Fin & Matt (7 page)

I nodded desperately.  In that moment, I had never wanted anything more.  My stomach twisted in anticipation as I studied those blue eyes.  “Yes.  God, yes.”

Matt stood quickly and jerked his own underwear off with a clumsy kick.  He carefully knelt on the bed, spreading his large frame over mine.  The way he kissed me in that moment spoke volumes; his lips were warm and soft, searching my entire face, not a single square-inch unmarked.  “I have condoms… I mean, in case you don’t.  I brought some.”

“Someone’s cocksure,” I teased, pulling him back down for a deep kiss.  When he pulled away to study my face, I placed my hands on his neck.  “Thank you… I mean, for bringing them.”

“Are you worried?” he asked, his lips trailing down the side of my neck.

“About diseases?”  I stiffened immediately.  “Do you…?”

He laughed.  “No, Fin.  I meant about your first
time
.”

“Oh.” 
God, I was an idiot.
  “Yes.  Especially because of this.”  I reached between his legs and gave a hearty squeeze to Little Matt.

“Don’t worry.”  He kissed me softly, taking his time.  “I won’t do anything that you don’t want to.”

“I know.  I trust you.”  I paused before adding, “I want you so much.”

“I love you,” he said softly.

“Mmm.”  My throat purred as I craned my neck for his skilled tongue.

“God, Fin… please say it back.”

I was nervous to give that to him. 
What if he changed his mind about us?
  About
me
?

“I
have
said it.”

His tongue teased over my Adam’s apple.  “Just once more.”

I swallowed carefully, studying the ceiling before closing my eyes.  “I love you, Matt.”

♂♂

“Okay, look at me.  Look at me, Fin,” Matt urged.

His face looked more gorgeous than ever, those blue eyes clear and bright against his flushed skin.  I carefully met his gaze as he settled his body over mine.  He cupped my face, lightly rubbing my earlobes with a sly smile.

“There he is,” he whispered, leaning in for a kiss.  “You sure you’re ready?  I kind of rushed you in here.  I should have at least given you a proper sucking.”  His mouth twitched into a full grin.

I returned the smile, readjusting his weight by placing my hands on his hips.  “I haven’t even given
you
one yet.”

“Do you want to?” he teased, twirling a piece of my hair between his fingertips.

“Yeah… I mean, I think so.  Will you tell me if it’s horrible?”

Matt laughed aloud.  “No, probably not.  You want to try anyway?”  He lowered his hand between us, giving me a few slow strokes.

I nodded, lifting my hips in response, creating a slow grind against his steely cock.  “I do.”

“Okay, have at it.”  He laughed again and rolled off of me and onto his back. 

I shifted down, wrapping a hand around him.  Squeezing gently on the base, I licked over the head with a deliberate stillness.  He was full to bursting, small drops of fluid forming at the tip.  I covered them with my lips, lapping the salty substance onto my tongue.  Matt groaned, stretching his body over the mattress as his hands gripped the sheets.

“Fuck… that’s good, Fin.”

It was a different sensation; having complete control over him in that moment.  I’d watched enough videos to pick up the basics, but having a man in my mouth – having
Matt
in my mouth – was different.  On film, it seemed easier.  Maybe they practiced a lot more or had wider jaws, but I struggled to get a few inches past the head.  I focused there, sucking it like a lollipop, watching him wince in agony.

I lifted off carefully, giving gentle twists to his shaft as we locked eyes.  He gave me a shy smile.  “You okay?” he asked.  His face looked boyish in that moment, filled with adoration as he swept the hair from my face.

“Yeah,” I whispered.  “You?  Is it good?”

He gave me a quick nod.  “It’s great, but… I don’t wanna come.  Can you stop?”

I lifted off of him long enough to watch him pull a condom from his bag along with a small tube of lubricant.  I blew out a long breath and concentrated on the small painting above the dresser.  He settled back on top of me, laying the items on the bed next to us.  The short crisp hairs on his chest tickled against my skin as he arranged himself, relieving the pressure on my hips.  “You okay?  Am I too heavy?  We can try it a different way if you want.”

“No… stay here.  I need to see you.”  I brushed my fingers across his face as his lips lowered onto mine.

“I love you.”  Matt’s voice choked on the words as he curled his hands into my hair.

“Love you, too,” I answered.

