Fall Apart (35 page)

I’m such a giver... (You can laugh at that.)

I also took out a life insurance policy and put you as the beneficiary. It’s not your dream to run that store for your parents, Damon. You’re a good son, though, and you show up at work and look after things because that’s the kind of guy you are.

I know you want more than that, so maybe you can use the insurance money to do what you really want to do. Go traveling, man. Visit those places you always talk about wanting to see. Go climb mountains that we wanted to climb together. Get a dog and buy it expensive dog food—I don’t care! Just use the money for you. Go out and DO something.

You once told me about starting a climbing school. Maybe that’s what you want?

I left all my assets to you with the exception of a few things that specifically go to Franco or Luke.

You should be crying right now because that means you’re getting an awesome new car and no matter what I’m driving when I die, it’s bound to be better than the piece of shit truck you have in your driveway.

Brace yourself, brother, it’s about to get emotional.

I love you.

There. I said it.

I know you always had Luke, but you never left me out of your friendship. You’re my best friend and whatever took me out of this world had to be serious for me to leave behind the courage and hope you gave me.

I’m lucky to know you, man.

That’s it, I guess. I don’t have something profound to add. Except that I want you to be happy, Damon. For once, I want you to have your way. Fall in love with some hot dude and have sex on Sunday afternoons.

Maybe you’re reading this when you’re eighty and I lived a long life. Maybe you’re a lot younger than that (depressing thought), I’m dead, and you’re sad and not sure what to do.

Get on with your life with my stamp of approval.

Use the money, drive my (now your) car, and be damn jolly about it—but for the love of God, please—get rid of the porn on my closet shelf.

Love you, dude.

Toddy

With wet eyes and an aching heart, Damon set the letter aside and found the life insurance policy information. Five hundred grand.

Damn. That generous son of a bitch.

He didn’t care about the money or the assets; he cared about Todd’s words. He read the letter through a second time and actually cried harder. Taking his keys off the hook in his kitchen, he took it slow on the way to his truck.

The streets were mostly empty because everybody was celebrating with family, so it didn’t take long to get to Todd’s. He knew that Luke and Franco had been by, but that was only to do a quick sweep before Todd’s parents came to town for the funeral.

Damon let himself inside with his key and tried not to look around or stay in one place too long. He was afraid of crying any more than he already had. Tears had to stop some time.

He took the hallway to Todd’s room and flipped on the light switch for the closet. A shoebox was on the shelf and the baseball mitt was next to it. Damon took both of them down and found a very old note inside the glove. On it, Todd had written in black marker,
“Luke says, ‘Blow Me.’”

The laughter was unexpected and even though it still caused twinges of pain in his ribs, he was happy that a different emotion was causing the ache for once.

“What am I gonna do without you, man?” Damon asked the empty room. Almost immediately, Todd’s words came back to him:

Go out and DO something.

“I know,” he said with a sad smile. “Get rid of the porn first.”

“This is ridiculous,” Max said, pointing at the screen with his glass of wine. “Who does that?”

“It’s a musical,” Alarik answered. “There’s bound to be some dancing.”

“He’s prancing.”

“He’s declaring his love.”

“He’s arrogant.”

“So are you,” Alarik fired back and Max’s head came up in surprise. “What? You don’t agree with me?”

“I’m not arrogant! I’m
shy
.”

Alarik snorted and turned his attention back to the television where Liesl and Friedrich were singing and flirting. Max was right; there was some prancing.

“I really am shy,” Max spoke up again. “I don’t think I’m arrogant at all.”

“I
know
you’re shy, but I also think you’re aware of your impact and you use it. You’re intense.”

Max made a funny face and not for the first time, Alarik noticed how much the wine had loosened up his friend. “If I’m intense, then you’re too…
perfect
. No one knows how to talk to you.”

“People talk to me all the time. I’m very friendly!”

Max said something in Japanese, but the only word Alarik understood was “no,” which Max said a couple times in a row. Alarik held up a hand to stop him. “It’s unfair to speak in Japanese right now.”

