Finding Herself (Surrender) (4 page)

“Speaking of secretaries,” said
Emily, “Does anyone know that blonde secretary who works for Nate?”

“Oh, that bitch,” said Sharon
. She’d been working at Alpha for the past six months, and was friendly, outgoing and knew almost everyone there. “Tiffany. Everyone hates her. There’s a rumor she’s sleeping with Nate, and that’s why she’s so mean to all the other girls who work here. The prettier you are, the meaner she is.”

Emily
felt her stomach constrict painfully. “Is she really sleeping with Nate?”

“Nah.”
Simone rolled her eyes. “I think she started the rumor herself. She just wishes she was.”

The four of them laughed, and
Emily felt a bit better. The topic soon turned to Sharon’s new boyfriend, who wasn’t really her boyfriend, and soon lunch was over.

The next Monday,
Emily arrived at her cubicle just before nine, and stopped by Brandon’s cubicle to say “hi”.

“Oh my God,
Emily,” Brandon gushed when he saw her. “You’ll never guess who I ran into on the elevator today!”

Emily
put on a politely curious expression.

“Nate Steel!” Brandon’s eyes were
glittering with excitement. “I got here a bit too early, but when I got to the elevator, Nate was there. He asked me how I liked the work, and I asked him what he thought of the Mets. It was great!”

Emily
forced herself to smile and said, “That’s exciting, I’m sure he liked talking to you too.”

She headed back to her cubicle, groaning inside. She had to get over her stupid attraction to Nate. If Brandon and Nate became too buddy-buddy, maybe Brandon would be hired for the full-time position, and she’d be out looking for a job from scratch. It was time to be
more aggressive, and get face time with the boss.

But then she remembered the way Nate’s eyes glinted
when he looked at her, and the shivers she felt running up her arms. If she was stuck in the elevator with Nate one more time, she’d wind up saying or doing something very stupid, and that would definitely cost her the job. It was better to avoid Nate as much as possible, and focus on doing her work.

Chapter Four

The weeks went by, and Emily stayed busy with work. She hardly ever saw Nate, except from the distance, when he came to attend meetings on their floor. On the weekends, she met up with Serena and Shirley, and she made sure she called her parents regularly.

Then, one Tuesday afternoon, John called
Emily into his office. When she got there, John had a puzzled look on his face.

“Is anything wrong?” she asked him, suddenly worried that she was going to get fired from the internship.

“I don’t think so,” John said slowly. “Nate wants to see you up in his office. In five minutes.”

Emily
couldn’t hide her dismay. She felt sure that something was wrong. “Did he say why?” she asked John, but he merely shook his head.

“You’ll know when you know,” he said, shrugging his shoulders, and
Emily left the room feeling confused.

She made a pit-stop at the bathroom to make sure there wasn’t anything stuck on her teeth, ran her fingers through her hair, and headed upstairs.

As Emily walked through the tiny lobby in front of Nate’s office, Tiffany, his blonde secretary, turned her head at stare at her. But this time Emily knew better than to say anything to the woman. Instead, she walked straight up to the door and knocked loudly.

“Come in,” Nate called, and she walked in with a confidence that she didn’t really feel.

“You wanted to see me?” she asked, smiling slightly. It was good to see Nate again. He’d taken off his suit jacket and was sitting at his desk in rolled-up shirtsleeves. There were papers spread out on the desk before him, and he seemed pleased to see her.

“Sit down,” he said, “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

Emily wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. “Well, I guess my cubicle’s a bit out of the way,” she said.

Nate smiled in response, but didn’t say anything. He was staring at her, his eyes locked on hers, and
Emily could feel tiny goosebumps travelling up her arms. She sat down and crossed her legs demurely.

“You’re wondering why I called you here,” he said finally.

Emily nodded.

“There’s a company I’m wondering about, and you’re in its demographic. It’s a family-owned chain of 24-hour ‘cafes’ which serve coffee and cake. What do you think?”

“Where is it located?”

“They have one store in Chicago and one in Orange County. I’m not sure how scalable it is.”

“It won’t work in New York,” Emily said slowly, “There are too many 24/7 places here already. They might do well in small college towns, and most other big cities. I haven’t seen the financials, but it sounds like a good concept.”

Nate nodded and came around to the other side of the desk. He was standing dangerously close,
Emily thought, and she wondered how it would feel to reach out and stroke his arm. How would he respond, would he reach out and pull her close to him –

“What do you think?”

Emily found herself being jolted out of her daydream. “I’m sorry sir, I missed that.”

Nate’s eyes narrowed and
Emily felt herself growing pale.

“I asked you not to call me sir,” he said darkly, and
Emily stared at the tips of her shoes.

