Feel My Love (9 page)

Chapter 18

Ryan

I can’t wipe this stupid smile off of my face.  She
just told me she loves me.  That’s even better than when my girls tell me that they love me because they’re stuck with me and I know I’ll always have them. 

Brynn doesn’t hav
e to love me and she still does for some reason.  I’m really scared to see what’s going to happen to us when I have to go back home in two days because I want Brynn to be with me forever.  The way she said she didn’t want anything in her life to change on the way home made me think that she only wanted this thing to last while I was here, and then when I went home we would end and she’d go on with her life. 

But she told me she loved me, too.  Maybe that means we have a shot even after I leave and we go back to our
daily lives.  These thoughts are starting to make me jittery and I need a shift in my brain, so I look around the room for something to talk about and notice a guitar next to a small keyboard in the corner by her bookshelves. 

“Will you play me something?”  I
ask.  Brynn’s eyebrows crinkle together, but she must not think too much of it because she says “What do you want to hear?”  I smile, knowing I’m in for a treat “I don’t know, surprise me.” 

She smiles at me, stands up and strolls over
, still naked, to grab her guitar.  She turns before coming back to the couch, and flips on the living room light and then grabs two water bottles out of the fridge, then walks back to me. 

She places both of the water bottles on the coffee table
, pulls her pick out of the strings, and then strums her guitar a few times and hums.  Finally, she sits in front of me on the coffee table with her legs between mine, smiles and says “I know what I’m going to play.” 

“What?  D
on’t keep me in suspense.” I grin, while she’s still strumming on the strings, searching for the right chord.  She doesn’t tell me the song she’s going to play, just shakes her head and smiles.  Finally, the first few notes are played, and I instantly smile wider, knowing what she’s playing. 

“When I Come Around” by Green Day was my favorite song when we were in high school.  I played it way too many times and Brynn hated that song by the time we graduated.

When she finishes, I clap a few times and chuckle.  “Very good, Brynnie, but I thought you hated that song.” 

“Oh
, I do, with a passion” she scoffs, then laughs and clarifies “but, the guy I took guitar lessons from in college was a huge Green Day fan, and that was one of the first songs he taught us to play.  I hate that song even more now.” 

I laugh
and rub my hands along the outside of her thighs.  Her beautiful blue eyes are shining at me while she smiles.  “Can you play me something else; maybe on the keyboard?  I always loved watching you play when we were younger” I say. 

She was always so good when she played.  Her mom forced her to learn the piano when we were in fifth grade and it was the only thing that her mom made her do that she never complained about.  I always knew she loved music, and now it’s very evident with her night job. 

Brynn shrugs and walks over to the wall and props her guitar on the stand before she brings her keyboard toward me and places it on her lap.

Brynn closes her eyes and starts to play a beautiful melody.  When she starts to sing, I know exactly wh
ich song it is. 

“M
ake you feel my love” was Brynn’s favorite song when we were younger.  She put this song on a CD she burned for me when we were in high school, and every time we got into my car, she would put that CD in and skip straight to this song. 

I always thought it was because she loved this song, but thinking back to what Becca told me yesterday about how Brynn felt about me in high school, maybe she was trying to tell me something
and I was too stupid to notice it. 

I wonder if
I should tell her that I played this song for my girls all the time when they were younger and they still listen to it all the time.

I watch Brynn play the song effortlessly, still naked and her eyes still closed, and when she comes to the end of the song a tear runs down her cheek.  I catch it with my thumb and take her keyboard from
her, placing it on the coffee table.  I grab her thighs and pull them toward me, trying to get her to look at me.  “What’s the matter, baby?  Why are you crying?”

Chapter
19

Brynn

I don’t want to tell him that the song makes me cry because, even though he’s here with me now, I played it constantly during high school and even in college, wishing that he would know how much he meant to me and actually want to be with me. 

That was one song I always poured everything I had into because it held so much meaning for me.  “I’m okay” I say,
opening my eyes, wiping at my cheek and taking a deep breath so I can stop looking like such a big baby.  “I have just always loved that song.  It really means a lot to me.” 