Setting his nearly empty glass of wine on the coffee table, he glanced at Alarik with soft eyes. “It’s harder to speak other languages when I’ve had this much wine.”

“Finnish?” Alarik asked.

“Forget it. That’s too much for me right now.”

They settled into another silence, but instead of watching the young romance unfold on screen in front of them, they were watching each other: Max with his chin cupped in one hand, his hair falling down over his right eye, and Alarik with his head back against the cushions, his gaze appraising.

“What are you thinking about over there?” Alarik finally asked.

Max took a lazy, slow breath and closed his eyes. “I’m thinking, I wish you would confess to me.”

“Confess what?”

“I want to know your feelings. I want your confession, but I don’t think it’s coming.”

Ohhhh.
That
sort of confession.

“You know I care for you, Max. I was falling for you very quickly when we first met, but…you know what happened. Then, I met Damon.”

Max’s eyes were still closed, but his shoulders stiffened. “He’s released you. You haven’t even known him as long as you’ve known me. What’s so special? Why hang on so tight when he doesn’t act like he wants you?”

Every single word stung and each statement was something Alarik had already said to himself. What sucked worse was that he didn’t have a great answer for why he was tormenting himself.

“Damon is too real to me,” Alarik admitted. “He’s not egotistical like so many of the people I’ve been with in the past. I understand his need for space right now. Losing Todd was like losing part of himself. It’s impossible to let go of my feelings for him and I’m not ready to let him disappear from my life. I’m in love with him, Max, even though he’s hurting me.”

Max’s eyes had re-opened at some point during Alarik’s musings, and they were flinty. “How long do you wait for him, Alarik? Hmm? You once said you were falling for me, but we know how long you stuck around.”

Alarik’s temper flared again and he got up from the couch to put some space between them. “You forget that until the accident with Todd, Damon actually gave me a
clue
that he was interested in me. You teased me with attraction and left me nothing to go on. You didn’t even touch me intimately until the night at Zane’s. I was
starving
for your affection.”

Max latched onto Alarik’s wrist as he passed and tugged him to a stop. Swinging up from the couch, he moved in until their chests touched and forced Alarik’s chin up with a finger. Yet, still, he said nothing. His head lowered a fraction, his eyes dropping to Alarik’s lips and that was all it took for Alarik to know the thoughts he’d had about something happening between them couldn’t become a reality. He was too wound up in the way Damon had made him feel; the way that Damon had told him he cared. He couldn’t throw it away until he was absolutely sure it was over between them. As of now, Alarik believed Damon was simply lost, but he would come back. Alarik had to believe it.

Gently, he pulled Max’s hand from his chin. He kissed it and with an apologetic smile, he removed himself from the embrace.

“With things as they are now, Max, I can’t let anything happen. I won’t. I love Damon and doing anything with you isn’t fair.”

“You’re so loyal to a man who does nothing but inflict pain.”

“He needs time,” Alarik defended Damon. “When he comes back, I don’t want a dark cloud of guilt hanging over my head because I wasn’t patient enough, or because I got lonely. I don’t want to hurt you, either.”

“And what if he never contacts you again? What if that decision to send you away is as permanent as it seemed?”

“I’m not ready to give up.”

“Even if
I
confessed to you? If I told you everything?”

“Do you really want to do that, knowing my resolve to be with another man?”

Max swiped his hair out of his eyes and turned his back on Alarik. “I think you’re making the wrong decision. I think you’re making a decision out of fear.”

Isn’t that a bit of the pot calling the kettle black.

“Max, if I start something with you, are you ready to be out? You still talk around the truth. You’ve never told me who you are; you only hint at it. Hints aren’t enough. Veiled words aren’t enough. I don’t want my life and love locked behind closed doors. If we were together, I’d want it one hundred percent in the open.”

“I’m a private man, Alarik.”

“I know that. I’m telling you it’s not fair to ask me to be a part of your secret, but not-so-secret life.”

“I’d give you everything I could!” Max’s voice raised, his accent stronger.

“I don’t need your
things
, Max. If you can’t tell the truth about yourself to
me,
the man you say you’d give everything to, where would our relationship go? Where’s the honesty?”

