Finding Me (17 page)

“Julio, can we please get some guacamole? We’re celebrating, and nothing beats your guacamole.” Savannah smiles at him, but her eyes slowly drift to me, sensing my unease.

My sisters once again fall into conversation, quickly reestablishing a level of comfort and security.

We place our orders, and it feels so normal.

Though I’ve been feeling better and happier with each passing week in Delaware, sitting here with my sisters as we eat, drink, and laugh over everything and nothing makes me feel almost as though the last year never happened.

I’m a little reluctant to go into Beverly’s Nails. It’s another place that we used to frequent, meaning another spot that they’ll know that I’ve been gone. I’m sure they will have a list of their own questions regarding my absence, as well as my brief return.

“Sister Saturday?” Beverly cries as we step into the salon. “All the sisters!” she cheers, clapping her hands as she bounces with excessive enthusiasm. She’s easily the most emotional person that I know—to manic degrees.

“What are you girls going to do tonight?”

“Getting drunk,” Kendall announces without blinking.

Beverly giggles, either thinking Kendall’s joking around or amused by the news. We all head to the wall of nail polishes.

“If I choose black will I look like an emo?” Savannah asks.

“No, black’s totally in!” Kendall cries, pulling it from the shelf.

“I don’t want to look stupid.”

“You won’t look stupid. It’s just nail polish. Come on, I’ll do it too,” I say, reaching for her hand.

“As long as you get it changed next week before the wedding,” Jenny warns over my shoulder.

“We can come back and change it next week,” Kendall says. “But tonight, we’re painting the city black!”

Beverly claps again, and once more we seem to be the center of attention, though no one looks overly amused at the noise and attention we’re causing. My sisters don’t seem to notice. They’re stuck behind their rose-colored glasses.

We fill an entire bank of chairs for pedicures and set our feet in the tubs of rolling water to soak.

“I think this is the whitest I’ve ever seen you. Your feet are barely darker than mine.”

“It gets cold there. I haven’t gone outside in the last like six months without being fully covered.”

“Do they not have nail salons in the Northeast, either?” she jokes, looking at my unpolished toenails.

“I wear socks all of the time, even when I sleep. It’s cold there.” Her eyebrows rise, but her eyes are fixed on my feet. “Stop staring!” I toss a magazine at her and she finally looks up. A slow smile breaks out across her face.

“Another reason for you to move back.” I ignore her comment.

We quickly fall into a familiar routine of laughing and talking. It’s a little easier today; the subjects consist of people and situations that I’m mostly familiar with. A small twinge of sadness blooms within me at the thought that I will only be here for another sixteen days. It had seemed like such a long trip when I was trying to plan everything, yet this day has gone by in the blink of an eye.

Our toenails and fingernails are a glossy black. I’ve wanted to ask Kendall about Max, and where he is, and more importantly, how he is, but have no intention of asking in front of our older sisters and never got a chance to pull her aside. When we arrive at the house, her car and Mindi’s minivan are the only two vehicles present.

“Wear this one,” Kendall says, nearly hitting me with a hanger in the process of holding a small black dress up to me. I recognize it nearly instantly. I wore it to Billy and Molly’s bachelor and bachelorette party last November. When I was packing I couldn’t take it with me because it held so many memories. Even though it had only been worn for one, it was tied to millions more.

I shake my head as I push it away. “No. Not a chance.”

“What about this one!” Jenny cries pulling out a hanger with a bright red dress.

“She’s not going to wear that one,” Mindi grumbles before I have to state my own objection. She joins our other two sisters at the closet and begins sifting through fabrics and colors until she stops and pulls out a cream colored strapless dress that I had also given to Kendall because I hadn’t foreseen myself needing a dress like it in Delaware.

“Oh, that’s perfect! I can’t wear it, it washes me out, but it will look gorgeous on you! You have to wear it, Ace!” Kendall chimes with excitement.

Two hours later, the five of us pile into a taxi van and head downtown.

“Tonight, my goal is to dance with eleven hot guys,” Savannah says, tugging on her dress, and shifting in her seat.

“Eleven?” Jenny asks.

“My goal is to get five free drinks,” Kendall adds, making me smirk.

“Let’s make this fun. Every hot guy you dance with is one point. Every free drink is two. Whoever gets to ten points first, wins,” Mindi announces.

“Wins what?” Kendall asks. “And who decides if the guy is hot? We need to establish some rules.”

“Oh lord,” Jenny groans, leaning back in her seat.

“Three sisters have to vote.”

I laugh and listen as Kendall and Mindi hash out the rules and details, knowing that this won’t come to fruition.

“Dad’s letter said that he imagined us having a lot of wild nights together once Ace turned twenty-one. He warned me that she’d probably always be able to drink us all under the table,” Savannah says nostalgically.

Her words make me stop. Stop moving. Stop breathing. I think even my heart has stopped. No one’s mentioned dad to me since Christmas.

“He warned me about that too. Said she gets it from mom’s side of the family,” Jenny adds with a laugh.

Kendall squeezes my hand. “What did your letter say?” Four sets of blue eyes turn to look at me.

My focus travels to my lap. “I never opened it.”

“Ace, you need to open it,” Savannah says softly from my other side. Her hand rests on my thigh with the slightest of pressure. “It helps me a lot. Whenever I’m having a particularly rough day, I read it to get my fill of dad advice. I always knew that he was good at that stuff, but it shocks me how it’s relevant to so many of the problems that I experience.”

My chest burns with tears and the urge to flee.

I’m not ready for this.

“So what bar do we want to hit up first?” Kendall interjects, as though she too can feel the panic flooding me.

“Tin Man!” Jenny cheers.

