Falling for Autumn (24 page)

Blake played okay during the first half, but I could see his head wasn’t in it. When I watched videos of his games from the year before, his plays were full of poise and skill. He made a few decent catches and gained yards for the team, but his performance lacked heart. I wasn’t going to assume the way he played had anything to do with me, but it made me curious over what his life was like since we last spoke. I wondered how complicated things were for him after his mom and sister found out about us. Thomas was out of prison and I assumed he was welcomed back into the family. Did Blake decide that since we were over he’d try to rebuild a relationship with him?

The thought left me cold. My eyes darted around the crowded stadium and paranoia set in. I’d been overly focused on seeing Blake, not considering the complications that came with coming to his game. Cassie and Delia were probably in the crowd somewhere. Worse yet, Thomas was a free man and could be at the game. He could be watching me at that very moment and I’d have no idea.

Unwanted flashes flickered in my mind and I recalled the hunger in his eyes as he pinned me down. Did he hate I’d gotten away? What if he saw me and a renewed determination took hold to finish what he started?

I jumped up from my seat and almost knocked over my soda set at my feet. I turned to
Lexi and Casey. “I can’t be here. This was a terrible idea. I’m going to head back to the dorms.” I grabbed my purse and gave them both an apologetic look. “I’m sorry and I’ll explain later.”

Lexi
nodded and began to gather her belongings. I put my hand on her shoulder. “You guys should stay. I’ll be fine.”

“Do you still want to go to the party?” Casey asked.

It was late afternoon, the party hours away. It would give me time to think it over. Maybe I’d text Blake and see if he wanted to get together to talk. As much as I wanted to stay and watch Blake play, it wasn’t safe to be at the stadium. Thanks to my therapist, I now knew the difference between running away as a coping mechanism and running away because it was the smart thing to do.

“I’ll call you to let you know.”

“Autumn, we can leave too…” Lexi started.

I grimaced. “I’m sorry for taking off like this, but tell me how the rest of the game goes. I just need some time to think.”

Lexi and Casey shot each other concerned looks, but each gave me reluctant nods. I tried to smile reassuringly, but I was sure I looked unstable. My only thought was I needed to go and
I had to go now
. I pushed through the crowds as everyone began to descend on the concession stands during halftime.

I had a strong sense of self-preservation, and being anywhere Thomas could be was foolish. I had been naïve at one time to think he was harmless and I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. If Thomas were back in Blake’s life, it would be a sign we were truly not meant to be. I wanted Blake, but I was also a realist. There was no chance for us if Blake needed to have both of us in his life. 

The throng of people brought upon the old panicky feelings I had. But I breathed through it and used the calming techniques my therapist recommended. My heart slowed down and I was able to break free of the swarm of people without losing it. Circling the field, I headed toward the side exit. The college students who walked to the game from the dorms mostly used that entrance and exit. The main gate was next to the parking lot and used primarily by visitors to the campus.

A thundering sound exploded in front of me and I stilled, wondering if Pennsylvania ever had earthquakes. My grip on my purse and keys tightened as I looked up from the path and saw the football team heading in my direction. I jumped back several feet as the first of the players flew past me. Swinging my head back and forth, I realized the players were descending upon the locker room for halftime.

I moved farther back and positioned my body against the brick wall of the athletic department’s two-story building. My gaze was fixed straight ahead—a challenge when all I wanted to do was check if number seventeen would notice me. If he did see me, he could decide to keep running, maybe deciding we were better off apart. Besides, he was in the middle of his opening game; it was far from the ideal time to hash out our problems.

I told myself I would try to be aloof if I saw him, but that all crumbled as soon as I heard his voice. “Autumn?”

I was glad the wall was there to hold me up because otherwise I would have collapsed to the ground. I had such a visceral reaction to hearing his voice again. It reminded me of how hard I had fallen for him and how much I missed him
every single day
. When I actually turned and saw him standing less than three feet away from me, I knew how being struck by lightning must feel.

