Figure 8 (17 page)

Three weeks later

“This is going to be a little cold.” The doctor squirts the liquid onto me, and I shiver from the cool gel like substance trickling over my stomach. She presses on my stomach with her wand. A noise comes from her computer, it sounds like a train speeding past a station, you know when you’re stood on the platform and you hear the noise as it goes past you. It’s like budum budum budum, but really quickly. That’s what this sound is like.

I turn and face the monitor, there are lots of swirly lines, like a charcoal portrait and in the middle is a white blob. “That’s your baby, Miss Riley.” She points at the screen and I look at the tiny little peanut, my eyes well up and I grasp Jenny’s hand tightly.

“Oh my god, Izzy, it’s so small.” I look up at her and she has tears in her eyes too. “You’re gonna be a fantastic mum Iz.” She smiles at me. I can’t talk, I don’t want to tell her how scared I am, how alone I feel. I am so frightened that I am going to mess this up.

“From the measurements, I guess you’re about seven weeks along,” the doctor announces. It happened when everything was so perfect. My baby was made from love; I truly believe that. I believe that Damon loved me and I loved him with every fibre of my being. “You can sit up now.” She wipes the gel off my belly with a tissue and I pull my top back down. I sit up gently just in case the dizziness returns. “Would you like a picture?”

“Yes please, can you print out two please?” I look at Jenny, a confused look marring her face. “I have to tell him, Jen.”

“No you don’t, you don’t owe him anything, Iz.” I do owe him.

“I owe him my life. He brought me back to life, he made me feel whole again and yes he also broke me but he has brought me life, he has produced life inside of me. This right here.” I point at the screen. ‘This is something worth living for and I can never repay him for that.” The doctor hands me the photos and I thank her.

“What are you going to do with the picture? You’re not going to go and see him are you?” Jenny asks as we get in the car.

“I haven’t decided yet, my head is still such a mess, Jen. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where he is.” She looks at me, anger in her eyes.

“What do you mean? I hope you haven’t been trying to see him?” She turns the ignition back off and turns to face me. My eyes give me away. “Isabelle, we had discussed this. You promised you wouldn’t go to see him. He has caused you enough damage.”

“But Jen, I love him. I can’t just switch all these feelings off. I am carrying his baby for fucks sake.” I can feel myself getting defensive. I do still love him; I think I will always love him. I cry myself to sleep every night. If it wasn’t for the baby, I am not even sure I would still be here, but I don’t tell her that.

“I know you love him, Iz but he isn’t good for you. If you stayed with him it would be a constant reminder of your mom. Izzy, the man’s family killed your mother.” My heart jolts like I have been stabbed by her words. “I’m sorry Izzy, I didn’t mean to say that, I just need you to remember why you left him in the first place.” A tear springs from my eyes at her reminder of why I am alone.

“I know that Jenny. I know that I can’t be with him, but it wasn’t him that did it. Can I really blame him for the sins of his brother and his father?”

“I can’t say that I know how you’re feeling, not even in the slightest but I do know you and I do know that in the back of your head you would always blame him.”

Is she right, would I really blame him forever? It is still raw at the moment, but with each day that goes by I want to forgive him more and more. With each millimetre that my baby grows, I want him or her to have a father in their life. I am so confused.

“Let’s just go home,” I murmur, because I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. I have spent the last three weeks thinking of nothing but this. I am out of tears, I am out of emotions, I feel empty, and I just want to go and crawl into my bed and sleep, I will decide about the picture later.

The morning sun shines through the window. I turn over and rub my tummy. I don’t have a bump yet but it’s strange, I can feel my baby growing inside me. I know it’s impossible, it’s the size of a pea right now, but I know he or she is in there and I know that I love her, or him already. I get up and jump in the shower. Today is a new day. Today I have decided that I will go to Damon’s apartment, if he isn’t there then I will leave the picture under his door. It’s up to him then. I will have done the right thing. I will have told him about the baby, that’s my part done. If he wants to be involved in his child’s life then I will let him. I won’t let this baby grow up without a father. However, I don’t know if I can actually be with him. I guess only time will tell.

I let the water wash over me, revelling in the warmth. I wash away all my worries, all my stress and all my emotions. I know it is only a temporary wash because they won’t go away overnight but for now, for today, I need to be calm and strong.

I blow dry my hair, and put on a small amount of makeup. I need to show Damon that I am okay, even though I am not. I plaster on my fake mask and head out to the living room. Jenny is sat on the sofa. I inwardly cringe as I walk past her, trying not to show my lying face.

“Where are you going?” She cranes her neck over the top of the sofa to look at me. I don’t turn around, pretending to mess with my phone instead. I know she won’t approve of what I am about to do or she will at the least want to come with me. I need to do this alone.

“I am going to go and see Dad, maybe do a bit of shopping,” I lie.

“Do you want me to come with you? I have nothing on today. Jared is working.” I cringe when I hear her say Jared’s name. I shouldn’t be jealous, I should be happy that my best friend is so in love, but I am jealous. I am jealous of their perfect relationship and I am jealous of how happy she is. That was me a few short weeks ago. Now I am an empty shell again.