Ryan’s mouth pulls up on the side and he rubs his hand up and down my arm, then he says “I know that song means a lot to you.  I never told you this, but when you weren’t in my car in high school, I used to put that CD in that you made for me and listen to that song because it reminded me of you.  I still do it to this day. I actually think that’s the CD that’s in my car’s player right now.  My girls love that song, too.  They make me play it all the time.”
  I smile at him.
Smart girls
.

Play
ing that song mentally exhausted me and now I’m ready to lie down and relax.  I look up at Ryan and say “Are you ready to go to bed?  I’m tired.”  He just nods and stands up, stretches his arm out for my hand and pulls me up. 

I follow him into my bedroom, and lay down next to him on my bed.  As soon as we both get comfortable,
my head on Ryan’s shoulder and our legs tangled together, Ryan pulls the blanket up around our shoulders and then wraps his arms around me. 

All day it’s been driving me crazy that I haven’t told him about my family.  I keep thinking that if we’re actually going to make this thing work, he has to know about what happened between my parents and me.  I’m sure he still sees my parents and maybe even my sister around town and I don’t want things to be awkward for him when he goes back home.

“Uh, Ry?”  I say, wondering how I’m going to tell him about this.  “Yeah baby?” he says, smoothing my hair off of my forehead and kissing it.  Here goes nothing. 

“I know we just started this whole thing yesterday, but
if we’re going to be together, I don’t want any secrets between us.”  I tilt my head so I can look into his eyes and I notice that he has his brows pulled in and he is frozen. 

“What are you talking about, Brynn?  I swear to God, if you
fucking tell me that you are married or you have a boyfriend I’m going to-“ 

“No, no Ryan” I cut him off and h
is body relaxes.  I laugh and clarify “I’m not married and I’m not with anyone but you, but I have to tell you the truth about my family.”  His voice cracks a bit when he says “Okay.”

I nod a few times, wondering how I’m actually going to say it, but figure it’s better to just get it all out.  “Okay, you know when I was at home and all they wanted from me was to get married and have a litter of kids for them to play with?”  Ryan just looks down at me and nods.

I take a deep breath and continue “Well, when I told them that it wasn’t what I wanted and that I was going to finish school, they freaked out.  I told them that I broke up with Jake because I found out he was cheating on me, and instead of telling me that I made the right decision, my mom actually called Jake and begged him to take me back. 

“
She told me she thought I was being childish and selfish; that Jake was a good man and I shouldn’t break up with him because he made one mistake.  Of course she was drunk at the time, but she still thought I was the one who was wrong.” 

I just sha
ke my head, recalling my mom on the phone with Jake, sobbing and apologizing for me being so stupid. 

“So, I told them that I had applied to different out of town schools and that I wanted to experience life without being chained to a family yet.  My father was livid; told me that my role as a woman was to get married and have children, not to finish school and work in some fancy office.
 

“
After three hours of listening to them scream at me and call me every belittling name under the sun, I gave up and figured avoiding them would be best until I heard back from some of the schools I’d applied to.  When I got the letter from SDSU a few weeks later saying that I was accepted and was getting a full ride scholarship, I told my parents and they told me in so many words that if I decided to leave, not to bother coming back.  They disowned me.” 

My bedroom is quiet and I think that my story has
put Ryan to sleep, but then he clears his throat and says in a low, grumbled voice “Are you fucking kidding me, Brynn?  They disowned you because you wanted a better life for yourself before you started a family?  And because you didn’t want to marry a cheating asshole?” 

All I can do is nod; I know if I speak I will start crying.  I feel Ryan tighten his arms around me and kiss the top of my head.  “I’m so sorry, baby.  I wish there was something I could have done for you back then.
  So, did you stay through the summer and then leave?” 

I shake my head and clear my throat.  “No, I packed up most of my clothes and
grabbed the savings I had, hugged Becca goodbye, and got in my car.  Luckily it was in my name, or my parents would have found a way to keep it.  I came down to San Diego two months before the semester started and got a job as a waitress and lived in a hotel.  I knew that I’d be living in the dorms on campus and it didn’t make sense to rent an apartment for a few months and then break a lease.”