I stared at his feet until my eyes made their way up the length of his body. He looked incredible in his uniform and I could see the outline of his powerful legs through his pants. His arms were larger and more muscular since I’d last seen him and I could make out the definition because of the pronounced tension in his body. Finally, my gaze rested on his face and so many buried emotions rushed to the surface. There was a trickle of perspiration dripping down the side of his face and his light brown hair was matted across his forehead. His green eyes were wide as he stared back at
me, his surprise further cemented by the way his mouth hung open.

A minute, or maybe ten minutes, passed as I lost track of time. I cleared my throat. “Hi.”

His laughter sounded strangled and he dropped his helmet onto the ground next to him. “Hi.”

“I want us to talk, but it’s probably not a good time.” I tilted my head in the direction of the double doors where the rest of his team had disappeared. “You probably have to get back with your team.”

He ignored my suggestion and took a deep breath. “How are you?”

It was a loaded question and my answer could last for hours. I contemplated blurting out every feeling he evoked—the good and the bad. Most of all, I wanted the courage to say I missed him desperately. “I’m fine. I had a nice summer with my mom at the beach.”

He nodded and I could see him filing away the information. He gazed meaningfully at the keys in my hand. “Are you leaving the game?”

“Yes. I wanted to come, but it got to be a little overwhelming when I thought your parents might be here too.”

He recoiled, the words a reminder of what had broken us apart. But I wouldn’t shy away from the truth and I expected the same from him. “They’re not here. Thomas will never be part of my life again.”

The steely resolve in his voice renewed my faith in the possibility of
an us. I wouldn’t demand he say goodbye to the only father he knew, but Blake’s choice would determine if I could be with him.

“Things are still not the best between my mom and me. It’s complicated and I have a lot to tell you, but I don’t want to talk about them right now. Especially since it’s been four months since I last talked to you.”

“Okay.”

“So why did you come today?” There was a hopeful edge to his voice and it gave me the impression none of his feelings had faded over the summer.

“I came to see you,” I admitted. “I thought after the game we could talk.”

“I wish we could talk now.”

“Me too,” I sighed. “We can talk after the game. You better go. Don’t you have to go over plays or something in the locker room?”

He shrugged. “Do you think I’ll be able to concentrate on the game after knowing you want to talk to me?” He edged closer and my pulse quickened. “I wanted to call you, but I understood how badly I fucked up. I lied and got close to you without ever telling you the truth. I loved you, but I always knew what we had would be temporary. The truth would be out there and I’d lose the only girl I ever loved.”

“Loved?” I heard the catch in my tone and guessed he had as well. Tears were building behind my eyes and I blinked hard to hold them back.

He leaned in until we were only a breath away and whispered, “Love. Of course I still love you.”

I put my palm against his chest and my skin tingled over how good it felt to be touching him again. “Do you know what a trust fall is?”

His eyebrows lifted and I could tell my question took him off guard. “I think so,” he said uncertainly.

“It’s when you allow yourself to purposely fall and have to rely completely on another person to catch you.” I reached over and clasped his hand in mine. His warm skin was rough from his calluses. I liked the way my hand felt small and delicate lost inside of his grip. “I want to try that with you. I want us to do a trust fall together.”

Blake’s grin transformed his face into a mask of sheer bliss. I found myself grinning back and for once I no longer had any nagging doubts. There was a litany of reasons Blake and I shouldn’t be together, but I wanted a chance to see if the universe was wrong. Maybe every barrier could be broken down because we loved each other. And although I thought I never knew the real Blake Preston—that wasn’t true. The real Blake Preston was the one who held me when I cried and tried to fix things he never broke in the first place. The real Blake told bad jokes and sang cheesy songs at the top of his lungs. He had favorite math rules and a little sister he protected and loved. The real Blake loved me wholly despite being told I was his worst enemy.

I lifted onto my toes and grazed my lips against his. It was a taste, a tease leaving me wanting more, but there would be time for that later. “Well, since you probably missed the coach’s pep talk, I’ll improvise. Go out there, get your head out of your ass, and score our team some points.”

