Fall Apart (38 page)

I love him. I need him in my life.

The words repeated in his head and he gave a whispered plea as the door opened and light flooded the porch.

***

“Sorry that took so long,” Damon said fumbling with his wallet and the doorknob, his cast making his fingers hang like ornaments For Display Only. “Couldn’t find my wallet.”

The remaining oxygen in his lungs evaporated as his eyes met not those of the pizza delivery guy, but the man he’d never expected to see again—not after being such an asshole to him. The part of him mourning Alarik, angry at the senseless way he’d let him go, woke up with a savage roar and the internal fallout was massive. Joy and pain slammed into one another and combusted, leaving him reeling.

“Alarik,” he breathed, shocked. “What are you—”

Soft gray eyes nailed him to the spot and the air shifted as Alarik stepped past him, bringing with him a lush masculine scent with an undertone of baked goods. Damon turned, following Alarik’s every move with his eyes as he unceremoniously dropped a box on the hall table.

“Cookies from Mandy,” Alarik said, his British accent more crisp than usual.

“Thanks…” Damon swallowed, mystified and distantly aware that he had to pee, possibly quite badly. Nervous bladder. Crap.

“I got your
email
.” Alarik walked farther into the house, leaving disdain in his wake, and stopped in front of the Christmas tree, looking it up and down. “I have a response, but I felt it best delivered in person.”

Damon followed hesitantly, stopping blankly when the back of the couch smacked into his thighs. “What is it?” The question was a rasp. There was not a spare drop of moisture to be had in his mouth.

“You and I are at an impasse here, Damon.” Alarik met his eyes again and he couldn’t look away. “You very eloquently released me, believing that the man you are is not the man I would want. You decided for me, you determined feelings on my behalf, and at the same time, you allowed me not a single opportunity to tell you what I
actually
feel. Until you let me speak for myself, it’s a stalemate, I’m afraid.”

“An impasse? A stalemate?” Damon sounded like a parrot.

Alarik faced him, his hands deep in his jacket pockets, probably balled into fists. When he let out a chuckle, it was so cold that Damon flinched. “I knew I was angry, but I didn’t realize how angry until now,” he said, seeming surprised at himself. “But I am. I’m furious!” The smile he wore held no warmth whatsoever.

“I-I know. I’m sorry about—”

“Stop,” Alarik’s voice snapped into the air. “I won’t have another apology, especially when it’s likely to be for the
wrong
thing.”

With the polish that Damon had missed so much, Alarik rounded the couch until he was at Damon’s side. He was so close that Damon’s eyes flickered shut for a moment as the urge to reach for him nearly overwhelmed him. Alarik’s eyes were on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn his head. He was scared to death of doing the wrong thing, so he did nothing.

“From the day we met, I’ve pursued you, Mr. Wright. I’ve left no room for doubt about my feelings. I followed you to Ventura. I shifted focus in my career in order to be near you. I wrote you, hopeless of hearing another word from you, and when I did, it was another goodbye forced upon me.”

Alarik’s words twisted the emotional knife in Damon’s side and he knew he deserved every bit of the stinging regret he felt.

“Look at me.”

The order was impossible to deny and Damon’s head turned of its own volition. Alarik’s gaze was beautiful and hard, burnished pewter against fair skin. The regret was transforming into the worst kind of ache—a sensual, heartbreaking thing that Damon wished would stop. His lips parted and Alarik’s eyes fell to them and darted back up.

“If ever you felt something for me that’s greater than your fear, I’m telling you to think of it now. It’s your turn to pursue
me
. I’m going to walk from this house and leave you to decide whether you’d really like to let the love I have for you end this way. If you want me in your life, then you’ll find me, you’ll tell me, you’ll make this truly right.” Alarik was at the door before Damon had fully registered his words.

“However, if nursing the horrible loss you’ve experienced on your own is more important than a future together, then by all means, Mr. Wright, stay where you are. Perhaps love awaits us elsewhere.” Then, with a whispered goodnight, Alarik was gone.

What could Damon do? Or say? Should he even attempt to fix this or was letting Alarik go the best thing for them both?

He felt unequal to the task of making this work, but seeing Alarik—having him so close—made his body and mind cry out for resolution.

