Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass (2 page)

“The position you used was not approved,” she said.

Alice had no earthly idea what the queen was talking about. “The position—”

“You were leaning forward, showing off those jutting nipples and lush breasts of yours and plunging the vibrator in and out, in and out, in and out from behind. I’m afraid I can allow neither the leaning forward position nor the fantasy of men ogling your bare breasts through the looking glass.”

Alice glanced at the kings, who now both had spread open their robes and were holding their stiff shafts in hand, ogling her bare breasts.

“But that wasn’t a fantasy,” Alice explained. “The two kings really were watching me through the looking glass. They are watching me now.”

“We all are, dear,” said the White Queen, and she slid a hand between her legs and began to stroke the glistening wetness there.

The Red Queen shook her head severely. “I’m sorry. This won’t do. Only the ruling queen can decide which fantasies and positions are allowed on this side of the looking glass, and you’re not a queen at all.”

Alice scrambled to her feet, feeling very embarrassed, not from the nudity and the staring and the masturbation, but from the realization that she’d offended a royal; quite a horrific prospect indeed.

“I must apologize, Your Highness,” she said as she curtsied. “I didn’t mean to offend. Truly. I’m not familiar with the rules.”

The Red Queen’s frown faltered, then slid from her lips, replaced by a satisfied bow of a smile.

“Very well, then. I like a young woman who knows her place. I shall teach you the rules right now.”

She picked a thick, leather bound volume from a bookshelf, carried it to the table, and plopped it open, scattering chess pieces far and wide.

“Now here,” said the Red Queen, extending a long finger tipped with a ruby red nail, “are the acceptable positions.”

Alice and the two kings and White Queen gathered around her and peered down at the book.

“But your majesty,” Alice said. “There’s only one position here. The woman is lying down and the man is on top of her.”

“The missionary position,” said the Red King, nodding his head sadly.

Alice had heard of that name for it, and the position reminded her of the way she and Lewis used to make love before she’d learned many sexy lessons in Wonderland (now available exclusively for Kindle).

“Is that the only position acceptable?” Alice asked.

“There are others. Just look for yourself.”

Alice did, slowly turning the pages of the book. On each page, the couple was in the same exact position, the woman on the bottom and the man on the top. Only in one picture, the woman was raising one arm. In another, she was raising two arms. In a third, the man and woman were both raising an arm and holding hands. The fourth depicted the woman and man each raising an opposite arm. In the fifth, the woman was raising an arm and smiling.

“But except for a bunch of silly arm raising, they are doing exactly the same thing.”

“No,” the Queen scolded. “There is a different name for each position. That means each position is different. See? This is
Missionary Holding One Hand
. And this one is
Missionary Kissing on the Cheek
. And this one here is
Missionary While Watching Lifetime For Women
.”

Alice had to admit she thought the Red Queen was loopy, not that Alice would ever dream of saying that aloud. A queen is a queen, and since Alice wasn’t a queen, she couldn’t possibly disagree with authority.

“What about different positions?” Alice asked. “Such as the woman on top?”

The Red Queen frowned. “Forbidden.”

Alice looked at the other three royals, and noticed neither king was paying attention. Instead, they were staring intently at her nudity and stroking themselves. The White Queen wasn’t looking at the book either, instead winking at the White King every so often, pinching her nipples through the white lace bra, and smiling as if she had a glorious secret.

The Red Queen cleared her throat, bringing Alice’s attention back to her. “Forbidden positions have also been catalogued in this book, but it is forbidden to look at them.”

“Well, shouldn’t we be able to look at them so we can be sure we don’t do any of them?” Alice asked.

“The little tart has a point,” said the White King.

The Red Queen sighed dramatically. “Very well,” she said, flipping open the book. “This travesty here is called the
Open Fire Hydrant
.”

It was, indeed, and appropriate name for it.

“And this is,
Camel In Repose
.”

“I can sort of see the repose action,” Alice said, squinting, “but I don’t understand the camel reference.”