With a laugh, he wrapped his hands around my waist. His expression turned serious and I melted under the heat of his stare. His hold was desperate and it appeared as though he was terrified I’d bolt any second and disappear again. “You’re giving me a second chance and it was something I never thought would happen. I won’t disappoint you and I’ll never lie to you again. My promises may not mean anything to you yet, but I’m going to change that. I’ll do whatever it takes to earn back your trust.”

I didn’t argue with him because starting again would be a trial. But I had needed the time and distance. Because amazingly enough during our separation I was able to discover forgiveness.

“If you were inside my head, you would see how it felt to be apart and how much I hated myself for hurting you. I love you, Autumn, and I promise to do everything I can to make you as happy as you make me.” Blake’s chest rose and fell as he spoke and it was more physical proof he felt the same longing I had since we broke up.

“I love you, too.” It was the first time I told him I loved him out loud and as I traced a line over his jaw with my finger I silently marveled over how such a beautiful love could rise out of such a dark past. But when his eager lips found mine, there was no denying what we had couldn’t be easily forgotten or replicated. My heart would always belong to him and even if it took a lifetime, I would prove to him he deserved to have my love. 

Two months later…

“
So I put my hands up, they’re playing my song, the butterflies fly away. I’m nodding my head like yeah. Moving my hips like yeah.
”

I walked over to Blake’s iPod dock and turned off the music while he shot me a look of disbelief. With shock coloring his tone, he asked, “Did you just stop me from singing? I thought you loved the incredible awesomeness of my voice.”

“It scares me how well you know the lyrics to campy pop songs,” I teased and sat next to him on his bed.

“I’m actually more of a classic rock fan, but I keep up with pop music to impress the ladies,” he said and pulled me onto his lap. “Is it working?”

“Maybe a little.” His mouth silenced my laugh as he started to kiss me. The kiss was long and slow and I liked the way his lips lingered against mine. “You’re crazy,” I said when I moved away.

“Crazy hot you mean.”

I shook my head. “And so modest as well.” I rested my head against his chest and listened to the sound of his racing heart. “Your heart is beating so fast.”

“I have a gorgeous girl in my lap. I think something would have to be wrong with me if my heart wasn’t beating fast.”

His arms came around my waist and we lay in the same position for a long time. It was a Sunday afternoon and we had settled into a routine of being lazy for most of the day. Blake usually had a game on Friday or Saturday and with our class schedule the rest of the week, it was the only day we had nothing pressing to do. Blake needed the recovery day too and it was the reason I never planned anything too taxing. Although he downplayed it, I was certain he was sore from all the hits he took on the field.

Two months had passed since the Rutgers game and it felt like we’d never been away from each other. We had taken things slow, but what I felt for him wasn’t going to change with time. I loved him and I believed in us. Blake kept his pledge and had earned my trust. The secrets were what had kept me from giving myself fully to him and with them out in the open nothing was holding us back.

Not to say it had been smooth sailing. There were some problems that would likely never go away. I might as well have been a Capulet and he a Montague with the chilly reception we received from our families. My mom was understanding about how I felt and I think a lot of it had to do with how much time we talked things out at the beach. My dad wanted me to stay away from Blake, but once I made it clear how important it was to give Blake another chance, he told me to be careful and warned Blake he would need a new set of balls if he hurt me again.

Blake’s family was even more complicated. Thomas had moved back with Cassie and Delia in May, but
he had moved out by mid-summer. Things had fallen apart quickly when Cassie realized how dependent Thomas would be on her. Thomas was unemployable and Blake wouldn’t come home as long as she lived with his stepfather. The choice had been easy and she had gone to an attorney about filing for divorce. The irony hadn’t been lost on me that she hadn’t left him because of his purported dalliance with a student, but had looked into divorce once it became clear that he had zero financial prospects. Blake held onto the resentment toward his mother, but it was hard to break his need to be a fixer. I thought one day he’d have a relationship with her again, but he insisted it would be on his terms and only if she’d come to understand my place in his life. 

