Finding Alana (9 page)

Will I let him steal this, too?
As that realization dawns on me, I reach for Justin, and grab a handful of his jacket. I pull him to me, and he obliges by placing both knees fully on the ground where he’s been slightly kneeling. As he moves closer, I let go of his jacket and slide my hands around his shoulders and hold him to me. I squeeze him and crack wide open. Relief, heartache, memories, who I was, who I am, and who I will be collide in my shattered heart.

Justin doesn’t say anything else, he just holds me until the sun begins to set and the tears subside. I’m not even sure I’m done crying, but I’m out of tears. My breathing is hitching, and I’m hiccupping as I try to find a way to settle down. In this one week, I have re-lived the worst moment of my life too many times. More than I have in the last five years.

Together, we stand to head back to the cabin. Justin wraps me in his arms, and I lean on him to try and make the walk back. My body feels like it’s been through a hurricane, a tornado, or hit by a truck. Every step is a chore.

When we reach the cabin, I sit numbly on the couch and Justin starts a fire. He pours us both a drink from the family stash in the kitchen and comes to sit with me. Robotically, I take a long drink. It burns and tingles in my arms all the way to my fingers. I take another drink and the tingles move into my feet. When the alcohol has the desired effect by calming me, I start asking questions.

“Is this what you were researching when you went off the grid?”

“Yes. Sort of. I was doing a background check on Kent.”

“Why did you tell me? You could have kept it to yourself. I wouldn’t have ever known.”

“You asked me why I’m not a cop anymore. It’s one of the biggest contributing factors,” he answers. “You wouldn’t have known it was me if I didn’t tell you, but I would know.”

“Why would what happened to me make you quit?”

He sighs deeply and says, “Because I couldn’t help you. Because what happened to you was very close to how I lost my mom. It was something I’d never fully dealt with, and here it was happening to someone else. Being a cop was supposed to allow me to help people, and I failed.”

“But you did help me. I wouldn’t be here right now if you hadn’t gotten me to the hospital. Did you forget that part?”

“I know. But I couldn’t find and punish the man that did that to you. I did investigations on my own. I went out, and visited every trailer and house in the area of where I picked you up. No one could identify a missing woman with brown hair. There was one guy I thought was suspicious, but when I ran his record, there was nothing out of line. I hit a wall. No leads. Nothing. I failed.”

I shake my head. “You met Kent.”

“I did, and he was as you said. Charming. Charismatic. A smooth talker. It made me even more suspicious of him. “Can I ask you something else?”

I nod.

“How did you disappear?”

His question takes me by surprise. It’s another part of my life I haven’t told anyone. This one I’ve never even told Irma. She never asked, and I wasn’t keen on sharing. I take a few minutes to drum up those memories. That time when I wasn’t who I am comes flooding back with all of the fear of surviving.

“When I woke up after surgery, I realized where I was and that the hospital was still too close to Kent. As my head cleared from the anesthesia, I started to freak. I started to think that at any moment, Kent would show up and claim me. The nurse tending to me was kind. She kept asking my name, but I wouldn’t tell her. I think I was in shock. It wasn’t that I couldn’t speak, I didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. The humiliation of the whole ordeal still haunts me, but I’ve learned to cope with it.”

“That afternoon, when the nurse finished changing my IV bag, I decided I needed to disappear. As I figured, I had two choices: one would be to recover in the hospital, go through an investigation with the police, and go through some ugly domestic violence case if they could help. My other option was to die. I decided to let Kent think I had.

“On one of her visits to check vitals, the nurse told me the new nurse for the next shift would be around to meet me in a few minutes. People are sloppy during shift changes, in all professions. I took advantage of the opportunity to slip out. It took every ounce of strength I had to pull myself out of the bed without falling.”

He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me close to his side. I heave a deep breath. The weight of recalling those moments is almost unbearable.

“Eventually, I felt steady enough to walk out into the hallway. Everyone was busy with phones, carts, and buzzing around in and out of the other rooms. I continued down the hall to a room marked staff. Inside that room, I found a drawer that had extra scrubs for the nurses. They weren’t my size, but they weren’t too terribly big. When I was dressed, I went to the elevator at the end of the hallway and left.”

“In the back of the building, there was a convenient store near the parking lot. There, I found a truck driver who was making a snack cake delivery. When he came out, I was standing next to a car, and I sold him a sob story about my car being broken down. He had mercy on me and drove me to his next stop, which was in a town where I had convinced him I had family. From that town, I found a ride with another delivery driver, and so on. One after another they helped me, until I found Jayne. She was a clerk at the convenient store in Bell Hills. She didn’t buy my broken down car story. Her powers of observation noted that my scrubs were from the hospital one hundred miles away.”

