False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (24 page)

“Take
it easy, baby girl. He is at a good trauma center. Just relax and let them care
for him.” I sobbed into my father’s chest. He walked me into a waiting room and
sat me in a chair. He flashed his badge to the triage nurse as he spoke to her.
When he returned, he ushered me into a small private room with glass in the
door, leaving me alone with my fear as my insides coiled into twisted knots. I
was hugging myself and rocking back and forth like a deranged person. A nurse
appeared and wrapped me in a blanket. The heat did little to stop my shivering.
I wasn’t cold; I was terrified.

My
father came in a few minutes later to interrogate me again. “I need answers,
Ellia. Start from the beginning. Tell me how you know this boy. If you want me
to catch whoever did this to him, you have to explain everything. The nurse is
aware we are waiting for information, so as soon as they have anything, they
will come to us. In the meantime, I need more details.”

I
didn’t want to talk, but he wouldn’t relent until I did. It was his job, and
better him than a random cop.  I relayed all the details of my relationship
with Cade as if performing a monotonic soliloquy, including how we’d met. I
laid out Cade’s entire back story for his review.

“He
has overcome so much, and he is the best person I have ever known,” the sobbing
picked up again, and my father put his arm around me.

 “I
wish I had learned about this sooner.”

My
father left me alone again, and hours seemed to pass with no word on his
condition. I was approaching a near catatonic state when a nurse returned with
a wash cloth and a hot coffee. She tried to clean the blood off of me and get
me to drink something warm to help the shivering, but I pushed her away from me.
I didn’t want any comfort until I knew Cade was out of danger.  He should’ve
been out of surgery by then, and I was tired of waiting alone in the small room.
I went to the surgical lobby where I saw a policeman and two men in suits
standing in the hallway, having a heated, yet hushed, discussion. A rough
looking long-haired man in a leather coat joined them as I approached.

 My
father held up a finger to the men when he saw me walking towards them. He met
me half way down the corridor and touched my shoulder to steer me back to the
private room. “I know nothing, Ellia, but I have police business to attend to
right now. As soon as I hear anything, I will come to you. Your mom will be
here soon, so please stay put until she gets here.” He left me in the little
room again, this time with a uniformed officer outside the door. My dad was
holding me prisoner, and I did not understand why.

Two
more hours passed before anyone came in again. I badgered the deputy for news,
but no would tell me nothing.  I was nearing a mental breakdown when my mother
and Sam walked in the tiny room. “Ellia,” she said, closing the space between
us. Her voice was thick from crying. “Is there any news, yet?” I shook my head and
broke down into racking sobs.

“Mom,
I’m so glad you are here,” I choked out through the tears that mingled with
Cade’s blood and stained my mother’s shoulder.

“Oh
honey, I am so sorry. I got here as soon as I could.”

“They
won’t tell me anything. I don’t know if he is dead or alive. Why won’t they tell
me something?” I was still shaking despite the blanket that wrapped my small
frame.

“I
will see what I can do. Sam, stay with your sister,” ordered my mother. Sam led
me to a chair and guided me down into it. He sat in the one opposite, not
saying a single word.

A
short time later, both of my parents appeared, and I could see by her mother’s agonized
face, the news was not good. “Mom? Tell me he’s okay. Oh God, please tell me
he’s okay!” Her expression said it all before her words could.

My
mother shook her head, the tears falling from her bloodshot eyes. “I’m so sorry,
baby. They did everything they could, but …” 

“No,
no no!” I screamed. “It’s a mistake. It has to be a big mistake. I want to see
him! Let me see him!” I tried to push past my parents, but my father blocked
me. I struggled to free myself.

“Stop
it!” he ordered as I continued to struggle. “Ellia, I said stop! I don’t want
to hurt you.”

“Then
let me fucking go--let me go!” I screamed, clawing at his face.

“You
can’t see him. He’s gone, and there is no reason for you to have to remember
him that way.” He spun me around, keeping a hold on my waist, and pulled my arm
up behind me as if I was resisting arrest.  I wanted to kill him as the pain
shot through my shoulder.

