Finding Isadora (16 page)

“
What?” My hand jerked and wine slopped over the rim of my glass and splashed onto the embroidered tablecloth. I must have misheard. “What did you say?”

“
Gabe may not be my father. He—”

Our waitress appeared with a cloth and mopped at the spill.
“Sorry,” I told her. Then Richard and I stared at each other silently and I replayed what he’d said. The words didn’t make any sense.

When the waitress left, Richard said,
“You know how you were talking about that beagle with epilepsy?”

Now he
’d really lost me. “I remember, but what’s that got to do with your father?”

“
I started thinking about genetics and hereditary diseases. If we’re getting married, I should know if anything like that runs in my family. I never really knew Mom’s parents, they died when I was a kid. I think Gabe’s died when he was a teenager. I gather it was a bad situation—maybe alcoholism and abuse—but he never talked about it. Anyhow, I had dinner last night with Mom and Frank and asked Mom if there was anything she was aware of on her side or Gabe’s.”

My stomach clenched into a nervous ball.
“And?”

“
She said we’d talk about it privately, after dinner. She was pale, she played with her food. I started to worry, to think maybe there
was
some horrible illness. Anyhow, after dinner Frank went to watch something on TV, leaving Mom and me alone. She told me there was nothing to worry about on her side. Her mother was killed in a car accident and her father died of a heart attack, but he was seriously overweight, never exercised, drank a lot.”

He gave a wry laugh and took a determined slug of wine.
“Here I am drinking, and there’s alcoholism on both sides of my family. Well,
if
Gabe’s really my father.”

I was getting seriously impatient.
“What did Diane say?”

“
She doesn’t know if he’s my biological father.”

“
Doesn’t know?” I almost yelled the words. Richard’s mother
didn’t know
who his father was?

He
made a hushing motion with his hand.

Perha
ps our waitress thought he was summoning her, or maybe she sensed trouble, because she hurried over to refill our glasses and murmured in her soft, melodic voice that our meals would be ready any minute.

“
Fine, fine.” Richard, who was usually courteous to servers, waved her away. Then, lowering his voice, he said, “It was before AIDS became a big scare and people realized the importance of using condoms. Mom was on the pill but she admits she wasn’t very good about taking it. She was nineteen, away at university, having fun and being, you know, irresponsible. She had lovers. Gabe was one of them.”

“
Diane?” That so didn’t match up with the conservative woman she’d turned into.

“
Yeah, and Gabe, too. I mean, he had other lovers.”

Now
that
I had no trouble believing. “So, when Diane got pregnant…”

“
She didn’t know who the father was, but she did something really bad. She lied to Gabe. She wanted to have the baby and she wanted Gabe. She told him she hadn’t been with anyone else in the last couple of months. That it was his kid.”

I gaped at him, but didn
’t interrupt.

“
She says she loved Gabe, the other guys were just—you know, casual sex. Also, she was impressed that he planned to be a lawyer. Most kids were so aimless, but he had drive. She respected that he had ideals, and she also figured he’d have a great job and income. She thought they’d have a good future together, and that he’d be a good father.” Richard gave a snort. “Doesn’t say much for her judgment.”

“
I can’t believe Diane did that.” The woman I knew was a little materialistic, but not a bad person. Slowly, I said, “Okay, I can imagine a frightened teenager panicking. But are you saying she wanted to be with Gabriel because she loved him or because he was the practical choice?”

“
Beats the hell out of me,” he said flatly. “I don’t know whether to be mad or sympathetic. When I was a kid, I know she got really upset when he wasn’t around, but I don’t know whether that was because she loved him or if it was injured pride.”

He paused as our waitress placed our meals in front of us
and asked if she could bring us anything else, Richard said, abruptly for him, “No.”

“
Yes, sir. Enjoy your meals.” She hurried away.

“
This must be a terrible shock, sweetheart,” I said, reaching over to stroke Richard’s hand. In one night he’d learned that his mother had told a dreadful lie and his father might not be his father.

“
Yeah, it’s a shock.” He shook his head as if to clear it. “Anyhow, so she lied and Gabe bought it. He didn’t believe in marriage and she was okay with shacking up, as she called it, but they did agree to be a couple, and be parents to the child. To me.”

“
Does Gabriel know?”

“
She never told him.”

“
My god.” Poor Gabriel. And then another idea occurred to me. “You don’t think he might have found out, or suspected? Maybe that’s why he, uh, wasn’t the best of fathers.”

Richard took a forkful of
beef and chewed absentmindedly. “It’s possible. But why wouldn’t he have said something to Mom? He could have had a paternity test and if he wasn’t my father he could have bailed on us.”

I didn
’t want to think of Gabriel bailing on his lover and her child, even if she’d lied and the child wasn’t really his. Would he have done that? I remembered something else Richard had just said. “You think Gabriel had a rotten childhood?”

“
Apparently. Why?”

“
Sounds like he didn’t have a role model for being a good parent.”

“
That’s not an excuse for the way he treated me.”

“
No, of course not.” All the same, I felt sorry for Gabriel. Though not as sorry as for Richard, I reflected as I savored a mouthful of pad thai. “I was so lucky,” I mused. “Growing up with Grace and Jimmy Lee was unconventional, but I never doubted they loved and wanted me.”

“
Mom loved and wanted me.”

“
Maybe Gabriel did, too. Maybe he just didn’t know how to show it.”