Justin rubs my arms rhythmically to soothe me as I continue.

“I cried. Exhaustion had gotten the best of me, and the pain from the gunshot and surgery was building. I told her I left the hospital without being released. That I had surgery and needed a place to rest for the night and to change the dressing on my wound. She didn’t ask any questions. She had me rest in the back office until her shift was over.

“When we left the store, she took me for some dinner and then to a shelter. There I met Lisa, who ran a shelter for abused and homeless women. Again, there were no questions. I would come to learn that Lisa had helped Jayne out of a bad time. Lisa gave me a place to live, and acted as a counselor as I recuperated. The town doctor came to the shelter to check on my recovery as well as the other women’s medical needs. Eventually, she helped me by giving me a job in the shelter. Over time, as I got back on my feet, I was able to get a job outside of the shelter.”

“Jayne, Lisa, and I spent a lot of time together that first year. Lisa introduced me to a friend of hers who could provide me a new identity. She knew I couldn’t go back to Kent, and I didn’t stand a chance of proving anything. Well, that’s what we were both convinced of, anyway. We worked together to color my hair and come up with a story about who I am. Stan, her friend, did all the paperwork and pictures. A few weeks later, I became Alana. I’ve been her ever since.”

After a few minutes of processing, he says, “What happened to your son?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve taken comfort all this time in that Kent was crazy in love with him. Ethan is his legacy, and I don’t think he would ever lay a hand on him. Kent hated me, so I think with me out of the way, he might be happier. I know how crazy that sounds. Like I was a catalyst for his insanity.”

He agrees, “You can’t blame yourself. No one deserves to be treated that way, ever.”

Still drinking whatever Justin poured for us, I feel even calmer and like the panic is dissipating. Standing, I walk to the windows at the back of the cabin. They overlook a large expanse of land. I was never good at estimating acres or anything like that, so I can’t wrap my mind around how much land I’m looking at. In the sky, the stars are like spotlights. Bright and beautiful, it’s as if they have each been assigned a tree of their own. There are even some stars that cover the small pond. For a cold night, the sky is ridiculously clear. It’s like watching HDTV through a window. Only, it’s real. I use my observations of my surroundings a way to center my thoughts and ground myself.

Justin is cautious as he approaches me, sliding his arms around my waist from behind. I relax into him and we take in the scenery together. After a long silence between us, he whispers in my ear, “That’s enough for tonight. It’s late. We’ll stay here instead of heading back. How are you feeling?”

I turn in his arms, look up into his eyes, and pull back from his embrace. I have to do this now, and I need a little space between us. “I need to tell you something else. I didn’t want to tell you, but…”

“You can tell me anything. What is it?” he asks, concerned.

“This week when I left work sick, I wasn’t sick.”

He looks puzzled. “Okay. Go on.”

I sigh, “I was taking lunch alone to get my head together about us. When I heard an unmistakable voice. It was so clear to me who it was. I locked up right there on the sidewalk. Eventually, I looked around the corner, and it was Kent. He was downtown at one of the buildings near mine. I had a panic attack and ran home.”

His ears start to turn red.
That must be his tell.
When he formulates a thought, it isn’t what I expect. “It’s okay. You did good to go home and take yourself out of the situation and harm’s way. Don’t worry about. I’ll take care of it.”

“Please don’t do anything. He didn’t see me. He can’t be looking for me.”

He nods, “Okay. Why don’t you go get a bath, and I’ll see what’s in the cabinets for dinner. I can’t promise high-end cuisine, but we won’t go hungry.”

I relax as I step back towards him, and he wraps his arms around me. I slip my arms around his neck, raising on tiptoes to kiss him. “Thank you.”



In the bathroom, I dig around and find everything I need. It would seem there is at least one woman in Cameron’s family. She keeps some pretty good bath salts, hair products, and plush towels. I also find a nice thick robe. I start the water to let it warm up and then add some bath salts after I put the stopper down.

Undressing, I stare at myself in the mirror. I’m a stranger. It’s like I’m seeing my face for the first time since that night. Turning from side to side, I check myself over from head to toe. My hand involuntarily covers my scar. It’s the one thing about that night I can’t get rid of, or keep hidden. It will always remind me. No matter what it tells me about myself, I know one thing to be true: I survived.

Sliding into the hot bath, I realize I’ve run it way too hot. My skin pinks on contact. The sting is what I need to feel alive and relax my overly tense muscles. Tonight has been plain exhausting. I sink all the way down and let the water cover as much of my skin as possible. When the water starts to cool, I sit up and hug my knees to my chest. Justin knocks on the door.

