Family Thang (45 page)

“Stop hitting him. I got him in a headlock. Check his pockets for a weapon. Hurry up!”

Ruth Ann opened her eyes and tried to distinguish the milieu, but it was too dark. “You got him, Shirley?”

“I sure do, and it ain’t Eric.”

“Something’s missing!” Leonard said. “It’s not a he!”

A rustle came from the fireplace. “Robert Earl?” Shirley said.

“What?”

“Glad you could join us. It’s over now.”

“It’s not a he,” Leonard said. “It’s a woman!”

“I heard you the first time, Leonard. You checked her for a weapon, didn’t you?”

“Yes, she’s clean.”

“Anybody got a lighter…a match?”

“No, I don’t have one.”

“I don’t, either,” Ruth Ann said.

“I have a penlight,” Robert Earl said. “No matches or a lighter.”

“Robert Earl, if it’s not too much trouble, would you turn it on, please!”

A small ray of light appeared, pointed directly in Robert Earl’s face, grinning sheepishly, without a single tooth in his mouth.

“Leonard,” Shirley said, “would you please take the light from the toothless wonder and shine it over here so we can see who we got!”

“Oh!” and played the light toward Shirley.

“Oh my God!” Leonard shouted.

“Jesus!” Ruth Ann exclaimed.

Shirley screamed.

“Momma,” Robert Earl said. “Y’all killed her!”

“Let her go!” Leonard shouted at Shirley. She did, and Ida crumpled to the floor. Everyone, except Robert Earl, knelt down beside her.

“Momma,” Shirley said, patting Ida’s face. “Momma, wake up! Momma, wake up!” The light moved away. “Robert Earl, keep the fucking light over here!”

“Sorry.”

“Mother, please wake up!”

Ida blinked open her eyes, the right halfway, a black crescent forming underneath. Her expression bewildered and frightened, she tried to make out her surroundings.

“She’s all right!” Leonard said. “She’s going to be all right!”

“Momma, say something,” Ruth Ann said.

Ida scanned her children’s faces. In a slurred whisper: “Was there a specific reason why y’all kicked my ass?”

“Wasn’t me,” Robert Earl said.

“Momma, I’m so sorry!” Shirley said. “Momma, we thought you were someone else.”

“Mother, it was a mistake. We didn’t know it was you.”

Ida pushed Shirley’s hand away from her face. “Sorry, hell! You punched me in the eye, put me in a chokehold! Who was it feeling underneath my damn clothes?”

“Ask Leonard,” Robert Earl said.

“Robert Earl,” Shirley said, “why don’t you go hide again? I’ll let you know if someone shows up with napalm. Go on!” Robert Earl didn’t move. Shirley returned her attention to Ida. “We’re sorry, Momma. Lord knows we are. We thought you were someone looking for Ruth Ann.”

“I was looking for Ruth Ann,” Ida said. “Damn! Didn’t you hear me calling her name when I came in?”

“Oh-oh,” Robert Earl said.

“Momma,” Ruth Ann said, “why you come up here looking for me?”

Ida sighed and stared at Ruth Ann, and then at Shirley and Leonard. “Robert Earl, son, would you stop shining the light in my face?”

“No can do, Momma. We have to hand you over to the sheriff.”

“She didn’t do it, moron!” Shirley said.

“The only person left is your boyfriend.”

“He didn’t do it, either!”

“Seems to me we’re running out of suspects.”

Ida stared directly into the light. “When he stops shining the light in my face, I’ll tell you why I come up here.”

Shirley snatched the penlight out of his hand. “Go ahead, Momma.”

“I found a will on the table,” Ida said. “I snapped. I didn’t know if someone was messing with my mind, trying to drive me crazy, or setting a trap for Ruth Ann. I tore up the kitchen.”

“We know, Momma,” Shirley said. “The will is a fake. I should have told you. I didn’t want you to worry.”

“Lord forgive me,” Ida said. “I might as well say it. There ain’t no will, never was one. I lied about there being one. You can hate me if you want, but there it is.”

“Shirley, Leonard,” Robert Earl said, “I think y’all hurt Momma when y’all beat her up. She’s talking out of her head.”

“Momma,” Shirley said, “what are you saying? I don’t understand.”

“Your daddy never saved any money. He thought he was in his company’s stock-sharing plan--he wasn’t. They never told him he had to sign the papers. When he learned the truth, he did sign up, but then he was too close to retirement to save any real money.”

“Why?” Leonard said. “Why did you tell Robert Earl he had a will?”

“Because…because I missed my kids. Your daddy did, too. We had Shane, but still we missed our kids. Y’all were too busy to stop by for a few minutes. You’d say you were coming and never show up. We’d wait, not wanting to go anywhere in fear of missing you coming by. Hours later, nothing! Not even a phone call to tell us you couldn’t make it. I’d cook a big meal, and a few days later I’d have to throw it out. Larry and I could only eat so much.

