Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass (7 page)

“What is your name, young lady?” one of them asked. Alice had forgotten which was which.

“I’m Alice.”

“Well, Alice, tell us again what you seek.”

“An open mind,” Alice said. She almost added, “and no more talk of which of you ugly little farts is sexier, or I’ll scream.” But she didn’t add that, because it was mean.

“Well, Alice. The best way to open your mind is with an excruciatingly long poem.”

“Oh, please don’t.”

“You don’t like poetry?”

“I really despise it. Can’t you teach me open-mindedness with a hard spanking? Or through some sort of sexual escapade? Really, I’d even prefer being tied up and teased for hours than listening to—”

“A poem it is!” said the other one. “I shall now recite the very, very, very long poem, THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER. It is the longest poem I know.”

Alice cringed, looking for a path to escape, but a Tweedle grabbed each of her hands, then held hands themselves, and they all began to swing in a circle as the terrible poem was recited.

The financier D. Walrus
Always paid his debts in checks
But when he paid the Carpenter
It was with anal sex.

“The time has come,” D. Walrus said,
“To give you what you’re due,
I’ll mount you like a priceless stamp,
For I’m in love with you.”

“Outrageous!” cried the Carpenter
“You’re like some raging bull!
I cannot work for orgasms!
Or when my bum is full!”

As Walrus thrust, he pictured, thus:
The sweet, white cliffs of Dover,
Plus it was hard to hear his friend
Whilst he was bent over.

“What was that?” Walrus inquired,
“Did you say something, dear?
It’s mighty hard to hear you
As I’m thrusting up your rear.”

“I wish to be paid differently!”
The bowed carpenter pleaded.
“Preferably in a way
Rear entry isn’t needed!”

Walrus grabbed his tender hips
And his thrusts picked up speed,
“But surely, my dear carpenter
It’s precisely what you need!”

“I’ve watched you build my kitchen
And I really have to say
Any man with such good taste,
Must certainly be gay.”

“That might be true,” came the reply,
“But you, sir, take advantage.
Plus your manhood is so large,
That I can barely manage!”

D. Walrus knew just what to do,
And growling like a hound,
He used his hand to give his friend
A welcome reach-around.

The Carpenter cried out with joy,
His hips began to spasm
And he joined D. Walrus
In a mutual orgasm.

D. Walrus gave him a wet kiss
They shared a tender hug,
Neither of them showed concern
For the stains on the rug.

“So… shall I go and cash a check?”
D. Walrus asked his friend.
“I just made a big deposit…”
“Yes, you did! In my rear end!”

The Carpenter then laughed aloud,
“It’s been a long, long while,
Since a benefactor paid me
With bareback doggy style.”

“But I still need cash,” he stated,
Because sex won’t buy me bread,”
So cheap D. Walrus countered with:
“What if I give you head?”

The Carpenter considered it,
And then gave his consent,
A blowjob seemed more urgent
Than promptly paying rent.

D. Walrus dropped down to his knees,
And slurp-slurped up his dingus,
Which he was much better at
Than awkward cunnilingus.

“Oh my! Oh my! Oh me, oh my!”
The Carpenter extolled,
Then he filled Walrus’s mouth,
With his hot and salty load.

From that day on, they were a pair,
And both their lives were great,
They wed in San Francisco,
Fuck Proposition Eight!

“What is Proposition Eight?” Alice asked. She was surprised the poem wasn’t as bad as she’d feared, and even more surprised because she felt she’d learned something.

“It was a Constitutional Amendment passed in California to ban same-sex marriages,” Tweedle Dum said solemnly.

“Why, that’s abhorrent!” Alice proclaimed. “People should be able to marry whomever they want to!”

“We agree,” said Tweedle Dee. “But this country is still firmly stuck in Puritan times when it comes to sex. Did you find the Walrus and Carpenter poem offensive?”

“No. I thought it was lovely. Though the meter was off a few times.”

“It’s a hastily written parody,” said Tweedle Dum. “No one is trying to win a Pulitzer here.”

“There’s no danger of that happening,” said Alice. “But I do have to ask you something. It’s about my boyfriend, Lewis. I dumped him because I caught him wearing my underwear.”

Tweedle Dee gasped and fainted, falling into Tweedle Dum’s arms. Then Tweedle Dum stood him back up, and he gasped and fainted, falling into Tweedle Dee’s arms. They repeated this an irritating number of times until Alice wanted to club them both to death.

“Enough!” she finally demanded.

“You hate us, because we’re gay!” Tweedle Dum decried.

“No, I hate you because you’re annoying little bastards. How about trying to teach me about tolerance instead of playing around?”

“Dear Alice,” said Tweedle Dee, his face a picture of serenity. “Human sexuality is a strange and beautiful thing. No one knows where we get our preferences. Could be our genes. Could be early life experiences. Could be from viewing too much Internet porn. Sexuality, no matter what type, is completely natural as long as there is mutual consent. But when we start condemning others for their choices? That’s evil.”

Tweedle Dum pointed a finger in Alice’s face. “It is none of your business where I stick my dingus, unless I’m trying to stick it in you.” He sidled up to her, slipping a hand around Alice’s waist. “Is that something you’d like?”

“I… I… I don’t know,” Alice stammered. “What about diseases?”

“We’re both regularly tested. Plus we use condoms.”

(Of course, in Alice’s fantasies, no one actually used condoms, but in real life, she recognized the need for them and was very responsible.)