“I’m sorry, I – it won’t happen again.”

“Are you sure?” Nate’s body was radiating anger. “Because I feel like you’re just pushing me. You know what you’re doing, and you want me to punish you.”

Emily
blushed. Hearing him talk about punishment was turning her on, and she felt her panties grow moist. But that wouldn’t do – she needed him to be happy about her work.

“I’m sorry sir,” she said, “I
ju– ”

“There you again.”

Emily glanced up, mortified. She must be tripping herself up subconsciously. But she had to admit, even his anger was attractive, and she loved seeing the way his eyes darkened. There was a hunger there, an intensity that scared her but left her wanting to see more.

Nate leaned against the desk and relaxed. Lowering his voice, he said, “
Only call me ‘sir’ if you want me to strip off your clothes and punish you hard. Is that what you want?”

Emily
glanced up, and then down again, unable to hold Nate’s glance. She couldn’t read his expression, and she didn’t understand the loud thumping in her chest.

Although she was fully dressed, she
felt vulnerable and as though every part of her body was exposed for Nate. She felt her blush travelling downwards, and her nipples began hardening as she imagined what he could do to “punish” her.

She looked into Nate’s eyes again, and said softly, “No, sir.”

Nate chuckled, and Emily wanted to sink into the ground. “Nate – ” she started, but he interrupted her.

“It’s
ok, just don’t call me sir again.” He jerked his head towards the door. “You better get going, I have a meeting in five.”

Emily
stood up. Her knees were weak, and she was trembling slightly. She felt humiliated – as though Nate had goaded an embarrassing secret out of her, and now he was dismissing her condescendingly.

She hated to leave like this. She wanted more from
Nate, she wanted to spend time with him. His words had lit her body on fire – she wanted him to take off her clothes, to see her body and bring her pleasure. She wanted to turn back time and say, “Yes sir, I do want you to strip me naked and punish me.”

But instead, the words that came out of her mouth were, “That was a mean joke to make.”

She sounded petulant and childish to her own ears, and wished she could take the words back. But they were out.

Nate was staring at her in surprise, and
Emily suddenly wanted to hide under the covers of her bed. She turned around and began to walk towards the door, when Nate said, “Stop.”

He walked up to her, and stood inches behind her. “I wasn’t joking.
But you kept calling me ‘sir’. I thought you were teasing me on purpose. I needed to know.”

Emily
tilted her head back to look up at him. She felt somehow overwhelmed by his closeness, by the sudden gentleness in his tone.

“I never wanted to hire you,” he said.
“Since the first day – I’ve wanted to do things to you. Things that don’t belong in an office.”

“Oh.”
Emily let his words sink in slowly. They didn’t make sense at first, and then slowly they did.

Nate leaned down close to her ear. “I can transfer your internship over to an a
d agency Alpha Investments owns. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable at work. Because when I see you around, I want you.”

Emily
could feel his breath on her neck, she could smell his cologne and could feel the intensity of his desire. Suddenly it was real: Nate wanted her. The same way she wanted him. He wanted to be with her.

“Well?”

Emily blinked. He was waiting for her to say something. “I – uh – uh,” she stuttered, “I don’t want to transfer anywhere. I want to be near you.”

Saying the words out loud, she felt a weight lift off her chest.

Nate took a step back. “Turn around,” he said.

Emily
turned to face him slowly, suddenly aware of everything around her. She felt a light-headedness that she’d never felt before. Everything seemed larger and brighter, noises seemed louder and she could smell subtle scents that she’d missed before. She held Nate’s glance. The darkness in his eyes meant something completely different now: she saw his lust for her, and she wanted to be his. Although he hadn’t even touched her, her body was reacting violently. There was a tingling along her spine, her nipples had hardened and she was growing wet.

She
knew that Nate could see exactly how she felt, how desperately she wanted him to take her. She imagined stripping off her clothes for him, touching herself in front of him. She would do whatever he wanted, whatever would please him.

Emily
bit her lower lip and waited for Nate to say something. He was drinking in the sight of her body, and the air between them was static with electricity.

Finally, he said, “
I’m not an easy man to be with. I need to know that you really want this.”

Emily
nodded. “I do. I want you.”

Nate shook his head. “No. I need to know the details. Send me an email. Write down what you want.”

Emily felt a red heat travelling down her body. She craved his touch so badly, she wanted him to make love to her with the same intensity that was in his eyes now.

“Yes, sir,” she breathed softly.

Nate just smiled sardonically. “Get back to work,” he said, “My appointment will be here soon.”

Emily
turned and left the room. Nate’s secretary stared at her as she walked past, and Emily realized that she looked hot and flushed. She wondered if the secretary understood what had just happened, and then pushed the thought out of her mind.

