Fighting To Stay (10 page)

Pushing our food to the other side of the island, he lifts me from my seat and sets me in front of him. Kissing me lightly on the lips, looking deep into my eyes.

“Baby, you need to calm down. Rome was not built in a day, sweetheart. Many of those have solutions. What is one thing you would like solved right now? Just one.”

Huffing in frustration, I look up at the ceiling. I decide to be realistic and not say what I’d really want to happen. “Well, since I know what I want to be solved right now, won’t be, I’ll go for the more realistic approach. A place to live because my apartment is no longer my home.”

He smiles. “Well, how about you move in with me? Now before you turn me down, I love you so much. I love falling asleep with you in my arms and waking the same way.”

Dropping my head, I fight the urge to cry. “I can’t move in with you Garrett.”

“Why not?”

“Because.”

“Because why? I mean, I love you and you love me. I don’t see the problem with it.”

“I just can’t. I’ll stay here for a little bit, but I can’t move in with you. Not yet. Not right now.”

Garrett looks down, sighs, and then stands. Watching as he collects the plates and places them in the sink, I chew on my lip. Resting his arms on the edge of the counter, he takes a deep breath.

“Are you… Are we…” he sighs again before turning around to face me. “Never mind, I have some case files that I need to look at. I’ll be up to bed in a little bit. Your appointment is at nine.”

He walks out of the kitchen, leaving me stunned by his mood change.
What just happened there?
My emotions are on overdrive lately and all I want to do is curl into a ball and never wake up.

Sliding off the stool, I walk out of the kitchen and sneak down the way he had gone. Seeing a cracked door, I quietly move to peer in. Sitting behind a big desk is Garrett, he’s staring down at files in front of him. As he looks through the pages, he keeps running his hands through his hair.

The look on his face is sadness. The thought of making him sad has me wanting to run into the room curl around him and tell him how sorry I am. Right now, my head is telling my heart that putting distance between us is exactly what I need to do at this moment. Even as my heart loses a piece with every beat.

Turning, I head upstairs to the room he brought me in a few hours ago. The blankets are still strung all over the place. Gathering up everything, I quickly make the bed. Climbing in, I try to force myself to sleep.

Sometime later, I see his shadow appear on the wall across from the bed. Slowly, I roll over and pretend to be asleep. Peaking at him through the slits of my eyes, I watch him watching me. Working hard, I keep my breaths deep and even.

Slowly, he walks towards me. When he reaches the edge of the bed, he pulls the covers over me completely. Leaning down, he kisses me softly, lingering there for a few seconds.

“I love you. No matter what, I always will,” he whispers before walking out of the room.

My eyes fill with tears and I cry myself to sleep.

Waking the next morning to the sound of the alarm, I groan sitting up. Tears immediately fill my eyes at the sight of the empty, never laid in spot next to me.

He never came to bed.

Wiping away the tears, I climb from the bed and head into the bathroom for a much-needed shower. After standing in there letting the hot water beat down on me, I wash and finish my shower.

Once I have dressed, I head downstairs to find Garrett. When I found no one in the kitchen, I head down to his office, but there’s no one in there either. Walking back into the kitchen, I slump onto one of the stools. My heart is breaking one sliver at a time. That’s when I see the note.

Dee,

I had to be in early this morning, but I have a car coming to pick you up for your appointment. Please make yourself at home. I don’t know what time I will be home tonight, but here’s a key. You’ll be fine today. Enjoy the day. ~Garrett

He just left me here.
Would he have done that had whatever happened last night not happened? Did he ever come to bed? Why do I feel like I’ve just lost a piece of myself?

Not even bothering to see what there is to eat, I grab my purse and head out the door. I’m not even sure where I am at right now, but I’ll figure it out.

On pure instinct, I turn right and head toward the end of the road. Once I get to the end and see the street I am on, I know the way to go to get to my appointment.

The walk is long and I am completely drained by the time that I get there, but I didn’t care.
I’m not taking this shit.

After a few minutes, I’m checked in and called back to the ‘chemo room’. Once they explain what they are doing and I am hooked up to the chemo drip, I put my iPod in and start listening to music. Grabbing my notebook, I start to write.

I fell in love with a man

That made me feel.

He gave me hope, helped me understand

Gave me a reason to see it all was real.

I fell in love with this guy

That saw past the tears.

He pushed away all of the why’s

Making me ignore my fears.

Oh I fell in love with a man

That fell out with me.

Making me believe that I can

Trust everything that may be.

But instead he steals my heart

And tears my world apart.

Oh I fell in love with a man

Only for him to break me inside.

I’ve lost myself and who I used to be.

My soul has holes that can’t be sealed.

I quickly see that love isn’t real.

Love is not meant for someone like me.

Not meant for one that already sees the end

And definitely not for the one I used to call a friend.

Oh I fell in love with my best friend

For my heart to be broken and to find the end.

Setting my notebook down, I lean my head back and close my eyes. The tears stream down my face and I don’t care who sees. The woman that sits in this chair is empty and alone.

