Falling Together (All That Remains #2) (18 page)

“Sweetheart…I
am…”

“Just
fucking stop! Save your bullshit! I heard you. You both planned it together. He
dumped me on you like a problem child.” He winces as I whirl to face him.
“Someone has to take care of poor ugly Abby, right?” Pain spreads through my
chest and settles in my stomach. My voice drops to a near whisper as shame
rolls through me. “I’m not your responsibility anymore. I’m sorry Airen put you
in this position. I’m sorry I needed you, and I hope it wasn’t
too…unpleasant…and you can forgive me.”

Ears
and cheeks glowing a bright crimson, he snatches my arm as I turn to run again.
“Goddamn it Abby! Will you quit running and listen to me?” The indignation in
his voice makes me pause, but I’m desperate to escape words I know will tear me
apart.

“No!
I don’t want to hear it. It hurts too much. I’ve heard it all before. I know
you tried to love me. I can’t hear it from you, too, Joseph. I’ve already lost
Airen…please let me go…don’t say it…I can’t…”

He
jerks me forward into his arms, holding me tight as I sink to my knees, taking
him with me. “You’re shredding me to pieces, baby. Please stop. Just stop.” His
arms are strong when they pick me up to cradle me against his chest, and I need
his strength now that I have nothing left to give. All of the fight has left
me, and I cling to him as he moves to sit on a pile of hay near the heater,
holding me on his lap.

“How
could you think for one second I don’t love you?” he asks, dismay soaking every
syllable he utters. “I’ve tried so hard to show you, to be here for you.”

My
flat voice is barely recognizable when I answer him. “I appreciate what you
were willing to do for me, and everything you’ve done, but it was all for
Airen. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is? You slept with me out of a
sense of responsibility. It’s a damn good thing he came back or you would’ve
been burdened with me for life, and I’d never have known. I would’ve been
clueless, blind and desperate enough to believe I struck gold twice.”

“Abby,
look at me.” I don’t want to look at him while he explains why he lied, but
he’s not going to give up until I do. Steeling myself for the inevitable, I sit
back and drag my eyes up to meet his in what feels like a herculean effort.
“You recognized my love for Airen right away, you saw right through me, so why
can’t you see how hard I’ve fallen for you? Fuck, Abby…Airen told me you have
some serious self esteem issues, but I didn’t think…” He sighs, choosing his
next words carefully. When I open my mouth to speak, he shakes his head, hard.

“No.
You had your say, and now you’re going to listen to me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell
you Airen gave me his permission to be with you if something ever happened to
him. But that was all it was, Abigail. His blessing. A way to let me know he’d
understand. He did it because no matter how well I tried to hide it, he knew I
was in love with you.”

His
eyes well up as he cups my face in his hands. “I love you, and it fucking kills
me I can’t be with you this way anymore.” My lips are caught between his on a
soft kiss, and my hand moves of its own accord to thread through his curls.
Both reluctant to end what we know will be our last kiss, we linger, exploring
and marking the other’s taste in our memories.

“Joseph.”
I choke up.

“I
know. I don’t know how I’m going to see you every day without kissing you or
touching you or making love to you, but you aren’t mine,” he continues, his
hoarse voice breaking my heart one word at a time. His left hand runs
soothingly up and down my spine while his right tilts my chin until we’re eye
to eye again. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, but I do love you, baby, and I sure as
hell didn’t have to try. You’re very easy to love, even if you’re damn
difficult to understand.”

“I
don’t know what to do,” I whisper.

Tenderly,
he brushes my hair from my tear streaked face. “Right now, you go wash your
face and take Airen some breakfast. He’s waiting for you.” I feel like I’ve
aged a week in the past hour and my day has barely begun. I still have to face
Airen, and admit I cheated.

“Okay.”
We get to our feet and Joseph embraces me.

“Everything
will be okay, Abby, you’ll see. A few months from now things will be back to
normal, but no matter what happens, please, never doubt I love you. Whether you
believe it or not, you’re beautiful to me, and I’ll always be here when you
need me.”