By the time she stepped out on the 35
th
floor, the desire coursing through her body had intensified. Emily felt weak and hot and excited, and managed to get to the Ladies’ room. Once inside, she remembered the way Nate had looked at her, and she imagined his lips on hers, his hands taking off her blouse, and then pulling up her skirt. He would enter her from behind, and his erection would slam into her roughly. “When I see you, I want you,” he’d said, and she would give him whatever he wanted.

In a daze of lust,
Emily pulled down her panties and her fingers found their way to her swollen nub. She was already drenched, and she wasted no time in stroking herself, twirling her fingers and slipping them inside her drenched opening. Soon she was stifling back her moans as she coaxed the desire out of her body, her fingers sliding in and out with ease, and she imagined Nate bringing her the pleasure she needed so badly. Within seconds, her pent-up arousal reached a crescendo. Her body tensed and she felt herself fading away, and the climax rocked through her veins and flooded out of her.

Emily
cleaned up quickly, shocked at what she had just done, and feeling slightly disgusted with herself. What had gotten into her? But she knew what it was – it was the thought of being with Nate, the fact that it would be a reality soon, that was driving her crazy. Now she could admit to herself how badly she wanted him, and she couldn’t wait till he claimed her the way he wanted.

Chapter Five

Emily couldn’t sleep that night. She stayed locked in her room, feeling the lust throbbing in her veins, wondering if she’d just imagined the meeting with Nate. He hadn’t touched her, he hadn’t kissed her. He could have taken her then and there, but he was making her wait. Emily thought about how much she wanted him, and what she wanted.

She stayed up till three a.m., imagining everything they could do together.
At one point, she pulled out her vibrator, stripped off her clothes, and toyed with herself until she orgasmed violently.

Afterwards, she
sat up, and began typing away furiously. The words poured out of her – she wanted Nate, she wanted him in every way possible. She wanted to please him, and she would do anything he wanted, and give him anything he wanted. If he wanted her body, it was his; if he wanted her heart, it was his. She would do any explicit act he could think of, and she described quite a few of them for him.

It took only an hour to write everything down.
Emily finished the email with “I’ve just finished pleasuring myself to fantasies of us together. Yours – Naked, dirty, wet and horny. Emily.”

After she finished writing, Emily found that she had become very, very wet again. She saved the letter to her flash drive, closed the laptop, and began to touch herself. She imagined Nate feeling aroused after reading her letter. “You dirty slut,” he’d tell her, “You’re a tease, you need to be punished.” Emily squeezed her breasts, rolled them under her hands, and squeezed her nipples, imagining it was Nate. She imagined him taking her breasts into his mouth, sucking them, nibbling them. She slid her hands along her belly, and dipped them lower, and used her vibrator to tease her clit as she stroked her swollen lower lips. She slid one finger inside her drenched pussy, then two, then three at a time. As the vibrator teased her swollen bundle of nerves, she stroked herself rapidly, faster and faster until everything inside her exploded and came rushing out of her in a burst of happiness.

Emily
lay in bed, breathing heavily, and feeling happier and more relaxed than she had in a very long time.

It was too late to get to sleep, so
Emily got up, showered, tidied her room, and got dressed. When she emerged from her bedroom at 6:30, she found Isabel having breakfast in front of the TV.

Isabel glanced at her curiously, and said, “You’re up early again. Do they make you get to work at 7?”

“No.” Emily shook her head. “I just wake early sometimes. I might as well get to work.”

“I came home at 2 a.m. and saw your light on. Did you get any sleep at all?”

Emily smiled and avoided the question. “What did you do till 2 a.m.?”

Isabel rolled her eyes. “What else? Try to meet the perfect guy.”

Emily worried that she’d be late, or at least, too late to get on the elevator with Nate. But she couldn’t help ribbing Isabel just before she stepped out. “And did you meet anyone perfect enough?”

Isabel snorted.
“No, just a bunch of broke losers. And I need a man who’ll commit, not some sleazebag who’ll dump me after the first night.”

“Sometimes hot sex is good.”
Emily giggled. She sounded so unlike herself – but she felt like a completely different person this morning. She’d gone to work yesterday the same, boring, shy girl. But by the time she got home she was a horny mess, a woman who was desperate to be fucked. She needed a man to give her an orgasm, to show her what mind-blowing sex really was.

Isabel raised one eyebrow. “What happened to you?”

Emily laughed. Nate had happened to her – and he hadn’t even really happened yet. But she wasn’t about to share that news with Isabel yet so she just shook her head. “I was being silly.”

“I hope that’s all it is. I know you’ve never brought a man back home since moving in with me, so I hope you’re not being seduced by some sleazy old man. You know, you’re so young and
innocent, it would be too easy for someone to take advantage of you. He’d promise you the world and give you nothing.”

