Finding Dell (5 page)

When Professor Morrow dismissed class, I folded the syllabus and tucked it into my bag next to the papers from Levi’s morning lab. I pushed up from my desk and followed Bernie down the hall.

“Bernie?” I called. I cringed at the hesitation in my voice.

She cocked her neck and waited for me at the door, her hand resting on the handle.

“Dell Hewitt,” I said, pointing to my chest. “We live in Paso Fino together.”

“I know who you are,” she said as she pushed the door open.

“Oh, uh, sorry,” I stammered. “Are you walking back to Wild Mare Point?”

She nodded and lifted her long hair off her neck. She looked ethereal despite the choking humidity that hung in the air like a thick fog. I walked quickly to keep up with her long-legged pace and felt a layer of sweat forming on my forehead and upper lip.

“I’m glad to know someone in that class. Some people there today won’t make it to the end of the course. Professor Morrow is on my list of top three most underestimated teachers.”

Bernie glanced at me out of the corner of her eye.

“What is that?” she asked.

“What?”

“What is that top three list thing you’re doing?”

“Just a habit I have. I make lists in my head for just about everything.”

Bernie and I waited for a car to slow to a stop in front of the crosswalk and we strolled across the hot pavement into Wild Mare Woods. The wind died to a breeze in the woods, and although the humidity stuck to our skin, there was a damp coolness in the forest.

“Why do you do it?”

I hesitated. “I guess it helps me structure my thoughts.”

“What’s your chaos?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your mind must be processing something chaotic for you to categorize your thoughts so compulsively. It’s so rigid. You’re trying to bring order where there is none.”

“We only just met,” I said, sticking out my chin defiantly. “You can’t psychoanalyze me or whatever it is that you’re doing.”

“You may have just introduced yourself to me, but I know you. I’m sensitive to auras and yours is a muddy green with a brown overlay. You’re out of balance. But that’s not your real color. I bet you’re a shade of orange when you’re happy,” she said. “My aura is lavender.”

We walked across the faded planks of a small wooden bridge in the woods, below which the creek would flow if it hadn’t dried to a trickle in the heat of summer. Our feet slapped the boards in sync and I wondered if I should dismiss Bernie’s comments as New Age ramblings or if I should take them to heart. Inside I felt ravaged by doubt.

“How do I get my aura back?” I asked quietly, hoping no one walking past would hear.

“Go to the source of your internal chaos.”

“There have been some . . . misunderstandings with my boyfriend lately,” I admitted. “But once I see him I’m sure I can work it out. One of my friends is having a party next weekend and he might be there. You should come.”

We stepped out of the woods and the wind and sun hit me again. Just past the sign announcing the entrance to Wild Mare Point, Bernie turned to the left to walk to Georgian Grande.

“I’m not really into the party scene. It rattles my energy. But I’ll look for your aura next week, and if it hasn’t returned to its normal color, let’s figure out how to get it back.”

A strong wind blew in and tossed Bernie a few steps backward. She laughed and threw out her arms, tossing herself into a twirl.

“We have synergy, Dell Hewitt,” she called in a dreamy voice as she walked away. “Together, we’ll make something greater than the individual!”

CHAPTER 5

WE ENTERED THE
party through the doors of Hell.

Heaven was upstairs, but I didn’t know the girls who lived in that apartment, so Natalie and I stayed in Hell. The party hosts had dressed in angel wings and sequined devil horns, but no one else had dressed for the afterlife.

Natalie and I found Dean in a far corner near the beer pong table. He pulled me into a one-armed hug and ruffled my hair with his hand.

“How are you holding up?” he asked.

Natalie stepped between us. “She’s here to have a good time. So let’s not talk about bad memories from last week, okay?”

She stared at Dean with dark, confrontational eyes. Dean raised his eyebrows and shifted uncomfortably.

“Already, I need a menthol,” Natalie said as she turned away. She only smoked when she drank, but she was ashamed to admit it and I was the only person who knew her secret habit. “I need to find Jesse.”

“Have you texted him? Is he here?”

She took a long chug from her beer. “If he’s not, I’ll find someone else. There’s no shortage of guys here, and all I need is one for the night. I shouldn’t have a problem with that.”