Airen

I
wake up alone. Joseph must have left as soon as the sun showed its face. Abby
appears with a tray laden with food. She’s determined to fatten me up.

“Good
morning, darlin’.”

“Good
morning.” She kisses my cheek. “You look better. How do you feel?”

“I
feel good. Starving,” I exclaim, digging in to the mile high stack of pancakes.
“These are fantastic, thank you.”

“You’re
welcome. I like to see you eat.” She flashes a smile that doesn’t reach her
eyes, and I pause to study her for a moment. She looks exhausted and far too
thin. Dark circles ring her eyes, and her cheeks are unnaturally pale. I
realize she’s stressed from everything that’s taken place, but it’s more than
that. She looks so lost and sad.

“Sweetheart,
what is it?” I catch her small hand in mine. She shakes her head, and turns her
back to fiddle with something on the table. “Something is bothering you. Talk
to me.”

“Please
don’t, Airen. I know Joseph told you that we…what we did while you were gone.
You don’t have to pretend,” she replies, her eyes downcast.

“Pretend
what?” I ask softly.

“That
everything is okay. That you aren’t angry and disappointed.” Her lower lip
trembles and she swallows. “That you don’t hate me. Please, just let me take
care of you until you’re well again. You don’t have to be so…kind, when you
should be screaming at me. I betrayed you. I cheated on you and destroyed our
marriage.”

“Abigail,
no.” She’s so hurt, so immersed in her guilt. “Please, come here.” Placing my
tray on the bedside table, I pat the bed beside me. She shakes her head, and
walks hurriedly for the door. “Abigail Holder, don’t force me to chase you around
this house, and we both know I will,” I threaten, my voice stern. Freezing at
my words, she stands motionless in the doorway, her shoulders slumped, torn
between running and facing me. After a long minute, she takes a deep breath as
if steeling herself for the worst, and acquiesces, joining me on the bed.

Her
face is impassive. Hard as stone. I’m familiar with this reaction. It’s the
expression she wears when she’s striving to maintain control. When she’s trying
to hide. My stubborn, stubborn girl.

“Sweetheart,
I could never hate you. I love you with all my heart and nothing could ever
change that. You didn’t cheat on me. You thought I was dead, and so did Joseph.
Besides, there’s more to it than you realize. There’s something I need to tell
you.” I scrub my face with both hands. How do I explain what I’ve done? My
worst fear is that she’ll feel like I gave her away, as if she means nothing to
me. I’ve dreaded this moment and I pause, attempting to get the words right. I
needn’t have worried.

“I
know you told Joseph to do it,” she says, her eyes darkening. “I overheard you.
You asked him to take your place, but that doesn’t excuse what I did. Your
suspicions about me were correct. You sent him to me and I went willingly.” Her
eyes brim with tears and she looks down, so ashamed. “Truthfully, I coerced
him
when he hesitated. After all you’ve done for me, I cheated. I threw it all away
for a man who never wanted me, who was burdened with caring for me to honor the
man he loves,” she says, her body shaking with silent sobs she’s fighting to
suppress.

Witnessing
her heartbreak wounds me far deeper than any physical pain I’ve ever endured.
Hearing her insecurity, the disgust and contempt she feels for herself, pour
out of her like poison, tears me apart. She’ll never understand how wrong she
is. How
loved
she is. I embrace her as tight as I can while she cries
with her face buried in my chest. When she calms down, she’s too ashamed to
look at me. Lightly gripping her chin, I tilt her head until her soft brown
eyes meet mine.

“Abigail,
sweetheart…you’re so wrong it hurts.” Skepticism floods her face and her guard
slams down, hardening her features. My girl, stubborn to her core. “No, listen
to me,” I demand. “I know how you feel about Joseph. I’m aware that you love
him. Now, answer me honestly. Does your love for him in any way affect your
love for me?”