Damon still hadn’t moved when the pizza delivery guy showed up five minutes later.

“He’s not going to follow. He won’t budge on this; I know it,” Alarik moaned into the throw pillow that Luke had thrown at him a minute ago.

“You don’t know that for certain!” Mandy made another attempt at encouragement, but Alarik knew what she wasn’t saying, which was how Damon was unpredictable of late. No one knew what to expect anymore, though Alarik had seen longing in his eyes for a moment there… He wasn’t alone in his need.

“He loves you. He won’t give you up,” Luke chimed in. “Even with everything that’s happened. He’s worried he’ll hurt both of you more. You just gotta be patient a little bit longer.”

“Bah!” Alarik barked. “I had rather hoped he wouldn’t let me make it as far as the front porch before he declared his fucking endless love, but here I am,
alone
. I took a shower for him. I shaved. I turned down a good man because all I can think about is Damon, for God’s sake!”

Mandy leaned forward and slid his wine glass out of reach. “I’m just going to cut you off right there. You can’t give up on him. It’s like any positive emotions that Damon has nowadays are on a time delay. When he feels good about anything, he has to stop and question himself. He’ll come around.”

“You are, both of you, liars.”

Luke and Mandy stared at him sympathetically until he wanted to stomp away petulantly and hide until he forgot how to feel.

“You’re tired and you need a good night’s sleep. Nothing seems salvageable when you’re tired,” Mandy soothed.

Alarik glanced up from his pillow and noticed the sweet look that the couple exchanged as they sat across from him. “You’ll be a good mum and dad, you two, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t find you a bit much right now.”

Luke and Mandy smiled kindly in return and he stood, giving up the fight. “That does it. Don’t look at me like that.”

“Last minute Christmas shopping tomorrow!” Mandy called as he headed out of the room. He heard and waved in resignation.

“Shopping,” he said to himself as he climbed into bed. “I’m not here to shop. I shouldn’t even be in this bed tonight.”

He stared at the neighbor’s Christmas lights through the window for a long time, wishing, even pleading, with whomever might hear his prayer.

“What’ll it be, Damon? I’m frightened what you have to say will crush me.”

***

Close to midnight, Damon knocked on his parent’s front door and let himself in with the key. He had barely made it past the coat rack when the lights flicked on and he saw his mom and dad squinting at him from the hallway.

“We heard you pull up,” his dad explained.

“What’s wrong?” his mom asked at the same time.

Damon realized that a visit from him, albeit a late one, now sent his parents into instant worry mode. His mom didn’t bound out of bed unless she was freaked out. Judging by the state of her hair, she’d done some bounding. Damon walked to her, pulling her into a one-armed hug. She made a noise of surprise, but wrapped her arms around him tightly, hugging him like she had when he was little. His dad was looking at him like he’d grown another head.

“Can I stay here tonight?” he murmured.

“Of course, Day,” Molly answered. “What’s going on?”

Damon stayed silent for a long time, simply soaking in the sensation of his parents so close. Alive and well.

“I need your advice,” he finally answered. “Alarik’s here.”

Leo straightened, automatically looking over Damon’s shoulder as though Alarik’s blond head would appear in the doorway. The image was so vivid to Damon that his shoulders stooped at the ache it caused.

“I don't know what to do,” he murmured.

Leo pushed him toward the couch and sat beside him, adjusting his LVAD so it wouldn’t bother him. “You told us about Todd. You shared all of that. Now, it’s time to explain about Alarik and why you’ve been pushing him away so hard.”

“We’ll help you, Day,” Molly added, running a hand over his hair. “What else are we here for?”

Todd’s words from the letter came back to Damon and he sucked in a sad breath.
For once I want you to have your way. Fall in love with some hot dude and have sex on Sunday afternoons.

The story came out to his folks and Damon understood that simply speaking his heart aloud was providing much-needed clarity.

He could not let Alarik go.

***

Mark grinned as he stepped out of the plane Zane had chartered for the family and made quick work of the steps to the tarmac. Sean and his girlfriend were waiting nervously next to an SUV, and as soon as Mark’s feet hit the ground, his brother jogged to him and hugged him hello.

“I’ll never be able to top this trip,” Sean said, glancing at Kendra before waving her over. “Look at her, she’s totally wide-eyed.”