I breathe a deep sigh, feeling so much better about getting that off my chest.
Then I wonder if Ryan ever talks to my family.  I know the town is small and everyone talks, so I thought he would have heard about the Harris family downsizing from two daughters to one.

“Damn it, Brynn, I’m sorry. I wish I would hav
e known about this.”  Ryan says loosening the death grip he has on my shoulders. 

“It’s okay
Ryan; I just wanted to tell you the truth.  I wasn’t missing from Becca’s wedding because I had something come up at work; it was because my parents told Becca that if I were there, they wouldn’t help her and Tyler pay for any of it, and they were young.  Neither of them had a lot of money, but they didn’t want to get married in someone’s backyard so I told Becca I would stay away and let her have the beautiful wedding she deserved.  It’s not her fault that my parents want nothing to do with me and I didn’t want them to punish her for it.” 

“So, do you still talk to Becca at all?” Ryan asks
, sounding a bit nervous. 

“Yeah, I call every once in a while and try to video chat at least once a month so that I can talk to Milo.  Even though I’m not allowed back home,
Becca hides it from my parents and lets me talk to Milo, and it’s nice to know that he can put a face to his Aunt Brynnie.  I send him gifts and Becca flowers every couple of weeks.”

I si
t for a few minutes waiting for Ryan to say something, but he doesn’t, so I decide I need to cut through the silence.  “I didn’t mean to upset you, but I figured you still see my family around town or whatever and I didn’t want you to think it was weird when they blow you off if they find out we’re dating.  They don’t give a shit what I’m doing and it would be safe to say that if you told them you were with me, they would tell you to save yourself the trouble and run in the other direction.” 

Ryan kisses my forehead and then shifts so that he’s looking into my eyes.  “I could never, ever run in the other
direction from you, Brynn.  You are what I have wanted my entire life.  If they ever say a negative word about you to me, they will get an ear full about how wonderful their daughter is and how fucking stupid they are for tossing you out of their lives like they did.  I might even let my girls go egg your parents’ house while they sleep.”  Ryan waggles his eyebrows at me and it makes me laugh.

Chapter 20

Ryan

At this moment I really hate her parents for treating her like that.  I work out at the same gym as her dad and I talk to him almost weekly, but he’s never
said anything bad about Brynn.  Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time he brought up Brynn at all. 

It infuriates me that her parents, who portray the
se sweet, God fearing, Christian people, could turn their backs on someone as wonderful as Brynn.  It’s sickening to think that they cast her out all because she didn’t want to marry that cheating asshat; because she wanted to make something more of her life. 

I know
that I should tell her how close I am with her family; that my girls and I have gone to her parents’ house a few times for Sunday dinners, hell, even that Becca watches my girls five days a week, but in this moment my mouth is frozen shut.  All I can do is kiss her beautiful full lips and say “I love you so much, Brynnie.  You are a part of my family.” 

“I love you too, Ryan, so much.”
is her reply and then she lets out a deep sigh and closes her eyes.

I don’t even
think she’d be upset that I still see them.  She knows we live in a small town and that you can’t sneeze without someone on the other side of town knowing about it.  I wonder how I never heard about Brynn’s parents disowning her, then.  That would have been headline news until she finally came back home. 

They must not have
said anything to anyone about it, which is unbelievable because Brynn’s mother is the town gossip, and they must have sworn Becca to secrecy, which also pisses me off because I always thought Becca would tell me if she talked to Brynn.  Then I remember talking to Becca yesterday and her telling me that it was Brynn who made her promise not to talk about where she was; now I understand that it was Brynn’s parents who didn’t want anyone to know where she went.

W
hen her breathing evens out, I’m still staring at her face and rubbing my palm up and down her arm, wishing I had the balls to just tell her the truth.  I think it’s going to be worse if I wait to tell her, but I love Brynn and don’t want to hurt her when we’re finally reconnecting.  It takes me almost an hour of laying next to her and trying to match her breathing before I fall asleep, knowing that I may be making a huge mistake holding in this information.