False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (26 page)

“Your
girl? I thought I was your girlfriend. Your name isn’t even Joe?” I asked, feeling
small and alone as I sat on the ground looking up at him.

“Of
course it’s not, you stupid cunt. Listen, you wanted to get high
twenty-four-seven, so I provided you with what you needed. You fucked me in
return for the pills, remember? We are not a couple, you crazy-ass bitch. You
need to find a new supplier, I am done with you. You are seriously mental,
Ellia,” he said.

“I
think I’m pregnant,” I blurted as the tears fell down my face.

“Well,
deal with it, you slutty whore. I’m not the only dude you’ve been screwing.” He
was right, there were at least two or three other guys I’d let do me when I was
too messed up to care. “It’s not my problem, but I would suggest you get rid of
it. God help any kid you would mother,” he said then stormed back inside the
bar.

The
reality of what I’d become hit me hard, and I took off running. When I got back
to my dorm room, my roommate wasn’t home, and I was relieved. I opened my
fourth-floor window overlooking the courtyard and stood up on ledge to lean
out. The cold air slapped me in the face as I pushed my body out even further.
For almost ten minutes, I willed my fingers to cooperate and just let go of the
window trim. They held on tight, though, and I dropped back inside, exhausted
from holding my weight with fingertips for so long. Rock bottom was a dark,
unfathomable pit, and it’s where I landed. Without help, I knew there was no
way out of my despair. I called my dad, not knowing who else to contact. Joe
was right, I was crazy, and I would die if I didn’t get my shit together.

Too
my amazement, he picked up on the first ring. “Hello? Ellia is that you?” he
asked, surprised to hear from me. I’d not spoken to him since the day after
Cade’s murder, shunning his phone calls.

“Dad,”
I said breaking down in tears. “I am in trouble. It’s bad.  I am so lost, and messed
up in the head. Please, I need help,” I sobbed.  I spent hours pouring out all
my indiscretions to him as shame consumed me. “I don’t know how to stop taking
the drugs because I can’t stand the pain when I’m not on them, but I can’t stand
the person I am when I take them. I want to kill myself, but I might be
pregnant. And guess what? I have no clue who the father is.  How can I have a baby
when I am so fucked up? I’ve probably ruined it with all the shit I’ve been
doing.”

“Ellia,
I am on my way to you. I want you to stay calm and pack up your stuff. We will
deal with this when I see you. Promise me you will not hurt yourself. Wait for
me.”

“I
promise,” I said, but he had already disconnected. I had no faith he would show
up, but I packed everything I owned, knowing I would leave, one way or the
other. My days as a college student had ended.

His
knock resounded on my door just a few hours later. The absolute shock on his
face when he saw me would have been comical under different circumstances. I
weighed about ninety pounds, and my bones jutted out everywhere, making me look
sharp as dagger. Weeks earlier, I’d cut off all my hair in a drunken bet at a party.
It stuck up in uneven spikes all over my head, greasy and unwashed. My skin had
become a gray pallor, so deathly I could’ve passed as a vampire at a Halloween
party.

“Jesus,
Ellia,” he said, pulling me into an embrace. He was tender; as if I would break
into tiny pieces if hugged too hard. It was the first time in months I’d felt
affection from someone who didn’t want to use my body. He picked up my things
and directed me to the car. “Why didn’t you call me sooner?” he asked, merging onto
the expressway.

“Dad,
I don’t know what I’m doing,” I said, and stared out into the cold December
night.

The
next day, he took me to a physician’s office where I was given a complete physical,
and vials of blood were drawn from my scrawny arms. Relief flooded through me
when I found out I was not pregnant, and the lack of menstruation was a product
of my emaciated state. I was further relieved a few days later when all my bloodwork
came back normal except for anemia. I was HIV negative and had no STD’s. The
doctor prescribed a heavy regimen of vitamins to take and lectured about the
dangers of unprotected sex, drug use, and alcohol abuse. Once given a clean
bill of health, my dad checked me into a treatment center, where I spent several
weeks getting sober. Christmas came and went, and my mother wanted to visit,
but I refused to see her. The sight of her would drag me down that dark road
again, and I wasn’t strong enough, yet. I could tolerate my father, only
because he had not been a part of my life with Cade. There were no unwanted memories
attached to him. My actions hurt her, so I wrote her very long letters to try
to explain it to her.

I
was discharged just after the New Year and went back to my father’s place. I
finally felt stronger than I had in too many months to count. The sadness would
never leave me completely, but I had found a way to bury everything and cope on
a day-to-day basis. Although I understood my life was forever changed, for the
first time since Cade’s death, I believed I might have a future. I wasn’t sure
what I would do with it, or where I was going to go at that point, but at least
I had hope. My father quickly clarified my plans for me.