“
Staying home occasionally would have helped. Showing up when he promised to.”

I debated for a moment, then said,
“I told you he drove me home on Tuesday? Well, somehow we got talking and… You know when he didn’t show up for your law school grad? One of his clients—a welfare mother—had just been arrested for murdering a boyfriend who’d been abusing her.”

Richard stared at me.
“You were discussing me with my father?”

“
Not really. It kind of came up. Anyhow, I’m just saying that—”

“
You’re making excuses for him.”

Damn. I
’d been trying to help, not make things worse. “Not excuses. I wanted you to know it wasn’t because he didn’t care, or forgot, or something. He had an emergency. Maybe some of those other times he didn’t show, it was the same thing.”

He shrugged.
“Maybe. Iz, I’m not disputing that his work was important, it just would have been nice if once in a while he’d thought I was
more
important.”

Thank heavens he didn
’t look mad any more. I decided to leave well enough alone and, in glum silence, we both poked at our meals. When our waitress came to ask if everything was all right, we both said it was great, we just weren’t that hungry. We asked her to wrap our leftovers to take home. I’d enjoy mine for dinner another night when my stomach wasn’t tense with nerves, and Richard would have a nice lunch to take to the office.

The waitress
inquired about dessert and coffee. We both turned down dessert. Richard ordered coffee and I chose lemongrass tea, needing something soothing.

Richard stared at the tablecloth for a long moment, then looked up at me.
“I want to know for sure. Whether he’s my father.”

I bit my lip.
“Are you positive? What good would it do? If Gabriel’s your biological father, do you think it’ll bring you closer?”

“
No, this isn’t about Gabe and me. And no, I don’t want to inflict myself on some other guy, my long-lost sperm donor. To the extent I need a father figure, Frank’s just fine.”

The waitress served our coffee and tea, then Richard went on.
“It’s that business of genetic diseases. We’re planning to get married, have children. You know your family background on both Grace’s and Jimmy Lee’s sides. We need to know who I really am.”

I reached for his hand.
“I know who you are. You’re a fine, healthy man.”

He squeezed my hand then withdrew his to toy with his coffee cup.
“That’s not enough. I have to know if I’m carrying the genes for some horrible disease.”

“
Richard, I don’t—”

“
What if I have some disease and it just hasn’t manifested itself yet? Like, say I have Huntington’s disease or ALS? You shouldn’t be stuck with a man with an illness like that.”

I frowned.
“Richard, my love isn’t conditional on you staying healthy, for heaven’s sakes. In sickness and in health, remember? And there are far more risks than hereditary diseases. It’s more likely you’d be in an accident and end up paraplegic.”
Goddess forbid
, as Grace would say.

“
What about our children? What if we had a child with cystic fibrosis or hemophilia or Tay-Sachs?”

I flinched at the thought that our children might suffer.
“Well,” I said slowly, “that’s what amniocentesis is for.”

“
Look me in the eyes, Isadora Dean Wheeler, and tell me you could abort a child of ours.”

“
I… I’m not sure.” Every cell in my body protested at the idea, but I tried to think like a scientist as well as a prospective mother. “If that would be the more humane thing to do. If the child was going to have a horrible, painful illness and die young. Maybe. But Richard—” I was about to say how farfetched and hypothetical this all was.

Nodding, he broke in.
“Yeah, maybe. But it would be better not to conceive the child at all.”

“
Hmm. I guess we could go for genetic testing. If there’s a serious problem—if we’ve both got the genes for something horrible—then we’ll adopt.”

“
What are we going to get tested for? I need a starting point. I need to know who my father is.”

I raised my cup of
lemongrass tea and inhaled, letting the scent ease my tension. To my mind, Richard wasn’t being entirely rational about this. But then, why should I expect him to be rational after what he’d learned about Diane and Gabriel?

“
You think I’m nuts,” he said.

“
No. Upset, but not nuts. And I do see your point, sweetheart. But what do you plan to do?” I snapped my fingers. “Blood types. You could at least tell if Gabriel could be your father.”

“
He could. He and Diane and I are all O positive. No, it has to be DNA. I have to ask him to be tested.”

“
Oh my. That’s going to be tough.” On both men. “I understand why
you
want to know, but do you think Gabriel will?”

“
Why would he care one way or the other?”

He sounded so angry, so hurt, that I squeezed my eyes shut in sympathy. Why would a man care if someone was his biological son? The fact that Richard could say such a thing spoke volumes about his and Gabriel
’s relationship. I wanted to ask Richard to be sensitive to Gabriel’s feelings, but it seemed Gabriel had never worried about Richard’s.

“
I don’t know if he’d care,” I murmured, even though my instincts told me Gabriel would, and deeply. I reached across the table and gripped both Richard’s hands. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

He squeezed back.
“It’s helped just telling you about it. I don’t feel like I’m alone with this any more.”

“
When are you going to talk to your … to Gabriel?” And would Gabriel have someone to turn to, so he wouldn’t feel alone?

“
As soon as I can. Now that I’ve made up my mind, I want to know as soon as possible.”

“
And if he’s not your biological father?”

“
God, I don’t know. Mom does remember the other guys—I guess the names would kind of stick in her memory since one of them could be my dad—but she didn’t keep track of what happened to them. I suppose I’d try the Internet and University alumni association, and see if they turned up. And then I’d meet with them and—well, that’d be a tough conversation.”