Falling for Autumn (23 page)

“What’s up, bitches? Let’s toast to our sophomore year!” Casey held up her beer bottle and swayed from side to side and I waited for a face-plant to ensue.

Lexi
mock whispered to me, “Are you sure rooming with her was a good idea?”

Casey shot her a deadly glare. “Sorry I know how to have a good time. And to think I was going to let you and Finn borrow my single room when you needed a quickie.”

Lexi made a disgusted face. “Gross, I have no idea what you do in that bed. We’re not going to share it with you.”

I laughed and watched fondly as my two best friends bickered. We had secured a suite in the Collins dorm on campus. The suite connected two double rooms with a shared bathroom. Casey’s friend Am
y was supposed to room with her but had dropped out at the last minute before the semester started. Casey had a single until the college assigned her another roommate.

We moved in that morning and spent the entire day catching up. The three of us h
ad talked a lot over the summer but only met up once when they’d come to the shore house for a few days. My mom had been great, but I was ready to get back to college. I missed my friends and to be honest I missed taking classes. I had never gotten much out of school as a teen, but I was finding college courses stimulating in unexpected ways. I would still be taking many of my general education requirements, but I was going to start working in a few courses related to social work.

Volunteering at the woman’s shelter would be something I’d continue doing for a long time. It woke me up and kept me from feeling sorry for myself. The women I met at the shelter taught me about true survival and made me grateful for the people I had in my life. I found myself able to open up about my assault without feeling ashamed. I had kept a side of myself hidden because I felt
that being a victim was something I should’ve been embarrassed about. I unknowingly subscribed to the notion I had asked for it and deserved what had happened. I met other victims of sexual violence and realized how I wasn’t alone in my feelings. There was a stigma surrounding rape victims and it was the reason a lot of cases went unreported. It was scary to think about, but I realized women might be scared to report a rape because of my experience. They may have seen how I became a victim of bullying and thought they should let it go. By going into social work, my hope was to support women as they went through the process of reporting abuse.

I was discovering so much about myself every day and it felt amazing. I felt strong and confident and it was the reason I decided it was time to see Blake. I was sure the moment I saw him I’d be gutted, but I knew it wouldn’t break me. I wanted to turn the tables and investigate him and decide what kind of person he truly was. Because when it came down to it, he hadn’t been honest, but it was one lie with infinite repercussions. It rested on my shoulders to decide if a single lie was reason enough to never see him again.

“How about we toast to new beginnings?” I grabbed my beer and lifted it in the air in front of me.

“I’ll second that.”
Lexi smiled and held out her wine glass. We clinked our drinks and I took a long pull of the beer.

“Speaking of new beginnings, Autumn has decided to attend her first ever Cook football game on Saturday,”
Lexi addressed Casey while winking in my direction. “And we are in charge of finding her something gorgeous to wear.”

“You mean I’m in charge since you would put her in a sweater set and a pair of Mary
Janes,” Casey said. Casey turned her attention back to me and said, “Are you sure? Because I’m all for school spirit, but if my ex-boyfriend was playing I’d go to a game but only to put Icy Hot in his jockstrap and laugh at him from the sidelines.”

“No, I’m ready to see him,” I said and tilted my chin. “But I would like it if you two came in case I need moral support.”

They both nodded. Casey rested the mouth of her beer against her lower lip as she considered me. “Have you talked to Blake?”

“I thought about calling him, but I’d like to see him face to face. I have doubts about his honesty and I have this crazy idea that if he lies to me again I’ll be able to read it in his expression.”

“I don’t think that’s crazy,” Lexi said. “Finn’s tell when he lies is he’ll stare at my forehead instead of looking me in the eye.”

“Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to forget about him.” If only amnesia was a possibility. Because the fact was I couldn’t stop thinking about him and not only about the ways he annihilated my heart. Too often, the sweet moments I had with him forced their way to the forefront of my brain. “I’m not sure what I’ll even say when I see him. Do I ask him if he wants to try again? It’s been months sinc
e we spoke. He could have a serious girlfriend for all I know.”

Lexi
and Casey exchanged a knowing look. I put down my beer bottle on my desk and squinted at them. “Does Blake have a girlfriend? Do you know something you haven’t told me?”

Lexi
stared down at her lap. “Blake called me a couple of times over the summer. He was trying to keep his distance, but he wanted to make sure you were okay. I told him he shouldn’t call you and if you wanted to talk to him, you’d be in touch.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were trying to heal and I thought it would be a setback hearing he was asking about you. You were in the middle of therapy, trying to work things out, and if Blake wasn’t going to be part of your future, I didn’t want to even bring up his name.” Lexi looked over my head and her eyes rested on the wall behind me. “He sounded like shit and kept trying to tell me how sorry he was. He seemed sincere, but if he’s untrustworthy…” Lexi trailed off.

Blake’s deception was a complicated thing. Because like
Lexi with Finn, I thought I found Blake’s tell. I remembered seeing the overly bright eyes and the look of morbid curiosity as he tried to find out more about me. In hindsight, it was his determination to wade through the rumors and accusations to discover who I really was. After the night playing video games at his apartment, his eyes softened and his expression was filled with warring emotions: want and need. He wanted me, but his conscience told him he needed to keep his distance.

“When was the last time he called?”

“A couple of weeks ago. He seemed as nervous as you were about how things would be once school started up again. By the way he was talking, you were the only one on his mind, so it seems doubtful he’s dating,” Lexi said.

I asked Casey, “What do you think?”