“But you bring guys home sometimes, and then I never see them again.”

“That’s different. I’m experienced enough to have no-strings sex. You’re just an easy target for douchebag, and you believe in silly things like love at first sight. You’d get your heart broken and be miserable.”

Emily
shook her head. “I have to go. See you tonight.”

She could feel Isabel’s eyes on her as she walked to the door and stepped out. A two-minute conversation was all it had taken for Isabel to crush her high spirits.

Emily mused bitterly as she headed to work. Was Isabel right? Was she really being foolish to want to be with Nate? After all, he was her boss. She might lose her job for this. And he might just break her heart – he did seem so easy to fall for. Had she fallen for him already? She tried to do a pulse-check of her emotions, but everything was blurred together.

***

By the time she got to 590 Madison Avenue, Emily was racked with doubt. On the one hand, it seemed like a terrible idea to sleep with her boss. On the other hand…

On the other hand,
Emily really really wanted to have proper, grown-up sex. She was tired of the fumbling boys of her youth, and she was distrustful of the strange men in dark bars. Nate exuded an intensity and power that she wanted to experience physically. If she could just keep her emotions out of it, there was no way she could get hurt.

As she headed towards the building entrance, she saw a familiar figure stepping out of a chauffeur-driven Bentley, and smiled. When their eyes met, she felt
a jolt of electricity travel down her spine, and she waited for Nate to catch up with her.

They walked towards the elevator and Nate said, “You’re late.”

Emily laughed. “What’re you talking about, I’m early.”

Nate looked at her and smiled. There was something
predatorial about his grin, and Emily was hit with a crushing realization.

“I thought I should get face-time with the boss,” she admitted. “I didn’t want the job going to Brandon
, that’s why I used to wait for you in the morning.”

“I hoped it was something more. I missed seeing you the last few days.”

“That’s why you called me up to your room?”

They stepped into the elevator and Nate turned to
Emily. There was no-one else in there with them, and Emily wondered if he would move closer to her, maybe kiss her, or stroke her neck…

But he didn’t step closer. He looked at her
steadily and asked, “Did you write the email?”

“Yes.”
Emily rooted through her bag. “I put it in a flash drive, I can give you the drive –”

“No, email me
as an attachment.”

“Ok.” She looked up at him and decided to ask. “
I’m not going to lose my job over this am I?”

Nate shook his head. “As long as you deserve the job, it’s yours. We’ll make you full-time when the internship ends.”

Emily’s heart leapt, but then she remembered Isabel’s words:
He’ll promise you the world and give you nothing.

Nate narrowed his eyes. “You trust me, don’t you?”

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. They were at the 41
st
floor. Nate stepped out and turned back to talk to her, holding his hand against the doors so they wouldn’t close.

Emily
always had a hard time hiding her emotions, and she knew that Nate could see what she was thinking. She dropped her eyes and said softly, “I’m not sure. I don’t even know you.”

The silence seemed to go on forever, and then Nate said, “I see. Well. This won’t work if you don’t trust
me.”

Nate let go of the doors, and was about to turn away, when a flash of anger
hit Emily. She grabbed the elevator doors and said, “
I
don’t trust you? You don’t trust me either. The whole email thing is just a record so I can’t say later that you harassed me.”

Nate was silent for a second, and then
started laughing. “You’re not as naïve as you look. Alright then, we’ll forget this ever happened. It was a mistake thinking you ever wanted me.”

His eyes raked down her body, making her feel hot with desire.
Get a grip
, she told herself.

Emily
wanted to say, “I do want you”. But she cared about her future, and getting an internship at Alpha Investments had been a stroke of good luck for her, a stepping-stone to a proper career. She couldn’t lose that. So instead, she said, “Do I still work here?”

Nate shook his head
, no. “I was afraid something like this might happen. I’ll have to let you go.”

“That’s not fair.
You can’t just fire me – I’m a good analyst.”

“You are
, and that’s why I’ll tell my friend Eric at Laurent Investments to hire you full-time. You’ll get your job, and we’ll never see each other again.”

Emily
felt her throat go dry. This was exactly the type of opportunity she’d been waiting for. A full-time job as an analyst at a hedge fund. It would lead to bigger things, and the kind of glamorous New York lifestyle she’d always dreamt of.

She should have felt excited
and happy. But all she felt was a knot in her stomach, tying itself tighter and tighter.

Nate was staring at her, waiting for her to say something. But the words didn’t come
out, they didn’t even form in her brain. Finally, she managed to choke out, “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

Nate nodded curtly, and then he was gone. The elevator doors closed, and
Emily found herself making her way to her tiny cubicle.