“You
do realize that you have lost all your scholarships and every bit of your
financial aid, don’t you?” he asked while we ate dinner at a local restaurant
near his house. I nodded, knowing I had blown my entire chance at a college
education.

“I’m
sorry, Dad. I screwed up everything in my life, but I will get a job and figure
something out,” I said, pushing my salad around my plate.

“Are
you better? I mean really better?” he asked. “Have you learned your lesson?”

“Yes.
I don’t know if I will ever feel like a whole person again, but I promise you I
won’t drink or do drugs anymore. I did learn my lesson. I got lucky, and I
don’t take that lightly. I will work hard and prove to you and mom that I am
fine now,” I said. “I’m sorry I worried everyone so much.”

“Well,
I have arranged for you to return to U of M, and I will cover the costs. But I
swear Ellia, if I so much as see a B on your scores, there will be
consequences. You are getting a second chance so you better not blow it. If you
do, then you are out on your ass, and I am done with you. You are not the first
person, nor the last person, to have lost a loved one. It is no excuse for your
behavior, and I won’t go through this with you again. Do you understand?” he
asked. “Look at me when I speak to you.”

My
father had always been a little harsh and demanded respect from those around
him.  It was nothing new. “Yes, Dad, I do understand, and I promise I will work
hard. Thank you for your help and the opportunity.”

I
made good on my promise to him. The next few years slipped by quickly. I was
tunnel-vision focused on my schooling, taking extra credits to finish my degree
right on schedule, despite the missing semester and wasted time. I didn’t
party--ever, and never touched a drop of alcohol or any drug stronger than an
aspirin in the three and a half years of college that followed my breakdown. I
didn’t have many friends, and I didn’t date anyone.   

 My
heart remained an empty vessel where echoes of the past were often heard, though
I made it an art to forget and avoid the pain inside me. Many times I found
myself faking the normal responses I was supposed to elicit, just to seem healthy. 
Acting became a daily occurrence.  I was far from whole, but I was doing better
than I thought I ever could. If living was the same as functioning, then I had
it mastered. It was the best I could hope for in a life without Cade.

The
days at the cabin ran together as the winter wore on with no sign of trouble. We’d
been there a few weeks and Christmas was near, but I didn’t want to celebrate;
it seemed disrespectful to my mom, and Sam, and Matt.  The sadness often hit me
hard, and it was difficult to think about them. Cade did his best to draw me
out, to make me face the pain, but I couldn’t.

“We
will do whatever you want with Christmas, Ellia,” he said, handing me a cup of
hot cocoa. We’d just come in from building a snowman and were still shaking off
the chill.  He sat down beside me and put his arm around me. I put my head on
his shoulder. We’d found a comfortable existence with each other outside of the
bedroom. We talked a lot, but he was still as tight-lipped about his life, as
he had always been, and I often had to pull the information out of him. He’d
relent and tell me what I wanted to know, about his feelings or about his
work.  I handled his truths well, except for Willow which would never fail to
rile my emotions. I’d have a mini-melt-down, and we’d fight, eventually moving
away from the subject and making up, tangled in the sheets. We were
re-discovering each other on more than just a physical level, and I was falling
in love with him all over again.

Though
he frequently told me he loved me, I was trying hard to guard my heart. Saying
it out loud felt too scary—too real, so I never returned the sentiment.  He finally
stopped expressing his love, knowing it made me uncomfortable. But I believed
he knew how I felt, even if I wasn’t ready to vocalize it. Cade had always been
good at assessing my moods and reading my body language. That ability most
likely served him well in his career with the FBI. Sometimes I was sure he knew
me better than I had ever known myself. He’d foresee my disposition before I
saw it coming.

Christmas
came and went without mention, other than an extra special prayer for my family
over an elaborate ham dinner prepared by Cade. He didn’t let my mood linger in
a dark place for long, and that night, he arrived to bed dressed as naughty
Santa, complete with a Santa hat, a black belt, white fur cuffs, and black
boots. His costume had a wrapped box, resembling a present, over his genitals.
He was otherwise naked, and I enjoyed the view of every sculpted muscle. I had
no idea which trip to town had procured the items, but I broke out into hysterical
laughter as he
ho-ho-ho’d
his way over to the bed.  I took my time unwrapping
his present, teasing him and driving him wild with anticipation.

The
next morning, I was up first, and I giggled as I stepped over the discarded
Santa costume in my path to the shower. We’d had a great night, and I was
thankful he had distracted me from the depressing thoughts that plagued me.
After I showered and dressed, I checked back in with Cade.  Curled on his side,
he was still sleeping. Rather than sit around and wait for him to rouse, I decided
to go for a hike, confident in my ability to navigate the trails on my own. I
tucked the loaded gun into my pocket and scrawled a quick note for him in case
he woke before I returned. I was breaking a rule we’d made about going out
alone, but after so many weeks, and no sign of trouble, I didn’t see the harm.