We gazed at each other for a moment, almost afraid to break the spell.  “You ready?”

“Mmm hmm.”  My lips parted as I watched him sit up and slowly roll a condom over his length.  He slicked it carefully with lubricant and descended back into place.

“If it hurts too much, I’ll stop.  Tell me, okay?  If you like it, tell me that too,” he said with a smile.

“God, hurry up already,” I teased.  “I’m going soft.”

He lowered his hand between my legs and used his slicked palm to stroke me into submission.  “Doesn’t feel like it.”  He paused for a second before continuing, “I love this.  You feel so fucking good in my hand.”

His fingers drifted lower, a single digit grazing over my opening.  He pushed inside with lubricated ease as I desperately tried to relax.  “Matt,” I whispered, immediately following with a groan.  “Please.”

He removed his finger and carefully began to advance inside of my body.  I nearly screamed aloud, opening my mouth completely to release a silent wail. 

“You’re okay, baby,” he said softly.  “Stay with me.  Look at me.”

I blew out a breath and concentrated on his kiss-swollen lips.  “Okay… okay… okay,” I answered.  “I’m okay.”

He laughed quietly.  “I’ve got you, Fin.  I’ve gotta move though.  You alright?”

I nodded as he pushed in farther, the full feeling intensified straight to off-the-charts territory.  “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I responded, panting.  The whole thing was too big.  Too much.  “Matt, I—”

“Shhh, honey.  Stop.  Relax, okay?”

“Easy for
you
to say!” I clipped.  “You’re not the one being shoved into… by
you
!”

He laughed again, slowing his advances.  “Listen.  Baby… I want you to like this.  If you don’t, I’ll stop.  You want to stop?”

I thought about it for a moment and shook my head. 
I could do this, right?
  “I’m okay.  I just needed a minute.  Go ahead.”

He continued to chuckle.  “Go
ahead
?  You act like you’re at the dentist.  Relax.”

“I don’t know what fucking dentist you go to,” I replied.

As he pushed in farther, a moan escaped my lips involuntarily. 

“Oh God,” Matt expelled.  “You’re so fucking tight.”  He lowered his lips for a brief kiss before thrusting deeper.

“Too much… too much, Matt.”  I gulped hard, gasping for air.

“Alright, you’re okay.”  He slowed his pace, rubbing his thumb over my cheek.  “Look at me.” 

He continued to rock his hips, but it was a lazy tempo; working me open with each forward movement he made.  I ground my teeth together as the pain surged through my stiff frame.  Fighting tears, I focused back on his eyes, gaining my composure.

Matt nearly stopped short, studying my face.  “Fin.  I know it’s hard, but you have to try to relax.  Otherwise, I’m going to hurt you.  Can you do that?”

I nodded.  “Can we use more lube or something?  You’re too big, I think.”

“Under normal circumstances, I’d consider that a compliment.”  He ran his hands through my hair and lowered his lips to mine.  “I don’t want to hurt you.  This is supposed to feel good for you, okay?”

“Okay,” I answered.  Matt clicked open the bottle of lubricant and pulled out of my body carefully.  Using his finger first, he nudged the tip inside of me and slowly coated my opening.  He poured a bit more on the outside of the condom and used his hand to smooth it over his engorged cock.

“Let’s try this again, okay?”  He pushed in once more, moving at a sluggish clip.  “Better?” he asked, sliding in easily.

I gave him a smile, doing my best to hold it together.  “So much better.”

Honestly, it
was
.

Within minutes, it was easier.  More enjoyable.  I closed my eyes and started to get lost in Matt’s hands moving about my body.  His lips latched onto my throat as his hips pumped steadily.

My grunts became loud, indecent, emphatic.  I wasn’t sure what was happening inside of me.  All I knew was that as he continued to fuck me, things started to unravel quickly.  I gripped his shoulders and stared into his eyes as if they would turn into something else.  His hips ground into mine as the whole picture started to develop around us. 

This
here
?  This felt amazing.  Without warning, my emotions went from I-Will-Kill-Him to I-Will-Kill-Him-If-He-Stops. 

His pace picked up as a high-pitched cry left my lips.  “I’m so sorry,” I apologized.  “I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

He shifted a bit, lifting me up off of the mattress to straddle him.  “You’re so fucking hot right now, you know that?”