The
truth overwhelmed me, and the anger fell away as my body turned to jelly. I
collapsed. My father scooped me up in his arms “Where’s your car?” I heard him
ask my mother. He carried me out and deposited me in the back seat. “Take her
to my house and get her cleaned up, Beth. I will be there shortly. Give her
this.” He handed my mom a bottle of pills, and she didn’t argue. Sam got in
next to me, I imagined to hold me down if I tried to jump out of the car.

I
was in shock and barely conscious when we arrived, so Sam carried me inside to
the spare bedroom where Cade and I had made love for the first time. Wailing
sobs escaped me. My mother came in and tried to comfort me while trying to
clean me, but I slapped at her, not wanting anyone to touch me.

“You
are going to get through this, baby,” she said through her own tears. “We will
all get through this. Take this, honey.” She held a pill to my lips. At that
point, I didn’t care what they gave me. I would swallow the whole bottle if I
could. I would do anything to stop the searing pain in my heart. “Rest baby,
just rest,” my mother soothed.

The
medicine quickly took effect, and I fell into a dark slumber for many hours.
When I woke the next day, it was late in the afternoon. I was alone in the room
and confused at first. The bedroom wasn’t my own. When I realized I was at my
dad’s house, one memory followed another.  Cade was dead, and I felt my soul
crumple in on itself. The sobbing returned with a vengeance. Both my parents
came to my side, and my mom enveloped me like a soothing blanket. “It will be
okay, baby,” she said rocking me back and forth. “It’s going to get better, I
promise.”

My
father stuck another capsule in my mouth. “It’ll take the edge off, Ellia.” They
could give me cyanide, I wouldn’t care. I swallowed and continued to cry. My
mother stayed by my side, but my dad left the room. He’d never been there for
me, and he still wasn’t. Cade meant nothing to him, anyway, I reasoned. As the drug
kicked in, it had a calmative effect. My mom exited when my tears subsided, and
I fell into a zombie state, staring at the ceiling for hours in the aftermath.

When
the effects of the pill wore off, the hysteria returned, and it scared me to
have no control of myself. My mother came in and gave me another dose of the
mind numbing drug. “Cade’s aunt and uncle are having his body taken up north,
honey. The funeral is set for Wednesday. Do you want to go home today?” she
asked.

“Yes,”
I responded, my voice reduced to nothing but a hoarse whisper.

“You
need to get out of bed and take a shower, Ellia. I have food ready for you
downstairs, and we’ll leave after you eat something.” My mom took my arm and
helped me off the bed. She led me to the bathroom and deposited my bag at my
feet. “Do you want me to help you?”

“No.
I can do it,” I muttered. My mother rubbed my back and then left me alone. I looked
at myself in the mirror. Cade’s blood lay smeared on my face and caked in my
hair. Snot clung to my cheeks in dried hard streaks. Although it was macabre, I
didn’t want to clean his blood off of me. I wanted to keep it forever. It was
all I had of him. I sat down on the toilet, refusing to shower. An hour went by
before my mother returned, knocking and entering at the same time.

“Honey,
what are you doing? Get into the shower,” she said. “I will help you.” She took
my arm and tried to remove my blood stained T-shirt.

I
pulled away. “Don’t touch me. I want to go home.”

“We
will, but you need to wash that off of you. Just let me shampoo your hair and
wipe down your face if nothing else, okay?” my mother pleaded.

“I
don’t want to wash. Leave me alone!” I turned away from her like a pouting toddler.

“Why
Honey?”

“It
is Cade’s blood, and I want to keep it. Go away.” I violently pushed her, and
she almost fell into the shower.

“You
can’t keep it, Ellia. It won’t bring him back. You need to face this.” My mom cried.
“Please get in the shower; I can’t bear to see you like this.”

“Then
don’t look at me,” I said. My mother got up and left the room. I stayed sitting
on the toilet staring at the stone tile work on the floor, wishing I could fall
through it and stop existing. My father entered next.

“Ellia,
you will wash yourself, or I will do it for you,” he said, taking my arm. I
struggled away from him and took a swing. He grabbed me and held my arms down while
turning on the shower. He forced me in and yanked my clothes off of me at the
same time. I watched the last of Cade flow down the drain, and I screamed again,
but it came out in squeaks and squeals as my voice was gone from all the
sobbing.  My father pinned me as if I were a violent suspect, and he scrubbed
my hair. The struggling ended when the water ran clear. I had nothing left to
fight.