Before I knew it, my time is done. The nurse has to wake me because at some point I fell asleep. Dizzy and tired, I stand and head toward the exit.

“Do you have a ride, Ms. Bryner?”

Taking a deep breath, I smile. “I do. Thank you. See you the same time next week.”

As I’m walking out, I see Garrett sitting behind a desk in a room off to the right of where I was at. He looks exhausted. Shaking my head, I keep on moving.

Once I’m out of the building, I pull out my cell phone. I dial the number for one of our hotels in our little town. Once I’ve made my reservation, I turn and head to work.

There is no way I am not going to work. Not now that I have to live in a hotel. When I arrive, my boss is shocked to see me.

“Donna, you…”

I cut her off. “I’m here because I can’t handle my thoughts right now. I will work at my desk and only on the cases I currently have open, but
please
don’t tell me I can’t come in.”

Evie seems to be struggling with her decision and I begin to worry that she just might not let me. After a few minutes, she starts to nod her head.

“Fine you can stay. You work in your office. You take on no new clients and if you feel ill, you
leave
. Do I make myself clear?”

“Crystal,” I smile.

“I will let you work however often you can as much as you can, but I will
not
tolerate you abusing yourself. Believe me; I get the need to push away the thoughts. Remember, I just went through the same thing three years ago. I’m here if you need me, but please don’t push yourself.”

Smiling at her, I promise that I will not do anything that would jeopardize either my work or me. Once she is satisfied, I walk back to my office and shut my door. Quickly, pulling up a client, I begin to work.

For the past four years, I’ve worked here creating websites for companies and people, some pretty high end clients. When I first started here, I thought I was going to be working directly with celebrities. I quickly realized their representatives handle everything, never them.

Unsure of how long I work, I start to feel sick to my stomach. Walking over to the couch in my office, I lie down and quickly fall asleep.

A loud buzzing noise wakes me from my nap. Sitting up, it’s dark outside. I still feel so damn drained. The loud buzzing noise continues to go off. Looking around, I see my phone lit up. Getting off the couch, I stumble slightly.

By the time I get to my desk, the phone stops buzzing. Grabbing it, I’m shocked to see that it’s eight in the evening. Opening the alerts at the top of my phone, I see that I have several missed calls from Garrett. Pressing the symbol to view the fifty text messages, I’m stunned to see they are all from Garrett.

Gathering my things, I head out of the office. Locking the doors up, the cool night air hits me like a ton of bricks. Normally, this would not have bothered me, but I’m just not feeling well tonight.

After walking for a little while, I sit down on a bench. Pulling out my phone, I view his messages.

Garrett:
You left your notebook when you left.

Garrett:
I’ve not fallen out of love with you, baby. Please write me back.

Skipping through them as they grow in concern.

Garrett:
You left your key on the counter, I’ve not heard from you. Baby, I’m worried. I love you. Please come back.

The messages continue with him freaking out about where I’m at and if I’m okay. He hurt me last night, but I’m not the kind of person that 'gets even'. Yes, I’m stubborn as hell, but not mean. Dialing his number, I wait for his answer.

“Oh my God, Dee, where are you?” He immediately asks his voice frantic.

“You hurt me,” I whisper.

“I didn’t mean to baby. Can we talk about this face to face though? I need to know you’re okay. Where are you?”

“I’ll be there in a little bit,” I say softly.

“Baby, let me…”

Hanging up the phone, I take a deep breath, push myself from the bench, and start in the direction of his house. I need this time to think. To use this time to work through my head on what needs to be said in hopes that I don't get it all jumbled.

After a little while, I see headlights heading in my direction. I’m not sure why, but my heart is telling me it is Garrett. Stopping where I am standing. The truck pulls over and stops a few feet in front of me.

The driver’s side door opens and there he is running toward me. For whatever reason, I couldn’t move. Instead, I stand there as he jogs towards me.

“Dee? Baby?” He calls before reaching me.

Once in front of me, he wraps me in his arms and I break. Sagging into his arms, he scoops me up and carries me into the truck through the driver’s door. Not releasing me, Garrett puts the car into drive and whips around in the opposite direction he is facing.

“Are you okay?” His voice cracks.

Overwhelmed by sadness and so extremely tired, I can’t do anything but cry. His hand runs up and down my back, trying to calm me down.

It was our fight that brought this all on—wasn't it? Alternatively, maybe it was from treatment you received today? I don’t know, but I feel like the world has suddenly crashed down on my head and slowly hammering it into the ground.

Before I realize it, we are pulling into his driveway. He hasn’t said another word since asking if I was okay. Wordlessly, he carries me inside the house and upstairs to his room where he sets me down on his bed.

“Dee?” Cupping my face in his hands, he lifts my head to get me to meet his eyes.

Closing my eyes, I pull away from him. On shaking legs, I climb from the bed and walk over by the door. In case I need to make a quick exit, I didn’t want him in my way of doing that.