“It refers to the hump, dear,” said the White Queen. “There is also a two humped camel variation.”

“Also forbidden,” the Red Queen snapped. “And look at this nasty one;
The Leaky Faucet
. Just look at that mess they’re making.”

“Delightful,” the Red King said, though he said it in a very sad way.

The Red Queen seemed not to hear her husband. “Check out this abomination,
The Spinning Noodle
. I don’t see how that is even possible unless both partners are double jointed.”

Alice wasn’t sure it was possible either, but the explicit pictures were making her ache with desire. She wondered if it would be rude if she were to touch herself.

“Show her
Reverse Layup with Happy Ending
,” suggested the Red King.

“How about
ER Visit
?” suggested the White. “That one is quite a challenge.”

“We should stop this,” said the Red Queen, her face getting brighter than her outfit. “I have not approved those positions. And fantasizing about them is off limits, too.”

“Even fantasy is forbidden?” Alice asked. The Red Queen had mentioned that before, but Alice still found the idea shocking.

“I have forbidden everything I am uncomfortable with or don’t understand,” said the Red Queen. “Tolerance is a slippery slope to debauchery. Why, we wouldn’t want people strutting about, making love in any perverted way they please, would we?” she asked the other royals.

They grumbled a non-coherent reply.

“Am I allowed to touch myself?” Alice asked, her fingers eagerly anticipating the answer.

“Yes, of course you are,” the Red Queen said. “But only in bed at night, with all the lights out, and not for more than eight seconds.”

“Eight seconds?” Alice said. “But, that’s not long enough!”

“That’s all I need,” said the Red King, even though he was touching himself right that moment and had been doing so for far longer than eight seconds.

Alice was just about to point that out, when the White Queen gasped.

“Oh, my!” she said, walking to the window and peering outside. “Whatever shall we do?”

The Red Queen’s attention snapped around. “What’s wrong?” she demanded.

“I think there’s a problem in the courtyard, Red Queen. I believe they are all too bored to continue making love.”

“Take care of it.”

“As you wish,” said the White Queen and peeled off her bra, unleashing a very attractive pair of breasts with long, erect nipples.

“Not that way,” said the Red Queen. “You are far too much of a slut, White Queen. If it were up to you, all manner of fantasies and positions would be allowed, and then where would we be?”

“Having fun?” muttered the Red King.

“Tolerant of others?” whispered the White King.

“Harrumph!” sputtered the Red Queen. “We need order in Looking Glass Land. Only with order can we have conformity, and conformity, as we all know, is the only path to happiness. I’ll have to take care of things myself.”

And so she stormed out of the room, leaving Alice and the others with the book.

The White Queen sidled up to Alice, her breasts still bare, one nipple brushing lightly against Alice’s. “While she’s gone, let us look at more of the fun positions.”

She stared flipping through the book, while the kings ogled and stroked.

“What’s that position called?” Alice asked, pointing.

“
Agonizing Cramps
.”

“And that one with the one man and two young women?”

“
Impending Divorce
.”

“What are those three people doing?”

“
Knot of Rectums
.”

“And that single man, in the corner?”

“
Frightened Virgin
.”

“What’s that one called, where she has her legs up over his shoulders and her arms behind her in a twist?”

“
Quadriplegia
.”

“How about this one, where he puts it in her bottom while hitting her in the back with a rotten fish and calling her vulgar names in French?”

“
Joyful Sunset
.”

“And that woman on her knees, surrounded by eight men touching themselves?”

“
Emergency Trip To The Hairdresser
.”

“How about that man who has two other men in his hands?”

“
Carpal Tunnel
.”

“That woman over there, eating pie?”

“That’s an ad for Weight Watchers, dear.”

“Oh. How about those five old men, with all the girls climbing on them?”

“
Aerosmith
.”

“There certainly are a lot of banned positions,” Alice said. “How about this girl held upside down on the table, all greased up with lard?”

“
Impending Lawsuit
.”

“The man who has the rope around his neck while he’s touching himself?”