My
dad eased me down on the shower floor and finished the job. He turned off the
shower when I was clean and stepped out, his own clothing dripping. Reaching
under the sink, he produced a big towel and dried off his clothes to the best
of his ability and then dried me. After wrapping me in the terry cloth that
smelled brand new, he picked me up under my arm pits and put me back on the
toilet to brush and dry my hair. My mother returned, and the two of them dressed
me as if I were an inanimate play thing.

“I’m
sorry, Ellia, but it had to be done,” she said, the sadness heavy in her voice.
I didn’t speak to her or anyone else. My mother led me downstairs to the kitchen
where I refused to eat, or drink, or do anything but stare into an empty world.

“Just
take her home, Beth. If she doesn’t snap out of it in a few days, call a doctor.
Give her the medicines as prescribed, for now. She’ll be okay, though, I am
sure of it,” I heard my father say. They led me out to my mother’s car and said
their good-byes. I watched the city disappear behind me, knowing I was
disappearing with it. Merciful sleep found me before we even hit the
expressway.

“Your
wife?” I said with my heart racing. His revelations never seemed to end. “Are
you married?”

Cade
laughed. “She wasn’t really my wife. It was an undercover thing, and she was
pretending to be my wife. I just wanted to watch your reaction.”

“You’re
an asshole, Cade Cantrell,” I said, swatting his arm, but glad to see a little
humor back in his void personality. I was quiet as we parked in front of the
cabin. It bothered me though. The thought of him with another woman still had
the power to get me upset, which seemed ridiculous. The sulkiness and
melancholy settled on me again.

“I
guess it shouldn’t matter if you had married, after all, I thought you were
dead, so what difference would it have made? You probably spent time with many
women in the last decade.” It sounded petty and harsher than I intended. He said
nothing, just got out of the car and unloaded our bags. The covered porch held
two rockers which sat side by side swaying in the breeze as if specters were in
attendance. I followed him inside on the wake of our silence. The place was
bigger than expected, and a beautiful fireplace with a moose head above it
graced the main room. A little country kitchen was off to the right. A set of
split log stairs led to a loft area where I could see comfy chairs and a built
in bookcase overflowing with books.

“What
do you think?” he asked.

“It
is cute,” I replied, and walked to the huge windows flanking the ledge rock fireplace.
The view was spectacular, looking down over the hills of Tennessee. “Amazing,”
I said. “How long did you stay here?”

“A
weekend, but I always thought it would be a cool place to visit again.”

“Yeah,
a great little hide-away for a married couple to vacation.” I smiled at him,
trying to be funny and hide my jealousy.

“I
will show you the bedroom,” he said, ignoring the comment. He took my hand and
led me to the master on the main floor. A large walkout opened onto another
spectacular view which extended to a private deck with a hot tub nestled in the
corner. We walked outside, and the cold air made me shiver. December had
arrived and winter was upon us, yet the weather was still mild compared to
Michigan. He lifted the lid to the hot tub, and steam poured out. “That looks
good, huh?”

“It
does,” I said. “Did you and your wife enjoy it?” He gave me a strange look, one
I couldn’t quite read. This was the new Cade, and the intricacies of his mind
were a complete mystery. “What?” I asked.

“Do
you really want to hear the details of what I did and who I did it with while we
were apart, Ellia?” He regarded me with a stern expression.

“Maybe
I do,” I said, although I wasn’t sure that was the truth. His honesty would upset
me, but I was a glutton for his punishments, it seemed.

“You
and I were separated for ten years, so yes, I had sex with other women. Sometimes
it was while it was on assignment with strippers and prostitutes, and sometimes
it was just for me, for fun.  Did I have sex in this cabin? Yes, I did.  Since
you seem to want all the sordid details, you might as well know that I also
took illegal drugs in the line of duty to maintain a convincing cover. I have
wounded people, and I’ve killed people—as in plural.  Am I proud of it? No, I’m
not. I did a lot of deplorable and shitty things as a means to an end, or to
protect myself and others. Don’t stand there looking so surprised when I warned
you about me before you threw yourself at me in the motel. I’m not asking for
your forgiveness. It is what it is, I am who I am. You can take it or leave it.”