“Come in,” I call.

Slowly, Justin opens the door, and asks, “Is this okay?”

I nod and he enters the bathroom. He takes a seat on the edge of the tub and strokes my frizzy, humid-laden hair from my face.

“Want to hold me a few minutes?” I ask.

“Yeah, I do. I need to hold you,” he says with a hint of genuine desperation in his voice. A quality I’ve not heard in him before.

I scooch forward in the tub until my knees are against the side with the faucet. While he undresses, I let some of the cooling water out so that I can run more hot water for us to share. He sits behind me, placing his legs on either side of me. Once he’s settled, I slide back until my back is against his front. I lay my head back on his shoulder. It only takes a split second for his arms to wrap me in a firm embrace, holding me to him. We indulge in our intimacy without a word. He rubs my arms, and I run my hands over his legs. He kisses the top of my head, and I take comfort in him. More than anything, we hold on to each other. He makes everything better.



The dinner Justin managed to put together for us was frozen chicken nuggets that he cooked in the oven and a bucket of macaroni and cheese that could feed a small army of kindergarteners. We eat our fill, dressed in bathrobes in front of the fireplace.

“Quite frankly, sir, that might be the best mac and cheese I’ve ever eaten,” I say.

His glorious smile is back. “You only think that because you’re starving to death.”

“I’m not. Not anymore. I ate the world’s most magical mac and cheese, so I’m good now.”

He laughs. “World’s most magical? That’s a new one.”

“Yep. It’s a new level of awesome. What do we do now? I think it’s probably too late to make the drive back and still make the roller derby bout.”

He reaches over to dab some cheese off the corner of my mouth. “How about we start by finishing dinner and going to bed. Tomorrow will have its own share of trouble, and tonight, I need to hold you and sleep. It feels like I’ve been hit by a truck, and I’m sure you aren’t feeling too great.”

He’s right, of course, so we do exactly as he suggested. We finish eating, wash the dishes, and lock up the cabin. He removes my robe and tucks me into bed as if I’m precious to him. He climbs into bed behind me and wraps himself around me in a spoon fashion. I’ve never felt this content and safe in all of my life. The feeling is overwhelming. Eventually, I’m able to fall asleep and enjoy the warmth and stability Justin provides.

              The morning sun rises through the window by the bed. I’m too hot and almost sweating from the heat radiating from Justin’s body. He’s like a space heater or electric blanket in the bed with me. I squirm to get free from his hold, but it’s useless. I try to pull away, and he grumbles as he squeezes me tighter. As I lay awake, staring at the beautiful scenery from the bedroom window, our conversation plays over and over in my mind.

              Justin is the man who rescued me. All those nights remembering my escape, I couldn’t remember his face. It has haunted me that a stranger saved me. A mixture of emotions swirl through my mind, among them gratitude, fear, and anxiety. When I think of that night, the outstanding memory of that man is safety. He made me feel safe. This is why I felt like I knew him when we met. I do know him. I’ve known him for a long time. I was unaware of that fact until last night. I sigh.

              “What are you thinking about?” A deep, scratchy morning voice rumbles in my ear.

              I shrug. “Everything.”

              Justin kisses the back of my head. “I know. Me too.”

              “When I told you my story, about how I died and started over, is that why you freaked out? You knew when I told you that I was the woman you saved that night?”

              I can feel him nod. “I suspected. There were so many similarities. What I didn’t tell you was that, when I left the force, I kept looking. Your face was unrecognizable from the bruising and swelling. So I was looking for a needle in a haystack. Looking for someone with brown hair, but beyond your build and hair, I had nothing to go on. It was killing me. How strange that we would stumble across each other the way we did. That is strange, right?”

              I think over this for a while, then ask, “Why did you keep looking?”

              He pulls away from me and, placing a hand on my shoulder, turns me to face him. “Don’t you see? I told you about my mother. I helped save you that night, but the likelihood was that you would go back to him. So many women go back over and over again until their abuser kills them. I’ve seen it. I knew there was more to saving you than taking you to the hospital.”

              “You didn’t even know me. You don’t know me now.”

              “That’s not the point. After my mother was killed, I became a police officer so I could bring men like my stepfather to justice. I wanted to bury whoever did that to you or anyone else. When I didn’t get assigned to the case, I became so obsessed I couldn’t work any other case. It was all bullshit and didn’t matter. Not to me, anyway. That’s when I was brought into the captain’s office and given corrective actions for not doing my job. I knew then that my passions for being a police officer, in general, were gone. Losing sight of what I had always wanted changed me. You changed me. I promise I’m not a stalker, but you brought me to Memphis. I had no idea it was you, but it
was
you. I had to broaden my search.”