“
Cautionary Tale
. It’s also known as
Dead on Arrival
and
Twitter Meme
.”

“How about that woman with her whole fist in her mouth?”

“I have no idea,” said the White Queen. She turned to the White King. “Do you know the name of this position?”

“Can’t say I do, but her boyfriend is one lucky bastard.”

The White Queen turned to a new picture, a position like Alice had never imagined in her wildest dreams.

“I can’t believe THAT!” said Alice.

“Can’t you?” the White Queen said in a pitying tone. “Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.”

Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said: “one
can’t
make love in such an impossible position.”

“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the White Queen. “When I was your age, I always did that for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I tried as many as six impossible sex positions before breakfast.”

Alice studied the photo again. She’d have to think about that, and even as she did, standing there with the kings and queen, she could feel the ache between her legs grow stronger.

“If I were you, dear, I’d get out of here while she’s gone.”

Alice snapped out of her reverie. “Gone? Who?”

“The Red Queen,” said the Red King.

The White Queen nodded. “We’re having a swinging party, and you don’t want to be part.”

“A swinging party?” Alice said. She glanced around the room but saw no swings. Perhaps they were in the garden. “I love parties.”

“Not this one, you won’t,” said the White King with a sigh.

“Why not? Are the swings outside?”

“There are no swings, dear, although sex swings are delightful fun.”

“Yes, they are,” said the Red King with a sigh.

“How do you have a swinging party with no swings?”

“A swinging party, my dear, is a party where couples gather and have sex with other couples.”

Well Alice wasn’t a couple, not since she broke up with Lewis, but the idea of the swinging party sounded naughtily enchanting. “And I can’t join, because I’m not part of a couple?”

“Oh, you can join,” said the Red King.

“We’d love to have you join,” said the White King.

“It would be wonderful to have you, my dear,” said the White Queen. “Attractive and charming women such as yourself are welcome at virtually any swinger’s party. You don’t need to be part of a couple.”

“I find the three of you to be attractive and charming, too. So why shouldn’t I love
this
swinger’s party?”

“Because my dear, at a swinger’s party on this side of the looking glass, we must all follow the Red Queen’s rules.”

Alice pictured that for a moment. Missionary position. No fantasies allowed. “Oh, I see. But can’t we change the rules?”

The White Queen slowly shook her head. “I’m afraid the ruling queen gets to set the rules for fantasy and sex on this side of the looking glass.”

“Funny,” mused Alice. “On my side of the looking glass, fundamentalist religion does that. Although most people only pretend to be pious, so enforcing their rules is not all that successful most of the time.”

“I say we all try to jump through the looking glass!” said the White King, throwing a fist in the air.

“I say we get in a quickie before the Red Queen gets back,” said the Red King, rubbing his stiff member against Alice’s thigh and cupping one of her breasts and one of the White Queen’s in each hand.

“What do you think we should do, Alice?” asked the White Queen.

“Well,” Alice said, wrinkling her brow. “I don’t rightly know. Should I even have a say?”

“Everyone should have a say,” said the White King.

“But you are all royalty. I’m just plain, regular Alice.”

“There’s only one answer to this problem,” the White Queen said.

All three turned to look at her; Alice and the two kings.

“Alice has to become a queen.”

If there was something she could say that would have shocked Alice more, Alice didn’t know what it was. “A queen? Me?”

“Certainly!” said the White Queen. “You’d make a fabulous queen.”

“Yes, you would,” said the White King, lowering his head to suckle Alice’s nipple.

“Yes, you would,” said the Red King, now behind her and probing between her legs with his rigid manhood.

“Yes, you would,” said the White Queen, dropping down to her knees and preparing to lick between Alice’s thighs. “You just need to have an open mind.”

“That’s all I need to become a queen?”

The White Queen toyed with Alice, using the tip of her tongue. “That’s all you need.”

“I daresay, you have the rest of the requirements already,” said the Red King, rubbing his hardness over her bottom and between her legs as if coating himself with her nectar.