“Ouch,”
I said, his cold demeanor freezing me. I stepped away from him and gripped the
railing, trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with him.

He
came up behind me and wrapped me in his arms while kissing my neck. “For the
record, I am glad you threw yourself at me. I’ve wanted to be with you since I
grabbed your sexy ass back at the park in Petoskey.”

Even
though the goal was to lighten the mood, I wanted answers. “What kind of drugs
did you take? How many women did you sleep with, Cade. Should I be concerned
for my health?”

He
released me and stood next to me; both of us peering out into the landscape. “I
never used needles, if that’s what you’re asking. I snorted coke a few times
and smoked weed. When I had sex, I always used protection. You are the only
woman I’ve ever been with without a condom. Every year I get a physical,
including blood work, and I am clean. What about you? Can you say the same?”

Wondering
what he was getting at, I glared at him. “I took pills, and I never paid for
sex.”

“You
paid for drugs with sex,” he said returning my gaze of steel. The revelation he
knew what I had done my first year of college, in the throes of depression and
addiction, made me angry all over again because he didn’t care enough to save
me from myself.

“Fuck
you.” I went into the house, slamming the patio door. He stayed outside while I
paced in fuming circles. After stewing for several minutes, I went back to the
deck where he sat in a lawn chair, staring off into the horizon.

“Did
you ever love anyone else? Was all the sex meaningless, or did you ever fall in
love again?” I braced myself for his response.

He
sighed as if deciding whether to withhold the information and stood up to face
me with his answer. “Yes, even though hearing this will hurt you, the answer is
yes, I loved someone. I was with a woman for almost a year. We met at Quantico,
and we were serious. I cared for her very much.”

He
crushed me, just as predicted. Anger holding the hand of that jealousy unfurled
in me like a poisonous spider. I dipped my response in sarcasm before it fell
from my lips. “That’s nice, Cade. I’m so happy you could easily find someone else
and go on with your life like I never existed. That is really special.  So what
happened? Why aren’t you still together? Did you have to fake your death with
her, too?”

“She
got tired of competing with you,” he said, and walked back inside the cabin. I
wasn’t sure what he meant, so I rode his heels through the glass doors, closing
out the cold behind us.

“What
is that supposed to mean?”

“I
think you know what it means. I told you I never stopped loving you, and that
is the truth.  Willow figured out rather quickly that my heart would never be
hers, not completely. I tried to let you go, for both our sakes, but I
couldn’t, or I wouldn’t, whichever the case may be. She left me, and after
that, I got so involved in this assignment, it ceased to matter,” he said. “Are
we done now? Did you hear enough or would you like to judge me a little more?”

I
was so angry I wanted to smack him. “What kind of name is Willow, anyway?” I
asked because nothing else came to mind.

Cade,
despite his own annoyance, laughed at me. “Really? Is that all you’ve got?”

“Don’t
you dare laugh at me; it’s not funny. This bothers me so much.”

He
shook his head and smirked. “Do you even hear yourself?  Of all the things I’ve
done in the last ten years, the only one that troubles you is my relationship
with Willow? Come on, that is laughable, don’t you think? Grow up, Ellia.
Besides, you had a serious relationship with Matt. So what is the damn difference?”

“The
difference,” I said, my lips trembling as I struggled to hold back my emotions,
“is that I thought you were dead. I believed I lost you forever. Meaningless
sex for me was always in a drugged or drunken stupor to fill the giant
hollowness you caused inside of me. Nothing could ever fix the emptiness in my
soul, not even Matt. But you knew I was alive. You were aware I was out there,
lost and pining for you. Telling me you kept tabs on me only hurts that much
more because you let me suffer. You watched me agonize for ten years, and never
once did a single thing to ease my burden. I nearly killed myself while you
replaced me and built a life for yourself. Do you understand how insignificant
that makes me? You LOVED someone else, and I was dying right in front of you.
You admitted you would’ve been content to go on without me in your life if this
job hadn’t forced you to reveal the truth. Meanwhile, I still struggle every
day to keep my head above water. I lost the ability to love another man, but I
pretended I did so I could find normalcy in my broken life. You didn’t even have
to pretend.” I finished the sentence as the tears settled in the corners of my
mouth. Selfish or not I wanted to know he suffered as much as I had.