The situation with Delia was much more delicate. Blake loved Delia and his sister loved him back just as fiercely. I wouldn’t and I didn’t want to come between them, but it seemed unavoidable. According to Blake, she had been molded to hate me, but her brother’s love made her curious too. She had been open to the idea of having a dinner where the three of us could spend time together. She made no promises, but if I were willing to give her a shot, she would offer the same courtesy.

I swerved my head until my chin was resting against Blake’s chest. Blake had a faraway look on his face and I tried to remain motionless so I could watch him longer. I was fascinated by the small mannerisms I learned since we met. The space between his eyebrows crinkled and he grazed his teeth gradually over his lower lip. I could tell he was trying to work something out in his head before he voiced it aloud.

“Playing football has always been about the rush for me. There would be such a spike in my adrenaline after scoring or winning a game.” His chin tilted and he faced me. “I never felt that intensity when dating. I’d hang out with a girl and usually sex would happen quickly.”

I swallowed hard at his admission. Blake was open with me and although his status as the campus womanizer had been exaggerated, he had slept with his fair share of women. The number had been intimidating when he told me, but nowhere near the amount I had come up with.

He pushed my hair away from my face in a soothing gesture. “I love you and what we have is stronger than anything I felt before. We have something real and I never want to let you go. I see you smile at me when you wake up in my arms and I want that every day for the rest of our lives. I want to be the kind of man that gives someone as incredible as you a reason to smile.”

I was paralyzed by his words. He had given me so much of himself and I hoped he knew he had mended every fracture inside of my damaged heart. “I’m happy because I wake up knowing I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”  

Gathering me up in his arms, he gently settled me on the bed as he hovered above. His mouth started at the curve of my neck before moving to my shoulder blade. He slid my shirt off of my shoulder and my nerve endings danced as his tongue tasted my bare skin. “You taste so good,” he growled. “Before you come over, you must take a bath in chocolate and honey.”

I moaned and pushed him away. I wiggled out of my shirt and he returned to his position over me. Blake was an untamed animal on the field, but handled me like a china doll. He took his time kissing and touching and each time was an erotic experience that left me aching for more.

He leaned in and my breath hitched as he continued his assault on my skin. He licked and kissed every square inch of my body and the leisurely way he went about it made me squirm beneath him. His fingers reached behind me and he unhooked my bra. My back arched and I could see by the look in his eyes he was pleased by the way I responded to him.

Blake removed his shirt and I could finally feel his bare skin against my own. My eyes and hands explored his toned body and there was enough heat between us I wasn’t sure how we could survive it. He fondled my breasts while his mouth crushed down to kiss me passionately. Suddenly, the slow pace fell to the wayside and our kisses and caresses become frantic. Our jeans came off and I began to tug at the top of his boxers. Blake pulled back and the only sound for a long minute was our labored breathing.

“Blake, please don’t stop. I want this…I want you,” I amended.

“And I want you—but only if you’re ready. I need you to be sure first,” he said. Blake knew what to give me. He always understood I had to be the one to decide the course of our relationship. If he pushed, I may have run and we would’ve both lost out.

“Yes, I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”

I pushed his head down and we returned to kissing. I breathed him in and his masculine smell caused a stirring deep in his belly. His head moved lower and I watched as his fingers looped on the outside of my panties and pulled them down. “Gorgeous,” he mumbled before kissing the skin below my belly button.

His fingers were running up and down my inner thigh and I felt like I could die from the anticipation. Each succession, his fingers seemed to move closer and closer and my body ached for the release I knew I would find once they were inside of me. I tried to kiss him back, but my body wasn’t cooperating as I moaned and writhed against him. When he slipped one finger and then another inside of me, I cried out.

His fingers gently probed as I rocked against his hand. “So beautiful and so wet for me,” he said, which of course had the effect of making me even wetter.