“No, it’s okay Jen, I need to see him alone. I want to go to the Trafford Centre afterwards and have a nosey at the baby shops.”

Lie.

“Isn’t it a bit early to be buying baby stuff?”

“I’m not going to buy.” I fake laugh. “I am going to window shop, I’m excited.”

Lie

“Okay, if you’re sure. If you change your mind, give me a ring and I will meet you.”

“I will do. Thanks babe, see you later.” I grab my coat and my bag, quickly checking that the note and picture are in there. I had written a note just in case he isn’t home.

Oh, I hope he is home.

Heading out of the door, I walk down the street and jump into a taxi.

I arrive at Damon’s apartment, pay the driver and step out into the cool autumn air. I look up at the building, my stomach fluttering like a thousand tiny butterflies just hatched inside it. The taxi pulls away and I am alone. I don’t see the Range Rover in the car park. I swallow hard.

He isn’t here.

I take the note and the picture out of my bag and shove it in the envelope that I brought just in case. I head inside, making my way past the mailboxes. I had already decided to post it under the door, just in case he isn’t collecting his mail. My heart rate quickens as I make my way to the lift. I press the button and wait. I suddenly can’t breathe. What if he is there and he tells me to leave? What if he doesn’t want to know me or the baby? I try to calm my breathing but it is becoming rapid.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

I try to calm myself down before I have a full-blown panic attack.

You can do this Isabelle, if he doesn’t want you or the baby then you will be just fine.

You.

Can.

Do.

This.

Alone.

You have Jenny and you have your dad.

You.

Can.

Do.

This.

I will myself to calm down. I hear a ding and open my eyes, a couple exit the lift looking all loved up. I sigh, that was Damon and I not so long ago. I enter the lift, press the number and lean against the mirror, holding onto the grab rails. My breathing has calmed slightly but I feel sick and lightheaded. I have been having morning sickness for a few weeks, but it is starting to die down, I am not sure if it is nerves now or if it is the morning sickness. I rub my tummy.

‘We will be just fine, even if Daddy doesn’t want us we can do this together,’ I murmur at my growing baby. I feel calmer when I speak to him/her, knowing that he or she is inside me, growing, saving me.

The day I found out I was pregnant was hard; I had spent the morning throwing up once again. I thought it was the stress.

“You sure you’re not pregnant, Izzy?” Jen said, as she was rubbing my back, holding my hair out of the way with her other hand.

“I can’t be,” I said through the retching. “I am on the pill.”

“You do know it isn’t always effective, don’t you?” I looked up at her, wiping my mouth on a piece of tissue paper. My nipples had been a little sore. I hadn’t been thinking about it much, with everything that had been going on.

“I think I might be.” I sat down on the bathroom floor, clutching my stomach.

“This can’t be happening, Jen, not now, not when everything has gone so wrong,” I sobbed.

“I’ll be right back.” She left me sitting on the bathroom floor crying, my life in tatters and getting worse every second. I thought about having a baby, a baby to a man whose family had destroyed my life; a baby with a man who I still loved but couldn’t be with. It was about twenty minutes later when I had heard the door bang. I hadn’t even realised that Jenny had disappeared. She came barrelling back into the bathroom panting with exhaustion, a pharmacy bag clutched in her hand, “Can you pee?” she had stated.

“I think so.” She opened the bag and took out the little stick. My whole life could change in a matter of minutes, just through the results on this little stick. I turned and wretched again, the thought making me feel sick.

“I will leave you for a minute,” Jen had said, leaving the bathroom. I stood up and got ready to pee on my little stick. My heart was literally in my mouth as I did it. “You done?” she stuck her head back around the door, literally a minute later.

“Yeah,” I had told her, not really feeling like talking. We made our way out of the bathroom and sat at the table. The little blue and white stick placed in front of us, upside down.

“You okay? You look pale.” I had felt nervous as hell. I didn’t know what to think. I had all sorts of stuff racing around my mind. Thoughts of Damon mostly, thoughts of how this day really should have happened. Thoughts of us together sat in his apartment, waiting for the little stick to tell us if we were going to have an addition to our family or not. But instead I was there, with Jenny, dreading the outcome.

“I am fine,” I lied. “Shall we look?” I didn’t want to look really, but I needed to know so my mind could be put to rest.

Jenny turned over the little stick, the stick that would decide my future There in little faint letters was the word PREGNANT. I closed my eyes; I didn’t know what to think. A few minutes passed, and I thought about it. This is going to save me, I had thought. This baby will be a reason to live, will give me a focus, I can nurture it and protect it, and in return it would give me the strength to fight for my life.

The ding of the lift door brings me out of my thoughts. I exit and turn towards Damon’s apartment. I take a deep breath before I knock on his door.

I wait.

It’s quiet.

I don’t hear any movement or noises from inside.

I knock again.

I wait.

Silence still.

He isn’t here.

I sigh, twirling the piece of paper around in my hands. I rub my hand along my belly before bending down and pushing it gently under the door.

I lean my head against the smooth wood and whisper, “I love you Damon.” Before standing up and turning.