“I… I thought you were gay,” she said.

Tweedle Dee shrugged. “We swing both ways.”

“But, aren’t you married?” she asked, looking at their ring fingers and seeing gold bands.

“We just told you we swing.”

Oh yes, Alice had learned about swinging from the kings and queens. “Do you only use the missionary positions?”

“Were you sent by the Red Queen? Are you here to spy on us?”

Both the Tweedles’ members shriveled and shrank right before Alice’s eyes, like helium balloons on a cold day.

“Heavens, no! The Red Queen banished me to the courtyard.”

“But you’re not in the courtyard now,” Tweedle Dum said.

“I escaped with The White Queen’s help. I’m trying to expand my mind so I can become a queen myself.”

“When you’re a queen, will you regulate fantasies and sex acts?”

“Heavens to Betsy! No, of course not!”

“You’re not judgmental about the sexuality of others?”

“A thousand times no! Why would you even think something like that? I am very open-minded and tolerant.”

But either Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dee didn’t believe her, or the specter of the Red Queen’s rules had frightened them deeply, because both of their members hung flaccid and sad beneath their bellies.

Then Tweedle Dee (or perhaps it was Tweedle Dum) said something that made Alice feel even worse. “You do realize that the only people who declare they are open-minded so adamantly are those with closed minds, right Alice?”

Alice didn’t know how to answer that, so she looked down at her pumps and tried not to cry.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I don’t want to be closed-minded. And I feel terrible that I’ve ruined your charmingly curved erections.” She sniffled. “Is there any way I can I help you get them back?”

Tweedle Dee looked at Tweedle Dum, and Tweedle Dum looked at Tweedle Dee.

“We have an idea,” the said in unison.

Alice brightened. “You want me to suck one of your stiff quarter rolls while the other one slides into my slot of riches from behind?”

“No,” said Tweedle Dee. “I’m afraid that won’t cut it.”

Disappointed, Alice pondered for a moment. “I know! You want to stick one of your love rockets into my bottom while the other one plunders my secret garden with his shaft of pleasure?”

“No,” said Tweedle Dum. “I’m afraid that isn’t good enough either.”

“And also,” said Tweedle Dee, “Your euphemisms are annoying. Why must you purposely be annoying, Alice?”

Now Alice was getting frustrated. Again she found herself wanting to kill the odd little Tweedles, but due to the lingering heat of Gnat’s teasing and her own lascivious suggestions about what she could do with their charmingly curved members, she didn’t want to bludgeon the strange little men any longer. Now she wanted to hump them to death.

Alice unbuttoned her thin white blouse and cupped her breasts together, nipples jutting excitedly at the duo. “How about mammary intercourse?”

“Don’t be silly,” the Tweedles said.

Alice stood there, feeling like an idiot, holding her bare breasts in her palms. “What then?”

“Stand there, just like that,” said Tweedle Dee.

“Just like that, except spread your legs apart,” said Tweedle Dum. “And lift your skirt.”

Alice did as they asked, tucking the front hem of her skirt into the waistband to reveal the shaved area between her legs. She still felt a little silly, but that was overridden by the anticipation of what they might do, now that her breasts were bare and her thighs were open.

“Now what?”

“Watch.” And with that, Tweedle Dee took ahold of Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dum took ahold of Tweedle Dee, and with two strokes of each other’s lengths, both the curve up and the curve down were stiff as could be.

“Are you ready now?” asked Alice, and she spread her legs farther apart, the cool air caressing the (very!) wet heat between.

“Keep watching,” said Tweedle Dum, and he fell to his knees and took his partner’s shaft deep into his mouth.

Tweedle Dee moaned, and his eyes turned back a little in his head.

Alice pinched her nipples, rolling the sensitive nubs between her fingers as she watched the show, wondering when they’d get to her.

Dum cupped Tweedle Dee while he sucked and licked and did all manner of appealing things with his (very!) talented tongue. And as he bobbed and weaved, putting his energy into the task, his own member bobbed and weaved and swayed heavy between his legs, and Alice found herself wanting desperately to take him into her hands.

“Don’t,” said Dee, as if reading her thoughts. “We’re not at all ready for you yet.”

So she stood there while they traded places, Tweedle Dee doing the sucking and flicking and bobbing and weaving, his curved upward tool stiff and glistening and hanging temptingly like delicious fruit waiting to be eaten.

And Alice slipped one hand from her breast and glided her fingers into the wetness between her open thighs.

Now the two returned to penis fencing, rubbing one hard length against the other. And as Alice caressed herself in small circles and played with one soft mound of breast, she could feel building that sense of pressure and heat and emptiness. And she was looking at two things that would be perfect to fill it.

“May I please?”

“Please?” said Tweedle Dee.

“Please, please, please?” begged Alice.

“Please, please, please?” echoed Tweedle Dum.

Alice had no idea what else to say. In all honesty, she’d never had to try too hard to get men interested in making love to her. Never had to try at all, really. Not on either side of the looking glass. And now she was standing in front of these two erect and ready shafts with her nipples protruding and her special place dripping with want, and these two men she’d hadn’t even found attractive refused to let her touch them.

And yet, she wanted nothing more. Somehow, while watching their coupling, these unappealing little men had become very appealing indeed.

This land through the looking glass really was a backward kind of place!

She cleared her throat. “May I please put your long, hard cocks in my mouth and lick them with my tongue?”