were beautiful.

She turns the wheel slowly and I like her hands, they’re like Fall’s hands but drier, and Fall’s compliment’s hanging in the air so I breathe in through my nose because the car smells sweet and private.

Thank you darling.

It’s a long highway drive to the High Tech Hills and I’m thinking about beef and soccer.

I hope you brought your appetite, Julius.

I was just thinking about my appetite I say and Fall says That’s all he thinks about.

I laugh because she knows that’s not all I think about and I look at Fall’s mom who’s smiling.

What else do I think about.

When were you on TV I say.

I’m thinking about clothes and whether anyone was truly hot a long time ago.

She’s beautiful.

The highway’s grey.

I used to think everything was predictable she says. When I was on TV. I didn’t know what outfit they would put me in or exactly how makeup would do my hair.

She’s driving really close to that car.

But I knew my blocking, I knew my cues, and I told everyone what was going to happen tomorrow. Such pretty clothes. Always skirts. Right Fall.

I want her to change lanes.

I wasn’t much older than Fall.

You were beautiful says Fall.

And then modelling.

She’s moving her hand.

Love. Daughters. Age. No day is predictable. People are in a house one day and the next they aren’t. You can’t stand still looking pretty and expect nothing to change.

I’m thinking she’ll say more.

She’s looking at me and smiling and I’m thinking she’s flirting and now I’m thinking that’s not a smile I don’t know what that is and she’s gonna hit that fuckin car.

Her palm’s on the back of my hand and it’s weird. And nice.

She slips away and cooks.

Let’s go upstairs says Fall.

I want some ginger ale I say.

Later.

There’s Ronnie lying on my shoes already with his floppy ears and smiling tip of tongue Hey Ronnie.

I’m in a house.

I love the smell of your room I say.

It loves you she says.

When our hips are together I think she’s the same height but she isn’t so why are our hips together.

I’m gonna get out of my uniform she says. Wait outside.

Fuck that.

Ok.

I love you in your uniform.

I love you in your bra.

I love your feet and toes, look at those toes, come here.

Wait.

Come here.

We should go downstairs because if we’re gone long and I’m in different clothes.

Ok.

We’ll just say hi to her ok.

Let’s say more, I like your mom.

Why she says.

Ronnie blows a bored sigh of love out his nose and I say Hey Ronnie.

Fall’s mom’s pouring a ginger ale because she knows I like ginger ale.

Thanks I say.

I love staring out this window, all those trees and everything finished but growing and I don’t know. This is a house I’m thinking.

They’re talking about fennel and lemon and I wish there was a guy around with jokes.

It’s good I say.

Good she says. I’ll get you more she says.

I look at her ass when she’s walking away and I smile at Fall and we’re quiet.

I’m chewing.

She’s walking back and she’s frowning.

I’m looking at cupboards and couches.

Why’s she frowning.

You have a way of not engaging that feels really familiar.

Mom.

It’s the way he moves his eyes around she says.

He’s eating mom leave him alone.

I’m talking, Fall. The three of us are grown-up and I’m making an observation. Julius doesn’t mind.

You’re making him uncomfortable.

There’s a potato in my throat.

You are both at the age when habits start to form. Habits of interaction.

I saw a counsellor once I’m thinking.

I keep thinking that you can both set yourselves perfectly onto the right path she’s saying. Develop ways of behaving with each other that will mean you get the most out of every situation. If you look around, stare at this, stare at that, not engage, you won’t take life in. But maybe I’m wrong.

Her eyes and fingers remind me of a bird or something mean on a diet.

Fall’s father didn’t engage, Julius.

Mom.

Ok I say.

I’m telling Julius because I think he would be interested.

Sure.

He’s not.

He never took me in she says. Right from the beginning. If you don’t engage, you don’t understand, and if you don’t understand, you can never love.

Ok.

You have to take life in to love.

Fall picks up plates and saltshaker and sighs.

Ok I say.

She’s smiling and saying But maybe there’s a time for looking and a time for thinking.

I think that’s right I say. It sounds right to me.

I’m trying to think of a joke.

She gets up and goes to the kitchen and says something to Fall and Fall’s walking away and going upstairs and I’m not enjoying myself.

I’ll take this plate to the kitchen.

She takes the plate and smiles.

Thanks I say.

I’m gonna go upstairs.

I touch the side of Ronnie’s mouth where it looks like meat.

Good boy I say.

Fall shows me pictures.

Fall tells me a story about when she was eleven and I’m not listening.

Fall cries.

She says her mom just told her in the kitchen that we won’t last.

I say that’s a fuckin mean thing to say.

She keeps crying.

She shows me more pictures.

What did she mean we won’t last.

Forget it she says. She turns away.

She cries for a long time.

Where’s the fun in having a girlfriend I’m wondering and wondering and working it out.

It’s ok I say.

She snots a lot when she cries.

Your mom’s a little kooky I say.

She gets up and stands by the window.

I look at the line of her.

I want something.

I want some attention.

I want to go.

I have everything she’s ever written she says.

Your mom.

Yeah.

All her cards and letters.

That’s nice I say.

She sits.

She shows me pictures of her sister in a poncho and sombrero.

I don’t know what to think.

Our legs are touching.

I’m thinking about taking my cock out and maybe she’d do something with it, who knows.

She goes to her closet.

I sigh.

We should go downstairs soon she says.

I say we should go.

I love you she says.

There’s horses in my blood.

I want to be alone with you so bad I say.

She gets a box from her closet and puts it on the bed.

It’s full of cards and paper and envelopes and coins and I’m thinking about paper cuts.

She gave me this letter in a card for my birthday she says. When I was thirteen. She made me think of it at dinner.

She’s reading.

Dear Fall. I watched you dance over the mat today, my darling, and I realized that you are my only friend. I need you more than I needed your father and certainly more than your father needed me. I saw a maturity in you today, darling, and felt it was a grace that can only come from understanding, and that I could rely on your understanding as we both get old together.

She clears her throat.

You were such a beautiful little baby. There have been so many times in your little life when I have not wanted you to grow. Everyone said such fine features. And often when people complimented you they were really complimenting me, and I love the beauty we shared. I wanted to hold you forever on that pillow while I fed you and see that look in your eyes. Your sister grew away from me and I didn’t want that to happen with you. She and your father never understood how hard it was to do on my own. They assumed that a mother’s love should be enough for everything, but a mother needs
to be loved. There were times when I held you in your little bath and was frightened by how easy it could be to let you slip.

She clears her throat.

We have come through so much together and now I can tell you everything. Thirteen years old and such a beautiful woman already. So strong. So graceful. You are my friend, and I wanted to tell you that. To let you know that I need you, and if there is anything you want to tell me I will be here for you. I’m so proud of you for winning your medal. Happy birthday, darling.

Her mouth sounds dry from reading.

I expect her to be crying.

She’s somewhere between me and herself.

I don’t know what to say so I say Fuck.

I think about my mom sometimes I say. Sometimes I talk to her. When I was younger I did that a lot I’m saying.

I’m sorry J. I don’t mean to be complaining about my mom.

I know. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just talking. You know I’m not sad about it.

I know she says.

I tell her jokes. She, you know, appreciates it when I score a goal. I don’t wonder about her anymore. I did that a lot when I was twelve, and mad at her and . . . I don’t know. There’s just a nice lady in my head who doesn’t really look like anything and is probably nothing like my real mom. It’s kind of nice.

You look sad she says.