“No,”
she replies desperately, a pleading expression on her face. “Airen, I love you
so much I could die of it. There could never be anyone above you. It will
always be you. Whether you intended for it to happen or not, what I did was
wrong. There aren’t enough apologies in the world, and I’ll spend the rest of
my life trying to earn back your trust and forgiveness.”

“Abby.”
I shake my head, swallowing the lump in my throat, and taking her shaking hands
in mine. “I wish you could love yourself as ferociously as you do others. You
don’t need my forgiveness, my sweet girl, and you always have my trust.”

“You
love us both, darlin’, and Joseph feels the same about you and me. Yes, I asked
him to be with you if the time came when I couldn’t be, but it wasn’t
necessary. With the love the two of you share, it was inevitable. I only wanted
him to know that it was okay, to assure you that you shouldn’t feel guilty for
loving him. I want you to be happy and loved no matter what happens. Joseph
wasn’t with you as some favor to me, Abby. He loves you.”

Tears
streak her cheeks and drip from her chin as my words sink in.

“I
realize I’ve kept things from you, and I’m sorry, but have I ever lied to you,
Abigail?”

“No,”
she whispers.

“Then
please, trust me.”

There’s
a light knock before Joseph peeks his head around the door. “Sorry, I can come
back later,” he offers, gazing uncertainly at Abby’s red eyes and puffy cheeks.

“No,
come in. I want to talk to both of you,” I insist. “We need to clear the air.”

Joseph
nods and sits quietly beside Abby. I can tell he has something else on his
mind, but I have to get this straightened out first.

“My…disappearance
has made a mess of things between the three of us, and I’m so sorry. Although I’ve
said this to each of you, I want you both to hear it again. I’m not upset that
you slept together. You needed one another, and I understand. Abby, you did not
cheat on me, and I don’t want to hear that again. Joseph, you loved and cared
for my wife in my absence and I’ll never forget it. As far as either of you
knew, I was dead.” My gaze alternates between them. “Please, let go of the
guilt.”

Abby
throws her arms around me and squeezes me tight, enveloping me in all the love
and affection she’s held back out of her fear and guilt. “I missed you so much,”
she sobs. I slide my hands under the back of her shirt to caress her smooth hot
skin.

“I
know, darlin’. Every day was like a year without you.” My voice cracks and I
have to wipe my eyes. Once she gains her composure, she faces us with a
determined look.

“While
we’re getting things out in the open, I need to say something.” She gazes long
at Joseph before shifting her regard to me. “I saw you kiss Joseph.”

“Abby…”
Joseph moans, preparing to apologize.

“No,”
she interjects. “It was beautiful and loving and I wouldn’t begrudge either of
you a second of it.” Her hand grips mine as she turns to me. “Joseph loves you,
and it’s time for you to admit that you feel the same about him. Maybe you
think it doesn’t show, but it’s written in flashing lights across your
forehead. There’s always been something special between you, and I can’t stand
in the way of it any longer. You love each other and you should have a chance
to be together.”

Before
I can respond, Joseph pulls her into a fierce embrace. “You’re the sweetest,
loveliest, most selfless woman,” he murmurs. He grasps her hand and stares into
her eyes. “I can’t deny that I love him. I confessed that to you long ago, but
I’d never…I
will
never get between you and Airen. I couldn’t hurt you
like that or cause the break up of your family.”

“You’re
our family, too.” She sniffs. “You deserve so much more than you’ve been
getting.”

It’s
time to announce my thoughts on the situation. I’ve thought long and hard about
this. I knew when I was absent for so long that if I made it back home things
would be complicated. I also had a lot of time to think about my true feelings
for Joseph. I’ve tried to deny my attraction to him for so long, struggling
even to admit it to myself, so afraid that it’s only because of my past that I feel
this way for him. That the shit from my childhood is still influencing my life,
dictating my desires. Maybe it is, but it doesn’t change how I feel.

There’s
nothing like a near death experience to make you realize how trivial all that
self examination can be. All the questioning and self doubt. None of it matters
anymore. My head is ready to accept and embrace what my heart has known for two
years; I love him.