The cab drops us off feet from the door where there’s a line already formed around the front and curling to the alley. Kendall wastes no time. She grips my hand in hers and nods her head toward the front to indicate her intentions to our older sisters and traipses to the front of the line. My feet already hurt, and I’ve only been in these heels for moments. I look down at them; they’re Kendall’s bright red leather pumps. They’re right up my alley. I’ve always loved really brightly colored heels that add pop to an outfit, but with every step that we take toward the front, hearing the people grumbling as we pass, I cringe and wish that I could sink back into the crowd and not have anything about me stand out.

She doesn’t even have to say anything. The bouncer looks us up and down appreciatively and then moves aside and asks us to place our left hands out.

“You didn’t even get carded! This dress is killer!” Savannah squeals excitedly.

The place is already full due to it being a Saturday night, and we make our way to the bar that sits in the middle of the small club fashioned in metal, looking industrial and cold to the point I physically feel chilled even with the throbbing music and dancing bodies surrounding us.

Within seconds, a guy swoops in with dark, gelled hair and a slightly round face, wearing clothes that make him look more skuzzy than sleek. He offers to buy Kendall a drink. Without batting an eye she smiles widely at him and requests a shot of tequila. He turns to relay her order and she raises a finger to us to indicate that she’s counting.

Savannah and Jenny approach the bar, leaving Mindi and me a safe distance from the chaos. I look out across the sea of faces. Something about being back makes me constantly feel the need to check my surrounds to see if I recognize anyone. I don’t know if I actually want to find someone familiar, or if it’s simply instinctual.

Our sisters converge upon us, each holding a shot, Jenny and Savannah with two that they pass to Mindi and me. “Alright, baby sister, here’s to twenty-one years!” Mindi yells over the commotion, earning a cheer and scream from each of our sisters.

We deposit our empty shot glasses on the bar and make our way to the dance floor and begin dancing with each other. Jenny’s the first to dance with a guy, and Mindi instantly follows suit, her competitive nature flaring.

I watch them for a while, making certain to turn any time someone attempts to catch my attention with a stare or by approaching me.

After an hour, the alcohol flows through my veins, loosening my nerves, and I follow Wes out to the dance floor near Kendall and Jameson. The four of us dance and laugh, a familiarity coating me that has me relax even further.

Landon’s the last to arrive, finding our small group, wearing a wide smile and long-sleeved shirt because although the weather seems warm to me and what I’m starting to become accustomed to, the weather’s a little cool tonight for locals.

“Where have you been?” Wes asks as Landon’s arms wrap around my shoulders.

“I had to take a nap before coming out here.”

“Old man!” Jameson cries, playfully throwing a punch into Landon’s side.

“An old man that can whip your ass,” Landon returns, making all of us laugh, even though I’m pretty sure none of us doubt the truth in his words.

The night progresses with us travelling to two additional clubs, our group growing with Adam and Kyle.

Landon’s been my dance partner for several songs, but I notice his attention keeps getting pulled away. I finally glance over my shoulder to see a tall auburn-haired girl with a deep cut purple dress and eyes that are transfixed on Landon.

“I’m going to go get something to drink,” I yell, disentangling myself from him.

His eyes meet mine, and then go back to the girl again, looking slightly guilty.

“Go introduce yourself, Romeo. I’ll be fine.”

His lips crack with a smile, and I shove him forward before turning to head to the bar.

“Ace? Ace?”

I turn reflexively at the sound of my name and find Amy Hall and her long blond hair approaching me with wide eyes conveying her surprise.

“Ace!” Her bare arms feel too warm as they wrap around my shoulders. Seeing someone that knows too much of my history and not enough of my present fills me with a growing sense of restlessness.

Her eyes flicker to mine but it’s not in the same way that my sisters do; it’s not to seek something out, but a brief stop as her eyes scan over me, likely finding that I’m still a little too thin, making my eyes appear too big.

“I can’t believe you’re here! I heard some crazy rumor that you moved to the East Coast!” Her smile shows how ridiculous she finds the rumor.

“I did.”

Her eyes widen further, and her smile begins to fall. “What happened? I mean, I know you and your dad, but I saw you at home quite a bit before he … you know.”

“Died?”

She nods, looking more uncomfortable by the word than she should with what all she’s asking me. “Did you and Max? I don’t know. I’m so confused. I heard that you guys were a couple, and were dating for a long time, and getting really serious, but I know you aren’t Max’s type because he doesn’t date, so…”

My eyebrow rises as soon as the word
aren’t
leaves her mouth, and I wait for the rest of her words, realizing as she shifts her weight to her other foot that I’ve been spending too much time with Kitty as I withhold the words she’s looking to me for.

“I mean, he slept with like, God knows how many girls.”

“No he didn’t.” My chin drops and my voice lowers as I feel a surge of defensiveness rush through me. Maybe it’s for Max, maybe it’s for my own self-respect, I don’t know. I can’t consider it too much because her eyes narrow on me and recognition dawns on her face.

“You really were dating him.”

I can’t tell if her surprise is because I chose Max, or he chose me, but it makes me feel self-conscious and furthers my defensiveness, though I refuse to confirm her words because there’s no chance in hell I’m going to explain to her what happened.

“I thought everyone was lying when they said you guys were dating because I saw you hanging around town for a couple of weeks and never saw him,” she repeats her earlier accusation that I continue to avoid answering with a blank stare.

“You moved across the country because Max Miller dumped you?”

I’ve always considered Amy a friend, not a best friend, but someone that would stick up for me if she heard a nasty rumor or willing to help if I ever called on her, just as I would for her. Staring into her dull green eyes, I feel nothing but loathing for her, burning through me like hot grease, erasing every friendly interaction we’ve ever shared.