Her voice was haughty, but I wondered if her arrogance was masking her vulnerability as she waited for Jesse to show up and choose her for the night.

“So I won’t be sleeping in our room tonight, but don’t take that to mean you should invite any old loser back, just because you’re feeling sorry for yourself about Will.”

Natalie puckered her shiny lips into a pout and mimed that she was going outside for a smoke.

As she stepped away and left me standing alone, I watched her weave through the crowd. Since Dean’s party, she’d been more than unsupportive—she was downright mean. Outside of class, I spent most of the week in bed. When Natalie returned to our room, she didn’t offer to talk to me about it. Instead, she flicked on the lights, opened the curtains, and turned on the TV as she ignored me. By the middle of the week, her silence turned into rude one-liners about how pathetic I was being. She only eased up when I agreed to go to the party with her.

Next to me, the game ended in an eruption of hollers and spilled beer. The commotion brought me back to the moment. Alex handed a ping pong ball to Dean and moved toward me.

“Dell! Hey!” he said loudly over the din of music and shouts.

The party was loud, dark, and too crowded. He took a step closer and I could smell his mall-bought cologne.

“I thought of you earlier today,” I said coyly, feeling uncharacteristically bold as I tried to block out the memory of Will.

“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow.

“I was in bed listening to The City Skies. I thought of you.” I rested my hand on the soft blue cotton of his shirt and toyed with the buttons. “How amazing was that concert?”

“I’m sorry, but I got distracted when you mentioned your bed,” he whispered, his fingers reaching for me and crawling under my top.

I felt the blood rush to my head and I knew I would sleep with him that night. It was the only way I could distract myself from the heartache swimming in my chest. As Alex’s fingers played with the hem of my top, a girl in angel wings brushed past us, pushing me closer to him. I inhaled his cologne deeply and bit my lip playfully as we held our gaze.

“You want to get out of Hell?”

The Heaven and Hell party had barely started before Alex and I were back at Paso Fino.

Levi sat at the head of the table in the hallway, his authority punctuated by his mohawk, and Helen sat with him.

As Alex and I approached, Helen called out a greeting. She was the type of girl who would get offended if someone said they couldn’t hear her accent, so she laid it on so comically thick it was almost overkill.

“It’s rare to see you around at this time of the night, Dell,” she said.

I grimaced in response to her naïve smile. It was clear I had brought someone back to my room with me and I didn’t want to call more attention to it.

“You must be Will,” she said, turning to Alex.

A tiny, surprised gasp escaped my lips and I felt my cheeks heat up to a burning red.

“Not exactly,” he said. “Alex Connor.”

He leaned forward to shake hands around the table, but it was Helen’s turn to be embarrassed. She clutched a tiny hand to her chest, displaying her undeveloped fingers; she was born without a functioning pinky and took great pains to conceal it.
It didn’t fit her Southern Belle image to have anything but dainty, perfect features.

“Well, now, just look at me. Letting my mouth overload my tail.”

Alex, Levi, and I exchanged glances and Helen grinned.

“Means I’m talking too much,” she said with a wink.

From down the hall, Anna’s distinctive giggle cut through the air. She hiccupped loudly as she turned the corner with stumbling steps and Levi pushed away from the table with concerned eyes.

“It was nice to meet you,” he said to Alex distractedly.

Levi’s stride was long as he hurried to catch up with Anna and herd her back into her room.

I took the opportunity to pull on the soft cotton sleeve of Alex’s shirt and steer him away from the table and to my door.

Once inside, I slammed the door and pushed Alex to my bed with feverish intensity, eager to forget the exchange in the hallway. If I distracted him, he might forget it, too.

He kissed my neck and kicked his legs to remove his shoes. His breathing was raw; his teeth grazed my earlobe. I ran my hands down his chest and starting unbuttoning his blue shirt while his cold belt buckle pressed into my stomach.

I tossed his shirt to the floor when I felt the last button pop open. He peeled his pants off, his orange boxers billowing like a tent. He pushed my shoulder down so I was lying on the bed, removed my shirt, and kissed down the curve of my stomach.

When his hand grazed the zipper on my jeans, I suddenly shuddered so strongly that Alex ripped his hand away as if he’d been burned.