“We were lonely. I didn’t think it too much to ask your children to stop by every now and again and sit a spell. So I said what I said. Next thing you know the phone ringing off the hook day and night, family started coming over not knowing when to leave. I was going to tell everybody the truth at the barbecue…” She let out a soft cry. “…and someone murdered your father.”

Something knocked on the far wall. Shirley pointed the light at the noise. Robert Earl was banging his head.

He stopped and glared at Ida. “Bingo wasn’t an option, Momma? You know how much debt I’m in because of you?”

“Shut up, Robert Earl!” Leonard said.

“Make me! I’m in worse shape now than when I started. No job, no credit! Nothing from nothing leaves a headache! I saw a snake I needed to buy, couldn’t afford it. All ’cause Momma and Daddy didn’t think Viagra.”

“Robert Earl,” Shirley said, “you keep disrespecting Momma, I’ll pop the tumor in your big head!”

“You might as well do what you gotta do. I’m already tore up from the floor up.”

“I’m sorry, son,” Ida said. “I shouldna lied to you. Lord knows I didn’t think it would come to all this. Just knew one of y’all would figure it out. Nobody thought the obvious. The man woke up in the middle of night to steal a rotten tooth to avoid forking over a quarter--and now he’s willing out money, and he ain’t sick!”

“It was Daddy who did that?” Leonard asked.

“Yes, he did. I thought once y’all figured it out, we would laugh about it and y’all would start dropping by once in a while.”

“Did Daddy know anything about this?” Ruth Ann asked.

“No. He was curious why all a sudden everyone started calling and coming by. He wouldn’t admit it to nobody, even me, but he was glad y’all…” She broke, sobbing loudly. “He was a stingy, foul-mouthed cuss …but I loved him!”

Robert Earl said, “Give me a break!”

“It’s all right, Mother,” Leonard said. “Everything is going to be all right.”

“I think about him every minute,” Ida sobbed. “Every second! I never intended to kill him!”

“Mother, you didn’t kill him. You couldn’t have known.”

“Depends on who you asking,” Robert Earl said. “She hasn’t said anything about the gopher poison in her closet.”

“Shirley,” Leonard said, “what’s stopping you from kicking his ass? You didn’t hesitate tossing me across the room. Kick his ass and make him shut up! He’s not helping the situation here at all.”

“What’s he talking about?” Ida said. “Gopher poison?”

“Mother, I found a box of poison in your closet.”

“Your father bought it for Shirley and she never got it. Shirley, you remember you told your daddy you were having problems with raccoons near your house?”

“Yes, you’re right, Momma.”

“Ruth Ann!” Eric called from outside, “please come help me! Please, Ruth Ann!”

“Robert Earl,” Shirley said, “are you still feeling suicidal?”

“Nope. Not at the moment.”

“Who is that?” Ida said.

“Eric,” Leonard said.

“Why don’t he come inside?”

“He wants Ruth Ann, Mother.”

“What in heaven for? And where’s Shane?”

“Ruth Ann!” a woman shouted. “Ruth Ann, I know you hear me!”

“Who is she?” Leonard asked.

“Estafay!” Shirley said. “Estafay! I knew it was her!”

“Ruth Ann, you’ve got thirty seconds to get out here, or I’ll blow your boyfriend’s testicles off. I mean it, too! I sure will. You better get out here. Now!”

“If you do,” Shirley shouted, “I swear to God, Estafay, I’ll kill you!”

“Who are you?” Estafay shouted.

“It’s me. Shirley. Estafay, let Eric go!”

“Come out and get him, fatso!”

“I’m going to kill that heifer! Momma, I swear to God, I’m going to kill that crazy heifer!”

“Robert Earl?” Ida said. No answer. “Robert Earl?”

“What?” Robert Earl said, his voice far off again.

“Is he outside?” Ida asked.

Shirley pointed the light at Robert Earl’s dusty hiking boots inside the chimney.

“How did he--What’s he doing in there?” Ida asked.

“He’s hiding, Mother.”

“Robert Earl,” Ida said, “get outta there! Your wife is out there--you hear her! Go out there and talk some sense into her, so everybody can go home. Get out of there, Robert Earl, and start acting like a man.”

“Estafay killed Daddy, Momma,” Shirley said.

“How you figure that, Shirley?” Robert Earl said.

“Ruth Ann,” Shirley said, “you remember the day before the barbecue? You told Estafay she didn’t have to buy all the meat herself. You tried to give her some money and she wouldn’t take it. The meat she brought to the house was separated in Tupperware bowls. One for chicken, another for ribs, one for hot dogs and one for neck bones.”

“Yes,” Ruth Ann said. “You’re right.”

Robert Earl said, “Why y’all trying to pin it on Estafay? She’s a sanctified woman. A little high strung, yes. She’s still a good, sanctified woman. Shirley, you gave everybody else the benefit of doubt--give Estafay one, too.”

“You might be right, Robert Earl. I doubt it. There’s only one way to find out. You go out there and talk to her. Maybe she’s teed off because not one of us contributed to her church building fund. Who knows? You go out there and find out what her problem is.”