Mark laughed, familiar with the feeling. “I still get that way. I always forget Zane can afford stuff like this.”

It was Mark’s first time meeting Kendra and he thought Sean had outdone himself. She was very pretty, with wavy brown hair and a smile that was just slightly crooked, giving her a sweet, girl-next-door appeal. She was nervous and too polite, so he hugged her until she gave a relieved laugh. “Nice to meet you, Kendra. I’ve heard a lot of great things about you.”

There was a commotion behind them in the door of the aircraft and Reid appeared, apparently having tripped on his way out. “Sorry, dad” he called out over his shoulder, and then raced down the steps into Sean who caught him and staggered backwards.

“Reid. You idiot!”

Reid gave him a kiss on the cheek and immediately pushed him away to introduce himself to Kendra.

“Hey,” he said smoothly, and Sean, who was straightening his coat, sighed. “I’m Reid.”

Kendra held out her hand. “You can call me Tallulah,” she arched an eyebrow, but there was a smile on her lips. “I’ve heard all about you.”

Reid shot a quick look at Sean. “You told her?”

“Everything.” Sean nodded pleasantly. “She knows how you come on strong and stay too long.”

Reid gave Kendra an assessing look. “Well, then. Do you know that you’ve gotta be careful around Zane and Mark? They’ve been handling nuts.”

Kendra’s mouth popped open as her eyes shot to Mark. He flicked his brother on the shoulder.

“Real cute—why don’t you let go of her hand?” Mark pointed at Sean. “I think he’s had enough.”

Kendra cracked Reid up by whacking him on the shoulder when he tried to kiss her on the cheek.

“Welcome to the family, Tallulah.”

Patty, Brad and Gin, Zane’s mom, were next out of the plane and Mark smothered a laugh when Brad pulled Sean aside to marvel about the plane, only to have his attention directed to the helicopter across the tarmac that had delivered Sean and Kendra from San Francisco.

“Helicopter?” Brad hissed in awe. “Hot damn! What in the hell are we supposed to get Zane for Christmas? I mean, your mother tried to make him a sweater.”

“How’d that work out?” Sean asked.

“Don’t repeat this, but there seemed to be a little too much neck.”

“Is the neck made of golden thread? ‘Cause I don’t think that’s going to cover all of this.”

Max and Zane were the last out of the plane, still caught up in conversation about the movie and a couple of unexpected issues with other players in the cast. To her credit, Kendra greeted both famous men like they were simply two more members of Sean’s family. Mark liked her more every second.

Zane spoke up over everyone’s conversations and pointed at the waiting SUV. “This is one of our rides to the place Reid hooked up. And, if I’m right, that car coming this way is the second. The last person we’re expecting should be in it.”

Mark felt bad about the hopeful expression on Max’s face, even though he was sure he’d heard the other man on the phone with Alarik that morning, asking him to reconsider.

The second SUV pulled to a stop, and Zane jumped to open the back door. A very nice pair of legs in black tights and boots appeared, and Sophia Kirkland stepped from the back seat in all her glory. Everyone but Max turned to stare at Reid in what probably looked to him like a choreographed move. Reid stared back, but only at Mark. His eyes narrowed to slits and he shook his head like he’d been brutally betrayed.

I’m going to kill you, he mouthed.

“Merry Christmas,” Mark sing-songed in a whisper.

“Hey, everybody,” Zane announced. “This is Sophia. Sophia…this is everybody.”

The actress gave a smile worthy of the red carpet, but when her eyes met Reid’s, her cheeks flushed. She nearly stumbled stepping forward to shake hands with Patty. Mark couldn’t believe it; she actually liked—possibly even wanted to
be with
—his idiot brother. Reid never would divulge the true circumstances of his one date with her, so Mark had assumed something very dark indeed. Looking back and forth between them now, he wondered if things had possibly gone very well for
one
of them. And she was darting glances at Reid on a schedule. He was probably going to screw it all up in typical Newland family style.

A pleasant, tingley sensation flowed through Mark’s chest. Sweet retribution. Finally, he could bust his brother’s balls about a woman!

“Christmas with friends and family! Isn’t this great?” he sang out, taking a deep breath of the crisp mountain air. Reid answered by slugging him in the arm.