“Did I do something wrong?”

I shook my head, confused.

“No, keep going. I must have gotten a chill.”

His thumb edged under my pants again as he started to undo the button when I flinched again. He sat back and tossed his hands in the air, palms up, as if showing off his innocence.

“What’s up with you?”

I closed my eyes. I’d pictured this moment so clearly all summer—the new blue sheets, the privacy of Natalie’s absence, the hand trailing along my stomach—but the most important part was wrong. This was supposed to be Will, not Alex.

“Can we just kiss?” I whispered.

My eyes were still shut tightly to ward off tears, but I could feel Alex looking at me searchingly. Finally, he lowered himself down next to me.

“We can just cuddle.”

Alex laid his head on my pillow. I curled my body next to his and he wrapped his arm around me. I could feel his heavy breath on my shoulder. Even though it was the wrong person, I melted into him. I could almost imagine it was Will with his arm slung around me, and that’s all I needed.

“Are you going to hang up the poster I gave you?”

I hitched in a breath and hoped it was imperceptible. I’d forgotten all about the poster, left it in the bushes at Dean’s house.

“Of course. I might get it framed,” I lied. I thought of the recent rainstorms and knew it must be ruined by now, but maybe I could rescue it anyway.

We were silent for a few minutes, basking in artificial contentment.

“My friends bet we’d get back together,” Alex said, breaking the silence.

I involuntarily sucked in a deep breath and felt him shift beside me as he waited for a response.

“Were we ever together in the first place?” I wondered aloud.

After a long beat, Alex twisted in bed to pull his arm out
from under me. He sat up and dangled his feet off the bed, his head hanging to look at the rug.

I turned over to watch him. The back of his neck was a deeper shade of red than his bare shoulders, and though I couldn’t see his cheeks, I realized I had embarrassed him by questioning the sincerity of our past relationship. I touched my hand to his lower back and felt him flinch and then hesitate.

“I guess I shouldn’t leave important things unsaid.” His voice sounded wrecked in a way I’d never heard before.

He stood up and reached for his jeans, keeping his face turned away from me. He pulled them on and fumbled for his keys and phone sitting on my desk.

“I have to go,” he mumbled.

“Alex, stop.”

I stood up and reached for his arm, suddenly feeling very exposed wearing just my bra and jeans. I felt the moment slipping away from me; this wasn’t how Alex was supposed to act. He was my distraction from Will, but he was acting more like an offended boyfriend. I grappled with a sheet to cover myself.

“Don’t leave like this.”

He reached for the door, knocking a textbook off the desk into the garbage can in his hurry. The door closed behind him with a slam, and I heard a series of doors echo down the hall as he took the fire exit out of the building.

Still holding the sheet to my bare skin with one hand, I retrieved the book from the garbage can, thinking about how Alex left without a word. It hit me that he might be struggling against that tight, furry feeling in your throat that appeared when you didn’t trust how your voice would come out.

I wondered if I was too strong-willed to relax and enjoy that, for just a moment, Alex had helped me tame my mind long enough to forget about Will.

CHAPTER 6

PROFESSOR SYLVIE MORROW
tapped a pudgy finger against the freckled expanse of skin below her collarbone as if she were tapping the beat of her heart while she waited for the class to settle.

“When you leave college, you’ll realize that most of the technical skills you learn are useless in the business world. It’s the intangible skills that will serve you best, and one of the biggest is collaboration.” Her voice, childlike and questioning, betrayed her large stature. She seemed to know it and tried to overcompensate by being intimidating.

She paced in front of the room while she waited for the last pencil to stop scratching and the room to fell quiet, until the only sound was the rhythmic metronome beat of her finger against her chest.

“I’m pleased to announce a collaboration between our graphic design class and an advertising class, taught by Vic Bennett. He’s only an adjunct professor, but highly skilled in copy-writing, and I trust the knowledge he’s imparting to his students.”

I raised an eyebrow at Bernie across the room.

“The project will marry your artistic skills with their commercial skills to create a final product worthy of a real advertising campaign. This is how most of you will end up using your skills when you leave here if you’re lucky, so I expect nothing less than professional quality work.”