Max’s stare was broken as he looked back at Alarik. Fräulein Maria was singing again in the background and it was the most awkward soundtrack for serious discussion ever. “There are certain things that are very difficult for me to say. Things I’ve been told my whole life a man shouldn’t say to another man.”

“You need to figure out if that’s truly what
you
believe and if you’re going to live your life by it,” Alarik returned. “As for me, I don’t think that’s right. I’m gay. I want to share my life with a man. I want his passion, his love, his touch, and his companionship. I want to have sex, too, of course. Honestly, I don’t think I could abide even an inkling of suspicion that my partner was ashamed of providing for me in those ways and receiving love from me in return. You have so many decisions you still need to make.”

Max was red in the face, his tension visible from his jaw down to his feet. His body was braced as though he were about to be shoved across the room. “I don’t think you understand the expectations my family has of me. I don’t think you appreciate the weight of my circumstances.”

“Max,
darling
, I do. I know you’re under more pressure than the world can see, but you have to think about what you need for your life. I’m not telling you to forsake everything for selfish ends; I’m telling you to be realistic about your future. You don’t deserve a life of misery and lies, trying to make other people happy.”

Max walked a few steps closer to him, his hands open in front of him. “Don’t you see? This is why I need you. I need your words. Your understanding.”

Alarik reached for Max’s hands and looked into his beautiful golden brown eyes. “You’d also need my silence. My discretion. You’d need me to deny who I am.”

Max was staring at their hands, shaking his head. His voice wobbled as he spoke. “Maybe with you, I could be different. I could…say what I feel.”

Alarik sighed and drew Max into his arms. “I think a few months ago, I would’ve been glad to accept that as enough, but…” He paused, searching for words to say to this lost man. “I think the fact that you’re not really ready, even when you think of me, speaks volumes.”

Max turned his face toward Alarik’s neck, breathing in deeply and Alarik would’ve been lying if he said it didn’t make his body respond. Still, the thought of Damon deadened all of that. He was lonely for his man; he was aching for him. Not for Max.

“Don’t you think this
feels
right?” Max murmured against his skin.

Sighing, Alarik tightened his hold for a moment before once again releasing the other man. “It has to go deeper than that for me, I’m afraid,” he whispered.

With a desolate nod, Max rubbed his hands over his face and sank ungracefully back to the couch. “I don’t think I like the Thanksgiving holiday very much,” he said a few minutes later.

“We could make s’mores?” Alarik offered, not really feeling it.

“Might as well…”

“You know I care about you.”

Max chuckled coldly. “Yes, Alarik, I know. And, it’s
still
killing me.”

***

The music on the sound speakers at the store was muted and fuzzy and Damon was in the back room looking for the speaker wire that was smashed or disconnected. Listening to music over crappy speakers was like working beneath a light that constantly buzzed and flickered, and this sound system always sounded the worst at the best parts of songs.

He was working himself into a mood because everything he had to do required the use of two arms if he wanted to finish in less than three days time. As it was, Damon had already bumped the pins in his wrist
twice
and nearly passed out. The pain had sweat beading on his brow and his stomach heaving.

He’d taken Jess’s shift and was beginning to regret the decision. She was doing an amazing job managing the store and Damon knew that the whole family felt bad for being surprised. After thinking about it, he decided it made sense for her to channel her energy and stress into taking care of the place. The responsibility was giving her focus and removing the helpless
I-can-do-nothing-without-my-dick ex-husband
look that she’d been wearing for far too long. Even Davey seemed to be happier, in spite of the fact that when he wasn’t in his pre-school class, he was playing with action figures and trucks behind the counter, or climbing on boxes in the back room.

Leo and Molly wouldn’t say how much Todd had left them in the life insurance policy, but the relief in his parents’ faces told him it was significant. They were handing the store over to Jessica for an indefinite period of time and she was in charge of hiring part-time help as she saw fit. There were a couple of high school guys who worked on the weekend and Damon had a sneaking suspicion that his sister liked the “MILF” title they’d bestowed on her. Her walk had a new swagger.