I
walked for almost two hours, in the area Cade and I often jogged. He worked out
daily to keep fit, and I always joined him for the outdoor cardio. I wished I had
a camera to capture the beauty of the hills and the playful wildlife that
frolicked there. It was easy to forget about danger when surrounded by such
serenity. I was half way back when I saw Cade stalking up the trail towards me.
There was a light coating of new snow from the night before, so it had been simple
for him to track me. “Hey, Santa baby,” I said, happy to see him.

“What
the fuck are you doing, Ellia?” he yelled at me. He was angry as he clenched
his jaw and spoke through his teeth. “Can you ever do what I ask you too? There
was one fucking rule to staying at this cabin, and you broke it. If you need
time away from me, fine, go in another room; don’t take off in the mountains.  What
if you had fallen and gotten hurt? What if an animal had attacked you? What if your
father’s ex-friends were out here? Sometimes you act like such an ignorant,
irresponsible child. Have you forgotten why we are here? This isn’t a goddamn
vacation.”

It
angered me when he treated me like a juvenile. “You don’t own me. If I want to
take a walk I will do so. Who in the hell do you think you are?”

“I
am the idiot who’s trying to keep you alive when you apparently have no regard
for your own life. Since you couldn’t muster up whatever it took to throw
yourself out a fucking window or swallow some sleeping pills, are you looking
for alternatives at this late date? You could have saved me the trouble of
brining you here.” I could see the regret of his words as he sighed and looked
to the ground. A backhand across my cheek couldn’t have hurt worse. How could I
ever trust him when he threw the darkest moments of my life in my face? I
stormed past him, and he grabbed my arm to stop me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t
have said that.”

Pulling
away from him, I said. “Well, you did, so fuck you, Cade.” I took off running
down the path and didn’t slow until I reached the cabin, my lungs on fire. He
was right behind me when I arrived and not nearly as out of breath as I was,
which, made me even angrier. I went to the bedroom and slammed the door. After
stripping off my coat and boots, I threw them in the corner hard enough to
knock over the floor lamp. The bulb shattered on the hardwood, but it gave me
little satisfaction.
He doesn’t want to be here with you, Ellia. You are
still just a job he feels compelled to finish. Why he is toying with your heart
in the process, is a mystery. Maybe he is just that callous. You know he was
right, though, you shouldn’t have went out alone. It was dangerous and stupid.
Sometimes you are daft.
I was beyond irate at him, and myself, and there
was nowhere else to direct the energy. I paced around for a while, then walked
out on the deck and took a few deep breaths.  Finally, the anger began to
dissipate, and my heart rate slowed. As if he knew it was finally safe to
approach, he walked out on the deck behind me.

“I
didn’t mean to hurt you, El. I shouldn’t have talked down to you like that, but
I was scared. I saw your note, and you put the time down that you left. It had
been hours.  I completely flipped out, but it’s because I was afraid that
something had happened to you. My fear turned into anger. It was a cruel thing
to say, and I am sorry,” he said again.

“Don’t
worry about it. I apologize for going out alone and worrying you; it was
thoughtless and dangerous, you were right. Hopefully, I won’t have to trouble
you much longer. The sooner the FBI closes this case, the sooner you can be
done with me,” I said, and turned to walk away from him. He stopped me, and
made me look at him.

“That
is not what I meant so don’t twist my words. I’ve told you countless times how
I feel about you, and I will never regret bringing you here. Yes, I wish this
really was just a vacation, but it’s not. We need to be vigilant, El. I
apologize for making my point by being an asshole, but this is serious.” He
stared at me, waiting for a response. When it didn’t come, I saw the fear in
his eyes, and I knew I had jumped to the wrong conclusions again. “Is this just
a fight, or is it a complete set back for us?”

“Just
a fight,” I said, and walked past him. “I’ll get over it. It seems I always do
when it comes to you.”

I
curled up in chair and read a book for most of the day while he stayed outside
and cut wood. By dinner time, I was talking to him again. I understood why he
was upset, but I hoped it wasn’t the way he’d always try to affirm his stance.
My shame was difficult enough without him flinging it back at me.

It
was early the next morning when Cade bolted upright. “Get dressed,” he said
jumping out of bed and throwing himself into his clothing, complete with boots
and gun.

“What?”
I asked, still groggy, not sure if I was having one of my infamous nightmares, or
if he was on the heels of his own.  