I felt vulnerable, placing all of my trust into this man.  He rubbed my back gently as he kissed me, our mouths moving together in time with each thrust.  Our bodies were slick with sweat, accentuating each slap of skin-on-skin.  I writhed in his lap as a full-body tremor swept through me, my neck lolling back into surrender.  “Matt… oh, fuck.  Fuck!”

Matt readjusted, leaning his back against the headboard as my legs splayed out beside his.  He gently bent his knees a bit and lifted me up and down into a perfect rhythm.  I could feel myself coming close, honestly surprised at my own ability to release.  It felt close to the night before, a gentle, continual prod against my prostate until I was literally grunting embarrassingly. 

“Fin,” he groaned.  “Fuck.”

“I’m going to come… Matt!” I warned.

His hand reached between my legs and gripped my throbbing dick, pulling in time with my steadied movements.  Thick, rope-like strands quickly discharged onto his stomach as I shuddered uncontrollably, jerking softly in his arms.

Less than a minute later, Matt joined me, an intense symphony of exhalation heaving from his chest.  “Shit,” he mumbled.  “Fuck.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and sunk into his body, not giving a single thought to the fact that I had literally covered him with my release.  “I love you,” I whispered, gasping for air.

He pulled me into his arms tightly, squeezing my flushed body, before pulling me back for a tongue-laced kiss.  “That was incredible, right?” 

I nodded with a choked laugh.  “Yes.”  I stroked his face and kissed him softly, teasing him with a slow grind of my hips.  “I’m so glad I waited to find you.”

T
he alarm came way too soon as Matt slid his arms from my waist.  “Get up,” he mumbled.  “We’re gonna be late.”

I snuggled back against him as he surrendered, kissing my shoulder blades with his soft mouth.  “Not yet.  Five more minutes.”

“I don’t have any clothes for work.  I’ve got to go to my place.”

I turned to face him.  “Yeah?”

He hugged me tightly to his chest.  “Yeah.  Maybe I can come over after work… I mean, if you want.”

“I definitely want,” I responded, running my hand over his tight abs.  “Spend the night.  In fact… why don’t you just—”

“Fin, I told you already.”  He tossed back the covers and headed into the bathroom.  “I’m not moving in here.”

“I know it’s fast,” I called in after him.  “But things changed this weekend… didn’t they?”

I heard the toilet flush, followed by water in the sink.  When he came back out, he casually flicked the moisture off of his hands.  “Things are great, but you’re not gonna support me.  I can stay here when you want, but I can’t just move my whole life around.”

“Why not?”  I kissed his neck carefully as he pushed me back a few inches.

“Because I told you.  I’m not looking for a handout.”

“It’s not a handout, Matt.  Jesus.”

I walked into the bathroom and adjusted the temperature in the shower before stepping in.  The water was hot on my chest, running across my face as I closed my eyes tightly.  Matt’s hands wrapped around my waist, startling me for a moment.

“Honey,” he whispered.

I took his hands and uncoiled them, moving a few inches away.  “Don’t.”

He pulled me back into his firm body and began a slow torture of tongue across the back of my neck.  “Don’t
what
?” he mumbled between kisses.

I tried to be strong.  Put up a front.  Hold my ground.  Instead, I melted into him, craning my head back into the crook of his neck.  “Just… never mind.”

“Fin,” he responded, turning my body to face him.  “Please.  Say what’s in your head.  You can tell me anything.”

I covered my face with my hands, carefully soaping my skin, acting unaffected.

“Hey.  Listen to me.”

I rinsed and opened my eyes.  “What?”

“You can’t do that.  You can’t hide from me.  If you do, it’s never gonna work.”

My body froze.  Of
course
it would never work.  He was Matt DiFiore, a living god, and I was me.  Finlay MacAuliffe.  Twenty-two year old (incredibly naïve) gay, rich kid with an inferiority complex.  It pained me to think about losing him, but I had to face facts.  Matt would likely leave me when another man came along.  A better man.  A more assertive man.

“You’re gorgeous when you’re pouting,” he teased.  He took my lips in a hard, short kiss.  “The truth is, I’m wondering when you’re going to turn around and realize that I’m some broke fuck with no prospects and send my ass packing.”