He
stared at me, weighing his words as he always seemed to do before speaking. “I
never said I’d be content to go on without you.” He growled and shoved his
hands in his pockets as if to control the anger I provoked in him.  “What the
hell do you want from me? You want me to be sorry that I tried to go on living?
Well, I am not.  I chose a different path of coping, but that doesn’t mean I
wasn’t hurting. If that makes me an asshole, so be it. When Willow came along,
it was five years after you, and I was lonely as fuck. I won’t lie and say my
feelings for her were not real because that’s not fair to her.  I’ve told you
many times how regretful I am for everything that happened, and I’ve run out of
ways to convey it.  If you can’t forgive me, then we need to end things right
here. I hope when it’s safe for you to go home, you will have enough closure to
get over all this once and for all.”

“Is
that what you want? Do you want to call it quits and go back to your real life
once this case ends?” I asked, my heart beat resounding in my ears at the
thought of losing him again. “You can run to Willow and make it work now that you
see the pieces you left behind can never be glued back together. I’m a fucking
mess, and who wants to deal with that, right? Was last night just part of a
guilty conscience? Did you throw me a pity fuck?”

“That
is bullshit and you know it,” he said as he ran his hands through his silky black
hair and down behind his neck, lacing his fingers there, making his biceps
bulge. He stared at me a few moments, and I watched the mask of anger fall away
from him. He set his irritation aside and closed the space between us to cup my
face with his palm. “Last night was … I don’t even have words for how you made
me feel. It only reaffirmed that I want to start over with you, even though I
sure as hell do not deserve that chance.   When I took you from the hospital, I
never dreamed we would reconnect, and I’m still not sure we can make it work.
You have a lot of anger and resentment towards me you need to work through, and
I understand that. I’m also not naïve enough to think it will ever be like it
was before, but I don’t want to live without you. Once this shit storm is over,
I would love to build a life with you. If you can’t forgive me, or you can’t
get past everything that happened, then I guess I don’t see the point in
continuing. It’s up to you.”

I
chewed on his words for a while as my tears spilled onto his fingers. “I can’t
figure out how to deal with this anger, Cade. If I had found out about you
without the backdrop of this drama with my dad, maybe it would be easier—I
don’t know. I have to grieve my family and Matt while coming to grips with
whatever is happening between us.”

He
used his thumbs to wipe my tears before wrapping me in his arms and kissing the
top of my head.  “What do you need from me, El?”

Despite
everything, I still needed him. “I am trying hard to forgive. Please be patient
with me when I act immature, and selfish, and jealous. I will make an effort to
find compassion for what you suffered, too, but it’s difficult, because my own pain
has kept me trapped for so long. When I am mean and irrational, I want to
punish you for all that torment. I’m working through emotions I can’t control.
I love the Cade I buried, and I still love that part of him left inside of you.
My head tells me to stay away from you because my trust in you is so damaged
I’m not sure it can ever be repaired.  But I’m still drawn to you in that same
inexplicable way I was at seventeen, and even though it’s probably a huge
mistake, I could never walk away without at least trying. I need you, Cade—I’ve
always needed you.”

“I’m
right here, and I am never leaving you again. Thank you, for trying.” He
whispered, holding me so tightly I could barely breathe. “You are the only
thing in my life that has ever made me feel complete.” His lips found mine, and
he pulled me into the bedroom, the one place that obliterated all the lingering
issues between us.

***

I
spent the days following Cade’s death in a Xanax induced stupor, barely
functional. Other than trips to the bathroom, I didn’t get out of bed again until
the day of the funeral. Food revolted me, and I shed weight at an alarming
rate. Sleeping pills were the only thing that kept away the screaming
nightmares through the long nights. The morning of Cade’s burial, I got up, at
my mother’s insistence, and put on the black dress she’d laid out for me. Not bothering
to brush my greasy, tangled hair, or remove the grime from my teeth, I waited
to leave. I didn’t care, not about anything.

When
my mother walked in and observed my disheveled state, she cried. “Ellia, you
can’t go like this. Honey, you need to take a shower and wash your hair. I understand
you don’t want to, but please do it for me. Don’t send Cade off this way. He
wouldn’t be happy to see you in this condition.”