He
grabbed my arm roughly and dragged me off the mattress. I was momentarily afraid
of him, and he saw it in my face. He loosened his grip, kissed my forehead, and
whispered in my ear, “Someone’s in the cabin, Ellia. I need you to put your
clothes on and don’t forget your boots. Get your gun and stay focused.” I
nodded and did what he said, while he waited next to the bedroom door,
listening, with his own gun drawn. He motioned for me to come and stand behind
him, once I was clothed. I shakily held my pistol out in front of me, but Cade
took his hand and lowered it to point at the floor. He was nervous I’d shoot
him by mistake in a state of panic. Plinking at trees a few times for target
practice, made me no expert. He held his finger to his lips and reached for the
door handle, just as someone kicked it in, slamming it into Cade’s shoulder. He
was ready, but so were they. Three men entered and circled him like coyotes
working a jack rabbit. Cade held his weapon on them, but they were also armed.
It was a stand-off.

“Run
Ellia!” he yelled at me. The intruders blocked the exit so I opened the slider,
hoping the fall to the ground below wouldn’t kill me. Another man was just outside
the glass, waiting for me on the deck. He grabbed me and wrestled the pistol from
my grip with little effort and threw it over the railing.
Why did I ever
think it would be safe to hike alone? They must have been watching me. I
couldn’t defend myself against a dragonfly.
By my hair, he dragged me
inside the room, and it was just enough distraction to allow the thugs to
subdue Cade. They put him to the floor, and the biggest one put a knee in his back
while the other handcuffed him. The guy on his spine pointed the barrel at
Cade’s skull, and I was about to watch him die for the second time.

“Stop!”
I screamed, tears rolling down my face. “Please don’t kill him. I will go with you
and do anything you want. I have information about the money,” I lied. “Let him
go, and I will tell you where my dad stashed it.”

“You
have information of money?” asked one of the men, using an accent, possibly
German.

“Yes,”
I continued with the falsehood. “I’ve known all along, and I promised I wouldn’t
say, but I will now if you spare his life. If you kill him, I will never reveal
the location, and you will have to murder me too.”

“Don’t
Ellia,” said Cade, but the man on his back thumped him in the temple with the
butt of his gun, and he went unconscious.

“Don’t
hurt him,” I commanded calmly, “or you fuckers can go to your grave never
knowing.”  The three men spoke to each other in a foreign language.

“Fine,”
said the one with his knee still on Cade’s back.  He stood up but kept his boot
on top of Cade, looking like a big game hunter with his trophy buck. He issued
orders in his native tongue, and they escorted, me towards an SUV’s that was
rambling down the dirt driveway. The abductor shoved me into the backseat where
a man in a suit awaited me.

“Ellia
Meyers,” said his silky smooth voice. He had dark hair, slicked back, and tan
skin. I guessed he was mixed American/Arabic descent, but couldn’t be sure. He
spoke as if raised in the United States though. “It is so good to finally meet
you.”

“Who
are you?”

The
man chuckled. “All things in their own good time, my darling,” he said.

The
other men came out of the cabin, and we started to leave the mountain. I looked
back over my shoulder, praying the evil monsters had kept their word.  One of
them lit a match and tossed it towards the cabin. Big hot flames erupted,
billowing smoke into the sky as the other man pitched the empty gas can into
the fire. The cabin was engulfed in a matter of minutes, and Cade was still
inside the tinder box.

 Hysteria
set in as I realized I’d lost him again. “They said they wouldn’t hurt him,” I
yelled.

“They
said no such thing, young lady—you made assumptions.”

“You
bastard!” I struck out against the man in the seat next to me, but he expected
my reaction and punched me in the face, rendering me unconscious.

When
I woke, I was on concrete, its unforgiving roughness biting into my backside. I
was wearing nothing but a hospital gown though it was clear I was not in any medical
facility. I sat up, and the pain in my head was so sharp, it made me dizzy. The
room was devoid of light, and the damp smell of mold was present. I thought
about Cade, and it was a familiar knife to my gut. I hid the pain away. If I
dwelled on it, I’d never survive. I took deep breaths, willing myself to stay
calm. I’d lived through Cade’s death once before, and I’d have do it again. The
grief would need to hide under the suffocating blanket in my mind, to keep
despair from swallowing me. All I needed to focus on was escape.

 I
searched around in the dark, and discovered I was not in a shed this time but a
cinder block room. The locked door seemed heavy, like a fire rated steel one. I
had the idea I was in a basement with no obvious way out. The realization that
no rescue would come, dawned on me like an oppressive weight. The FBI would
assume I was still off playing house with their rogue agent, not locked up
somewhere at the hands of the enemy. My fate was clear unless I made it out on
my own.