“Will goes to all the football practices and is friends with a lot of the players. He hasn’t heard any rumors about Blake dating anyone else,” Casey said. “But if you’d rather have us do some Blake bashing, I hear he’s been sucking so far. Maybe the situation with you messed with his head enough he’ll ruin his football career.”

Blake had told me of his mixed feelings about football and knowing Mr. Bridges had been his mentor helped me understand his conflict better. I hoped he was able to find joy in the game again and if he wanted to play professionally that it would happen.

“I feel like I’m at the point where I can trust my instincts. And my gut is telling me Blake may have some flaws, but deep down, he’s a good guy. I worked over every angle and I’ve come to the conclusion he made a mistake. When he saw me at the party, he should’ve turned around and never said a word to me. But in a way, how can I hate him for that? Because if I never got to know him, I may have stayed closed off forever.”

“Well, whatever you decide to do or not do with Blake Preston, you’re still going to blow him away when he sees you at the game,” Casey said, defiantly lifting her chin. “Because let me tell you nothing is worse than seeing an ex for the first time without wearing a push-up bra and your
Spanx.”

Lexi
rolled her eyes as I giggled at Casey’s brashness. It was going to be an interesting dynamic as we roomed together for the year. I had two days of classes before the football game on Saturday. Two days to either chicken out about going and two days to possibly run into Blake around campus. We had been dating when our fall classes were selected so I knew we weren’t in any courses together. But the campus wasn’t huge and there was a chance I could see him at the dining halls or in the student center. I wondered if it was better to see him before the game. But going to the game was the grand gesture I had come up with—a way to show him I didn’t feel he was like every other jock who mistreated me.

I had said some things to hurt him when I found out the truth. It had taken me awhile to see Blake and his sister were additional casualties of his stepfather’s actions. He had loved his stepfather since he was a young child and it was another father ripped away from him prematurely. Blake was forced into the role as the provider for his broken family, a huge responsibili
ty he never asked for. Although his mother didn’t deserve his loyalty, he had given it anyway and done everything he could to take care of her and his younger sister when they were left without his stepfather’s income.

Honestly, I had never thought about Thomas Bridges’ children. They were faceless and nameless and I only concentrated on my pain and how I was going to survive. But my mother had made me think about how it must’ve felt for Blake. How terrible it must have felt to say the words
Thomas Bridges is my father
. I thought my pain was mine alone, but I wasn’t the only person who had been suffering ever since that night.

***

My backside felt awkward against the cold steel of the bleachers. I tried to relax, but my spine stayed erect as I scooted over to make room for Casey and Lexi. It was nerve-wracking to be back inside the stadium. The last time I had been here was months ago during my impromptu training session with Blake.

My first concern was how it would feel to be at a football game once again. Would it bring back memories of Thomas Bridges running along the sidelines and coaching the players? My eyes darted over to the cheerleaders and I waited for the pang I used to feel when I realized I’d never be part of that world again.

It was progress when I discovered I was letting go of the past. I was so far removed from high school, I no longer experienced wistfulness over my losses. I wasn’t sure if it was therapy or time providing me with perspective, but I was done looking behind me. The only thing causing my heart to pound furiously was the idea I’d be seeing Blake in less than ten minutes.

The players ran out of the brick athletic building and stormed onto the field in a massive line of bodies. I couldn’t make out one man from the other and scanned the numbers on their blue and gold uniforms. I felt a jolt when I finally found number seventeen and saw him run into the huddle with his teammates. My eyes were glued to him and I liked the idea of being able to watch him undetected for as long as I desired.

“Sweet baby Jesus, I’m going to start fanning my vagina in a hot minute. Do you think if you make up with Blake, he can sneak us into the locker room after the game?” Casey mock whispered while she leaned over Lexi.

Lexi
elbowed her in the ribs and she moved back to her seat. I didn’t have an exact plan in mind on how to approach Blake. Lexi suggested we go to the party at the Football House following the game. Will had been invited and he in turn invited the three of us. I wanted to work things out with Blake face to face, but I was thinking it would be better to call him and arrange to talk somewhere in private.

I ran my hands over my black Capri pants, trying to get rid of the dampness gathering on my palms. Casey had suggested a short skirt paired with kitten heels, but I doubt
ed it would be attractive if I broke my neck from a fall when climbing the bleachers. The Capri pants were tailored nicely and comfortable enough for the hours of sitting in the stands watching the game. My shoulders and mid-back were exposed by the black tunic I selected. Casey had an amazing jewelry collection and loaned me some fun chunky bracelets and a dangling gold necklace. She complained about my fondness for black clothing and although she said I looked good, the jewelry would stop people from thinking I was on my way to a funeral.

The game started and I leaned forward in anticipation. We were playing Rutgers University and the rumor was they were a tough team this year. Rutgers took possession first, giving me more time to watch Blake stand on the sidelines. He was turned toward the field with his back facing the stands reserved for Cook’s fans. I wondered if it would be better to sneak over to the opposing team’s side to get a good look at the face I missed all summer long.

And I was at the point where I felt okay about missing him. When I’d been alone in bed all summer long and longed to have him next to me, my desire would be quickly squelched by the guilt. I had never given myself permission to miss Blake because it felt like I was betraying my seventeen-year-old self. But I wasn’t the same Autumn and I didn’t believe he was the same Blake I met in January.

Our defense had kept Rutgers from scoring and it was time for Cook’s offensive line to get on the field. My gut twisted up in knots as Blake shoved on his helmet and jogged onto the field. I was nervous for him and hated the idea he had a rough start to the season. I understood he had mixed feelings about football, but I thought if the pressure from his mother went away, he’d find the passion for the game again. Cassie wanted Blake to be her Win for Life lottery ticket and it wasn’t fair to him.