I squeezed some soap into my hand and lathered his chest with it as we stared at one another.  Shaking my head, I let out a slow smile.  “Never.”

“That’s what you say
now
.”  He rinsed and turned the knobs off, handing me a towel.

“So what happens at work?”  I was afraid of the answer, yet I asked regardless.

“What do you mean?”

I ran my fingers through my tangled hair and turned to him.  “About us.  I mean, what happens?”

“Well, I don’t know that I’m ready to hold hands in the lounge yet,” he teased.  “But it’ll be fine.  I’ll still see you when I see you.  We’ll figure it out.”

I’ll see you when I see you?  We’ll figure it out?

“Sounds good.”

♂♂

“So,” Eden began, looking at Matt, “what’d you do this weekend?”

He took a bite of his apple and glanced at me.  “Nothing much.  You?”

I thought back to the two-and-a-half days we’d just spent together.  Talking, kissing, eating, watching movies, sucking, fucking, rethinking
everything
…

“’80s night at some dive bar downtown.  It was pretty fun though.  What about you, Fin?”

I shook my head.  “Nothing,” I whispered, repeating Matt’s earlier word. 

Nothing.

“Oh, Matt,” she said, smacking her hands on the table.  “I have a girl for you.  She’s in my spin class.  If I went the Sapphic route, I’d totally fuck her.  You want her number?”

He stood and smiled, placing the apple between his teeth as he zipped up his sweatshirt.  “Nope,” he mumbled.  “Not interested.”

“That’s ‘cause you haven’t seen her.”

Matt glanced over at me with a sly wink.  “I don’t need to see her.  I’ll see you guys later, alright?”

I followed that walk all the way to the door.  That perfect body was all
mine
.

She stared at me for a moment too long.  “What do you suppose that was all about?”

I looked up at her.  “What do you mean?”

She shrugged her shoulders.  “He doesn’t have a girlfriend.  I checked around.  Think he plays for
your
team?” she asked, nudging me with her elbow.  “Maybe he has a boyfriend.”

If only she knew.

I stood, carefully trying to compose myself. 

Matt DiFiore was my boyfriend.  My first
boyfriend
.

♂♂

I sat at the piano, letting my fingers absorb the pressure of the day.  Matt and I had remained invisible for the most part, but I couldn’t help but feel anxiety flush through my body every time we had seen each other.  Every subtle touch, every word from his lips, every smile that he gave me was pure torture.

His lips on the back of my neck announced his arrival as I fumbled the piece.  “What are you doing?” I whispered.

He leaned close and spoke softly into my ear.  “Saying hello.  I missed you today.”  The understated scent of my cologne wafted off of his neck as I breathed him in.

“Matt,” I responded, standing with the hope of getting distance.  “You can’t do that.  We’re at work.”

“I locked the door,” he returned.  He moved closer, brushing his body against mine.  “Everyone’s gone home anyway.”

“You should go.”  I ran my hand nervously through my hair as I backed away once more.

“Can I come over?”  He reached for my hand, rubbing his thumb over mine.

“I need to go see my dad.”  I let him hold my hand for a few seconds, but my eyes never left the closed door.

“Right now?” he asked.  He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. 

I swallowed thickly and cleared my throat.  “Yeah.  I’ve got some stuff to tell him.”

“Did I do something wrong?  You’re being – I don’t know – distant.”

I turned my head away from the door and met his gaze.  “You’re the one who said you didn’t want to hold hands in the lounge… you didn’t want anyone to know about us, so what happened?  Why are you all of the sudden wanting to kiss me?  We could be reprimanded,” I reminded him.

“I thought you said Gallo knew.”

“Yeah,” I barked.  “Gallo knows about
me
.  He doesn’t know about
us
.”

“So let’s tell him,” he whispered, brushing his lips to my neck.

I backed up a few inches, pushing on his chest.  “You want to tell him?  Why?  I need this job.”

“Do you?” he asked.  “Fin, you don’t even need to work.”

“Yes, I do, Matt.  I didn’t go to fucking college so that I could live off of my trust fund.”  I collected my bag and headed toward the door.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he called.  “Please, Fin.  Stop.”

“What?” I said, turning toward him.

“I don’t want to fight with you,” he whispered.  “Ever.”

“Fighting’s inevitable,” I responded.  “I like fighting.”  An involuntary smile spread across my lips.