              “When we met in the office, did you know it was me?”

              “No. Five years of looking with no clues, I had basically given up. I knew you hadn’t died, and that gave me comfort. But I had given up hope of ever finding you. It crushed me to admit defeat.”

              His answers satisfied a deep confusion I’ve been harboring since he told me his side of the story yesterday. I just want to bask in the safety and warmth in his arms, something I’ve discovered that I need. Scooting closer to him, I snuggle in to his chest, burrowing us deeper into the blankets. He tightens his hold on me in response, and I feel him let go of a breath he’s been holding. I’m sure he’s as scared as I am about this honesty between us.

“Why did you decide to trust me?” he asks quietly.

I shrug.

“Not good enough. Why?”

Considering what to say, I take a few minutes to answer. “Irma told me to try trusting someone.”

His response is as delayed as my own. “Okay. Who’s Irma?”

I smile into his chest and proceed to tell him all about my unofficial, adopted grandmother, including all of her mysterious talents. “Sounds crazy, huh?”

“That doesn’t sound crazy. Every family has some friend or family member who sees things, don’t they? In fact, it’s kind of odd not to have someone like that around, especially in the South.”

Turning my head to make eye contact with him, I reach up and feel his forehead. “You feeling okay? Sick? Fever?”

His laughter is deep and genuine. “That’s not fair. You are the one who takes advice from her. You know it’s not crazy.”

I roll to my back and stare at the ceiling. “I owe Irma so much, taking her advice is the least I can do. She hasn’t been wrong yet.”

“I’d like to meet her.”

“We can do that some time, I think. For now, we need to get moving if we’re going to make it home this afternoon. I have a ton of stuff to do to prepare for work this week.”

“Do you think we need to go right now?” he asks timidly.

I look at him. “Kind of. Why? Did you have something else we need to do here?”

His face shifts and I know exactly what he has in mind. I don’t object to spending a little while longer at the cabin with him.



Dusk is a nice purplish gray as we pull into my driveway. It won’t be long until full darkness. Kate’s car isn’t here. I idly think she must be at the grocery store or out running errands. When we approach the door, I notice it’s slightly open.

Before I can say anything, Justin is nudging me aside and whispering for me to wait by the car. It takes all I have in me to do as he says. I trust that he knows what to do.

Worry makes me sick as I watch him enter the house. After a few minutes, he steps to the door and motions for me to come up the stairs. I meet him at the door, and he escorts me in.

“Is anything missing?”

I’m standing in full shock as I look around our house. It’s been destroyed. Tears prick my eyes as I think of Kate. When I can make my feet move, I go straight for her room. She’s not there. Justin is with me and asking again if anything is missing. I shake my head. He asks me if I think this is random. I shake my head again. Distantly, I’m aware of him calling the police to report the break in. My knees give out and I take an ungraceful seat on the floor in the middle of the living room.

Justin brings me back to the situation at hand by asking me to call Kate. I just stare at him. “Baby, you have to pull it together. Where’s Kate? Can you call her?”

I nod. “Yeah. Hand me my phone.”

He rummages through my purse and brings me my phone. I call Kate. It rings through to voicemail. I try again. I try many times before Justin says, “She’s not answering. Would she be somewhere else? Do you know any other way of finding her?”

Slowly the fog clears and all I can say is, “The Ladies.” Justin gives me an incredulous look before turning away to pace. Coughing, I clear my throat, and repeat, “The Ladies!”

Justin comes in and kneels beside me, pushing my hair from my face and wiping the tears off my cheeks. “Alana, you’re not making sense. Who are The Ladies?”

I smile, and repeat myself again, “The Ladies! They’re her roller derby team. That’s it! We have to go find them. I know where to look. It’s Sunday. Post-bout lunch and drinks! We have to go to the bar.”

Still looking doubtful, Justin follows me to the car and drives me to the bar. Kate’s car is in the parking lot. “She’s here!” I shout as he parks. No sooner than we’ve stopped, I’m running into the building and Justin is trailing right behind me.

The first person I recognize is her team captain, Courtney. “Courtney! Where’s Kate?”

Courtney looks surprised to see me, no doubt because we hardly know each other, but she answers, “She went home with some guy last night she’s not here.”

“But,” I start to argue. “Her car is in the parking lot.”

“Oh, yeah, my car broke down yesterday, and when she left the bout last night, she gave me her keys so I could get home.”

“What? Why would she do that? Even when she’s into a guy, she doesn’t do that.”