His hips went lower and as they rocked against my own, I gathered up the sheets in my hands and tossed my head back. My legs spread wider, opening up for him, accepting what he was offering. He was relentless—moving his fingers inside of me while using his thumb to stimulate me from the outside. Small quivers rushed through my body as pleasure took hold. I curled my toes and yelled out his name as I finished.

Although my first thought was I could lie here content for the rest of the night, I moved up onto my elbows and tugged at his boxers. He removed them and I then felt him settle between my legs. He was hard and I could feel him ready to enter me. His lashes lowered while his eyes clouded over with desire. I had finished minutes ago, but my body experienced another surge of lust.

“I want you inside of me,” I said in a hushed voice. At my declaration, I heard him suck air through his clenched teeth.

“I have to feel you.” His voice was gruff and I then felt him push against my entrance. He hesitated and leaned over to kiss me. He had a concerned look on his face and I melted over how loved by him I felt. “It’s going to hurt at first, but I promise it won’t last.”

He waited for my nod
before going to the nightstand to retrieve a condom. Once sheathed, he filled me up slowly and carefully. His eyes never left mine and I could tell he was holding back. He pulsed inside of me and after I urged him forward by lifting my hips, he rocked back and forth.

I wasn’t prepared for how the pain seared my body. I was relieved Blake had taken care of my needs first because I hoped it took an edge off the discomfort. My body seized up and I tried to relax, but Blake’s face faded from view and I could only concentrate on how badly it hurt. Blake dropped his head down and his mouth covered my breast. His warm tongue flicked over my nipple and I shuddered against him. He suckled my breast and took my nipple between his teeth ever so gently. I was shocked not only by how good he was making me feel, but that I hadn’t noticed his hips rocking against me.

I become hyperaware of the feel of him thrusting inside of me. The pain started to subside and I began to enjoy the sensation. The way he bit down on his lip told me his level of self-control. I rocked my hips and I heard him groan. “Autumn…”

He continued to claim my body and when my hips lifted, he started to move faster and deeper. My hands moved to his back and I dragged my fingernails down the length of him. His expression was completely open and I could see how much pleasure he was experiencing with our bodies finally joined.

It was a soul-shattering experience to be with him in such an intimate way. He was my first love, my first lover, and my first everything. He had healed me and made me see I’d never been completely shattered in the first place. My feelings were powerful and being with him amplified every sensation.

Watching Blake as his body shuddered and his orgasm overtook him was incredibly sexy. I heard his groan before he burrowed his face in my neck with one final cry. I liked how he didn’t rush to end our first time and he stayed buried inside of me for a long minute. His kisses were feather-light and tender and he rained them down on my cheeks, forehead, and nose. I felt worshipped.

The ache was still there, but it had become almost pleasurable as he finished. When he pulled out, my sex was swollen and moist and I was shocked at how something that had started out so painful ended feeling so incredible.

Blake stared at me and his eyes were sweet and earnest. I kissed him hard while still shivering from my arousal. “My body will always belong to you, Blake.”

“I’ve wanted you for so long and there are no words for what that was like for me.”

“Mind-blowing?”

Blake laughed and he drew my languid body to his side. “That’s a perfect word for it.”

Getting comfortable in the crook of his arm, I felt completely at ease. “I love you.” I loved the way he always gave me a surprised smile at those three words—as if he couldn’t quite believe he was lucky enough to have my love.

“I love you, my beautiful girl.” He shot me a mischievous grin. “And give me another ten minutes and I’ll show you again just how much.”

I gave him a seductive smile to tell him how appealing the idea sounded. Not only did my body belong to him, but my entire being. There was something powerful between us and it was unbreakable. I never thought it was possible to love a man as much as I loved Blake Preston. Life was unpredictable and I would’ve never anticipated finding love where I had. But I had no control over my emotions. I could deny how I felt and try to live without him, but where did it leave me? I didn’t want to live without the one person I connected with on every single level.

I planned to spend my forever with him. I wanted to hold onto him, loving him for as long as he would let me. Falling for Blake had forced me to take a leap into the unknown—and I was still soaring.

THE END