“You’re good at it.”  He moved close and cupped both hands to the sides of my neck, leaning in to press his lips to mine.  “But right now, I just want to go to your apartment and make up.”

I rolled my eyes.  “A five-second disagreement doesn’t call for makeup sex.  Besides,” I kept my voice low, “I’m too sore.”

He kissed a trail over my neck, stopping just below my ear.  “I could kiss it and make it better.”

My body tingled with the promise, shuddering at his words.  “My dad, remember?” I reminded.

“Can I see you after?”

“Matt… maybe we should take a night off.” 
I didn’t want a night off.
  I didn’t want to be without him for one second.

He smiled and backed away for a second, lazily moving the zipper of his sweatshirt up and down.  “I don’t think so.  You can’t get rid of me that soon.  Text me when you’re on your way home.  I’ll meet you there.”

My mouth opened in protest, but no words came out.  I simply nodded my head as he turned for the door. 

“Oh, and Fin?”  He turned back for a moment and put the hood up, his blue eyes peeking out.

“Hmm?”

“I thought about you all day.”

♂♂

“Finlay,” my dad nearly shouted.  “To what do we owe this pleasure?”

“Can I talk to you?”

He turned off the television and stood, gesturing to his office.  Once seated behind his desk, he tipped back in the chair with a smile.  “Got something on your mind?”

His diminishing Irish accent was barely noticeable anymore, but showed itself from time to time.  It was there in that moment, searching me for candor. 

“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted.

“About?”  He fiddled with one of the handles of his desk, his eyes never leaving mine.  “Matt?”

I nodded.  “I love him, Dad.  Is that possible?  To love someone after such a short period of time?  I’m afraid I’m going to push him away.”

“Does he seem nervous about the whole thing?”

“That’s the thing,” I admitted.  “He doesn’t.  I’m pushing
him
away, I think.  I’m afraid if I don’t, he’ll leave me.”

He smiled gently, absently twirling a pen in his fingers.  “Has he given you any reason to think that?”

“No,” I said in defeat.  “He hasn’t done anything.  He says he loves me too.  He said it first, actually.”

He let out a short laugh.  “So what are you doing here, Finny?”

“I’ve never been in love before.  I’m fucking petrified.  I needed some advice.  I needed the river or something.”

“The answers aren’t down at that river, boy.  They’re with that man.”  The accent was back, luring me into the past to the father who sang “I See the Moon” to me in Gaelic.  “Do you trust him?”

I ducked my head, my chin resting against my chest.  “Yes, which is probably why I’m fucked.”

“Look at me.”

I lifted my head to meet his eyes as he leaned into the desk, hands splayed close to the edge.  “What?” I mumbled.

“When he was here, he couldn’t take his eyes off of you.  He looks at you the same way I looked at your mum.  She was the flightiest woman I’d ever met, but I wanted her like I’d never wanted anything else in the world.  Do you feel that way about your Matthew?”

I could feel the tears welling behind my lids.  Looking down again, I gave him a short nod.  “He wants to tell Gallo.”

“Your boss?”  He sat up straight in his chair.  “Do you see that going well, Finlay?”

I shrugged.  “I don’t know.  He knows about me.”

“Not everyone is as understanding as your mum and me, you know.  You may think you know this Gallo, but you wouldn’t want to lose your new job over your private life, would you?  Not to mention Matt’s.  From what you told us, he needs the money.”

“I told him it was a bad idea.”

“I never said it was a bad idea.  I just said that not everyone understands this lifestyle.”  He blew out a long breath.  “I apologize, son.  I know it’s not a
lifestyle
.  That was the wrong word, so I hope you’ll forgive me.  What I mean is that people can be cruel.”

I thought back to every slur I’d ever heard and shuddered visibly. 

Faggot.  Fairy. Queer.  Gay boy.

“I know,” I whispered.  “I wish things were different.”

“They will be.  Give people time.  You’re an amazing man.  You aren’t defined by your sexuality, you know.”

“To them, I
am
.  They find out I’m gay and everything changes.”

He scratched his silver hair thoughtfully.  “Have you been mistreated at work?”

I shook my head.  “No, I just mean that the male teachers there are standoffish with me.  I mean, not with Matt, but that’s because no one knows about him.”

“No one
knows
about him?” he repeated.