“Yeah, I said the same thing. She said that the guy she was leaving with is a coworker. To be honest, she didn’t look that thrilled, but he was all over her. He was really into her.”

I turn to look at Justin. He’s still confused about what’s going on, so I catch him up by way of introductions. “I’m sorry. I suck. Courtney, this is Justin, a friend of mine. Justin, this is Courtney. She’s Kate’s roller derby team captain. Her team is called The Derbytaints, or The Ladies for short.”

He releases a breath as things start to click into place. “Nice to meet you Courtney. When was the last time you saw Kate?”

She thinks for a minute. “Probably nine or nine-thirty last night.”

“Thank you. I’m going to take Alana home to wait for her.”

I really don’t like being told what to do, but under the circumstances, I have no choice go along with it. Kate is a sexually free spirit. It really isn’t unusual for her to go home with a guy. Still, I don’t like it. I wave goodbye to the girls, and we leave. Outside, Justin asks me if I know this coworker of hers.

“I don’t. She’s been having problems with a guy in the office. Sexual harassment. She’s spoken to HR, but nothing’s been done. She’s creeped out hard. Really, it’s scary shit. He’s escalated from verbal attacks to actually putting his hands on her. You…don’t think…he wouldn’t,” I trail off.

The look on his face must be one he reserves for authoritative situations. “I do think he would. I’ve seen crazier things.”

“What do we do?” I ask as the panic rises up again.

“Let me make a phone call.”

He apparently still has some law enforcement contacts. I’m thankful. Whoever he calls asks for Kate’s description, timelines, and some other details of the condition of the house. After Justin hangs up, he says, “Now we wait.”

“Wait for what?” I ask, stress filling me.

“Wait for her to be found.” His calm is disturbing. He reaches out and holds my hand, pulling me closer to him in the front seat of the car.

After a few minutes that felt like an eternity, Justin’s phone rings. He answers, all business. It’s Cameron. He’s got Kate. Justin gives nothing away as he talks to Cam. There’s a lot of very stern, “uh huh”, “right”, and “okay.” Only hearing one side of a phone conversation is nerve-wracking. Finally, he hangs up and catches me up on the information discussed on the call, and we’re going to meet up with them now.

Justin is stoic as he drives. I’m begging for details and to know she’s all right, but he won’t answer me. He just drives. I’m too wound up to pay attention to where we’re going until we’re there. The hospital.

“She’s hurt,” I say softly.

“She’s hurt,” he answers an equally gentle tone.

“How?”

“Cameron didn’t say. She was admitted last night and has a private room. Do you want to see her?”

I nod as I wipe tears from my face.

Justin comes around to my door, opens it, and guides me out of the car as he offers the solid support of his body. His arm around my shoulders, we walk through the parking lot. As we get closer to the doors, I decide Kate doesn’t need to see me falling apart. I need to pull myself together for her, so I step away from Justin.

I straighten my top and jacket, then smooth my hair and face. “Give me a minute.”

He must understand because he doesn’t argue about letting me walk in on my own, slightly behind him.

We head to the fifth floor of the hospital, and it doesn’t take us long to find her room where Cameron is pacing outside in the hallway. Justin shakes Cam’s hand and then yanks him into a tight hug while I peer into her room. She’s awake! Justin notices. “Go on inside. We’ll wait here.”

“You sure? You could come in with me.”

“She needs you right now. I’ll be here. Promise.”

Kate starts crying the moment I go into the room and close the door. It would seem she’s been holding it together for Cameron. I try to be gentle as I hug her. She’s bruised all over her face. I can’t touch her anywhere that doesn’t hurt.

“God, Kate! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

“I think I will be,” she answers coldly.

“What happened?”

She’s overcome with emotion and I have to wait for it to pass before she answers me. I just hold her hand and try to be comforting. I think I’m failing miserably because she can hardly catch her breath. Finally, she tells me the guy that’s been harassing her at work showed up the derby bout.

“I was assigned to work the merchandise sales table last night during the junior bout,” she begins. “While I was folding some new T-shirts, he came up behind me and grabbed my ass. I jumped and turned around. When I saw who it was, I started to back away from him. Quick son-of-a-bitch made another grab for me and pulled me closer to him. Then he whispered in my ear, ‘I will make a scene in front of everyone here. I know you talked to HR again. You’re coming with me, right now.’ He jammed something into my back that felt hard. He assured me it was what I thought it was. I thought it was a gun, but I didn’t want him to lose it in there with those kids and all the people I love. So I did what he said. I called a girl over to cover the table for me real quick. She did, and I walked out with him.”